Nocturnal Emissions

Favorite GaGa song and why?

2010-11-18T05:53:00.001-06:00

"No Floods" (The REAL fans know what i'm talking about.) I literally LIVE that song everyday.

What's your ideal date/ guy?

2010-07-28T14:35:00.001-05:00

Its been sooo since i've been on an actual "date", Im not even sure anymore. LOL! But, my "ideal" guy is already in my life...yet, im single.

Ask me anything

What are your goals in life?

2010-07-28T14:13:00.001-05:00

Just to be successful...in whatever way I can be.

Ask me anything

Baby's First Time in the Gay Pride Parade.

2010-07-07T10:00:00.001-05:00

A couple weeks ago, I had the experience of a lifetime. I got the chance to actually participate in the Chicago Gay Pride Parade this year. It came through a gig that I scored with the company who's float I was on. I don't even know where to start.

I was working the float with Mystique Summers, from the second season of LOGO's "RuPaul's Drag Race". I was actually surprised by how funny, smart, and just plain down-to-earth she was. Its always interesting meeting people, from Reality TV, away from the cameras. Anyway, when the parade started, it felt as if my heart was going to fly right out of my chest. But, seeing millions of my fellow Gays, Lesbians, Transgenders, and Bisexuals cheering us on simply took away all my anxiety.

Even though wearing a skin-tight silver body suit is not the most comfortable thing to wear on a sunny near 90° day, I had a greatest time of my life. With everyone cheering, wanting photos, and showing me so much love, I really felt proud to be apart of our colorful Gay
community. Seeing all of us coming together to create such a powerful positive energy really inspired me. This was our day, and if we really want to, we could rule the world. I felt as if I was actually apart of making History.

I always understood the reason for the Gay Pride festivities, but, that day I finally GOT IT.

I guess that shy little Gay boy, who moved to the Windy City all but five years ago, has come a long way.

;-)

Now Playing:

"Liberty Walk" - Miley Cyrus

"A Piece Of Sky" - Barbra Streisand

"Clap Your Hands" - Sia

Freelance Work: Christina Aguilera Album Review

2010-06-25T09:15:00.002-05:00

Checkout my album review for Christina Aguilera's album, "Bionic".

http://prettyboypresents.com/?p=1033

Here's a sample:

...“Bionic” opens with a title track of the same name. This first song
serves as an introduction to Christina’s new sound and direction for
the rest of the album. “Not Myself Tonight”, the second track and
first single, not only does a great job of showing us the new grown up
Xtina, but the lyrics also makes a statement about this album sound as
a whole. “Woohoo”, the third track, and upcoming single, is...

;-)

Pride Weekend 2010

2010-06-24T09:28:00.002-05:00

Just over two years ago, I started venturing into the Gayborhood. Now, years later, I'm so gay that I'm actually going to be in the Chicago Gay Pride Parade. Yes, this weekend, June 27, I will be performing(dancing) on one of the floats in the parade!! I scored a modeling gig with "PrettyBoy Magazine". I'm so excited!

;-)

Those "Silver Foxes" Just Keep on Comin'.

2010-06-22T20:32:00.003-05:00

I was online, the other day, checking my inbox on Adam-4-Adam, when I saw yet another email from a horny older guy in his mid forties. For a while now, I've been thinking about the whole "age" thing when it comes to the Gay community, Gay men in particular. Being the keen social observer that I am, I've noticed a particular pattern where older Gays eroticse the younger generation of Gays. I've witnessed it first-hand, both over the Internet and in social settings. I might not be into older men, but that doesn't stop them from sending me emails via whatever dating site I might be using. In any given week, I receive at least fifteen messages all from men between the ages of 35 to 55.

I got to thinking about my generation of gay men, "Generation Y". Will we share the same fate of "Generation X"? Will we find ourselves still going to "twink" bars and looking for "love", on the Internet, well into our forties and fifties? I would hope not. Seeing that we have the reality of Gay Marriage in our grasps. But, sometimes I just wonder.

;-)

5-13-2010

2010-05-13T22:00:00.002-05:00

For the past few months, or better yet, since around last Fall, I have been pretty much on "auto pilot" so to speak. Well, now that I think about it, its sooo NOT "auto pilot"...I do THAT all the time at school and mostly at my dead-end job. I think the word "lost" best describes what I've been since last fall. Yeah, I'm just...lost.

I don't know who I am, I don't know where I'm going, I don't know what my "purpose" is yet, and I'm still trying to figure out who the "real Me" is. When I was younger, I had all these visions and ideas about who I wanted to be, where I wanted to go, and what my life would be about. But, it seems like reality isn't exactly matching up with my imagination. I mean, it took me THIS long to finally embrace my own personal brand of "weirdness", and realize that what I always mistook for "weird" was just my own personal brand of creativity.

On the other hand, it does feel kind of freeing to have the flexibility to just "blow in the wind" and not become nailed down into being just one thing.

Maybe this is who I'm supposed to be after all...the "Tabula Rasa".

;-)

Ask Me Anything...

2010-05-08T00:01:00.000-05:00

And, I do mean ANYTHING!

http://www.formspring.me/Rocafella07

;-)

About Last Night: Burlesque With Aubrey O'Day

2010-05-05T22:00:00.001-05:00

Last Saturday, I had the pleasure of going to my first "industry" event, at Enclave, in downtown Chicago, where I met one of my favorite people in the entertainment business...Aubrey O'Day! Yes, I met Aubrey from Danity Kane! We shook hands, hugged, and took photos! I'm sorry, I'm having one of those "fag attacks" right now. You know, its like a heart attack, but happens whenever a Gay man so much as shares the same air as one of his favorite divas. Get it now?

This was also my first time going to Enclave, mainly because its a "straight" nightclub. So, I was a little new to both the "industry" thing as well as the "straight club" thing. Plus, my buddies "M" and "G" didn't want to come, so I was flying solo. But, there were a few "industry gays" there too, so I didn't feel too lost. Either way, it was a good way to get my feet wet for these kind of events with red carpets, photogs, and other professionals. It also opened my eyes to the other side of being a single twenty-something living in the big city, and the fact that life does actually exists outside of my Gayborhood.

The club was beautiful, as if they had taken a piece of Los Angeles and dropped it in the middle of downtown Chicago. I could definitely see how West coast Celebrities can feel at home when partying at Enclave. The burlesque show, hosted by Miss O'Day, featured Vegas performances by La Couture, ..., all capped off with an act from "Peep Show" staring Aubrey. The girls were absolutely amazing, and had the crowd completely mesmerized, including myself. I couldn't even take my Gay eyes away from this performance art. Seeing the burlesque performance also inspired me to find my inner "Showman".

;-)

Where The Hell Have I Been?!?

2010-04-27T10:00:00.000-05:00

Its feels like its been years since I've posted or written anything! The weird thing is that I've been drafting a lot of posts, but procrastinated when it came to finishing anything. Since my last post, in January, I've been so busy and drained from both school and work. But, I'm back now, have lots to write about. For some reason, I feel like certain classes that I've been taking in college have been stifling me on a creative level...I guess.

I'll be back to posting before this coming weekend.

;-)

Ready Or Not?

2010-01-05T20:52:00.001-06:00

"So...Are you ready for love?"

Its weird how a simple yes or no question can be so complex at the same time. Not only is it complex, its a loaded question at that. I hate loaded questions. Some loaded questions put me that mode called "your damned if you do, your damned if you don't". The guy that in currently
dating, on a casual basis, asked me the above question, last night, via a phone conversation.

He asked if I was "ready for love", and after I got on my invisible soapbox and read him the riot act for asking me such a loaded question, I said "I don't know". After that, the conversation shifted, and I once again had to pull out my soapbox to give him my half-feminist half-militant speech on how I feel about relationships in general. Basically, I told him that relationships are institutions of control, I would be damned if I ever allowed another man to have control over me, and that I like having the freedom to do what/who ever I please. I was being honest. Some days, I wish that I were in one of those "loving" relationships. But, other days, I'm glad to have my freedom as a single man in his twenties.

Once upon a time, I did honestly want to fall in "love" with the man of my dreams and have my first and maybe last boyfriend. I lived in the fairy tale delusion that if I found my "Prince Charming", that his "love" would solve all of my problems and clean up the mess known as Me. Well, the Universe bitch slapped into reality. I found him, fell in "love" with him, he broke my heart, and he ended up choosing to be with someone who's less complicated than me. I personally don't feel like going through that experience all over again. I licked my wounds, grew
up, and now I'm smart enough to know not to let it happen again. Its kind of like the verse from that Rihanna song, "Rehab", "...And I'll never give myself to another the way I gave it to you...Don't even recognize the ways you hurt me do you?".

Is anyone ever REALLY ready for "love"?

;-)

Mr. Wine vs. Mr. Tequlia...The Age-Old Battle

2009-12-22T21:00:00.000-06:00

A few weeks ago, I was chatting with a longtime buddy of mine. To make a long story short, I liked him years ago, he didn't act interested, I grew up and realized exactly the type of guys I really liked, he came back around, told me he had a "thing" for me now, and I basically had to break it to him that he wasn't my "type" anymore. In breaking this news to him, a funny notion started cooking in my mind. And, it made perfect sense. I'm hoping it'll make to you guys and gals too.

Let me be the first to say it...Men are like cocktails. Some guys are smooth and sophisticated, like wine. While others are wild and leave you with a hangover, like tequila or whatever hard liquor you might prefer. After taking a minute to really think about it, I realized that its not
only true, but the philosophical battle between the two, Mr. Wine and Mr. Tequila, has been going on for ages. And, most recently, they've been having a tennis match in my own head.

Like I mentioned before, "wine" guys are smooth and sophisticated. They also tend to older, drama free, tame, mature, and more straightforward about their feelings. Case in point, I actually dated a "wine" guy for almost two months. I also hooked up with one this past Summer, but, that's for another time. Anyway, I met a massage therapist by the name
of "Hands" in August. We met while I was modeling shirtless at the Chicago Pride booth, at Market Days. At first, it was just a passing flirtation while I handed him a flyer. But, little did I know that Hands and I would end up meeting that night, at a downtown club.

While at Shadow Bar, with my guys, Hands and I ran into each other as if fate itself had willed it so. I thought he was cute, he liked how I looked with my shirt off, and two minutes of witty conversation later we were exchanging numbers. We ended up talking and texting ourselves into that following Mondays' mid-afternoon lunch date at a downtown "gourmet" burger spot that I had seen on the Zagat site. The date went really well. As it turned out, Hands was a 32 year-old educated, well-traveled, driven, sweetheart who worked in Chicago's Financial District while pursuing a career as a massage therapist. We hit it off well, even though I was a little put off by our age difference. I mean, lets face it, while he was hitting puberty, I was still in diapers and potty training.

During the course of us dating, I noticed that he liked me a lot more than I liked him. Apparently, he felt the "spark", while I, on the other hand, didn't. I liked Hands, but, I just didn't feel "over the moon" about him. After we parted I realized what was really wrong. To anyone else, Hands would be "Mr. Right". But, to me, he was boring. He was too nice, too tame, didn't like going out or partying much, and he was too easy to be with. Basically, Hands was a "Wine" guy. He wasn't wild, crazy, adventurous, fun, and challenging puzzle...like a "Tequila" guy...like H.B., who I've spent a lot of time with last Summer, or like the other guys that I'm attracted to.

Does this all mean that I'm secretly attracted to..."bad boys"?

;-)

He Don't Wanna Kiss...He Just Wants to Fuck Fuck Fuck.

2009-09-27T10:40:00.002-05:00

This post was originally going to be called; "So, He Won't Kiss You...Yet, He Wants a Blowjob, To Blow Your Back Out, and Possibly Have You Climb His Back." But, I figured that would have been too much of a mouth full.

I was at work the other night, talking with one of my gal pals, when the conversation veered off into sex and men. Mainly, the weird sexual hangups that some men seem to have. Like, for example, how a straight guy might refuse to passionately kiss a girl that he's fucking around with, yet, this same guy will eat her pussy until the cows come home. Isn't it odd how these great discussions seem to start when yours truly is around?

I got to thinking about the alternate Gay version of this conundrum. You know, that Gay guy, usually a "top", who doesn't want to kiss nor blow the other guy he's hooking up with (or on a date with), yet, expects to get served some ass with a blowjob on the side. I've personally seen this situation far too many times. But, two times in particular seem to stand out for me. One, an online hookup and potential date, from last Fall, whose fuckery was just too much to deal with. The other, a date from a month ago.

Guy number one, "Homeboy", I met on Adam4Adam. I loved his photos, which later turned out to be completely fake and stolen from an escort's page. The conversation was cute, he seemed intelligent enough, and he had a good job in real estate. With all of that going for him, I figured I would consider talking to him and see it might lead. And, did I mention those hot photos, which he lifted from the sexy escort's page? I mean, he wasn't unattractive, he just wasn't what I expected. Anyway, it was a cold mid-November Saturday night when Homeboy and I decided to hangout at his temporary home, which also housed his family. I got to his place and noticed the difference in his appearance. But, just like he was intelligent enough, over the phone, he was just cute enough, in person, for me to decide not to ask the million dollar question. Plus, I was
curious about him. Not the "I wanna get to know him" kind of curious, but, the "I wanna study him" kind of curious. I mean, I have a guy here who, one, used fake photos online, two, had the balls to meet with me, and three, did feel compelled to address the obvious elephant in the
room. This was a new kind of fuckery, and I had to investigate it further.

Homeboy and I sat on the couch for awhile, channel surfing, until he invited me into a cluttered and cramped guess bedroom, to finish watching "The Borne Supremacy" on HBO. We laid in bed, cuddling, heavy petting, you know, the usual. But, every time I tried to kiss him
anywhere near the mouth, he would do this sly little move where he would try to steer my head to his crotch. Fed up, I asked him what was up. Homeboy then told me that he doesn't kiss anyone until getting to know them better. So, he didn't want to kiss me, yet, he wanted a blowjob. What the fuck kind of logic is that?!?

Mentally, I threw my hands in the air, said "whatever", and gave him some lack-luster head. I mean, I was bored, it was late, and I didn't feel like making a trek all the way back to my place. After I got bored of blowing Homeboy, he got up and went over to a drawed storage
container by the bed. In which case, he pulls out and throws onto the bed a condom and a small jar of "dollar store" Vaseline. I my head, I'm asking myself: "what kind of fuckery is this guy?". I picked up the jar, looked Homeboy square in the eye, and asked what the hell it was for. He
then informs me that its supposed to be "lube". What the fuck is this, that OZ show? I then sighed, looked back at him, and simply stated: "Nah, its really not." I hate when men are uneducated about the "basics" of man-on-man action.

After I shut Homeboy down, we agreed to take our asses to bed. He bitterly slept on his side and I slept on the other, until the morning came, and I took my ass home to sit in front of the TV with a Mcgriddle. After that morning, Homeboy and I never spoke again.

Guy number two, the "Debater", I met back in July. One Saturday, after a week of "sexting" back and forth, we had an impromptu late-night date. There wasn't much romance between us, but, we had a cute time. He took me to Shadow Bar, where I ended up getting another sexy guys' number. We took a late-night stroll around the Gayborhood, which ended in us going to IHOP for whatever meal it is that occurs at three AM. While waiting for our food, we had the chance to really talk. The Debater had a lot going for him. He was not only sexy, but, he was smart-a recent graduate from Los Angeles, who decided move back home, to Chicago, for law school and to teach the art of Debate to high-schooler's. The more we talked, the more i liked him, and seemingly the more chemistry we had.

After IHOP, the Debater and I came back to my place to unwind. We watched a little TV, cuddled, and started fooling around. Between all of the rubbing, touching, and groping, I made my way to kiss him on the lips. While playing with his dick, he gives me the line: "I don't usually kiss somebody til I get to know them..." I then asked him how long that usually takes, which he tells me is two dates. Yet, he was alright with us "sixty-nining" together. I was somewhat fine with that, and we continued our activity. But, not ten minutes later, he broke his little kissing rule, and began the "sex debate". He wanted to have sex, mainly, he wanted to fuck me. I then picked up his earlier line, about kissing, and threw it right back at him.

Needless to say, he didn't like hearing his own line coming from someone else's lips. But, he got over it, and we had a hot little "session" before he left. The Debater and I continued talking, on and off, after that night, but, it just never went anywhere.

My question is this; what is the mentality and reasoning behind the guy who's up for fucking, and everything else under the sun, yet, doesn't want to lip-lock?

About Last Night: The LUXe "Download" Party

2009-08-11T20:52:00.000-05:00

Last week, while on vacation from work, I was looking for the perfect way to put a cap on my week off, and the perfect Friday night segway into the weekend. I started the week with a drag show and $1 drinks at Republic, on Monday, and wanted to do something fun yet different then what I was used to. Don't get me wrong, I love The Prop House-maybe because I only go four times a year, in fact, I was there a week before and had a great booze-filled time. I just wanted try meeting a different crowd, at a different venue, other then the "Prop crowd". The Chicago
gays know what I'm talking about. Plus, I wanted to go out, look sexy and seductive, get a little drunk, and "get my life".

