Well, before I hopped into the shower, I was fresh off of having a VERY heavy phone convo with a friend of mine (lets call him Kev)...In which he told me that he didnt want to be refered to as just one of my buddies. And, I can understand where he's coming from...Seeing that, in the short time that we have known each other, we've become madd close intellectually & emotionally over the phone, since he's a couple states & a few hours away...I know, its a lil wierd!
We met on myspace, (I know!) , almost a year ago. I think I came across a poem in one of his blogs, liked it, and made a comment on it...And it didn't hurt that he was madd cute at the same time, LOL. So, after emailing on myspace back-&-forth, we started chating on yahoo. And, thats actually when I realized that he wasn't just a Hottie on the outside...Ole boi was smart, funny, & had a soul that just madd deep...The kinda guy I always thought I wanted.
After a few months of chatting, he was one of the first people I gave my number to when I got my new baby (my Sidekick3)...The first time we actually talked we just want on for hours...til about 7am (saturday nite-sunday morn.). That sort of became our lil "thing", since we both kept VERY different hours during the week (he worked all day...I'm in school all day & at work all nite til 3am)...And still kinda is. But, after a while, I just grew outta that lil "crush" I had on Kev the more we got to know each other...And then, in my head, he just became a good friend.
Fast Foward to when he starts opening his heart to me, and telling me that he's not exactly "over" the lil crush we had on each other...He knows that we're just friends, but he has one problem: I wont open-up to him like he does with me.
My first thought: "THIS is why I never dated much less got into a "relationship" with a nigga!" "I dont do "domestic" shyt!"
Actually, I dont & cant get close to or love ANYONE anymore...Tried that shyt in the past, and it always ends with LOSS and PAIN. And so, he restarted this whole convo between us a couple hours ago. I told him "Yo, I cant just change who I am." After a few more words, we got back to our "usual convo and said goodnite.
I took my shower, put on my Shea Butter, and now I'm sitting here at 6am listening to Madonna's Erotica Album...With some milk n cookies, LOL.
And it hits me like a truck: This is the lil' "dance" that Kev and I are going to keep doing for our whole friendship/relationship! Eventhough I care deeply for him, I'm going to keep hurting his feelings because I cant let him be for me what I've been for him...A shoulder, someone to trust, and someone who's "there" no matter what...A rock. But, I am who I am...and I pride myself on being stong and independant...Being a Man of Steele. He knows that, and is just gonna have to realize that it is what it is...And, hopefully be happy with what we already have.
When I hear/play the song above (Bad Girl by. Madonna), it makes me think about myself...And how I always end up hurting the one's I care about the most...Family, friends, whoever. Yea...I'm really that screwed.
DAMN!! Its 7am and the sun's up...Lemme take my ass to BED!! LMAO!!
~1~ ;-)
3 comments:
It sounds to me like your friend is hurting himself. It seems like you are a pretty up-front person in where you are at right now regarding relationships. So, if you are sharing your feelings with someone right from the start and that other person is being respectful of you then they should not try to make you feel bad that you aren't ready for what they are. One of the biggest problems I think when it comes to forming ANY type of bond with somebody is that people do not really listen when you try to tell them something that they do'nt want to hear.You're not hurting him...HE is trying to push you into something HE wants from you that you seem not ready to give. It's a manipulation tactic that we all try to use sometimes when we want something SO badly. Try to explain to him that if he cares about YOU then he need to see you as you really are. I think maybe he's trying to make you be what he needs and that hardly EVER works out favorably. I believe that truly good relationships of any kind happen when we just let them be what they ARE instead of trying to push, pull, stretch, shrink, and shove them into what we want them to be.Good luck and I hope things go great for you. You seem like a great person by what I've read so far. It's been nice running into you today.Take care
GREAT! post, I can relate to it from Kev's side.
Its good dat u didnt let his guilt get 2 u. I have tried dat in da past. LOL. It didnt work. Just try 2 be a good friend 2 him, and if that aint enough, he gone have 2 bounce. It would be a long distance relationship, anyway, so it prolly wouldnt have wprked. Im not sayin u shouldnt do a LDR, but at least let da person be 1 state away. LOL.
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