A couple weeks ago, I had the experience of a lifetime. I got the chance to actually participate in the Chicago Gay Pride Parade this year. It came through a gig that I scored with the company who's float I was on. I don't even know where to start.
I was working the float with Mystique Summers, from the second season of LOGO's "RuPaul's Drag Race". I was actually surprised by how funny, smart, and just plain down-to-earth she was. Its always interesting meeting people, from Reality TV, away from the cameras. Anyway, when the parade started, it felt as if my heart was going to fly right out of my chest. But, seeing millions of my fellow Gays, Lesbians, Transgenders, and Bisexuals cheering us on simply took away all my anxiety.
Even though wearing a skin-tight silver body suit is not the most comfortable thing to wear on a sunny near 90° day, I had a greatest time of my life. With everyone cheering, wanting photos, and showing me so much love, I really felt proud to be apart of our colorful Gay community. Seeing all of us coming together to create such a powerful positive energy really inspired me. This was our day, and if we really want to, we could rule the world. I felt as if I was actually apart of making History.
I always understood the reason for the Gay Pride festivities, but, that day I finally GOT IT.
I guess that shy little Gay boy, who moved to the Windy City all but five years ago, has come a long way.
Its amazing what can happen in just a year's time. A year ago, I lost my "clubbing" virginity, and told you guys all about it. And, I remember it, just like it was yesterday.
A few weeks ago, I was looking through the various Club flyer's I had laying on one of my bedside tables, and it dawned on me. I've come such a long long long way from the club "virgin" I once was. That night, I was actually debating on where I wanted to spend my night...based on which place had the least expensive admission, the stronger/bigger/best priced drinks, etc.
I was surprised by how much my knowledge of the Club scene has expanded, in under a year. Now, I know which places, on certain nights, have which "drink specials". I've figured out where I can get more for my money. I figured out which crowds go to what places...meaning, I know where the hot guys and diverse crowds are.
Surprisingly, along the way, I've gotten "competed" drinks, discounted admission, been put on a few "VIP" list, and even gotten free porn. I like going to different places, and getting a "feel" for different environments. But, its great that, the more place I go to, the more choices I have for how I want to spend my free and single nights.
Well, its a whole new year, and I'm back! I know its been a good minute since I've written anything. Luckily, that's something I'm working on for 2009, along with a few other things.
A lot has happened in the past few weeks, so, instead of making a long long long drawn-out post, I'll just give you the abridged version:
I had one of the greatest Christmas's and holiday weekend's of my life...with "Heartbreaker"! Yeah, we've been back in each others lives since November. And, its not what you might think. We're both still SINGLE. We're friends. We enjoy each other's company. And, we have "fun"...which sometimes involves kissing, a little heavy petting, and maybe some skin-to-skin action. Anyway, spending the Holiday with him made me realize what an amazing guy he really is. I mean, you can really see a guys true colors when he's around his family.
("Bottle Pop" - Pussycat Dolls)ShawnQt gave me some sound advice, a couple months ago, on being a "Naughty Boy"...and, I want to publicly thank him for it! He just didn't warn me about the backlash that being "naughty" could bring, from people who can't take it (LOL). By the way, when the red light comes on I transform.
Speaking of being naughty, I recently discovered that FAVORED lube is the shit...and can be used for multiple purposes (LOL).
I'm to be experimenting with the Blog. Meaning, a slight change in the format. As well as a format change.
("Procrastination" - Amy Winehouse) I'm starting to realize, that procrastination is one of my biggest faults. It gets in the way of me doing so much of the stuff that I THINK about doing. I mean, THIS post was supposed to be done the night of the 1st, while I was sitting on my bed, eating pizza. Cut to me typing away, on my Sidekick, while on my way home, on the subway (LOL). Procrastination is definitely my BIG thing to work on in 2009.
Its been one whole year since I began my journey into the Blogsphere. And, now I'm comfortable with officially calling myself a Blogger.
I also want to thank all of my fellow Bloggers and recreational readers for reading my blog, and for sticking with me through all this time. I especially want to thank those of you who take the time to leave comments. That means the world to me. I love getting feedback, your opinions, your ideas, thoughts, and criticisms. I value it all, so much, because it lets me know that I'm not as alone, in my thinking, as I thought I was.
I have a few things on the horizon, when it comes to the Blog. One of which is a new series of posts called...Cautionary Tales. I'm in the middle of writing/drafting #1, right now. I expect to have it out either at the end of this week or next Monday.
Thank you all, again, for sticking with me this long!