Which lead me to this:

LUXe is a new entertainment/party-promoting group in Chicago's Black Gay nightlife. They've thrown a couple events/parties already this summer, including a Blk Gay Pride "thing" in early July. Even though I've been invited to their past events, I wasn't able to check things out, because of my work schedule. Still, I found it interesting that I hadn't heard any of the usual gay "buzzing" about whether or not these parties were the "tea". Ironically, one of this groups' members happens to be Heartbreaker's(HB's) allegedly-crazy ex-boyfriend, while another member happens to be the not so good-looking neighbor that a screwed with last summer during one of my "low" moments. Small world, right?

Anyway, that night, after going to Forever-21 for a cute white fitted v-neck shirt, I came home, called the guys to let them know where to meet-up, and made my nighttime "transformation". Even though it was drizzling out, and I was of course without my umbrella, I didn't let that deter me from my quest to have a great Friday night clubbing with my buddies. Besides, I looked way too sexy to just stay home, on a Friday night, because of a little rain.

Downtown, we made our way to the large castle known as Excalibur Nightclub. Once inside, my buddy quickly pointed out not only how "dead" the place was, but also how "queen-filled" it was, and if we should go somewhere else. I, on the other hand, noticed the lack of eye candy, and told him that it was still an early twelve midnight, and that we should give the place a good thirty minutes to fill up. Plus, after paying ten bucks to get us into that place, i was damn sure going to get my money's worth. That being said, we quickly made a bee-line over to the bar for a couple of "feel good" drinks, to make the situation enjoyable.

Walking around and sipping our drinks, we took in the club's posh atmosphere. The place was beautiful, the bartenders made great drinks, but, the function or party itself wasn't as "cutting edge" is it was advertised to be. Also, the "VIP" sections weren't exactly different from the rest of the place. The only thing separating the "VIPs" and the general crowd was an extra $50 and a velvet rope. In my opinion, the whole event was just a bit too pretentious for its own good. Basically, the creators were trying too hard. I like the "classy-urban" concept behind their events, but, hopefully, after enough trial and error, this entertainment group can tweak things enough to find the right formula for them.

Thirty minutes and one drink later, my southern buddy and I were still bored with the event, and decided to hop on the subway to hangout in the "Gayborhood" on the north side.

;-)

Update: 7-20-2009

2009-07-20T07:25:00.000-05:00

I've been gone for far too long...in more ways then one. Luckily, I'm done with school for the rest of the summer, and I can actually enjoy a summer for once. Plus, I finally have a much need vacation away from the job, starting this Friday.

Another reason why I haven't really been writing, I guess, is because I've been having a hard time organizing my thoughts so that they sound clear. I guess that's the downside of taking a Composition English class. But, I came around, and realized that my "freestyle-n-proofread-n-spellcheck-later" method of writing this blog is what feels natural to me, and puts the fun writing for me. Besides, I've never really been a "rule driven" person. Anyway, just like Georgina from "Gossip Girl", the boy is back.

I really don't know where to start, but, I'm drafting something right now that should be posted within the next couple days.

Stay with me guys.

;-)

23 Questions...The Birthday Edition

2009-05-30T09:40:00.000-05:00

Ok, my birthday was yesterday. But, since I had to work, I'm celebrating it this entire weekend (the 30-31st). I really want to take on being 23 with something different. A new outlook of things, a new attitude, and maybe trying a more "grown up" look. It is a year of Change right?

All that being said, and without being too wordy, this is a "Ask the Writer" post that I've been curious about trying for a while. Since I'm turning 23, I figure why not?

Here's how it goes: Readers can ask me as many questions as they like. But, of those questions, I will answer only 23 of the best and most interesting questions, which will be answered in an upcoming post. This post will stay up for 2-3 weeks, just to give people time to either find it or have time to think...there's no rush!

By the way, if you follow my Twitter, roca_fella07, you might already know...I got my nipples pierced the other day! I'm I still a prude?

Have fun.

;-)

Featured Video #1: "Strict" Top = "Stone" Lesbian?

2009-05-20T22:30:00.001-05:00

Ive been thinking about adding a "Featured Videos" section, to the Blog, for a while now. I'm just now getting around to. Its still in the trial-&-error phase, so I'll see how it goes. Also, I might be making my own "Gossip Girl" styled videos, this upcoming summer. Anyway, since I'm a YouTube junkie, and a lover of video blogs, my "Featured Videos" will feature videos from other bloggers and video makers, who's topics grab my attention. The content will range from important to funny...But, never "cheesy".

Which brings me today's video, by Xem VanAdams. I completely understand and agree with where he's coming from, in this video. He basically summed up my exact viewpoint in under ten minutes. And, you guys already know how I feel when it comes to sexual "labels" and whatnot.

Is he right?

Sidebar: I finally gave in, and Ive.......Joined Twitter! I'm giving it a try, so feel free to Follow me, Friend me, etc: http://twitter.com/Roca_fella07

;-)

Caught in the Spin-Cycle of Online Dating...Is There a Way Out?

2009-05-04T10:58:00.002-05:00

Back in February, I hit the one year mark...on my BGC (BlackGayChat) account. Yes, its no secret that I have a BGC account, as well as an Adam4Adam account. I mean, its 2009, what single, computer savvy, on-the-go, Gay man doesn't have a profile somewhere on the Internet?

In the past, I bashed the online dating "avenue" because I felt that the whole thing was just to robotic and inorganic. I compared online dating and looking through peoples profiles, to being the equivalent of browsing Urban Outfitters.com. But, instead of window shopping for a t-shirt, those on dating sites were just window shopping for a potential mate. I also thought it was somewhat tacky, and didn't think it would be "cute" to tell people, someday, that I met my fantabulous boyfriend on the Internet.

Moreover, I assumed that if someone had to resort to using the Internet, to meet a potential date, that they were basically admitting to not being able to find someone, the "normal" way, in the outside world. But, like with with so many other things, I marinated on it, opened my mind, grew a little, came around to the idea, and finally decided to create a couple new profiles online.

So, for the past year or so, I've been doing the whole "online" thing with the sole purpose of finding someone to date. After all, isn't THAT the service that one is signing up for, when one creates a profile on a Dating website? That's what I assumed at first. Until ten or so messages later, when I realized that about 80% (I'm being nice) of the men on those sites are looking for one thing...SEX.

I can't even keep track of how many guys have sent me messages, for the objective of "hooking up" with me. Or, in other words, to "chill". Yes, the term "chill", in urban Gay vernacular, is the new "lets fuck/play". And, I of all people am not going to stand atop my soapbox and wag my finger at those who are online for sex. I mean, with all the "one nights" and "hookup's" I've had, especially recently, I have no room to talk about anyone else. Even though I've tried it on occasion, that the whole "searching the Internet ONLY for sex" thing isn't really my cup of tea. I've actually been online, for the past year, looking for someone to date and get to know.

Which brings me to the other day. I was on BGC exchanging messages and having a little discussion with a guy who gave me quite the education. Here's how it went down (the short version):

Roc: ...Well, where else am I supposed to look?

User XYZ: if u lookin for love...then u definitely should not look for it on here....im sho u meet kats out and about....or at the club somewhere other then here....cause what they all lookin for on here.... quiet as its kept is sex....they just dont say it in the beginning of the conversation ...but if u tight to them then they'll get in yours drawers eventually....most dont keep it real on here.....they pretend to look for love but once u have sex then the idea of love goes out the door and then they r back on here lookin for love again ...which will be sex....and then they repeat the same thing they did with u.....but bgc is what u make it.....im here to check niggas out and see whos got the rite vibe for me to entertain.....normally if i meet one and we chill and or have sex....they dont call no mo after we chill.....so them i find myself back here lonely and lookin for the next thing.....sorry im just keeping it real man....this is my own experiences with bgc and this so called gay life....so i just flow with whats comfortable for me.....

After I marinated on User XYZ's two cents, I got to thinking about the fuckery known as Gay Internet dating. I mean, what the fuck? Is this what the Gay community is all cracked up to be? Are Gay men just destined to be stuck on "repeat" until the end of time?

More importantly, has "true love" become the Gay community's version of the "Holy Grail"?

;-)

Its Gone Out The Window

2009-03-10T21:28:00.000-05:00

A long time ago, when I started this Blog/Journal, a few posts in, I wrote a post about being celibate. Well, that's not the case anymore. That's right everyone, as of January 1st of this year, I'm no longer celibate. Was it all just a "phase"?

Why did I give up being celibate after nearly three years? I realized that, being a little older now, that I have a good enough "filtering" system, for figuring out whether or not a guy is "sponge worthy". Plus, I came to the conclusion that, if I want any hope of keeping a guy around, I'm going to have to start having sex. And, the whole "I'm celibate" thing isn't going to work if I want someone to be in a relationship with me.

Things have gotten interesting...To say the least.

;-)

Cautionary Tales #2: That Foot-Fetish Guy

2009-03-03T00:30:00.002-06:00

September 2008

What does one do, when he's been in a club, getting tipsy, and the cute enough guy that's been staring at him all night finally comes over, gives his spiel, and then asks: "Do you got some nice FEET?" Well, I took his number, laughed at the situation on my train-ride home, played text-tag with "Dr. Scholl" for a couple weeks, ended up at his place, and had a face-to-face encounter with a bottle of Anal Poppers.

Ok, let me explain. At the time, I was still trying to get over someone, bored, and wanted to prove to myself that I could move on...by fucking other people. Now, I know the whole "get over a guy by getting under/on top of a new one" formula is retarded. But, hey, I'm still learning. And, besides, Dr. Scholl was cute-in fact he was a local model/actor, so I was interested in seeing where this would lead.

Anyway, it was a boring mid-summer Sunday afternoon, the weather was perfect, and I wanted to get out of my apartment to do something or someone. So, I texted Dr. Scholl, and, before I knew it, we were making plains to hangout that evening at his posh downtown apartment.

After I had showered, freshened up, and put on some "smell goods", I made my way downtown, to Jewel, to pick up something to drink (his idea). As I was nearing his building I gave Dr. Scholl a ring to figure out exactly where to go. He directed me to his entrance, and I hopped on the
elevator to the 20th floor.

When I arrived at his apartment, I was amazed by how beautiful and large his place was. Even more amazing was the view, of downtown Chicago, from his balcony. He took the grocery bag I was holding, and motioned me to his living room couch. While I was busy soaking in the environment, and checking out the artwork on his walls, he had opened two of the drinks I had bought, and brought one over to me.

We sat, we chatted, we got comfortable, and then the weirdness started. While we were sitting next to each other, he asked if he could see my foot. I put my foot in Dr. Scholl's lap, he took off my shoe, and proceeded to examine my foot while massaging it at the same time. I didn't know what to think, say, or do. So, I took another swig from my Strawberry Smirnoff, and smiled.

After he got up close and personal with my feet, I was invited to watch TV, in his bedroom, drink and all. He stripped down, to his un-cute red undies, as soon as we got into his room, and I followed suite. He hopped in the bed, took a huge sniff of something from a small bottle, whipped out his huge disproportionate dick, and gave me that "You wanna suck?" look.

Now, during all of this, I took a second to look at the situation at hand. I realized that I wasn't all that attracted to Dr. Scholl. Even though he was cute, he was extremely boring and lack luster-a
quality that I absolutely hate in a man. I like to make out, and he didn't. Plus, his dick wasn't the least bit attractive-another quality I hate in a man. But, I was bored, he was there, and I was a little buzzed...so, why not?

I hopped in his bed, got in the sixty-nine position, and gave him a minor blowjob. In the midst of "blowing" Dr. Scholl, I stopped, looked him in the eye, and asked when he was going to reciprocate my oral favor. He told me that he was "ok", which also told me that it was time to put down the dick, and time to start negotiating. I hate having to negotiate sex, like a business transaction. It makes me feel like a "pro"-which doesn't bother me. But, in this day and age, negotiating is a must.

And so the negotiations began. We negotiated oral sex-which he didn't want to reciprocate, so I told him, flat out, that if I wasn't getting any he damn well wasn't going to get anymore mileage from my mouth. He then brought to the table the fact that he wanted to fuck me. We weakly negotiated THAT while he grabbed a Magnum and a bottle of Lube from his dresser.

Sidebar: By the way, hearing a guy trying "sell", or "market", his sex is one of the funniest things in the world. Apparently, when a guy is trying to persuade you to give him some ass, he will use all of weak lines that he can think of to try to convince you. Its hilarious! I mean, I would never feel the need to persuade sex out of someone. Its tacky. And, I think that if someone has to beg, or convince, anyone into sex, it might be a sign that the sex in question shouldn't be happening in the first place. Either that, or some kind of cash exchange should be taking place.

Anyway, I figured "what the hell", and decided to let Dr. Scholl at least TRY to use his disproportionately big dick on me. He tried, he failed. He tried again, and failed. This is when he took that small sniffing bottle, from earlier, handed it to me, and told me to take a big sniff from it. I examined the bottle, and knew exactly what it was. I mean, I've taken enough trips to various Sex Shops in the Gayborhood, seen enough porn, and been around long enough to know what ANAL POPPERS are. But, up until this moment, I never found myself face-to-face with an open bottle. Nonetheless, I played "innocent", and asked Dr. Scoll what exactly it was that he had handed me. I knew damn well what it was, but, I was interested in what he'd tell me it was.

According to him, that little bottle was just a vaporized "muscle relaxant". I knew better, but, my curiosity took over, and I took a big sniff. I was surprised by how familiar the Poppers felt...Because it was the equivalent of sniffing a fucking PERMINET MARKER! I was expecting a lot more from something that sales for $5.99 a "pop".

In a semi popper-induced haze, I decided that there was no way I was going to be fucked by Dr.Scholl. I brought having a mutual-masturbation "session", he was half into it, and we proceed. And what happens? He's done in under three minutes, I'm left laying in his bed, still working away, while he gets dressed and tides his apartment. When I'm done, he tosses me a towel, I clean up, he walks me to the elevator, and I leave.

On my way home, I couldn't help but to think about what just happened. And, I realized...If I had to go through all of that, just to end up masturbating alone in bed, I could've just layed in my own damn bed and had a hassle-free "release".

What did I learn from this?

If it doesn't feel right?...It shouldn't be happening.

;-)

So, I've Been Gone For A Minute (Update)...

2009-03-02T11:46:00.001-06:00

Before I make a new post, I just want to say: Ok, I know I've been gone for a while. Well, over a month to be exact. And, I hate it! I consider my Blog, like my Sidekick, my iPod, and my laptop, to be one of my "children". I hate not keeping up with my writing, but, there's a few reasons why I haven't been around.

School started back, mid January, and I've been busy ever since. Now, I have school, during the day, Monday-Thursday. Along with work, every night, Monday-Friday. So, by the time the weekend comes around, I don't feel like doing much of anything.

Having the Flu, last weekend, didn't help either.

But, I'm back now, and I'm going to be writing a lot more.

;-)

Club Hopping 101

2009-01-12T20:30:00.001-06:00

Its amazing what can happen in just a year's time. A year ago, I lost my "clubbing" virginity, and told you guys all about it. And, I remember it, just like it was yesterday.

A few weeks ago, I was looking through the various Club flyer's I had laying on one of my bedside tables, and it dawned on me. I've come such a long long long way from the club "virgin" I once was. That night, I was actually debating on where I wanted to spend my night...based on which place had the least expensive admission, the stronger/bigger/best priced drinks, etc.

I was surprised by how much my knowledge of the Club scene has expanded, in under a year. Now, I know which places, on certain nights, have which "drink specials". I've figured out where I can get more for my money. I figured out which crowds go to what places...meaning, I know where the hot guys and diverse crowds are.

Surprisingly, along the way, I've gotten "competed" drinks, discounted admission, been put on a few "VIP" list, and even gotten free porn. I like going to different places, and getting a "feel" for different environments. But, its great that, the more place I go to, the more choices I have for how I want to spend my free and single nights.

Its weird how things can change in just a year.

;-)

Cyndi Lauper: 55 Years Old, and Still Turning It!

2009-01-05T20:00:00.000-06:00

So, I'm up at 4am (should've took my ass to sleep at 3am), watching LOGO, and what do I see? A new-ish video from Cyndi Lauper (one of my favorite artists), called "Into The Nightlife". I liked it...especially the eye candy.

;-)

Happy New Year 2009!!

2009-01-04T08:00:00.000-06:00

Well, its a whole new year, and I'm back! I know its been a good minute since I've written anything. Luckily, that's something I'm working on for 2009, along with a few other things.

A lot has happened in the past few weeks, so, instead of making a long long long drawn-out post, I'll just give you the abridged version:

I had one of the greatest Christmas's and holiday weekend's of my life...with "Heartbreaker"! Yeah, we've been back in each others lives since November. And, its not what you might think. We're both still SINGLE. We're friends. We enjoy each other's company. And, we have "fun"...which sometimes involves kissing, a little heavy petting, and maybe some skin-to-skin action. Anyway, spending the Holiday with him made me realize what an amazing guy he really is. I mean, you can really see a guys true colors when he's around his family.

