Friday, November 23, 2007

He's Single! He's Sexy!....He's Celibate.

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A Few Things About Me:

  1. I'm 21.
  2. In school.
  3. I've never "dated" or done a "relationship".
  4. I've been celibate for almost 2yrs.
  5. In the few time's that I've "experiemented" with sex, in the past, I didn't "enjoy" it.

I'm hoping this is not going to be one of those "ramble-a-thons", that go on in my head, whenever think about this "issue" of mine or whenever I'm attracted to a guy, LOL.

I'm gonna pull a Hiro Nakamura, and go back about 11-12 years, to where the "root" of this "issue" of mine started. My memory is madd fuzzy when it comes to my childhood...You know how things just blend together, as we get older and experience more. So, bare with me here.

I was either 9 or 10 when one of my aunts(grandma's lil' sis) come into the picture. I think my grandma & her sister had lost touch with each other, and, at this point, reconnected after Grand took a trip to DC to visit. Anyway, this aunt decided to move to our city, to be closer to her newly rediscovered family. I somewhat remember her. But, from what my mom & fam have told me, she was pretty much a free spirit and artistic...I partly remember that too. Anyway, after she moved to where we were, my mom told me that my new aunt had something called Full-Blown AIDS.

Since I was a shorty at the time, I didnt really "know" exactly what AIDS was, or what it really had to do with my fun new aunt...I remember that she was really skinny and had a deep-dark complexion. I just assumed that that was just how she always was...Ya know?

Now, that I think about it, this is also where my hate/fear of Hospitals began...But, I'll get to that another time.

Anyway, I remember my mom driving her to the doctor a lot. I dont know exactly how long my aunt was with us...A year maybe less. But, all-of-a-sudden, during the winter (I remember their was snow), my aunt got sick and had to go to the Hospital for pneumonia. I thought she had a bad flu, and she'd be outta there when she got better. But, little did I know, that we would have to visit her almost everyday, and see her get worst...Basically watching her die!

I remember going to visit, with my mom, and smelling that HORRIBLE smell that Hospitals have...Ugh! That whole "sterile" smell! And, I think we had to go to the Hospice or AIDS Wing of the Hospital...I dunno! But, it was terrible...Watching someone that you love, who JUST came into your life, slowly slip away...And there's nothing to do to stop it from happening...No matter how many cards, how many flowers, and how prayers...It wasnt enough to make her magically better, like I hoped it would.

I dunno how long it was, that she was in the hospital...Two weeks maybe less? But, I know my mom came to me and told me that Aunte Pat had died. I dont really remember how I handled that, at 9 or 10, but I didnt know what the Hell to think...Someone that a cared deeply for was here, got the flu (I thought), and was supposed to magically get better...And now I'm hearing that she's just...GONE!

I guess we all really do deal things in our own different way. After my aunts death, my mom went to classes, seminars, programs, or whatever to educate herself about HIV/AIDS...She even got a "certificate" or some kinda paper for HIV/AIDS awareness. Me, on the other hand, found-out that AIDS came from having sex...I didnt know what "sex" really was at that time, but, I told myself that "I'm NEVER having sex!"...All I could think about was how sick my aunt got and how she died. When I got a lil' older, I learned about safe-sex and stds...But, I was still scared & stayed a virgin until I got outta High School.

When I was a teenager, I found-out how my aunt contracted AIDS...When she lived in DC, she was attacked and raped. The attacker had AIDS and gave it to her! That was only one of the moments that I started losing faith in society...Yea, I'm a really cynical nigga.

At around 18-19 I realized I was all Homo, LOL....It's stupid now, but, when I was in high school, I just thought I was going through a "phase". Anyway, after all that, my fear got a lil' worst. I'm not at all "religious", but, in the back of my head, I thought that no matter how safe I was, Fate or the Universe or Whatever would "punish" me, for some reason...And I'd end-up in the same situation that my aunt was in: Fine...Sick...Laying in a hospital...Slowly slipping away...Then GONE!

In the few sexual experiences I've allowed myself to have, with dudes, that has ALWAYS been in the back of my mind...Guess thats why I ever "enjoyed" actually having sex. And, now I'm permanately(I think) celibate...Going on 2yrs. Cuz, let's face it...There aint no nigga out their who wants to be in a relationship with someone who's afraid to fuck or make-love or whatever.

A part of me just wants to "get over" myself and through caution to the wind...And really LIVE. But, the other part cant.

I'm Just Screwed!