*Listening To* "It's All Over but the Crying (Remix)" by. Garbage
I've always know this, deep down, but now I actually have conformation. I'm 22yrs, and I've never dated anyone, never been in a relationship, never had boyfriend, and I've never really "talked" to a guy for more than week. And, I've come to realize that things are going this way for the rest of my life...22, 32, 42, 52, etc.
How did I come to realize this? Well, I've been thinking...which is basically a coin-toss of whether or not something good might come from it. Anyway, I've been thinking, marinating with my thoughts, and thinking of questions for my "research" into my family's past...and my future.
And what does it all come back to? Genetics.
While in thought, I started to trace things and put things together and connect the dots. I wanted to know why I can't seem to even develop healthy relationships much less be involved in one. So, I started with the small family that I do have left. So, there's my Nana (67), my Grandfather (65), my Uncle (47), and my Aunt (41).
As far as I know, Nana's only been in one big relationship...with the father of her children (grandpa)...who she divorced back in the 70s. And, there's been NOBODY else since then. Grandfather has had continuous whatevers with women who use him. Uncle is in his forties, has a career in charity work, and alone. And, Aunt (the fag hag) is also in her forties, man-less, and has never had a successful relationship.
After going through everyone's situation, I started to think: What about my Mother? Granted, she died when she was 35, but she was a lot different from everyone else in our family, and remember her dating or seeing someone when I was a kid. Which leads me to one of the most awkward and weirdest conversations I've ever had to have...I was forced to call Nana and ask her about my mom's (her daughter's) romantic life.
Here's how THAT went:
Ya ya ya...Blah blah blah...
Roc: "So, did my mom ever have any successful relationships?"
Nana: "What? Did you want to know if your mother ever had sexual relations?"
Sidebar: Oh god, kill me now. I did NOT ask you THAT grandma! Granted, I had just gotten off the subway, and there was a considerable amount of background noise on my end...but still, that whole exchange was just something that should never have happened!
Roc: "No! Did my mom ever have any SUCCESSFUL relationships?!"
Nana: "Oh!...SUCCESSFUL relationships."
Roc: "yeah....like dating or long-term relationships."
Nana: "Well, I don't think she really "dated" anyone. But, she "saw" people."
Nana: "I guess her relationship with your father was successful...right?"
Roc: "Ummm NO! Not at all!"
Sidebar: Really Nana!? You consider THAT to be a "successful" relationship!? So, I guess my mom's only "real" relationship involved having an accident-kid with a guy who cheated on her and brought needless drama into her life, until she cut ties with him? Seriously!?! This is the kind of fucked up thinking doesn't surprise me at all.
Anyway, during our conversation, I realized that its all GENETIC. One of the main reasons why I left,a few years ago, was because I didn't want to end up like the rest of my family. But, I realize, now, that I'll never be happy with anyone. I'll never be able to have anything close to a "healthy" relationship with a guy, because its not in my DNA. And, even if I ever come close to having something "serious", with someone, I'm pretty sure I'll fuck things up somehow.
I guess Shirley Manson was right...Certain things DO turn ugly, when you think too hard.
Lately, I've been thinking about just how internally fucked-up I am. How I have NO friends to pick me up when I'm "down" or to just talk to. And, for a while now, I've also been thinking about the two best friends of mine that I pushed out of my life 2-years ago. It wasn't because they were a negative influence-in fact, they were quite the opposite. Bottom line, I forced them out of my life to protect, not only them, but, myself as well.
Back Story:"Jay" and I meet online during the Summer before my freshmen year. We chatted for a while, started talking on the phone, and instantly became friends. He lives, and goes to school, down south. But, he's from Chicago, still has family here, and visits from time to time. "P" is "Jay's" best friend, who actually still lives in Chicago, but, goes to school in down-state IL. "P" and I got introduced to each other through "Jay" and became instant friends also. And, since we were close in closer proximity, we were able to hangout.
Here's how it went:
-Our friendship progressed, "J" and "P" wanted to become closer then I allow ANYONE to be to me (which, for normal people, isn't a big deal).
-I started to become attached to them...Which is a HUGE no no, for me.
-"J" got angry at me for not trusting them enough to take-down my "wall".
-I got angry at him for not understanding that I am who I am.
-We stopped talking. I then got angry with "P" for siding with "J", and stopped talking to his incredibly nice ass also.
And, their it was...My way out of committing to them and opening myself up. Funny thing is, I was also angry at and jealous of "J" because, at the time, he was in a sickeningly happy relationship with his boyfriend. And, at the time, I was in the same man-less place that I'm in now. And, deep down, I'm a selfish bastard who thinks that if I can't be happy, I don't want anyone else to be.