("Bottle Pop" - Pussycat Dolls) ShawnQt gave me some sound advice, a couple months ago, on being a "Naughty Boy"...and, I want to publicly thank him for it! He just didn't warn me about the backlash that being "naughty" could bring, from people who can't take it (LOL). By the way, when the red light comes on I transform.

Speaking of being naughty, I recently discovered that FAVORED lube is the shit...and can be used for multiple purposes (LOL).

I'm to be experimenting with the Blog. Meaning, a slight change in the format. As well as a format change.

("Procrastination" - Amy Winehouse) I'm starting to realize, that procrastination is one of my biggest faults. It gets in the way of me doing so much of the stuff that I THINK about doing. I mean, THIS post was supposed to be done the night of the 1st, while I was sitting on my bed, eating pizza. Cut to me typing away, on my Sidekick, while on my way home, on the subway (LOL). Procrastination is definitely my BIG thing to work on in 2009.

There's more to come...

;-)

Cautionary Tales: #1 - The Chatline Is Not A "Hot" Line

2008-12-12T09:00:00.000-06:00

September 2005

At this time, I was nineteen years old, and one month into my freshmen year. I was new to Chicago, and didn't really know much about the city yet to know where to go on a boring Friday night. I was in my dorm, and in the midst of my boredom, while laying in bed on my laptop, I pulled out my cell phone, and decided to call the local Homo Chatline. A number which I got off of some website.

When I called, I played around a little bit, listening to the voice recordings of various guys, some "thugs", giving their stats, what they were looking for, and whatever-the-fuck else they wanted to say. You see, this is where things got kind of interesting. I came across the voice recording of a cute-SOUNDING guy, who was bored, and only seeking conversation. I sent him a message, he sent one back, and, voila, we were in our own private "room" within the Chatline.

Sidebar: For the sake of conversation, lets call this guy "Dexter"....As in poindexter....Get IN!

We talked for all of 20 minutes, before exchanging numbers. I thought this guy sounded like such a prettyboy. And, that's exactly what he "gave" me through the phone. In the midst of our lengthily conversation, we agreed to meet-up and hangout the next day. I felt, given how our connection was made, that there was a 50/50 chance that this guy could be the next Hannibal Lecter. I wasn't about to be stupid, so, I chose a nice public area for our meeting. This place was Millenium Park, in downtown Chicago.

Throughout that Saturday, we texted here-and-there just to check-in with each other. Evening came, and it was time to meet. I called him to figure out how long it would be before we should make our way downtown. Since he was fairly close to our destination, I made my way to the train heading to The Loop.

When I finally reached downtown, I stopped at 7-Eleven to pick up some gum. I mean, I can't just meet some cute guy without making sure I'm "minty fresh" first. While downtown, I called Dexter(19) to ask where he was. He was not only in the area, he was on his way to our destination. I followed suit, and was on my way to Millinum Park to meet Dexter the prettyboy.

I got to the Park, called Dexter again, and he informed me of what he was wearing. I looked around, and, alas, I spotted a guy in the outfit that Dexter described. But, the guy in front of me wasn't the "prettyboy" I imagined him to be from the phone. This guy was chubby, wore coke-bottle glasses in semi-stylish frames, was kind of nasal when he talked in person, and was just all-around unattractive to me.

I immediately went into panic mode. What to do, what to do?? I didn't want to be rude, or, an asshole, and hurt this guys feelings. So, I decided to turn a lemon into a lemon martini, and figured that I'd just befriend Dexter. Good idea, right?

Anyway, determined to be strictly platonic, I continued walking around the park, chatting with Dexter, and trying not to notice how he was staring and drooling at me. It was kind of dark out, and, I could help but let my mind wonder to the fact of how romantic this little evening stroll would've been if I were with my "Mr. Right". Dexter was tired of walking around, so we sit on a nearby bench to take in the scenery. Not five seconds later, he was "schooching" closer to me, and putting his hand on my knee. The child was trying it!

Luckily, I noticed a few rabbits running around a bush across from us. I sprang up and made a comment about what I saw. He got up too, and stood close to me. While standing, and inch from my face, Dexter asked if he could KISS me. I froze for a moment, swallowed, took a breath, and uttered "Yeah...you can.". And, with that, the beast known as Dexter proceeded to maul a young Rocafella in the most sloppiest manner. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love being mauled...by the RIGHT guy, in the RIGHT way. I mean, the boy didn't even know how kiss. And then, he had the balls to get all touchy-feely, and groped my ass.

Post lip-lock, Dexter stood grinning from ear-to-ear. While I stood there feeling somewhat like a "pro". Yes, I half expected him to pull a Ben Franklin out of his wallet, and hand it to me. We walked around for a few more minutes before I came up with an excuse for needing to cut our time short. We exchanged "goodbye's", and I told Dexter that I would call him when I got back to my dorm....But, I didn't.

What did I learn from this experience?

Just because he has a cute phone-voice, doesn't always mean he's a
cute guy.

The Chatline is not the "hot" line (stay turned).

Venues, like the Chatline, are purely for entertainment purposes.

;-)

One Year Later...

2008-12-02T21:00:00.001-06:00

Its been one whole year since I began my journey into the Blogsphere. And, now I'm comfortable with officially calling myself a Blogger.

I also want to thank all of my fellow Bloggers and recreational readers for reading my blog, and for sticking with me through all this time. I especially want to thank those of you who take the time to leave comments. That means the world to me. I love getting feedback, your opinions, your ideas, thoughts, and criticisms. I value it all, so much, because it lets me know that I'm not as alone, in my thinking, as I thought I was.

I have a few things on the horizon, when it comes to the Blog. One of which is a new series of posts called...Cautionary Tales. I'm in the middle of writing/drafting #1, right now. I expect to have it out either at the end of this week or next Monday.

Thank you all, again, for sticking with me this long!

;-)

Labels, Labels, Labels!...And The Fuckery They Bring.

2008-11-25T21:00:00.001-06:00

So, I've been wondering for the longest, what's the fucking deal Gay men and labels, when it comes to each other? I seem to only run into guys who are stuck on labels, for themselves, as well as other men. Meaning, the whole "Top", "Bottom", "Versitile", "Versitile-Top", and "Versitile-Bottom" label thing that it seems most Gays like to use for, and on, each other.

Personally, I've never been into the lable thing. I don't use any of the previously used labels to describe myself nor do I use them when looking for a boyfriend, date, etc. Even on my Adam4Adam and BGC profiles, I don't have anything listed under my "position". Also, while online looking at various profiles or pages, I don't use a guy's listed "position" to detemine whether or not I'm going to send him a message. In my rational; if I think he's hot, I like the content in his profile, and if his dimensions line-up, I send a message.

Lately, I've been coming across guys who are hung-up on labels. Heartbreaker was(is) hungup on being a "Top". So much so, that he lets it affect his relationship and dating choices. One of his friends even told me that Heartbreaker needs to be with a guy who's a "Strict Bottom". What the fuck is a "Strict" bottom??

And then there's this new shorty I've been talking to. We met online, one Sunday night, while I was in the middle of getting ready to go out. Since he happend to live in my neighborhood, I decided to take a small detour by his place on my way to original my destination. I got to his apartment, and was kind of surprized by how much of a cutie he was. Since he didn't have a face pic online, but, a nice body pic, I expected a "butta-face". But, hey, I was going in that direction for the train anyway, so, why not make a small pit stop?

Anyway, we met, hangout in his place, talked for about thirty minutes, and said our goodbye's. In our time together, nothing remotely sexual happened between us. Which was nice since we were just trying to get to know each other. Besides, he's cute, he's nice, he's smart, but, he's not really my "type" body wise.

A few minutes later, after I left, we ended up having an exchange, which he initiated, via text, as follows;

Dude: "Hey. Can I ask you somethin'?"

Roc: "Yeah, what is it?"

Dude: "Are you a top or a bottom?"

Roc: "LOL! Niether...you?"

Dude: "Top...u must be verz then."

Roc: "yea, I guess. Lol."

Next afternoon, while I'm on the bus, he texts me with some type of fuckery.

Dude: "If you had to choose, to get fucked or do the fucking, for the rest of your life, which would you choose?"

Roc: "LOL! What kinda question is that?"

Dude: "Just answer it."

Roc: "Lmao! Niether...you?"

Dude: "I'm a top, so its obvious what I choose. Just pick one."

Roc: "Why do I have to choose one?"

Dude: "I'll give u some time to think about it..."

Roc: "I don't need time to think. Lol!...why is it such a big deal?"

Sidebar: I didn't even really like this guy "all like that". He's cute, but, not really my type. So, I don't even know why I continued with this text fuckery for as long as I did. I think it was a combination of personal boredom mixed with the fact that I like a little comfrontation from time-to-time.

Dude: "Bcuz I need to know what's goin' on if we get into a relationship..."

Roc: "I guess."

Long story, short, we had a little text argument about how I can't date nor be involved with guys who are hungup on labels. He defended himself. We went back and forth on the issue. And, then we basically agreed to disagree.

Anyway, I hate running into guys who are hungup on labels. Not only for themselves, but, for other gay males. I've noticed that our Lesbian counterparts don't seem to have the problem in their community. And, they seem to have great fufilling relationships, without letting labels control their lives.

When are Gay men going to stop being such Label Whores?

;-)

The Naughty Boy Tour: Weekend #1

2008-11-19T21:00:00.000-06:00

**Listening To**
"Mannequin" by. Britney Spears

Friday night, the Naughty Boy went to the club, got slightly drunk, and
got three numbers. One came from a semi-cute older dude (who I won't be
entertaining) that kept insisting on me taking his number, one came from a
hot little freak with a nice little muscular frame, and the other was
from a sexy military boy.

Saturday night, the Naughty Boy went to...A sex party! But, due to how
incredibly lame it was, I ended up leaving. I mean, who wants to attend
a "party" where their the ONLY good-looking person there? No offense,
but, middle-aged out-of-shape men DON'T turn me on.

More to come...

;-)

11-4-2008

2008-11-04T21:33:00.002-06:00

*Listening To*

"Bad Girl" by. Danity Kane
"Sophisticated Lady" by. Mya
"Blindfold Me" by. Kelis
"Dirrty" by. Christina Aguilera
.............................................................................

So, my last entry was written while I was an emotional mess (what's new?). I've been thinking and marinating since then. And, I'm not becoming an "escort" or anything of that nature. But, my cloths will be coming off more freely now. I'm still sick and tired of being a "good" guy and getting fucked over because of it. So, I've decided to work on becoming a Naughty Boy instead.

I wonder how long the Naughty Boy Tour of 2008- will last?

;-)

10-21-2008

2008-10-22T09:19:00.000-05:00

I'VE HAD IT!

I'm angry. I've been angry for awhile now. I want to be someone else...someone completely different altogether. I was thinking, at work, about why I'm so unsuccessful in the "relations" department. And, I realized that the one unchanged constant is...ME, Myself, and I. I'm the thing that's wrong.

Up until this point, being Me and being the "good" guy has gotten nothing but a broken heart, being "played", and alone. It was Me who wasn't enough for Cool and Heartbreaker . Its Me who doesn't deserve to be happy with anyone. Its Me who's never good enough for anyone. Its Me who isn't good enough to be "loved" by anyone. And, I'm tired of it. I'm tired of being Me. So, I need to be Someone else...opposite of the "good" guy.

I need to become someone who's always wanted, desired, and lusted after. I need to be someone who uses-up men, then spits them out. I need be one-dimensional, a freak, and a 24/7 walking sex object....after all, that's what men want, right? Well, that's going to be the new "Me". And, there's no more "freebies" when it comes to dealing with men...its pay-2-play for now on.

Also, I'm looking into going in the stripping profession.

I'm DONE!

;-)

On The Horizon...

2008-10-13T22:30:00.001-05:00

Next month (mid-November) is going to be the One Year Anniversary of my Blog/Journal. Its amazing how fast time can go by.

At work, the other night, thinking randomly when an idea popped into my head. So, November will not only usher in the anniversary of my Blog, at will also be the introduction of a new category.

What is this new category called?...."Cautionary Tales".

What will "Cautionary Tales" consist of?....My hookup horror stories and other bad experiences when it come to dealing with the same sex . Yes, I have a few from the past (pre-celibacy) and a few from present day, so far. I've just been figuring out how and to write them.

Why exactly are these Cautionary Tales?.....Because, from each "tale", I've learned a valuable lesson, and, I'm hoping that others will too.

Are you ready?

;-)

One Good Buddy

2008-10-09T22:00:00.002-05:00

So, there's a new person in my life. Lets call him...The Rookie. He's not really a "friend"...more like a buddy...a Cuddle buddy. But, with less cuddling (if any), and more kissing.

Rookie is 20, cute, and basically just started "messing around" with guys...hence, the name "Rookie". We met a few weeks ago at a club (a 21+ club) when his only "gay" friend came and talked me because Rookie was too shy. We exchanged numbers, talked later that night, and decided to hangout for a little bit that next day.

Rookie isn't really "boyfriend" material for me. He's not "out" and he's going through that whole period of trying to figure out his sexuality. But, he's a good, sweet guy, and I don't mind giving him a place where he can feel comfortable. And, to also educate his ass....because the boy knows NOTHING.

Anyway, the first time he came over, we just chilled and talked for a little bit. We made-out before he left, and that was the start of our "cuddle buddy" relationship. The last two times he came over (a total of three so far), have been white hot. We might not have "sex" sex, but, we definitely get things "popping" on the Oral tip (pun lightly intended). Basically, we have a ton of foreplay and affection and 69-ing jacking off...which is great! Its actually very hot. There's this whole "thing" of us feeding off of each other's sexual energy.

Anyway, after the cum stops flying, he cleans up and casually leaves like a criminal fleeing a crime scene...which, for some reason, is alright with me. I mean, he gives me what I need for the time being and leaves. There's no attitude, no expectations...no strings. He's the perfect man...right? Except when he spills his "baby batter" on my BLACK blanket.

On one hand, I feel some kind of empowerment. Being in control of what happens, teasing all those special "spots", and being able to make someone go absolutely wild with ecstasy is a pretty damn good feeling. On the other hand, I can't help but feel somewhat hooker-esque (which I don't mind & think is kind of hot). I mean, for some reason, he reminds me of a "John" who's all tense at first because he's not sure of how things are supposed to go. But, when things get started, and he's gotten to his comfort zone, the freak comes out.

Either way, this is all very interesting to me. And, I think that everyone should experience this type of dynamic with someone, it some point in their life.

;-)

Doomed: A History Lesson

2008-09-27T10:07:00.000-05:00

*Listening To*
"It's All Over but the Crying (Remix)" by. Garbage

I've always know this, deep down, but now I actually have conformation. I'm 22yrs, and I've never dated anyone, never been in a relationship, never had boyfriend, and I've never really "talked" to a guy for more than week. And, I've come to realize that things are going this way for the rest of my life...22, 32, 42, 52, etc.

How did I come to realize this? Well, I've been thinking...which is basically a coin-toss of whether or not something good might come from it. Anyway, I've been thinking, marinating with my thoughts, and thinking of questions for my "research" into my family's past...and my future.

And what does it all come back to? Genetics.

While in thought, I started to trace things and put things together and connect the dots. I wanted to know why I can't seem to even develop healthy relationships much less be involved in one. So, I started with the small family that I do have left. So, there's my Nana (67), my Grandfather (65), my Uncle (47), and my Aunt (41).

As far as I know, Nana's only been in one big relationship...with the father of her children (grandpa)...who she divorced back in the 70s. And, there's been NOBODY else since then. Grandfather has had continuous whatevers with women who use him. Uncle is in his forties, has a career in charity work, and alone. And, Aunt (the fag hag) is also in her forties, man-less, and has never had a successful relationship.

After going through everyone's situation, I started to think: What about my Mother? Granted, she died when she was 35, but she was a lot different from everyone else in our family, and remember her dating or seeing someone when I was a kid. Which leads me to one of the most awkward and weirdest conversations I've ever had to have...I was forced to call Nana and ask her about my mom's (her daughter's) romantic life.

Here's how THAT went:

Ya ya ya...Blah blah blah...

Roc: "So, did my mom ever have any successful relationships?"

Nana: "What? Did you want to know if your mother ever had sexual relations?"

Sidebar: Oh god, kill me now. I did NOT ask you THAT grandma! Granted, I had just gotten off the subway, and there was a considerable amount of background noise on my end...but still, that whole exchange was just something that should never have happened!

Roc: "No! Did my mom ever have any SUCCESSFUL relationships?!"

Nana: "Oh!...SUCCESSFUL relationships."

Roc: "yeah....like dating or long-term relationships."

Nana: "Well, I don't think she really "dated" anyone. But, she "saw"
people."

Nana: "I guess her relationship with your father was successful...right?"

Roc: "Ummm NO! Not at all!"

Sidebar: Really Nana!? You consider THAT to be a "successful" relationship!? So, I guess my mom's only "real" relationship involved having an accident-kid with a guy who cheated on her and brought needless drama into her life, until she cut ties with him? Seriously!?! This is the kind of fucked up thinking doesn't surprise me at all.