Sunday, November 18, 2007

I Always Hurt the One's I Love Most...Without Even Knowing It!!

Well, before I hopped into the shower, I was fresh off of having a VERY heavy phone convo with a friend of mine (lets call him Kev)...In which he told me that he didnt want to be refered to as just one of my buddies. And, I can understand where he's coming from...Seeing that, in the short time that we have known each other, we've become madd close intellectually & emotionally over the phone, since he's a couple states & a few hours away...I know, its a lil wierd!

We met on myspace, (I know!) , almost a year ago. I think I came across a poem in one of his blogs, liked it, and made a comment on it...And it didn't hurt that he was madd cute at the same time, LOL. So, after emailing on myspace back-&-forth, we started chating on yahoo. And, thats actually when I realized that he wasn't just a Hottie on the outside...Ole boi was smart, funny, & had a soul that just madd deep...The kinda guy I always thought I wanted.

After a few months of chatting, he was one of the first people I gave my number to when I got my new baby (my Sidekick3)...The first time we actually talked we just want on for hours...til about 7am (saturday nite-sunday morn.). That sort of became our lil "thing", since we both kept VERY different hours during the week (he worked all day...I'm in school all day & at work all nite til 3am)...And still kinda is. But, after a while, I just grew outta that lil "crush" I had on Kev the more we got to know each other...And then, in my head, he just became a good friend.

Fast Foward to when he starts opening his heart to me, and telling me that he's not exactly "over" the lil crush we had on each other...He knows that we're just friends, but he has one problem: I wont open-up to him like he does with me.

My first thought: "THIS is why I never dated much less got into a "relationship" with a nigga!" "I dont do "domestic" shyt!"

Actually, I dont & cant get close to or love ANYONE anymore...Tried that shyt in the past, and it always ends with LOSS and PAIN. And so, he restarted this whole convo between us a couple hours ago. I told him "Yo, I cant just change who I am." After a few more words, we got back to our "usual convo and said goodnite.

I took my shower, put on my Shea Butter, and now I'm sitting here at 6am listening to Madonna's Erotica Album...With some milk n cookies, LOL.

And it hits me like a truck: This is the lil' "dance" that Kev and I are going to keep doing for our whole friendship/relationship! Eventhough I care deeply for him, I'm going to keep hurting his feelings because I cant let him be for me what I've been for him...A shoulder, someone to trust, and someone who's "there" no matter what...A rock. But, I am who I am...and I pride myself on being stong and independant...Being a Man of Steele. He knows that, and is just gonna have to realize that it is what it is...And, hopefully be happy with what we already have.

When I hear/play the song above (Bad Girl by. Madonna), it makes me think about myself...And how I always end up hurting the one's I care about the most...Family, friends, whoever. Yea...I'm really that screwed.

DAMN!! Its 7am and the sun's up...Lemme take my ass to BED!! LMAO!!

~1~ ;-)

Saturday, November 17, 2007

Like A Virgin. (aka My First Blog)

Well, I guess I should make my 1st post an introductory one.

SideNote: I'm trying this whole "thing" out to see how much I like it...So I'm still goning to be "tweaking" things as I go along. I owe a good chunk of my inspiration to the other blogs that I've started to read (check "My Fav Places" link). I was first gonna try this on Myspace...Then I thought "Ugh...Seriously?!?" So, now I'm on here...Wish me luck!

As most of you already know, I'm RocaFella07 or just plain Roc. I'm also 21, a Scorpio, likes long walks on the beach, sunrises, and puppies...LMFAO!! Naw, I'm mos def not a Scorpio, and if I go walking on a beach here, in Chicago, I'll most likely get a broken bottle stuck in my foot...Seriously!! But, I do love looking over the skyline of the city and walking through Millennium Park (Damn!! that place was BEAUTIFUL over the summer.)

So yea, I'm Single in the City...Permanatly, I think. And, since I'm a lil bit of a comic-geek, most of the time I refer to Chi-City as Metropolis...This has a few meanings behind it, one being that Clark Kent came from something small and became Superman after moving to Metropolis, LOL. I know, it's madd stupid...But it's one of my "things", LOL.

Ok, that's enough of the "me me me"...My 1st non-intro blog is coming up later. Right now I'm bout to finish watching the 300th episode of MadTV...LOL!!

Oh, and I just wanna let EVERYONE know that my blog is OPEN...Meaning that any/all comments & questions are more than welcome.

~1~ ;-)

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