Anyway, I stopped talking to my ex best friends until I quit missing them. Besides, after a certain period of time went by, I figured it was too late to fix things. And, I was sure that we had all moved on with our lives.
I've grown a lot since then. And, I've always wondering how they were doing.
All of that being said, since I can't leave well enough alone, I hit them up on Facebook a couple months ago. "P" added me as a "friend", but wont return my emails. "J", on the other hand, didn't give me anything back.
I guess some things are just meant to stay broken...Friendships, People (Myself), etc.
Well, I guess this entry might be a little over due, seeing that I have ALWAYS wanted/needed to get this particular "issue" off my chest and out of my mind. And, since a new year is on its way, I want to start letting go of my "baggage"...So to speak. There was a moment in my life, in my childhood, that changed me forever and shaped who I've become today. No matter how deep I try to bury it, its still there...10 years later. It's the main reason why I have my "issues"...The main reason why I can't really get close to ANYONE, or trust ANYONE, or love ANYONE, or even want to be loved by ANYONE. Its why I've never dated ANYONE, and partly why I avoid my family now that I'm an adult.
1997...
Until Augest 15th 1997, I grew up with my single mother, in our nice lil' apartment. By the time I was 11, I was already used to being a "latch-key" kid, since we lived in the city and I was madd smart, responsible, and well behaved for my age. We had a nice little family...Me, Mom, Nana, Grandpops and my Aunt. Yeah, I was close to the rest of my familly, but my mom and I were madd tight...Kind of like having a friend and mom all in one person. I was such a "Mama's" boy. I remember the GREAT holidays we had, the food that ONLY she could cook right, and me saying "God is love, and goodnight" almost every night before I went to bed. And, she was always into style...Huh! Guess thats where I get it from, LOL.
Anyway, that all came to an end, on the 15th. The day before Aug 14th, was like any other hot summer day...As i remember. I had just got done with my lil' City Summer Camp gig, and was on chill until school started in September. Mom did laundry that day (I remember because their was fresh laundry on her bed when the cops came the next morning). That night, she made dinner for me, and everything was the "usual" (I think). Later that evening, she went out (I think with friends or something), and while I was laying in my bed, watching the 11 o'clock news, and the phone rang. The caller-ID said "payphone" or something, I picked it up, and it was Mom. My memory's a little fuzzy, but, the convo went like this:
Me: "Hello"? Mom: "M*&$. I'm stopping at the store, you want anything?" Me: (Forgot what I asked for) Mom: "Ok. I'm on my way home, ok?" Me: "Ok." Mom: "Goodnight." Me: "Goodnight."
Little did i know, thats the last time I'd hear my mom's voice or have a conversation with her. After that, I put this yay-high flat steele thingy up against the apartment door (it was our stupid lil' security system...eventhough we had a big-ass steele door with deadbolt locks ), so that I'd hear her come in, and took my little ass to bed.
I woke up hearing that metal thing hit the floor, figured mom was home, and turned back over. But, then I heard a walkee-talkee, and people talking. Someone yelled "HELLO!?!", and I got out of bed, noticed that it was the morning, peeked out my bedroom door, and saw two police officers standing in the living room. They saw me, and one of them said "Hi.". I think they asked me to get dressed and come with them. I got dressed (heart beating out my chest), grabbed my House Key, and went into the living room with the cops. I asked where my mother was, and they didnt tell me anything. I went with them to the leasing office for our apartment buliding, and just waited. I think I played Solitare on the computer or something. I just knew something was wrong...I just figured that mom was in the hospital or something, I'd see her, and we'd be back home in a little bit.
I don't know how, but, the police got my Grandmother's work number, and called her (I think I gave them her home number). And apparently she got a hold of my Grandpa, because, a little later, they came to pick me up. I saw the worried looks on their faces, but, they didn't tell me anything. They took me to my Grandpa's house, and left me there with someone to watch me, so they could go to the Hospital. I sat at Grandpa's house, for what seemed like hours, my head spinning, wondering what the hell could have happened, bored, tired, and scared. But, for some reason, I just assumed that my Mom was alright (deep down, something just felt really "off" in my reality)...But, at the same time, I was afraid of seeing her in a hospital bed. I guess, when your a kid, you assume that the people you love are just...Invincible.