Anyway, during our conversation, I realized that its all GENETIC. One of the main reasons why I left,a few years ago, was because I didn't want to end up like the rest of my family. But, I realize, now, that I'll never be happy with anyone. I'll never be able to have anything close to a "healthy" relationship with a guy, because its not in my DNA. And, even if I ever come close to having something "serious", with someone, I'm pretty sure I'll fuck things up somehow.

I guess Shirley Manson was right...Certain things DO turn ugly, when you think too hard.

;-)

Just A Few Things...9-10-2008

2008-09-10T10:15:00.001-05:00

I hate having to make that first physical move, with a guy...it makes me feel kind of slutty...or predatoryal, I guess? I just don't want to initiate something, and get shut down...I'd rather have it be the other way around.

Cosmo's have a way of making me, ummm, "frisky" I guess? One, and I become the worlds biggest flirt. A few, and I might think I'm Britney in the "Gimme More" video.

The fuckery known as Men: I hate men...who expect to get Oral (a blow job) without having to return the damn favor. I mean, you'll let me ride your face (which does NOTHING for me), but you won't suck my damn dick?...I can't be bothered!

;-)

Really??

2008-09-03T20:30:00.001-05:00

My Initial Reaction To This: "Oh, no ma'am!"

I was in the store, Saturday, picking up some things. And, what did I come across at the checkout counter?...THIS magazine!

Since when did Politicians, other than the President, become Celebrities?...Seriously!?

And, when did Tabloids decide to create fake drama between those in the political arena?

It must have been a slow news week in Hollywood.

;-)

8-29-2008

2008-08-29T10:30:00.001-05:00

I can't believe there's only four months left to the year. Where did all the time go?

In eight months, I've been out with only three guys, and had two "REAL" dates...which ALL failed to produce anything. I fell in love with, and got my heart broken by, someone who wouldn't even give me the time of day...who's now in a relationship with someone else.

The fall semester started this week, and, even though I'm taking a lighter class load, I'm already tired from all the "first week" running around shit.

I'm so glad that a three-day weekend is coming up.

;-)

8-13-2008

2008-08-14T09:00:00.000-05:00

I've felt like an emotional wreck for the past few weeks.

The past weekend just left me feeling a lot of things. I spent my past few Satuday nites at home, instead of going out to anything or meet anyone. I just don't have anyone to go anywhere with...but, I shouldn't let that stop me.

I'm no longer in "love" with Heartbreaker, after the past weekend. He can be kind of an asshole at times...but, I still, and will probably always, like him...Well, like the sweet guy he likes to hide from everyone. But, I also realized that there really can't be anything romantic for us...at least not for now. I'm over that whole deal. But, I'm cool with us being buddies or whatever. Its BEEN time for me to move on. And, I need to get back out there and go back to meeting new people and having new experiences.

On my ride home from work tonight, I listened to "Love Ridden" by Fiona Apple.

;-)

Is He..."Sponge-Worthy"?

2008-08-08T11:00:00.002-05:00

Recently, I've trying the whole "hookup" thing, for the first time...Without there being actual "sex" involved. And, yes, I realize that I'm somewhat having rebound issues from the whole Heartbreaker fiasco, seeing that I've never been into "hooking up" with random guys from online (nothing against those who enjoy it).

In season 7 episode 9 of Seinfeld, the character Elaine ran into quite the dilemma. Her main, and favorite, form of birth control was a Sponge product (I'll let you guys use your imaginations to figure out how this product is used). The problem was, the company that made this product was in the midst of discontinuing it. This leads Elaine, who looked all over the city in various Drug Store's with no avail, to buy the last CASE of Sponges from the only store she could find that still carried them. After this, she had to enact a sort of screening process for her sexual partners...To make sure they were "sponge-worthy". Because, lets face it, she had the LAST case of these things, which means that she couldn't just waste them anymore.

For myself, the case of Sponges represents my body, my time, and my sex. I guess, being celibate for going on three years, has taught me to really value my Sexual Self, and to only give my sex to people who are truly deserving of it. After all, not everyone gets to ride the sports car (Jaguar) known as Me. And, being Sponge worthy doesn't only apply to sexual partners. It also applies to potential boyfriends, significant others, etc.

Anyway, the main reason why things didn't go the sex route, in said hookup, is because I realized that the guy wasn't "sponge-worthy" (and, he wasn't Heartbreaker). Hell, he wasn't even really one of my "types". Don't get me wrong, he was actually a really cool and nice guy. But, I just couldn't envision us together...which kills the whole fantasy component of the hookup for me. And, when I asked if he had any Lube, he directed me to damn bottle of LOTION!...I just can't deal with a "grown" man who gives me that kind of fuckery. I mean, I don't even MASTURBATE with lotion.

I also realized, from this encounter, that their might actually need to be a "connection" or "spark" or "vibe" between me and a guy, in order for me to be sexual with a guy, and actually enjoy it. So, there goes the "meaningless sex" card...out of my deck and into the fire.

As for me, for a man to be considered sponge-worthy or boyfriend material, there's actually a small list of qualifications. The main one, being that I need to be able to "see" myself with the guy in question. If I can realistically "see" myself kissing, cuddling, etc, with said guy, then I could very well consider him being sponge-worthy.

Do we all have our own version of Elaine's "sponge-worthy" concept?

;-)

Oh Honey, We're All "Working" Girls.

2008-07-31T11:00:00.000-05:00

Lately, I've been referring to myself as a "working" girl. And, referring to guys who look at me, and like what they see, as potential "customers".

No, I'm not a hooker, escort, sex worker, or whatever name you might fancy. And, what I'm talking about has nothing to do with any monetary. But, I'm not only a Single Man...I'm a Single Person living in the damn city. And, recently, I've noticed (as a Single myself) that we (within the Single sub-culture) market or display ourselves, hoping to find that ultimate "customer" (boyfriend/girlfriend) who will like what they see and want to buy what we are selling.

Just think about it. Men, Women, Gay, or Straight, it doesn't matter. We all have been, or still are, Single, and on "display". Most Singles make sure they're extra "fly" before leaving the house. Men might don that special "smell-good" that drives the Men/Women wild. Women do the same thing. But, in a Woman's case, she might add those "fuck me" pumps, a mask of makeup, cute nails, etc.

We go out to bars, clubs, parties, even shopping, as walking spokesmodels showing off the merchandise known as...Ourselves.

For example, while grocery shopping, last week, I picked up a "customer". I was in the frozen foods section, this guy (who's not really my type) liked what he saw, and he decided to approach me. Basically, he liked what I was selling, and wanted to be a potential "customer".

Now, personally, when I'm out-n-about, I like to sell a kind of sex appeal...mainly because I'm somewhat of a tease, somewhat of a flirt, and I like validation from others. But, back to my point, as a Single I'm putting out that special Single "vibe" and displaying my merchandise, hoping that another Hot Single will want to buy what I'm selling. And, there's a Single out there hoping that I might want to buy what he's also selling.

There's a reason why its called being "on the market".

I'm sure you've seen it. Those who finally land that ultimate "customer" might stop caring a tab less about their appearance and giving off a certain vibe. This is because they no longer have to display themselves for potential "customers". They already have what they want, so, why over-advertise?

Also, Singles have to carry the weight of wearing two hats, so to speak. Both as the "working" person and as a potential "customer". We might be out there selling a product, but, we're also looking to buy that similar product of a fellow "working" person. Hell, why do you think Singles Parties were such a huge success not too long ago? And, don't even get me started on the whole Club Scene.

Do you have the "working" girl mentality?

Well, I know I do.

;-)

A Mid-Summer Night's Fuckery.

2008-07-17T10:30:00.001-05:00

***Listening To***
"Bathwater" by. No Doubt

This past weekend was certainly a memorable one, to say the least. Its not every Saturday night that I get my heart semi-broken, by the first guy that I've ever had feelings for. This is also the same guy that could have seen myself falling in love with and having a great relationship with, in the future. Here's the kicker; A part of me hasn't threw that little ball of hope out the window yet.

Let me explain...

I met this guy a few weeks ago....Lets call him "Heartbreaker". We talked for a little bit, and then we went out on a really special date...or, so I thought, seeing that it was his birthday and all. Our first date was actually the best I've had so far. We went to dinner at a nice restaurant. We had a fabulously romantic little stroll downtown, complete with lots of PDA (as you know, I LOVE being romantic). All the while, our chemistry was mixing so easily...as if we were sort of meant for each other. In fact, Heartbreaker is the total package. He's everything that I look for in a man. He's sweet, honest (I like that he doesn't sugar-coat everything), smart, charismatic, relationship oriented (so I thought) and, it doesn't hurt that he happens to be quite the looker. All of those qualities are the things that make him sexy to me. Hell, over dinner he talked about how he wants to start a family and start having kids when he's in his thirties.

Sidebar: Heartbreaker recently got out of a two-year relationship with someone who he was planning a wedding with...that was until he found out that his supposed future husband was CHEATING on him.

Anyway, we ended up back at his place, where we hung out, talked, drank, played with & walked his doggy (he's such a good father and they are too cute together), made out passionately (don't get me started on how much I loved kissing him & how I've never experienced that kind of passion JUST by kissing before), cuddled, had some foreplay, and fell asleep in each others arms. It all felt so perfect and natural...Even down to his doggy climbing into bed with us while we slept.

Waking up with Heartbreaker felt so...right. I could actually see us dating and, down the line, moving into the long-term relationship zone. Of course, everything isn't all perfect, and I would have to get use to. Like, the fact that in Chicago's small Black Gay community, a lot of people know who he is...either from his two jobs or from him being in the Ballroom scene. He's also what I would call a "Club Queen" (meaning, he clubs a lot). And, he's somewhat of a party boy. These are all things that I'm ok with, seeing that they are just a part of who he is. Another thing I thought was "cute" about us is that he's such a social butterfly...which I'm so not. I thought it would be one those cute little dynamics we could have in a relationship.

Also, after we awoke, we had a little making-out and mutual masturbation "session" (as he later calls it) before we left his place. Which was one of the most passionate thing I've experienced.

A part of me thought (and might still think) that he could possibly be the Willow to my Tara.

So, after our fantabulus date, for the past weeks, I've been trying to arrange a second date...Which hasn't been easy, seeing that our work schedules conflict. Well, this past Saturday, we were finally able to meet up after he got off work. Which was great, seeing that I was looking to get "fucked-up" and have fun that night.

I came off the subway, in Boystown, to be greeted by Heartbreaker, his doggy, and two of his friends...One of which, come to find out later, is ALSO trying to date Heartbreaker. The way he greeted me was a little odd. It wasn't the way one greets someone who they're "dating". It just a cute little friendly hug. After which, he introduced me to his two friends.

Once we got our drinks together, we walked around and just hung out. While we were walking around, someone who knows Heartbreaker made a nice little comment about him "cruising" with his doggy. Which made me comment. Which lead him to say..."I still consider myself to be single." This wasn't a problem for me, since I only considered us to be dating.

Cut to us, 20mins later, walking around together, me making the romantic gester of holding Heartbreakers' hand, one of the "friends" who was with us breaking our connection and getting into Heartbreakers' face, and me wondering WTF. While this little situation is cooling, he explains to me that the "friend" who nearly chewed his face off ALSO likes him and is ALSO trying to date him. (I know...its madd shady, right?). He then informs me that he's ONLY wants to have friends right now.

Fast forward to 4AM-ish, where Heartbreaker and I (drunk off our asses) are standing by one of his friends' car, talking bout "us", our huge attraction to each other, why we like each other, how sexy he thinks I am, me explaining how I'm into him because of what he has "up stairs" instead of what's in his pants, and the issues or technicalities that might stand in our way. His main point was that we are physically, emotionally, and intellectually perfect for each other. But, sexually, there might be a problem. We might end up having to wrestle for the "Top" position, since he can't be, and I might not be able to be, as versatile as one might need the other to be. And, he didn't want to lead me on to believe that he could be on the "receiving" end, as much as I might need him to be.

I hate technical difficulties! And, I might be new to all this man-2-man dating/relationship shit, but I don't care about all that "technical" bullshit. I'm open-minded enough to at least see that there's a possibility that we can compromise and just iron-out this "technical" shit as we go along. Am I being to head-strong?

He also made the argument that, since our energy together is so good (other than the"technicality), we might be great as friends. But, how can I JUST be friends with someone who I can imagine waking up next to and looking into their eyes and finding solace in their lips?

We came to the conclusion that we need to sit down one day, when weer both sober, and figure things out. After this, Heartbreaker walked me to the train, hugged me, I got on, and rode home...Eyes full of water, puffy, and fighting back tears.

It makes sense, that, when I finally find someone who I could actually see myself building something with, something gets in the way.

Is there any cure for the Love-Lorn?

;-)

Best 4th Of July By Far

2008-07-09T22:30:00.002-05:00

During the time of my most recent journal entry, I didn't really feel like being around anyone, talking to anyone, or being very "friendly" at all. Then, someone by the name of Adam B. Irby came to town with his friends and me just what I needed to lift my sprits.

Being from Jersey-2-Cleveland-2-Chicago, it was quite refreshing to have some New Yorkers around. What was even more refreshing was the fact they were such a great group of guys. They were so welcoming and fun and just cool to be around. They really made me feel like one of the "sisters" (LOL)...and the fun I had with them was the most I've had in such a long time. I just wish I would've had the chance to thank them before they left.

I also wish I had a group of friends like that, of my own, here in The Windy City.

By the way, Adam is one of the coolest guys I've ever met. And, I'm not just saying that because he was who inspired my own blog...or, because, in his words, he "birthed" me (LOL). He's the type of person that I could really see myself being all BFF with.

;-)

7-2-2008

2008-07-02T09:00:00.000-05:00

For the time being, "friends" are out, and "associates" are in.

A so-called "friend" let me down the other day. Since I've never been to a Gay Pride before, I took my ass all the up to the damn North Side (an area I'm not familiar with) to meet-up with so-called "friend" for some Gay Pride festivities. When I got all the way up there, I called him numerous times for directions to their location, he didn't answer, so I took my ass back on the train, went home, and ordered a pizza.

I got on the train, leaving the North Side, feeling like a total fool. And, hopping on a train full of Gays sporting their smiles and multi-colored beads and significant others and various other Pride goodies didn't help my mood at all. Mid-way through my solom commute back home, the so-called "friend" calls me back and gives me a semi valid excuse as to why he didn't answer when I called earlier. I didn't give a fuck about his excuse. Excuses only make me angrier...no matter how valid or reasonable they are. All I know is that I want what I want...And, if I can't have it, I don't want ANYTHING at all.

In the middle of this call, I'm outside, and a fucking mini rainstorm starts...and, I'm umbrella-less, wearing shorts with no socks, and short sleeves.

So. I'm already PISSED for many reasons.

1. PISSED because I took my ass all the way to the North Side, only to be screwed-over and let-down

2. PISSED because I feel like such a fucking fool.

3. PISSED because, now, I'm soaking wet.

Then, still on the phone, "friend" hits me with this Zen shit about "taking initiative"...Oh no he didn't just try that flip-the-fucking-script shit? Well. THAT was all I needed for me to POP OFF and let him have it before his phone went out or before he hung up on me or whatever-the-fuck.

Anyway, I hit so-called "friend" up on Tuesday with a txt, asking if he was going to apologize to me. And, he said that he wasn't going to. Which means, that he's OUT...I'm done with him now.

I'm mad because I allowed myself to feel some kinda way about this whole situation...I'm getting too soft.

I have to remember and expect that people will always screw me over or let me down or disappoint me...and, THAT'S why I have to keep them at arms length.

I need to be in CONTROL...either things get done MY way, or whoever's tagging along can just get left behind.

I realized long ago that, in "friendships", I hold people to much higher expectations and standards than I myself expect to be held to...it is what it is. Should I work on that?...whatever!

Diamonds Are Forever.

;-)

6-24-2008

2008-06-24T23:15:00.000-05:00

Information can be useful/helpful...It can also bite one in the ass, and have one wishing that he could erase what he's just learned...Not because its bad, but, because its information that should be learned gradually rather than in one large dose.

I guess, to me, information can almost like a drug...Once I've had a taste, I want more...

Will I ever stop digging?......Nah, I'm such a junkie! Pretending to be anything other would be quite the charade.

;-)

6-15-2008

2008-06-16T03:45:00.000-05:00

I'm afraid.

I'm afraid that when I become a police officer I won't do as good a job
as I want to do...that I'll somehow lose faith in myself because I'll
realize that I can't make a difference in people's lives.

I'm afraid that I'll remain a slave to my current job...even AFTER I
have a diploma...just out of pure fear of change.

What if I'm wrong about what I'm supposed to be doing with my life?

What if, when I reach that Fork in the Road, I unknowingly choose the
wrong direction?

I have some thinking to do.

;-)

Embracing Your Inner Sexpot

2008-06-04T02:00:00.001-05:00

*Listening To*
Get Naked ( I Got A Plan) by. Britney Spears

So, I guess I took a page out of Samantha Jones' book, and had an impromptu Afternoon Delight the other day....with a guy I've only known for all of two hours. He's a classmate of mine, he's a hottie, and, he's extremely in the closet.

Anyway, we talked after class, hung out for a little bit, and then...we ended up at my house! This kind of thing NEVER happens to me. In fact, I consider myself to be quite the prude. But, Classmate is oh-so smooth with his personality, and, all-of-a-sudden we were messing around in my bed.

By "messing around", I mean we just made-out, had a little 69 action, and masturbated together. It was...interesting, to say the least.

I wouldn't have anything romantic to do with him, and, don't get me wrong, he's a nice attractive guy, but, he has this whole "on tha low" mentality which I cant be bothered with. I need to be with someone who's NOT afraid to go on a date in public, walk in the park, and all the other things that happy gay couples do together without giving a fuck, because its 2008...dammit!

I can't date a guy who feels the need to say: "This stays between us, right?" I mean, what the fuck? Who the hell are YOU?...Usher? I can't be bothered with such fuckery.

Anyhow, I left this experience feeling a kind of liberation at the fact that I even had the "professionally" or confidence to conduct a sexual liaison without there being feelings attached. I used to feel some kind of way about people who did "hook-up's" or "jump-off's". But, now, my outlook has shifted. There's nothing wrong with two grown consenting adults having a little SAFE "fun" together.

Which leads me to my point. I think its quite healthy for everyone, men and women, to every now and then, release and embrace that inner sex-kitten or sex-pot or slut or whatever you feel comfortable calling it, in a SAFE manner. Even those in relationships can practice this with their partner. I guess, for the couples, it would be the equivalent of pulling out that Freakum Dress or pulling that Freakum Card for their lover.

All of that being said, embracing or exploring this other side of one's self doesn't always have to involve anything sexual. Its different for everyone. For some, it could mean being somewhat of a Flirt or throwing all of one's rules out of the window and getting so-n-so's number. For others, it could mean installing a pole in the bedroom and surprising that special someone with the VIP Room treatment.

To each, his own...

;-)

6-3-2008

2008-06-03T10:00:00.001-05:00

I haven't written anything in a while. For the past couple weeks, I've been so busy with moving into this new place and running here-&-there to get this-&-that...and still working at night.

I LOVE this new area! Its metropolitan, multicultural, and, there's Take-Out places and date spots galore!! I'm staying in this borough forever...the next best area would be the Loop or downtown.

Anyway, Shorty, the guy I had that great date with, almost a month ago, isn't on my radar anymore...we weren't meant to work. He's a GREAT guy, but...We hadn't even gone on a second date yet, and he was ALREADY making more apologies, for plains that fell through, then I could count. It is what it is.

Its like the saying goes: "When one door closes, another door opens."

;-)

Where The Hell Am I?

2008-05-20T05:30:00.000-05:00

***Listening To***
Just Fine by. Mary J. Blige

It feels like, a few months ago, I just went to sleep one night and woke up in some alternate world. Like when Catwoman took her little trip the the Hell Planet...The world is the same, but with subtle differences in MY life. (I'm such a Comic geek!)

I say this because, for some time now, everything has been going extremely smoothly and NORMAL in my life...Suspiciously smooth. Which hasn't been the case in quite a while.

School has been going really well...I don't owe them any money now...I've been able to register for both Summer and Fall classes ALREADY...I'm moving off campus to avoid those outrageous housing fees.

Everything with my first apartment is going great so far...I'm really looking forward to having my own place.

And, as far as I can see, things are going to smooth in the foreseeable future also.

And, as self-sufficient as I am, a part of wants to say that the only thing missing is...a good man.

All of that being said, subconsciously, I'm waiting for that proverbial Other Shoe to drop.

But, I'm not stupid, so I'm going to enjoy the Wins where I can get them...for as long as they last.

;-)

Huh...Interesting.

2008-05-10T05:13:00.000-05:00

So, today I finally got the KEY to my new apartment...YAY! I don't actually "move in" for a couple weeks, but, this gives the the opportunity to buy things from Whatever Store and take them straight to the new place. Instead of lugging everything to the dorm and then from the dorm to the apartment.

Interesting development:

I found out that a guy I talked to for a hot second, back in March, is actually living in my new building. How do I know this? Because we crossed paths today...in the building's lobby!

Since we only hung out ONCE, I'm assuming he doesn't remember who I am....which is fine and dandy.

Why did we only hang out ONCE? Because of his damn attitude! He's sexy as fuck, but, that damn attitude that he likes to don is NOT cute...He actually has some "Candy Girl" ways about him (thanks for the term, Derrick)....Which I'm not into.

(Would've been nice if he'd waited a few dates BEFORE he showed me his "other" side. LOL!)

So, here's the rundown on what happened with WCG (Wannabe Candy Girl)...We met online. We talked on the phone and had a nice chemistry. We set up a little date-hangout thing. We were hanging out at his temporary place, and having a nice little time, until...He threw a damn TANTRUM! Well, not really a "tantrum" parse. More like a fucking Bitch-Fit. Why? Because his cable reception was acting up, and he couldn't watch the stupid Making The Band finale and see his precious Danity Kane perform.

Me, being the cool-headed guy that I am, mearly suggested that he could watch it online the next day or catch the 20 repeats on MTV. After that, he THREW ME OUT! What a terrible hostess!

So, on my way home, via txt, he tells me he's "sorry". And, I let him have it...I was pissed! I did a little "future math" and figured that his Bitch-Fit was only a taste of what to expect if I were to ever become involved with this guy. And, I'm too laid-back and cute to be always dealing with someone who has Drama DeJour. So, I left his ass alone, chalked it up as experience, and moved on.

If we cross paths again (which I'm sure we will)? I'll keep it cute and professional.

Anyhow, living situation aside, last weekend I went out on my first REAL date with a really great guy. It was romantic, there was chemistry, there was some PDA, and, it was just a great time.

;-)

Note To The Universe #1

2008-05-01T05:02:00.000-05:00

Uh uh!

My name is NOT Captain Save-A-Hoe!...Nor, will it EVER be!

Child, please!...Playing Captain Save-A-Hoe is exactly how innocent people get mixed up in all kinds of negative shit!

If there's a way where I can get paid handsomely for this service, like being a Public Relations Rep for a celebrity, then, maybe.

Otherwise?...Uh uh!

Keep those who are in need of Captain Save-A-Hoe far far far away from me!

Thank You.

;-)

Between Year 21 & Year 22, I've Come Closer To Becoming My Authentic Self

2008-04-29T05:19:00.001-05:00

*Listening To*
"Part Of Me" by. En Vouge
"Mobile" by. Avril Lavigne
"Purple Rain" by. Prince

So, one month from this date...On May 29th...I officially turn 22.

I say "officially" because I consider myself to be older, ever year at New Years, when the clock hits midnight. I don't really do anything different on my Birthday...its just another day. I mean, after my mom died, the day just lost all its "pzazz". Considering she was ALWAYS the one who made such a big deal out of the day.

And, I'm always alone on my birthday...even before I ran away from Cleveland, after high school, and moved to Chicago. And, now, there's absolutely NO ONE around to make anything of it.

There's just no reason to celebrate...So, I just forget about it like its any other day.

Anyhow, I was at work, one night last week, just thinking. And, then it hit me...I'm more outspoken then I used to be! I'm not all shy about opening my damn mouth about a lot of things anymore. I'm not afraid to look people square in the eyes and tell them what I think. I'm becoming more and more "comfortable" and confident with...ME! Does that even make sense?

Don't get me wrong, I'm still the same ole quiet Me...A man of few words. THAT is one of the things that will NEVER change...Its one of the things that make me...ME!

That being said, I'm definitely NOT as passive (let shit slide, lay down and take whatever) as I used to be.

I guess its called...Growing?

;-)

My Thoughts On...Steve Wilkos

2008-04-22T05:28:00.000-05:00

I've been catching his little "show" on and off for a while now. Its basic premise is...Steve spending an hour yelling at guests for various reasons. Maybe they're just plan morally reprehensible, or they've wronged someone else (who come to the show for "help" or
"vindication").

Bitch please! Its all too obvious what this Ego Trip Circus is really about.

Its a personal Ego-Feeder for good ole Stevie. What is an Ego-Feeder? Yes, its a term I've made up. Its ANYTHING that we, as people, purposely do in order to feed our own Ego's. Some are good/innocent, others are bad. Prime examples?...Kids teasing each other for various reasons, adults talking about each other, women making catty comments, and, sometimes, Gay men "reading" each other (LOL).

Anyway, I can just imagine the producers of this show going through whatever process they go through to choose the most morally irreprehensible people for this guy to berate on national television....WITH NO RESOLUTION WHAT-SO-EVER!!

Don't get me wrong, SOMETIMES its really entertaining and funny to watch Mr. Wilkos basically "read" someone for pure filth.

Oh yes sir, I often wish I had my own show, where I could yell "I'm better than you!" at social miscreants, and boost my own Ego...I think everyone would love to just have there own version.

This show is in its first season, and its already tired. I give half of another season.

Side Note: I'm not defending any of the quest from this show. I'm just saying...This spectacle is about as "real" as Jerry Springer.

Funny thing is, if I'm around my TV at 2-whatever, I always found myself thinking/saying "Lets see who Steve is screaming at today." Then I wait or General Hospital to go to commercial and change the channel.

;-)

I Have To Pull Some Magic Outta My Ass To Turn A Sardine Can Into A Palace

2008-04-20T21:05:00.000-05:00

So, I've seen my soon-to-be new apartment, and it...will take some
getting used to. I love the building...the inside has a very old
fashion hotel-ish look, its in a cool area, and its CLEAN.

Ugh!...if only the walk-in closet, with shelves (or a shoe area, LOL), wasn't
bigger then the damn bathroom!

And the only "real" furniture I'll have is whatever bed I end up buying. But, all is not lost...I took a little trip to Target, and came up with some ideas for making my new home into MY home.

Another plus is that their are a ton of take-out places in the area (LOL)!

I'm definitely leaning toward getting this place.

;-)

A Lost Connection & A New Plain

2008-04-09T04:52:00.001-05:00

Playing: "Migrate (featuring T-Pain)" By. Mariah Carey

Ugh! My damn Internet connection was out ALL damn weekend...I came home from work Friday-night-Saturday-morning ready to relax with my snack and watch an episode of "Lost" online, when, to my chagrin, the damn Internet was off in the whole damn building. Meaning that I couldn't post anything all weekend.

Luckily, the weekend wasn't a complete lost.

Just a few things:

I went out Saturday night and had a nice time.

I've started looking for an apartment online, and found a place for $500 a month utilities included in the rent....Hopefully, I won't have to go all "Ty Posington" and a dump into a palace...Granted, I haven't SEEN it yet. But, that being said, I hope to in my new place on my birthday (May 29th).

Since my class is canceled, this coming Friday, I've decided to go on another job interview...At a new bar downtown.

I've decided that, since I want to take the exam for the Police Department later this summer, I'm going to try to a summer course that'll help me with it.

;-)

The Two That Got Away...More Like The Two I Pushed Away

2008-03-26T05:10:00.001-05:00

Lately, I've been thinking about just how internally fucked-up I am. How I have NO friends to pick me up when I'm "down" or to just talk to. And, for a while now, I've also been thinking about the two best friends of mine that I pushed out of my life 2-years ago. It wasn't because they were a negative influence-in fact, they were quite the opposite. Bottom line, I forced them out of my life to protect, not only them, but, myself as well.

Back Story: "Jay" and I meet online during the Summer before my freshmen year. We chatted for a while, started talking on the phone, and instantly became friends. He lives, and goes to school, down south. But, he's from Chicago, still has family here, and visits from time to time. "P" is "Jay's" best friend, who actually still lives in Chicago, but, goes to school in down-state IL. "P" and I got introduced to each other through "Jay" and became instant friends also. And, since we were close in closer proximity, we were able to hangout.

Here's how it went:

-Our friendship progressed, "J" and "P" wanted to become closer then I
allow ANYONE to be to me (which, for normal people, isn't a big deal).

-I started to become attached to them...Which is a HUGE no no, for me.

-"J" got angry at me for not trusting them enough to take-down my "wall".

-I got angry at him for not understanding that I am who I am.

-We stopped talking. I then got angry with "P" for siding with "J", and stopped
talking to his incredibly nice ass also.

And, their it was...My way out of committing to them and opening myself up. Funny thing is, I was also angry at and jealous of "J" because, at the time, he was in a sickeningly happy relationship with his boyfriend. And, at the time, I was in the same man-less place that I'm in now. And, deep down, I'm a selfish bastard who thinks that if I can't be happy, I don't want anyone else to be.

Anyway, I stopped talking to my ex best friends until I quit missing them. Besides, after a certain period of time went by, I figured it was too late to fix things. And, I was sure that we had all moved on with our lives.

I've grown a lot since then. And, I've always wondering how they were doing.

All of that being said, since I can't leave well enough alone, I hit them up on Facebook a couple months ago. "P" added me as a "friend", but wont return my emails. "J", on the other hand, didn't give me anything back.

I guess some things are just meant to stay broken...Friendships, People
(Myself), etc.

;-)

I'm Making This Week As Productive As I Can...Dammit!

2008-03-19T03:48:00.001-05:00

So, this week, I'm on spring break. I need to take advantage of the time I have, to take care of a few things I've been meaning to get done...As well as getting a little rest.

I've already taken care of my taxes, for the first time, on Monday (Yay me!). I want to go on some interviews this week and look at some jobs. And, since I actually want to take time to enjoy this small ass break, I'm taking off from work Thurs and Fri (LOL!).

I hope things go well.

;-)

Shame On Me...For Not "Trying" At My Full Potential?

2008-03-18T05:12:00.001-05:00

So, when people ask me about my grades and how I'm doing in school, EVERYONE, for some reason, is shocked by how average I do (Ugh! That grammer did not sound cute). People are always assuming that, since I'm quite and keep to myself, that I MUST be sooo smart....From their lips to my ears.

Maybe I don't see what everyone else seems to see yet? Not too long ago, I used to be very Hermione-ish. I used to make sure that I was on top of everything before I actually had to be. I would start on papers the first week on class...when they were actually due much later on. I used to lay in bed with my overpriced text books and read/hi-lite the info we might go over in class.

But, all of that being said, at that time, I was a job-less full-time student with nothing else on my radar. I realized that being a student didn't pay the bills or buy me new cloths or help me with a lot of the things that I wanted to do. In other words, I realized that it was time for my grown ass to get a damn J-O-B and start making money, so that I could have financial freedom and stability.

The thing is, now that I'm working and making other plains, my focus is split, and my priorities have shifted...due to my situation of being an ADULT who NEEDS to make a steady income to SURVIVE. I mean, fuck!...I don't have parents who send me cash, or receive financial-aid like everyone else. And, come on, I work all night til 4am 5-days a week! I'm tired a lot!

Anyway, somewhere down the road, I stopped applying myself...and, I think that should change before I get into a pattern of doing this with everything else. Yeah, my work sitch is going to stay the same, and hopefully I'll have second job soon. But, maybe I should start going at my full potential? What if my full potential isn't enough for a lot of things that I want to do with my life?

Ugh! Whatever! I'll at least give it a try...I guess it cant hurt.

;-)

Something New...A Change IS Coming

2008-03-10T03:43:00.000-05:00

I've had this on my mind for about a week now. But, I didn't really know where I wanted to go with it, or how I wanted it to come off. So, just like the B&J Ice Cream, this new addition is going to have everything but the kitchen sink.

So, here it is...I'm adding a "My Thoughts On..." section to the blog/journal.

This is where I'll just rant about various thing I might feel like ranting about (LOL). Sometimes it'll be about current events, random thoughts, or whatever "grinds my gears".

Some posts will be organized...Some/most will not. Some might be long...Some might be short. Some might even be on video, later on.

Like I said, everything but the kitchen sink.

Now, let me take my ass to bed!...Because it's 3:40am, and I got class in the afternoon! LMAO!!

;-)

These Things Happen ONLY To ME...aka The Universe Is The One Hell Of A Bitch!

2008-03-04T05:54:00.000-06:00

***Listening To***
"Paper Bag" By. Fiona Apple

Once again, someone else has something that I want! Its ONLY Monday and I'm ALREADY getting screwed this week!

So, get into this, I met this HOTT guy on the subway, on Friday, on my way home from downtown. We exchanged glances, and I noticed the gear he had with him...Photography gear. I thought it was kinda cool he was into Photography, so I started a conversation with him about his hobby, when we got off at our stop. Oh yeah, before all this, I first noticed that he was a fellow Gay.

Anyhow, we talked for second and exchanged numbers before we got on our separate buses(more like I asked for his number, and he gave it up). As it turns out, he's actually a fashion photographer, and its been his passion for about 3-years, and also he's in college studying his passion . So, lets call him "Nikon".

Nikon and I texted a little on Friday-just small-talk ish, and over the weekend. Since he had shoots all weekend, there wasn't really any chance of talking much less getting to meet up.

That being said, we had THIS nice little text-chat tonight, before I went to work:

Me: "Yo! Wassup?"

Nikon: "Workin Out"

Me: "Awww. How was ur day?"

Nikon: "A lil slow."

Me: "What r u doin this weekend?"

Nikon: "Shooting as always."

Me: "Well, if ur done early enough on saturday and if I dont have 2 work, I was wondering if you wanted 2 go out."

Nikon: "Out? Out where?"