Anyway, my grandparents come back, and they "looks" on their faces (They just had to ID the body of their oldest daughter). Nana was holding back sobs and Grandpa had really wet red eyes. They sat down, and Grandpa told me that my mother was in an accident...and that she died.
It felt I had gotten kicked in the stomach and was falling out of a window at the same time. I was confused, scared, broken, and still trying to figure out what was happening. All the while, crying my eyes out, heaving, face hurting, and wishing I could just wake up. The emotion just wouldn't STOP! On the car ride to my grandmother's house (my new home), I couldn't stop crying and heaving in the backseat. Even when we got to her house, and to the "guest" room (my new bedroom), I couldn't stop. Night came, and all I could think about was my mom...And, I got to the point where I just ran out of tears. I don't remember when it was, but my grandma told what happened:
My mom at the corner store, that night, putting bags into the the backseat of her car on the passenger side, when some dude that was high/drunk was speeding away from the police, when he hit a pole and then crashed into my mom's parked car on the driver's side, while she was puting her bags in the backseat...Which slamed the side the car where she was into the store's wall. Dude that was driving died at the "scene". I forgot what happened to the friend that was riding with him. But, my mom was alive when the paramedics got to her, and took her to the ER...But, they couldn't save her!!
The police/court called it a "Feak Accident" and "Vehicular Homicide".
Going back to my old home, to pick up my stuff and pack up my life, brought more tears...And, so did the funeral. Then, my tears turned to anger and strength. Somewhere down the road, after everything wasn't so "fresh", I decided that I couldn't love ANYONE ever again...Because, "love" equals pain and lose. And, if I don't "love" or get "close"to anyone...It can't hurt when they leave or die. Which is why I distanced myself from my remaining family when I was growing up, moved a few states away after high school, and barely speak to them...I care about them. I just don't have it in me to deal with loosing/burying someone else that I'm related to. And, on some level, while growing up, I was waiting for mom to swing by Grandma's house and take me back home...Like, when she'd drop me off to get "babysat". After I realized that fantasy wasn't happening, I decided to just erase her altogether from my memory.
Deep down, A part of me hates my mom and myself. SHE left ME!! SHE was grown, and made a choice to go out that night!...Instead of staying home! Then again, I'm mainly to blame...If I wasn't BORN, she'd still be alive! If I wasn't BORN, she would not have moved into that two-bedroom apartment and been in that area! Why didn't she ABORT my ass!! Sometimes, when things go wrong, I think its because I'm not really not supposed to be around in the first place. A part of me knows that I don't deserve to be "happy"...And, a part of me doesn't want to be. I was "happy", over 10 years ago, then I got kicked in the fucking teeth and had the ground ripped from underneath me!!! God or whatever literally put-the-screws to me!!
I guess I have "Survivor's Guilt" or something.
Sometimes, I wonder "What if?". What if mom was still alive?...Whould I be a totally different person?...Whould I have moved away?...Whould we still be close?
I'm hoping that I can just get over all of this someday, and be normal like everyone else. But, I've spent most of my life being "shattered", and I doubt that Super Glue can even fix it.
***Listening to: "Givin' The Dog a Bone" By AC/DC***
It's one of those nights again...I'm on the bus, on my way home from work, at 3am. Something has been on my mind for a while now. But, recently, since I've let my imagination wonder more from time-to-time, its really hit me that I've strayed from what I used to be interested in, when I was younger.
I guess what brought me to this, is the lil' "story" or "comic" that I've had swimming around in my head for the longest. I'm ALWAYS thinking about it, thinking-up storylines, ploting "cameo's" from other fictional characters, directions, etc. Now, I can't draw my ass out of a damn paper-bag...But, that's what pencilers & artists & inkers are for, LOL. And, for some reason, when I was a teen, I kind of thought I might end up being a writer (/journalist) when I was older.
Now, like eveyone else, I too want through "phases" while growing up (and still do). But, while most of those were fleeting, I realized that others were just plain-out interest or hobbies that I had developed (does that make ANY sense?). For example, I used to take everthing and anything apart, when I was a kid, just to see how they "worked" or what they're insides looked like....And, when I didn't have scew drivers around, I'd just use a butter knife to try and pry whatever it was apart (LOL! That must've been nice for my family!).
And, when I say "everthing & anything", I mean everything from electronics (walk-man's, radio's, etc) to Happy Meal toys, LOL. Anyway, let me hop off this damn tanget.
The thing is, when I got older and grew up and had responsibilities, I also grew out of most of the thing that used to interest me...Or unknowingly replaced them with new one's? I think this sort of thing happens to all us, when we grow...We "shed" things, that maybe brought us joy, from our pasts, and move on to being grown folks. I've never really thought aboult it before.