Me: "I dunno...its only monday! LOL! Get something to eat, hangout, etc..."

Nikon: "Like a date?"

Me: "Yes...like a date or whatever."

Nikon: "Lol...Thanks but I'm engaged...I shouldnt be goin on dates."

Side Bar: WHAT THE FUCK!?!?

Me: "Really? 4 how long?"

Nikon: "Not very long..."

Nikon: "I'm kiddin but I am with some 1."

And, there you go. Someone with all the qualities that I look for in a man, including the fact that he's gay, happens to be someone else's property. It would much easier if I could say he led me on...But, he didn't. I knew it was only a matter of time before the Universe found a way to screw me once again. But, it is what it is...I'll never have a boyfriend or a healthy relationship...And that's fine. By the time I'm older (40-ish), gays will be getting married all over the place...And, I'll have my career, my cats, and my ice-cream. Assuming that I don't become desperate enough to throw my "standards" out the window and start hopping on everything, with two legs and a dick, that gives me the slightest attention.

It is what it is...

By the way, there should be some kind of "ID" system for the Gays. Like a bracelet or a ring or something, that's color-coded, in order to figure out if someone is either Single or Taken or in an Open Relationship or whatever-the-fuck. Just a damn thought!!!

;-)

Excuses Are For Lazy People...And I've Been Making A Few Of Them Lately.

2008-02-29T04:17:00.002-06:00

***Listening To***
"Push It" By. Garbage

"I'm too tired." "I don't have time." "I'm at work all night." "Ugh!...I'll do it later/tomorrow." "The weekend is ONLY two days...I need to rest!"

Yes! These are a few of the excuses that I tell myself when it comes to school work, writing my comic, going to the gym, revising my resume, looking for a bartending gig, and a couple other things.

Here's a cute little example: Three or so weeks ago, I got in from work Friday-night-Saturday-morning (4am friday nite), did my laundry, said I'd put my cloths up later on, and went to bed at 7-8am. A couple weeks later?...I'm picking my socks and underwear out of the blue laundry-bag
I put them in, after they dried. LMAO!!! And, now, that bag is about to be empty! Its a lazy mess!

That being said, for the past week I've been on this "kick" of getting off my ass and getting things done. Hell, yesterday (Thurs) I got off my ass and decided to get back into the habit of working out. This weekend, I'm going to shine-up my resume and start writing SOMETHING for my novel/comic.

By the way, I realized that the whole "I don't have time" shtick is a little bit of bullshit, depending on the situation. If something is really important and a priority, one has to MAKE time for it.

;-)

Living vs. Exsiting

2008-02-25T18:32:00.000-06:00

As I've said before, I don't really consider myself to be "fun" or interesting. I'm a boring guy, with stupid/boring interests, who has nothing to bring to the table in a relationship, and who's passionate about nothing. Come on, lets face it, NOBODY wants to be in a sex-less relationship with a boring person...Its just a fact. I need to live in the reality that, if I find myself involved with someone (which I doubt will EVER happen.), it'll be over before it starts...Assuming I'm honest and upfront from the beginning.

Anyway, I was thinking...I'm not exactly "living". I'm more like existing. I guess it comes from the way I dealt with my mother's death and growing up fast, when I was younger. I spent my teen years just going to school and coming home and not really doing the whole "social" thing, that most kids my age were doing. Senior year came around, and work was added to the mix. One of the reasons why I left home, after high school, was so that I could be on my own and live my own life, without being bothered with my family. In other words, I wanted to be free to live my own life, on my terms...And, I am.

I guess, what I'm wondering is...Now that I'm an adult, how do I become someone who enjoys life, instead of just existing in it?

;-)

The Perfect Cocktail: Shopping, Ice Cream, & Some Down-Time

2008-02-19T04:11:00.003-06:00

Fresh of the heels of Saturday night's disappointment, I decided that I WAS NOT going to stay in bed, all day Sunday, pitying myself and eating (LOL). So, I got off my ass, got showered, dressed, and decided that I was going to run to Blockbuster and have my own movie-nite. By the way, I originally had plains with "You-Know-Who", but, the bastard canceled on me AGAIN!...For the LAST time! I'll get to that some other time.

Anyway, I needed to do some thinking and cool off, so, I decided to take a nice little train ride to a Blockbuster downtown...Instead on the one down the street (LOL). Besides, it was kind of nice outside. When I got downtown, I took a little detour into Forever 21, caught a sale, and left with a new hoodie which was about 55% off (it was $35...and I got it for $13!!! Yay me!!). THAT feat alone was enough to lift my spirit!

I picked up a couple flicks, headed home, and had a nice night...Especially since I didn't have class the next day.

;-)

$5 + 2 Drinks = A Bitter Man-less Rocafella

2008-02-17T04:16:00.003-06:00

***Listening To***

Well, my ego got a serious blow to it, tonight. Earlier, I went out, to a club, partly to just get out of the house and partly to find a new guy to replace “Cool”. Don't get me wrong, we're still talking, but things are moving way too fucking slow for me! He's lack-luster, boring, doesn't give me the attention/validation that I need, and, bottom line, I need to make sure I have a “spare” before I officially put an end to this Pre-School make-believe shit.

Anyway, I go to the Gay club, for the second time...And its a completely OPPOSITE experience than it was the first time that I went. It was madd boring. Since I don't dance and since I'm not really a “social” person, I just stood around listening to the music, looking at the crowd, and sipping my drinks. All the while, not ONE SINGLE man hit on me!! I mean, DAMN!...I looked damn hott! And still, no dice! I figured that I might have a better time if I had another drink, to loosen up a bit. LOL, yeah I was “buzzed”...yet pissed and lonely. I also noticed that almost EVERYONE was there with they're friends/buddies...Which I DONT have! Hell, there were even a couple (man & woman), who asked me if I were having a good time, when I sat down.

Since I'm not exactly a “fun” kind of person, do I give-off a certain “serious” vibe?

Maybe I just need to face the facts, and realize that the universe is trying to tell me something:

1. For the FIRST TIME, I come out of my shell and actively pursue a guy...And it turns out to be a disaster!

2. I cant someone new...Even at a GAY bar!

3. I was MUCH better off NOT dealing with men and I should go back to the way that things were.

Yeah, if things don't turn around soon, I'm done...AGAIN!

;-)

Wanting Whats Behind That Yellow Tape...

2008-02-12T05:08:00.001-06:00

First off, thank you all sooo much for being pateint with me. I usually type these entries on my Sidekick, on my way home from work, email them to "Blogger", and do a quick edit when I get home. But, for the past week, I've been taking on more responsibilities at work, and have been too dog-tired when I get home to even make my posts or comment on your pages (eventhough I've read them). Luckly, things are back in swing, and I'll be back on here on the regular.

*******
I promise, this won't be long...LOL!

So, I've been thinking...Does something, or someone, become much more
attractive once we've realized that we can't actually "have" it? Or,
better yet, if there's a great challenege to "have" it?

For example, I tend to develop crushes on Streight men. And, YES, already I know its totally pointless and retarded. But, as of late, I've developed a "thing" for a new buddy of mine. He's Streight, I'm quite sure (PLEASE let him be atleast "Bi"!! LOL!). He goes to school with me, he's older, smart, and SEXY-AS-FUCK! And, personality wise, he's the complete opposite of "Cool". I could actually see myself dating his ass

Anyway, I was just wondering...Do I just like him so much because having anything romantic, with him, is so intangible?

;-)

Seriously? This Is One Wave I Might Stop Riding!

2008-02-05T04:13:00.000-06:00

***Listening To***

So, I've been thinking/maranating on something. Which, by the way, is NOT always a good thing, in my case. I have the slight tendacy to over-think certain things (LOL).

Anyway, I've been thinking about whatever it is that's going on between myself and "Cool", and wheather or not I can keep going on with him. Let the Theripy Session begin!

Here's what's on my mind:

1. Our lil' first "date" or whatever was nice. Just that...NICE! Or, more like alright! NOT great! NOT magical! NOT romantic!...NICE!! I always assumed that my first date, with a guy, whould be A LOT MORE!!

2. There's no "zsa zsa zsu" between us. Things are just...REGULAR!! He doesn't look at me the way I want him to (with seduction/lust in his eyes). We don't have that "thing" that people are supposed to have when they first start off.

3. Its obvious that things arnet "popping off" organically between us. And, I'll be damned if I develop the pattern of having to ALWAYS force shit, make plans happen, and make ALL the effort in a relationship that's one-sided!...I'm not THAT desperate to keep a man. Especially seeing that I'm used to being alone anyway.

4. "Cool" flaked on me this weekend. I wanted to spend some time together, on Saturday....He flaked on ME (oh HELL no!...I KNOW this child didn't just? Uh Uh!)! What kinda fuckery is he!?!

SideBar: Momz didn't raise her child to be lead around, by the nose, by ANYBODY...Like a damn puppy-dog! THAT'S another pattern I don't want to fall into. If ANYTHING, it gonna be the OTHER-WAY-AROUND (LOL)!

Here's two of my favorite quotes:

1. "There are many Fishes/Men in The Rainbow Sea."
-Rocafella07

... I just started realizing this about a month ago, when I actually decided
to open my eyes and notice what was going on around me (LOL).

2. "Why do I stress a man, when there's so many bigger things at hand?"
-Amy Winehouse

... THIS is soooo TRUE!! I have much bigger things to do, than to stress over some guy...Seriously!

;-)

Roca's First Date...How Cute

2008-01-29T04:13:00.001-06:00

***Listening To***

Well, like I had planned in the last post, I went out with "Cool" over
the weekend...And, it wasn't as hard, or weird, as I hyped my first date
EVER to be.

We went out, this past Saturday, to the movies to see "Cloverfield" (which, by the way, is a really good flick...the ending was interesting, yet sucked. LOL.). It was a cute experience. The last time I'd gone to the movies with someone was ages ago, in high school...With some chick I
was BFF with, to see a "Harry Potter" movie (LOL).

Anyway, after the movie we got back on the train, and ended up back at his place. I didn't actually "plain" this part...I just got off, at his stop, with him, because I wanted to at least be a gentleman and walk him home. Either way, he invited me in, introduced me to his 15yo lil' sis (who I just LOVE), and took me to his room. Where we chilled, watched a couple movies, talked, and clowned for a few hours. Then, I left.

The only bad thing, to me, was that he didn't even try to make a damn move, on me, while we were sitting on his BED chilling. I even had to put on my "seducer" hat and say: "You don't have to be afraid to touch me, you know."

Anyway, when we talked, the next night, I asked him straight-up why he didn't try ANYTHING. As it turns out, he was waiting for ME to make the proverbial First Move...While I was waiting for HIM to make the First Move. What kind of Fuckery is THIS?!?! LOL, I guess, next time, I gotta just pounce on his ass like a damn lion on a fucking gazelle.

So, I guess I'm actually "seeing" someone now....interesting.

PS. Don't get it twisted...I'm not stupid enough to think weer in any kind of a relationship right now. And I'm defiantly going to keep my options open. I'm just saying...

;-)

A lil' Update

2008-01-23T04:12:00.000-06:00

So, I realize that after this post about the exchange between myself and "Cool", I left you guys kind of hanging.

Here's The Cliff Notes Version:

- "Cool" texted me the morning/noon-ish after (that Saturday).

- We texted back-and-forth, then briefly talked for a minute (we both had different plains that day).

Side Note: Remember how I (and some of you) had doubts as to whether or
not "Cool" was a fellow gay? Well, as it turns out, he's very much "Over The Rainbow" LMAO!

- That Sunday, he called, and we spent about four hours, laying in our
beds, talking and channel surfing (LOL). After that, we got off (the phone...get ya mind out the gutter. LOL).

Side Note: Have you ever had "dead-air" during a conversation, and had to FORCE shit to happen? Ugh! Its like pulling teeth from a damn horse!...Especially since I'm not the most talkative person.

- Later that same night, he called again, we talked for a couple more hours, and ended up watching an episode of "Cheaters" together (and had a BIG ass laugh) before going to bed.

- Ever since then, we mainly txt each other every day.

- We were supposed to go on a lil' date last weekend, but, it was too damn COLD to be trying to go out at night (try -7° and windy outside!).

-Because last weekend escaped us, we're going to play "hookie" from work, on Friday, and go out (I came up with THIS plan).

Hmmmmm I like these little Cliff Note posts...Maybe I'll do it more.

;-)

Wow! I Became a Bartender Before I Became a Cop

2008-01-22T04:13:00.000-06:00

***Listening To***

Get this widget

Track details

eSnips Social DNA

It finally happened today! I graduated from Bartending School, and I'm
now a certified Mixologist/Bartender...BAM!! I'm now starting a REAL
grown-up career, at 21.

I'm sooo proud of myself for this accomplishment, that now, when I look
at my certificate/diploma, I can't help but grin (LOL). Hell, for the
first couple hours, after I got it, my lil' ass couldn't stop cheesing'.
Sure, the people probably thought I was crazy of something...But, as
Tyra Banks says: "So What!" I'm gonna enjoy the "wins" that I earn,
dammit (LMAO)!

When think back on the past few weeks, the lack of sleep, the daily
commute, the hard work and practice, and the 16 cups of Dunkin' Donuts
Cappuccino I drank through my classes?...It was all worth it! If not for
the career move, than for the confidence boost. I feel
kinda...Different. And I like it. At least now I'll think a little before
I "pus-out" on something that might seem difficult. For example, trying
to become a P.I.

I can't wait to start working at somebodies club or bar or lounge.

;-)

So Apparently I'm One of Those "Active-Visual" Learners

2008-01-17T03:37:00.000-06:00

*** Listening To***

As it turns out, I'm one of those people who can learn (some)
things/skills by actually DOING them. As you know, I'm currently in
Bartending School. This is my third and last week, and surprisingly,
I'm actually doing quite well. I don't know how, but I can remember
various drinks, ingredients, how to mix things, etc. I'm thinking it has
a lot to do with the practice bars that we use, to perfect our craft.

I haven't exactly "studied" the drink recipes...And, there's a lot of
them (LOL)! Its more like I look at the recipe, go behind the bar, and
make it as many times as I need to, to "get" it down. Sometimes, I even
end up making my own variations on some of the things we've covered
(I'll be sharing those, with you, soon LOL). Once again, I have no idea
how, but with most of the drinks etc that the newbies have to learn, I
automatically know what goes in them.

Anyway, I graduate on Monday. After Monday, I'll be an official
certified Bartender. I'll have an actual "title". I didn't even see this
coming. I NEVER expected to become a Bartender or Mixologist before I
became a Cop. When I get my certificate, I definitely plain on laminating
and framing that bitch ASAP. And, I can already feel the subtile changes
that this accomplishment is making in my attitude, confidence, and my lil'
"swagger" (LOL).

Another thing can't wrap my head around, is that I'm going to be
starting an actual CAREER! Not another JOB or a GIG (even though I might
call it that sometimes)...But, an actual Professional CAREER!...Along
with the regular job I've had for the past year. I'm I ready? After all,
it is one of the things I wanted to work toward in 2008.

As you know, I consider myself to be somewhat of a "Jack of All Trades".
Have I really found one of the things that I could actually be GOOD, or
in time, GREAT at? I guess only time and experience will tell.

;-)

Call Damnit!

2008-01-12T04:22:00.001-06:00

Well, earlier tonight, It finally happened...I gave Mr. Cool my number,
when I got to work!

I saw him waiting outside for the bus, and didn't really know what to
do. And, since I can't leave shit alone, instead of just normally
playing "cool" and being shy, I said "fuck it", and went over to his
fine ass! (I actually planned to get to work early, for the sole purpose
of catching him, and giving him The Digits...I just didn't expect to see
him so soon, and I wouldn't have been able to face myself if passed up
this chance.)

Anyway, we said our "whuddups", "dapped", and one minute into our cute
little convo...I asked if he had his phone on him (LOL, I know right!)!!
He definitely knew what was up...because, as soon as he whipped out his
flat and slick lil' Sprint Blackberry PDA thingy, he went straight to the
"New Contact" screen (YESSIR!).

I fumbled around with his gadget while put my info in it, had a cute
little moment when I asked him for a lil editing help, and voila!...He
had my number (I wanted to put the "ball" in his court). We had a little
more lite convo, and before I left, to go in the job, I said "Hit me up
later, so I get your number." He nodded, I left, and I walked into work
with the biggest grin on my face. And, yea, I thought about him all
night long (LMAO!).

Ugh!...I just hope he actually his me with a call or text this weekend!
If he doesn't, he doesn't...If he does, he does...It is what it is. I'm
not gonna shamelessly chase after ANYONE...He knows how to reach me now.

Side note: - Cool introduced himself, to me, a couple nights ago...AFTER I INTRODUCED MYSELF FIRST! The next night, after we said our "whuddups" and got a lil' physical and parted ways, I happened to turn around to get a last look at his swagger, and caught him checking me out!

;-)

Constricting My Raging Boa...

2008-01-11T04:02:00.000-06:00

I've had it! Enough is enough is enough is enough! I'm making the
switch!

Allow me to direct your attention to something that needs directing
to...Controlling those damned "Boners", "Hard-on's", or whatever-the-fuck
kind of vernacular you like to use for your Erections, that just pop-up
at the MOST awkward and unneeded times. Like, when your at work (ugh!),
in class, on public transportation, at the club, etc...We all have
stories (LMAO). Ugh! And, don't you just hate when your wearing jeans,
and have to try to stand up and walk with that thing (if you point str8
out, that is)? And, don't even get me started on basket-ball/hoop/gym
shorts! Or khakis!

Anyway, I'm putting an end to this "pressing" "protruding" "hard" little
quark. This weekend, I'm doing an overhaul...On my drawz! I have mostly
Boxers, with a couple pairs of Boxer-Briefs in the mix. But, now, I'm
making the switch to ONLY snug-fitting Boxer-Briefs (awww the nutz are
gonna be so comfy & happy, LOL). Just gotta find the right "Big-Box" or
Department store where I can get drawz that are not only cute, yet say:
"manly & suave" (LOL).

;-)

Relationships....A Tricky Business

2008-01-09T03:45:00.000-06:00

So, lately, I've been thinking about a lot of things. One of them being
relationships, if its possible (for me) to sustain a long-term one, and
how they work.

Even though I've never been in one, I'm guessing that "relationships" are
unions formed by two people (or, in some cases more) who have feelings
for each other, and decide to put their two separate lives
together...THIS is much easier said than done.

They say "Birds of a feather flock together."

I guess what I'm asking is...Can a hawk (or person) who's flown solo for
soooo long, be easily joined with a fellow hawk (or person)?

Odd realization...I can be a little bit of a Flirt! (LOL)

;-)

Confession On A Dance Floor...My First Time At A Gay Club

2008-01-06T23:04:00.000-06:00

***Listening To***

Well, in lou of my New Years post, I decided ot to waste any time, and set out on my first "adventure" for 2008. Saturday night, I decided to attend a Gay club for the very first time. I already knew where I wanted to go...Spin Night-Club, on the Northside. Saturdays are hip-hop & reggae night. The club closes at 3am, so I hopped on the subway at 11:30, and set off to the North.

Since friday and saturday nights are huge party/club nights, in Chicago, the train was just as full as if it were still daytime. I wasn't the only one looking to get into something that night (LOL). I have to admit, I was a little nervous on my train ride, not knowing what to expect. But, when we arrived at my stop, I knew there was no turning back. From being in that area times before, I knew exactly where I was going. Hell, there was even a cute guy, who i saw on the train, walking in the same direction (LOL).

From outside the club, I could hear the booming sounds coming from the backroom's dance floor. When I walked in, the door guys were so cheery and cool while they checked my ID, took my $5 cover, and stamped my hand. When I got into the main building, I was taken by how "chill" everything looked. The first part of the club is just a lounge with a bar, flat-screen tv's playing various videos, and pool tables. What I loved the most was how diverse the crowd was. Men, women, blacks, whites, latinos, young, and older...All in our "gayety" (LOL)! I walked into the backroom/party area and stood by a wall to soak in the atmosphere. Immediately, I took notice of a really cute carmel guy to my right, who was standing with another guy. As I looked aroung, I saw men dancing and chating with other men, and women dancing and chating with other women...And then I thought "Wow! This is just...GREAT!".

The guy from earlier noticed that I glanced at him a couple times, and started talking to me. I figured out later that his questions were the "usual", in this kind of place..."Where's your boyfriend?", "How come you don't got one?", etc. It turned out that Carmel was actually a "cat-daddy" (LOL). It just just happened to be his...42nd birthday!! I would not have EVER thought 42! 30 maybe! I asked him how he looked so good, and he said: "I don't let nothin' stress me baby!...Not my mama, not my grown daughter...!" Yeah, he was mos def under the "influence" (LOL). All I could do was grin. He then started dancing by me when his song started playing. I also found out that we gays love to get all touchy-feely with each other, in certain atmospheres. When Carmel Cat-daddy saw that he wasn't getting anywhere with me, he went over to hit on another "youngin" (who was my age.).

I decided that if I stayed in the same place for too long, people might start think that me and Carmel Cat-daddy were an item. So, I went to the bar, got my cocktail, and stood in a defferent area to listen to the music, checkout some eye-candy, and watch the videos playing on the walls. I realized that I didn't have to be a "dancer" in order to have a nice time...For I wasn't the only one just choosing to stand around and enjoy the show. Sipping on my drink, I was geting a lil' tipsy (the bartender used 95% vodka and 5% 7-up, LOL). As it turns out, the other "youngin", that Cat-daddy hit on, was dragged there by his two older friends (one of them introduced himself to me, and introduced me to "youngin" and his other buddy...Who were both bored.).

By the way, when Beyonce comes on...WATCH OUT! Because, the room goes crazy! LMAO!!

Anyway, as I was sipping my drink, checking out the various "man-candies" (a new word I invented), and getting checked out, I noticed this cute lil' guy that I saw on the dance floor earlier. Lets call him "Gangsta-Papi", LOL. He came over to me and we clinked our drinks together. We started talking, and he told me how "fucked up" he was...Which I was thinking: "Duh!" I stumbled a little bit, and he made a commint about me being "fucked up" too (LOL). I don't know how, but, we ended up leaving the backroom and went to sit in the lounge (It had to be the vodka in my system mixed his sexy ass cologne...Right?). He asked me where my dude was, I said I didn't have one. He asked why, and I said I ddn't know (LOL). He then lifted my cap, took a look, and said: "You sexy as fuck! How you don't gotta dude!?!". I said: "He didn't come around yet." (This was a double meaning.). He then said: "I think he right here!" (I know its not the BEST line, but, he was drunk...ok!).

After our little chat session, we just sat, looking into each others eyes, holding hands, touching, rubbing, licking our lips, and just being...GAY!! And I LOVED it!! I've been "sensual" with another guy before, and I was LOVING it!! Before I knew it, we were leaning into each other, and started kissing! Eventhough he was drunk and kissing kind of "sloopy-ish", he was still madd passionate. I've never experienced anything like that before, and it was great (And Papi's tongue was madd long too, LOL). When we came up for air, I suggested that he write his name/number on a napkin from the bar. But, he couldn't hear. All he could do was stare into my eyes, lick his juicy lips, and grin...Apparently, he was just mesmerized by me and blocked everything else out (LOL). Feeling the magnetic vibe between us, we leaned in again, and made out some more...This time, with Gangsta-Papi showing me much more passion than before! Damn!...He fucking mauled me!...And it felt tooo good! It lasted for a while, and after we came back up for air, he whispered in my ear: "You got me thru da roof shorty...Foreal!"

We played around a little bit more, in the lounge, and got up to go back to the party/backroom (he wanted to go back in). After he gave me a few more lines, they called "last call", and then the "vouging" started. That was...Interesting to say the least (LOL). After the dancing was over, Papi and I went back to the lounge and he gave me his phone so i could call mine from it, to get his number. After that, he went to find the friend he came with, I told him I'd hit him up, and I left.

Walking back to the train, I couldn't help but to have a Cheshire Cat grin planted on my face...Which lasted until I got back home. I haven't felt this good or confident in a WHILE (I was in need of some "validation")! It's the experience and "adventure" that i would never take back...I actually had a nice time there! And I wouldn't mind going back, just to chill in the lounge, have a drink, enjoy the videos on the plasma's, and play some pool.

This must be what its like to be Single...Going out, having a good time, being able to kiss and touch whoever, and not having obligations to any one person. I think like it!

;-)

A New Year, A New Outlook?

2008-01-01T04:41:00.000-06:00

***Listening To***

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!!!

Well, last year, my resolution was to become financially stable...Which I did! I got my current job last January, started saving, learned to spend smartly, and YAY!...I reached my goal.
This year, I want to expand what I have, keep saving, and start investing.

This year, I want to start making more changes in my life. I'm already on my way to becoming a bartender (I'm crossing my fingers).

Theres's a few other things I want to work on in 2008:

1. Becoming more adventurous.
2. Stepping outside of my "box".
3. Give men another chance?
4. Being more focused on what I want.
5. Move into my first apartment.
6. Getting past my "issues".
7. NOT hesitating to take advantage of opportunities when they present themselves.
8. Changing my outlook on life?
9. Apply to the police academy & the fire department, during the summer.

;-)

So Together, Yet So Broken Up Inside...

2007-12-31T04:47:00.000-06:00

***Listening To***

Well, I guess this entry might be a little over due, seeing that I have ALWAYS wanted/needed to get this particular "issue" off my chest and out of my mind. And, since a new year is on its way, I want to start letting go of my "baggage"...So to speak. There was a moment in my life, in my childhood, that changed me forever and shaped who I've become today. No matter how deep I try to bury it, its still there...10 years later. It's the main reason why I have my "issues"...The main reason why I can't really get close to ANYONE, or trust ANYONE, or love ANYONE, or even want to be loved by ANYONE. Its why I've never dated ANYONE, and partly why I avoid my family now that I'm an adult.

1997...

Until Augest 15th 1997, I grew up with my single mother, in our nice lil' apartment. By the time I was 11, I was already used to being a "latch-key" kid, since we lived in the city and I was madd smart, responsible, and well behaved for my age. We had a nice little family...Me, Mom, Nana, Grandpops and my Aunt. Yeah, I was close to the rest of my familly, but my mom and I were madd tight...Kind of like having a friend and mom all in one person. I was such a "Mama's" boy. I remember the GREAT holidays we had, the food that ONLY she could cook right, and me saying "God is love, and goodnight" almost every night before I went to bed. And, she was always into style...Huh! Guess thats where I get it from, LOL.

Anyway, that all came to an end, on the 15th. The day before Aug 14th, was like any other hot summer day...As i remember. I had just got done with my lil' City Summer Camp gig, and was on chill until school started in September. Mom did laundry that day (I remember because their was fresh laundry on her bed when the cops came the next morning). That night, she made dinner for me, and everything was the "usual" (I think). Later that evening, she went out (I think with friends or something), and while I was laying in my bed, watching the 11 o'clock news, and the phone rang. The caller-ID said "payphone" or something, I picked it up, and it was Mom. My memory's a little fuzzy, but, the convo went like this:

Me: "Hello"?
Mom: "M*&$. I'm stopping at the store, you want anything?"
Me: (Forgot what I asked for)
Mom: "Ok. I'm on my way home, ok?"
Me: "Ok."
Mom: "Goodnight."
Me: "Goodnight."

Little did i know, thats the last time I'd hear my mom's voice or have a conversation with her. After that, I put this yay-high flat steele thingy up against the apartment door (it was our stupid lil' security system...eventhough we had a big-ass steele door with deadbolt locks ), so that I'd hear her come in, and took my little ass to bed.

I woke up hearing that metal thing hit the floor, figured mom was home, and turned back over. But, then I heard a walkee-talkee, and people talking. Someone yelled "HELLO!?!", and I got out of bed, noticed that it was the morning, peeked out my bedroom door, and saw two police officers standing in the living room. They saw me, and one of them said "Hi.". I think they asked me to get dressed and come with them. I got dressed (heart beating out my chest), grabbed my House Key, and went into the living room with the cops. I asked where my mother was, and they didnt tell me anything. I went with them to the leasing office for our apartment buliding, and just waited. I think I played Solitare on the computer or something. I just knew something was wrong...I just figured that mom was in the hospital or something, I'd see her, and we'd be back home in a little bit.

I don't know how, but, the police got my Grandmother's work number, and called her (I think I gave them her home number). And apparently she got a hold of my Grandpa, because, a little later, they came to pick me up. I saw the worried looks on their faces, but, they didn't tell me anything. They took me to my Grandpa's house, and left me there with someone to watch me, so they could go to the Hospital. I sat at Grandpa's house, for what seemed like hours, my head spinning, wondering what the hell could have happened, bored, tired, and scared. But, for some reason, I just assumed that my Mom was alright (deep down, something just felt really "off" in my reality)...But, at the same time, I was afraid of seeing her in a hospital bed. I guess, when your a kid, you assume that the people you love are just...Invincible.

Anyway, my grandparents come back, and they "looks" on their faces (They just had to ID the body of their oldest daughter). Nana was holding back sobs and Grandpa had really wet red eyes. They sat down, and Grandpa told me that my mother was in an accident...and that she died.

It felt I had gotten kicked in the stomach and was falling out of a window at the same time. I was confused, scared, broken, and still trying to figure out what was happening. All the while, crying my eyes out, heaving, face hurting, and wishing I could just wake up. The emotion just wouldn't STOP! On the car ride to my grandmother's house (my new home), I couldn't stop crying and heaving in the backseat. Even when we got to her house, and to the "guest" room (my new bedroom), I couldn't stop. Night came, and all I could think about was my mom...And, I got to the point where I just ran out of tears. I don't remember when it was, but my grandma told what happened:

My mom at the corner store, that night, putting bags into the the backseat of her car on the passenger side, when some dude that was high/drunk was speeding away from the police, when he hit a pole and then crashed into my mom's parked car on the driver's side, while she was puting her bags in the backseat...Which slamed the side the car where she was into the store's wall. Dude that was driving died at the "scene". I forgot what happened to the friend that was riding with him. But, my mom was alive when the paramedics got to her, and took her to the ER...But, they couldn't save her!!

The police/court called it a "Feak Accident" and "Vehicular Homicide".

Going back to my old home, to pick up my stuff and pack up my life, brought more tears...And, so did the funeral. Then, my tears turned to anger and strength. Somewhere down the road, after everything wasn't so "fresh", I decided that I couldn't love ANYONE ever again...Because, "love" equals pain and lose. And, if I don't "love" or get "close"to anyone...It can't hurt when they leave or die. Which is why I distanced myself from my remaining family when I was growing up, moved a few states away after high school, and barely speak to them...I care about them. I just don't have it in me to deal with loosing/burying someone else that I'm related to. And, on some level, while growing up, I was waiting for mom to swing by Grandma's house and take me back home...Like, when she'd drop me off to get "babysat". After I realized that fantasy wasn't happening, I decided to just erase her altogether from my memory.

Deep down, A part of me hates my mom and myself. SHE left ME!! SHE was grown, and made a choice to go out that night!...Instead of staying home! Then again, I'm mainly to blame...If I wasn't BORN, she'd still be alive! If I wasn't BORN, she would not have moved into that two-bedroom apartment and been in that area! Why didn't she ABORT my ass!! Sometimes, when things go wrong, I think its because I'm not really not supposed to be around in the first place. A part of me knows that I don't deserve to be "happy"...And, a part of me doesn't want to be. I was "happy", over 10 years ago, then I got kicked in the fucking teeth and had the ground ripped from underneath me!!! God or whatever literally put-the-screws to me!!

I guess I have "Survivor's Guilt" or something.

Sometimes, I wonder "What if?". What if mom was still alive?...Whould I be a totally different person?...Whould I have moved away?...Whould we still be close?

I'm hoping that I can just get over all of this someday, and be normal like everyone else. But, I've spent most of my life being "shattered", and I doubt that Super Glue can even fix it.

;-)

Event Horizon...

2007-12-28T04:47:00.000-06:00

Well, tommorow, or later today, I start my first day of Bartending
School...YAY!! Usually, I'd kinda have a problem with having to get
up/out sooo early in the day...Seeing that I get off work at 3am, home
at 4:30-ish, and hit the sheets between 5 & 6am (sometimes depending on
how horny I might be, LOL.). By the way, I'm on the bus right now, on my
Sidekick.

Ugh! The class starts at 1pm...So, I'm gonna have to get up at like
10am, just because I want to get there early (its downtown...a 20-30min
train ride...which I never really mind.). But, in my eyes, its worh not
getting as many hours of sleep in the next few weeks. Besides, I'm on
Winter Break (which is when I wanted to go through my training), and I
can rest on the weekends. And, you know what they say: "You don't grind,
you don't shine."

Most importantly, I'm madd excited. I've always been an adventurer at
heart, and a "Jack-of-all-trades". And, I've been dying for an adventure
for the longest, LOL!!...Along with the chance to learn a new skill!

Wish me luck!...

;-)

The Cute Yella Boy That has All My Attention...aka My Work "Boyfriend"

2007-12-19T04:30:00.000-06:00

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So, there's this guy, at my job, that a have a madd crush on (given my
luck, I wouldn't be surprized if he turned out to be an uber friendly,
somewhat flirtatious str8 guy). It all started over the Summer (I think
that's when he started working there), when I first saw his cute ass
(OMG!! My man has the prettyest eyes!). He works the shift before me, in
the warehouse, and we're always passing each other (he's getting off
work, I'm coming in). If I remember right, we started with that whole
eye-contact-always-noticing-each-other "thing" (isn't that some kind of
homo "code", or something?). Then, we escalated to nodding at each other
(recently), and exchanging "whuddup's".

By the way, I don't know his name...Yet!

Anyway, somewhere down the road, I started noticing little "changes" in
our interactions as we saw more of each other. He was grinning now, when
we saw each other and exchanged "hey's & whuddup's"...And, so was
I...And, we still do (is that subtle firting?). Then, I noticed how,
sometimes, he'd kind of go out of his way to acknowledge me...For
example, one nite, I was coming into work and was about to walk past
where he was...And he had this big heavy-ass box in his arms (he was
straining with that bitch, LOL), and he turned around with the bigest
britest SMILE on his face and said "Wassup!" (Like he was happy to see
his Man!).