Anyway, I think I'm going to try writing again...Just to see how it goes. I'm deffinatly not going to be entering any "contests" anytime soon or submiting anything to Marvel or DC or Darkhorse or any publishing companies (LMAO). But, I'm gonna give it a go, and see how I like it.
In the few time's that I've "experiemented" with sex, in the past, I didn't "enjoy" it.
I'm hoping this is not going to be one of those "ramble-a-thons", that go on in my head, whenever think about this "issue" of mine or whenever I'm attracted to a guy, LOL.
I'm gonna pull a Hiro Nakamura, and go back about 11-12 years, to where the "root" of this "issue" of mine started. My memory is madd fuzzy when it comes to my childhood...You know how things just blend together, as we get older and experience more. So, bare with me here.
I was either 9 or 10 when one of my aunts(grandma's lil' sis) come into the picture. I think my grandma & her sister had lost touch with each other, and, at this point, reconnected after Grand took a trip to DC to visit. Anyway, this aunt decided to move to our city, to be closer to her newly rediscovered family. I somewhat remember her. But, from what my mom & fam have told me, she was pretty much a free spirit and artistic...I partly remember that too. Anyway, after she moved to where we were, my mom told me that my new aunt had something called Full-Blown AIDS.
Since I was a shorty at the time, I didnt really "know" exactly what AIDS was, or what it really had to do with my fun new aunt...I remember that she was really skinny and had a deep-dark complexion. I just assumed that that was just how she always was...Ya know?
Now, that I think about it, this is also where my hate/fear of Hospitals began...But, I'll get to that another time.
Anyway, I remember my mom driving her to the doctor a lot. I dont know exactly how long my aunt was with us...A year maybe less. But, all-of-a-sudden, during the winter (I remember their was snow), my aunt got sick and had to go to the Hospital for pneumonia. I thought she had a bad flu, and she'd be outta there when she got better. But, little did I know, that we would have to visit her almost everyday, and see her get worst...Basically watching her die!
I remember going to visit, with my mom, and smelling that HORRIBLE smell that Hospitals have...Ugh! That whole "sterile" smell! And, I think we had to go to the Hospice or AIDS Wing of the Hospital...I dunno! But, it was terrible...Watching someone that you love, who JUST came into your life, slowly slip away...And there's nothing to do to stop it from happening...No matter how many cards, how many flowers, and how prayers...It wasnt enough to make her magically better, like I hoped it would.
I dunno how long it was, that she was in the hospital...Two weeks maybe less? But, I know my mom came to me and told me that Aunte Pat had died. I dont really remember how I handled that, at 9 or 10, but I didnt know what the Hell to think...Someone that a cared deeply for was here, got the flu (I thought), and was supposed to magically get better...And now I'm hearing that she's just...GONE!
I guess we all really do deal things in our own different way. After my aunts death, my mom went to classes, seminars, programs, or whatever to educate herself about HIV/AIDS...She even got a "certificate" or some kinda paper for HIV/AIDS awareness. Me, on the other hand, found-out that AIDS came from having sex...I didnt know what "sex" really was at that time, but, I told myself that "I'm NEVER having sex!"...All I could think about was how sick my aunt got and how she died. When I got a lil' older, I learned about safe-sex and stds...But, I was still scared & stayed a virgin until I got outta High School.
When I was a teenager, I found-out how my aunt contracted AIDS...When she lived in DC, she was attacked and raped. The attacker had AIDS and gave it to her! That was only one of the moments that I started losing faith in society...Yea, I'm a really cynical nigga.
At around 18-19 I realized I was all Homo, LOL....It's stupid now, but, when I was in high school, I just thought I was going through a "phase". Anyway, after all that, my fear got a lil' worst. I'm not at all "religious", but, in the back of my head, I thought that no matter how safe I was, Fate or the Universe or Whatever would "punish" me, for some reason...And I'd end-up in the same situation that my aunt was in: Fine...Sick...Laying in a hospital...Slowly slipping away...Then GONE!
In the few sexual experiences I've allowed myself to have, with dudes, that has ALWAYS been in the back of my mind...Guess thats why I ever "enjoyed" actually having sex. And, now I'm permanately(I think) celibate...Going on 2yrs. Cuz, let's face it...There aint no nigga out their who wants to be in a relationship with someone who's afraid to fuck or make-love or whatever.
A part of me just wants to "get over" myself and through caution to the wind...And really LIVE. But, the other part cant.