Sometimes, hell, most of the time, when I see him, it "makes" my nights
before I even clock-in (I know, its stupid..Right?)! Seeing how slow
things were moving for us, I decided to try something. One night, when
we walked past each other, I touched his arm when I said
"whuddup!"...And now, we "dap" when we see each other...Along with the
grins and such. Hell, even when we're not near each other, he
waves/acknoledges me...Grin in tact.

But, ugh, if things keep going at this pace, we should be together in
about 10 years (LOL!)!! I trying to figure out how to start a
conversarion with his cute ass, find out his damn name, and exchange
numbers...How-the-hell-else is he going to become my Boyfriend-Boyfriend
instead just being my Work-Boyfriend (Hell, in my head, this dude is
ALREADY my damn Man! LOL!)??

LMAO!! Tonight, on my bus ride to work, I wrote a lil' note that I might
give to him soon...It says:

"Yo!
Hit me up.
(###)###-####
-my name."

Ugh!! Why does being attracted, to men, have to be so fucking hard!?! And, what am I gonna about ole boy!?!? Ugh!!!!! I need to stop developing "crushes"!

;-)

The Jump-Off That Could've Been.

2007-12-18T06:29:00.000-06:00

Well, I'm just getting in from work...But, 20mins ago, I almost had a "Jump off"!!

I was at the subway/bus terminal (at 4am), waiting for my bus with everyone else, listening to my iPod, when I noticed this madd cute nigga glancing at me. Then, he gives me the "wassup" nod. And, I gave it back....Then, we kept glancing at each other. After that, he walked out to where the buses park/wait. I saw my bus, and plained on geting it, but I walked towards "Dennis" instead (hey, I wanted to get his damn number...Okay!).

I walked up to "Dennis", and we exchanged "whuddups", names, and what-not...Then, he gave me some story about how he got locked outta his house and now he was on his way back home cuz somebody was there to let him in now...Yada yada yada. He then asked if I was trying to get into "something". I told him: "Naw, I'm bout 2 go home...I'm madd tired". Then, he wanted to know if he could come to my crib and "kick it"...NOW!!

I laughed, and told him: "Naw!...I dont even know you all-like-that." (it didnt help that he pointed out that my dick was madd hard, while I was being all serious with him) He then want on about how he's a "real good dude" and that I could even pat-him-down to make sure he didnt have anything on him. I said: "Yea, you seem like a good dude." He came back with (while grining and licking his sexy-ass lips): "Yea, you aint seen nothin' yet."

I laughed again, and asked if he had a phone so he could hit me up sometime. He told me it was turned off right now! Anyway, I wrote down my number on an envelope he had in his pocket, and told him to call whenever (Shut up! I was curious!). We then walked to another bus stop, where it wouldn't be sooo many people around (I was ready to hurt dude, if he wanted to pull some greasy-ass-shyt). During our convo, I told him: "Yo! I dont do shyt like that ( random jump-off's)..."You do this all the time, dont you." He said: "Nope! I just saw you, and thought you was cute, and liked you."

He then want on, AGAIN, about how he was a "good dude" and that I could pat-him-down...And, I did...Twice!!!! It felt sooooo fucking good to touch and feel-up-on this cute ass nigga (Hey!! I haven't touched a damn man in YEARS!...Dammit, can you blame me for wanting to have a lil' fun?)!!

Anyway, we talked a little more, and then the second bus was coming...He asked: "So, we cant kick it?" I said: "Not now, call me." He then gave me the "So, its like that?" shyt. I just told him to hit me up, got on my bus, and watched him walk back to get his train...And, I thought "Why can't the "right" one's be that bold...DAMMIT!!"

Bottom Line: "Dennis" is/was...
1. Either slow...Or high? Maybe a combo of both?
2. 22.
3. Cell's turned off.
4. Job-less.
5. Working on getting his...GED!?!?
6. A smoker.
7. Most likely a user.

Ugh!! You really cant judge a book by its handsome cover!

Just like snakes...We too shed our skins as we grow.

2007-12-12T04:09:00.000-06:00

***Listening to: "Givin' The Dog a Bone" By AC/DC***

It's one of those nights again...I'm on the bus, on my way home from
work, at 3am. Something has been on my mind for a while now. But,
recently, since I've let my imagination wonder more from time-to-time,
its really hit me that I've strayed from what I used to be interested
in, when I was younger.

I guess what brought me to this, is the lil' "story" or "comic" that
I've had swimming around in my head for the longest. I'm ALWAYS thinking
about it, thinking-up storylines, ploting "cameo's" from other fictional
characters, directions, etc. Now, I can't draw my ass out of a damn
paper-bag...But, that's what pencilers & artists & inkers are for, LOL.
And, for some reason, when I was a teen, I kind of thought I might end
up being a writer (/journalist) when I was older.

Now, like eveyone else, I too want through "phases" while growing up
(and still do). But, while most of those were fleeting, I realized that
others were just plain-out interest or hobbies that I had developed
(does that make ANY sense?). For example, I used to take everthing and
anything apart, when I was a kid, just to see how they "worked" or what
they're insides looked like....And, when I didn't have scew drivers
around, I'd just use a butter knife to try and pry whatever it was
apart (LOL! That must've been nice for my family!).

And, when I say "everthing & anything", I mean everything from
electronics (walk-man's, radio's, etc) to Happy Meal toys, LOL. Anyway,
let me hop off this damn tanget.

The thing is, when I got older and grew up and had responsibilities, I
also grew out of most of the thing that used to interest me...Or
unknowingly replaced them with new one's? I think this sort of thing
happens to all us, when we grow...We "shed" things, that maybe brought
us joy, from our pasts, and move on to being grown folks. I've never
really thought aboult it before.

Anyway, I think I'm going to try writing again...Just to see how it
goes. I'm deffinatly not going to be entering any "contests" anytime
soon or submiting anything to Marvel or DC or Darkhorse or any
publishing companies (LMAO). But, I'm gonna give it a go, and see how I
like it.

Laterz!

;-)

The T-Rex In All of Us

2007-12-06T04:57:00.001-06:00

***Listening to*** 1. " Cream" by. Prince
2. "What You Waiting For" by. Gwen Stefani

Well, its been a while, but I'm back, LOL. This is actually coming from
my Sidekick...I figured out how the whole "email" blog works. I'm on my
way home from work, on the bus, and figured "Hey! Why don't I try this
out?" Anyway, I've just been madd busy with FINALS at school, and work
as usual. Ok! I'm ranting, LOL...on with what I was thinking about.

Today, I realized something. That if you (or I) really want something,
be it success, attention, oppertunities, that "special" someone, etc
etc, you sometimes have to be willing to do WHATEVER it takes to get
it...or, get desperate, and pull a page out of "Wilhelmina Slater's
Guide to Power" (til the old guy you tried to marry, for his
money/publishing empire, dies before you can marry him...and then your
scewed). Yeah, I like "Ugly Betty"...But, I LOVE and LIVE for Vinessa
William's character, Wilhelmina. She's soooo over-the-top and
outrageous, but, most of the time, she has a valid point.

I came to my tiny realization while I was in class, a few days ago. Their might
have been a lil' situation, where our Prof left out of class for a nice
period of time...and, I might have cheated with EVERONE else on our
Final...Alledgely!

Usually I'm mentally patting myself on the back, for NOT being like
eveyone else, NOT being a follower while also not being the lead, and
doing my own "thing"...Basically, NOT drinking the rat-poison laced
"Kool-Aid", along with mostly everyone else. Surprisingly, there's more
"straglers" or fellow "renigades" than I thought....What a shock!

Anyway, I felt a tiny-bit guilty at first (it was more like the shock of
the gift I was being given, LOL). But at that very moment, my "inner"
Wilhelmina kicked through the door, and said: "Awww screw it! Ya gotta
do what ya gotta do, to get by!....It is what it is!". So I did what HAD
to be done. And I came to the conclusion that everyone must have this "voice" or "instinct" inside of them...Even the nicest of people. Hell, its SURVIVAL!

I've sort of decided to segway this little realization into a lil' theme I'm thinking about taking-up, for now and the new year coming up. It's about taking chances and opportunities...And, going "balls-to-the-wall", so to speak....Basically, trying NOT to pass up good opportunities, just because I'm afraid of the outcome or being in a new situation.

~1~ ;-)

He's Single! He's Sexy!....He's Celibate.

2007-11-23T02:40:00.000-06:00

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A Few Things About Me:

I'm 21.
In school.
I've never "dated" or done a "relationship".
I've been celibate for almost 2yrs.
In the few time's that I've "experiemented" with sex, in the past, I didn't "enjoy" it.

I'm hoping this is not going to be one of those "ramble-a-thons", that go on in my head, whenever think about this "issue" of mine or whenever I'm attracted to a guy, LOL.

I'm gonna pull a Hiro Nakamura, and go back about 11-12 years, to where the "root" of this "issue" of mine started. My memory is madd fuzzy when it comes to my childhood...You know how things just blend together, as we get older and experience more. So, bare with me here.

I was either 9 or 10 when one of my aunts(grandma's lil' sis) come into the picture. I think my grandma & her sister had lost touch with each other, and, at this point, reconnected after Grand took a trip to DC to visit. Anyway, this aunt decided to move to our city, to be closer to her newly rediscovered family. I somewhat remember her. But, from what my mom & fam have told me, she was pretty much a free spirit and artistic...I partly remember that too. Anyway, after she moved to where we were, my mom told me that my new aunt had something called Full-Blown AIDS.

Since I was a shorty at the time, I didnt really "know" exactly what AIDS was, or what it really had to do with my fun new aunt...I remember that she was really skinny and had a deep-dark complexion. I just assumed that that was just how she always was...Ya know?

Now, that I think about it, this is also where my hate/fear of Hospitals began...But, I'll get to that another time.

Anyway, I remember my mom driving her to the doctor a lot. I dont know exactly how long my aunt was with us...A year maybe less. But, all-of-a-sudden, during the winter (I remember their was snow), my aunt got sick and had to go to the Hospital for pneumonia. I thought she had a bad flu, and she'd be outta there when she got better. But, little did I know, that we would have to visit her almost everyday, and see her get worst...Basically watching her die!

I remember going to visit, with my mom, and smelling that HORRIBLE smell that Hospitals have...Ugh! That whole "sterile" smell! And, I think we had to go to the Hospice or AIDS Wing of the Hospital...I dunno! But, it was terrible...Watching someone that you love, who JUST came into your life, slowly slip away...And there's nothing to do to stop it from happening...No matter how many cards, how many flowers, and how prayers...It wasnt enough to make her magically better, like I hoped it would.

I dunno how long it was, that she was in the hospital...Two weeks maybe less? But, I know my mom came to me and told me that Aunte Pat had died. I dont really remember how I handled that, at 9 or 10, but I didnt know what the Hell to think...Someone that a cared deeply for was here, got the flu (I thought), and was supposed to magically get better...And now I'm hearing that she's just...GONE!

I guess we all really do deal things in our own different way. After my aunts death, my mom went to classes, seminars, programs, or whatever to educate herself about HIV/AIDS...She even got a "certificate" or some kinda paper for HIV/AIDS awareness. Me, on the other hand, found-out that AIDS came from having sex...I didnt know what "sex" really was at that time, but, I told myself that "I'm NEVER having sex!"...All I could think about was how sick my aunt got and how she died. When I got a lil' older, I learned about safe-sex and stds...But, I was still scared & stayed a virgin until I got outta High School.

When I was a teenager, I found-out how my aunt contracted AIDS...When she lived in DC, she was attacked and raped. The attacker had AIDS and gave it to her! That was only one of the moments that I started losing faith in society...Yea, I'm a really cynical nigga.

At around 18-19 I realized I was all Homo, LOL....It's stupid now, but, when I was in high school, I just thought I was going through a "phase". Anyway, after all that, my fear got a lil' worst. I'm not at all "religious", but, in the back of my head, I thought that no matter how safe I was, Fate or the Universe or Whatever would "punish" me, for some reason...And I'd end-up in the same situation that my aunt was in: Fine...Sick...Laying in a hospital...Slowly slipping away...Then GONE!

In the few sexual experiences I've allowed myself to have, with dudes, that has ALWAYS been in the back of my mind...Guess thats why I ever "enjoyed" actually having sex. And, now I'm permanately(I think) celibate...Going on 2yrs. Cuz, let's face it...There aint no nigga out their who wants to be in a relationship with someone who's afraid to fuck or make-love or whatever.

A part of me just wants to "get over" myself and through caution to the wind...And really LIVE. But, the other part cant.

I'm Just Screwed!

I Always Hurt the One's I Love Most...Without Even Knowing It!!

2007-11-18T05:29:00.000-06:00

Well, before I hopped into the shower, I was fresh off of having a VERY heavy phone convo with a friend of mine (lets call him Kev)...In which he told me that he didnt want to be refered to as just one of my buddies. And, I can understand where he's coming from...Seeing that, in the short time that we have known each other, we've become madd close intellectually & emotionally over the phone, since he's a couple states & a few hours away...I know, its a lil wierd!

We met on myspace, (I know!) , almost a year ago. I think I came across a poem in one of his blogs, liked it, and made a comment on it...And it didn't hurt that he was madd cute at the same time, LOL. So, after emailing on myspace back-&-forth, we started chating on yahoo. And, thats actually when I realized that he wasn't just a Hottie on the outside...Ole boi was smart, funny, & had a soul that just madd deep...The kinda guy I always thought I wanted.

After a few months of chatting, he was one of the first people I gave my number to when I got my new baby (my Sidekick3)...The first time we actually talked we just want on for hours...til about 7am (saturday nite-sunday morn.). That sort of became our lil "thing", since we both kept VERY different hours during the week (he worked all day...I'm in school all day & at work all nite til 3am)...And still kinda is. But, after a while, I just grew outta that lil "crush" I had on Kev the more we got to know each other...And then, in my head, he just became a good friend.

Fast Foward to when he starts opening his heart to me, and telling me that he's not exactly "over" the lil crush we had on each other...He knows that we're just friends, but he has one problem: I wont open-up to him like he does with me.

My first thought: "THIS is why I never dated much less got into a "relationship" with a nigga!" "I dont do "domestic" shyt!"

Actually, I dont & cant get close to or love ANYONE anymore...Tried that shyt in the past, and it always ends with LOSS and PAIN. And so, he restarted this whole convo between us a couple hours ago. I told him "Yo, I cant just change who I am." After a few more words, we got back to our "usual convo and said goodnite.

I took my shower, put on my Shea Butter, and now I'm sitting here at 6am listening to Madonna's Erotica Album...With some milk n cookies, LOL.

And it hits me like a truck: This is the lil' "dance" that Kev and I are going to keep doing for our whole friendship/relationship! Eventhough I care deeply for him, I'm going to keep hurting his feelings because I cant let him be for me what I've been for him...A shoulder, someone to trust, and someone who's "there" no matter what...A rock. But, I am who I am...and I pride myself on being stong and independant...Being a Man of Steele. He knows that, and is just gonna have to realize that it is what it is...And, hopefully be happy with what we already have.

When I hear/play the song above (Bad Girl by. Madonna), it makes me think about myself...And how I always end up hurting the one's I care about the most...Family, friends, whoever. Yea...I'm really that screwed.

DAMN!! Its 7am and the sun's up...Lemme take my ass to BED!! LMAO!!

~1~ ;-)

Like A Virgin. (aka My First Blog)

2007-11-17T21:07:00.000-06:00

Well, I guess I should make my 1st post an introductory one.

SideNote: I'm trying this whole "thing" out to see how much I like it...So I'm still goning to be "tweaking" things as I go along. I owe a good chunk of my inspiration to the other blogs that I've started to read (check "My Fav Places" link). I was first gonna try this on Myspace...Then I thought "Ugh...Seriously?!?" So, now I'm on here...Wish me luck!

As most of you already know, I'm RocaFella07 or just plain Roc. I'm also 21, a Scorpio, likes long walks on the beach, sunrises, and puppies...LMFAO!! Naw, I'm mos def not a Scorpio, and if I go walking on a beach here, in Chicago, I'll most likely get a broken bottle stuck in my foot...Seriously!! But, I do love looking over the skyline of the city and walking through Millennium Park (Damn!! that place was BEAUTIFUL over the summer.) http://www.millenniumpark.org/.

So yea, I'm Single in the City...Permanatly, I think. And, since I'm a lil bit of a comic-geek, most of the time I refer to Chi-City as Metropolis...This has a few meanings behind it, one being that Clark Kent came from something small and became Superman after moving to Metropolis, LOL. I know, it's madd stupid...But it's one of my "things", LOL.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Metropolis_(comics)

Ok, that's enough of the "me me me"...My 1st non-intro blog is coming up later. Right now I'm bout to finish watching the 300th episode of MadTV...LOL!!

Oh, and I just wanna let EVERYONE know that my blog is OPEN...Meaning that any/all comments & questions are more than welcome.

~1~ ;-)

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