Friday, December 12, 2008

Cautionary Tales: #1 - The Chatline Is Not A "Hot" Line

September 2005

At this time, I was nineteen years old, and one month into my freshmen year. I was new to Chicago, and didn't really know much about the city yet to know where to go on a boring Friday night. I was in my dorm, and in the midst of my boredom, while laying in bed on my laptop, I pulled out my cell phone, and decided to call the local Homo Chatline. A number which I got off of some website.

When I called, I played around a little bit, listening to the voice recordings of various guys, some "thugs", giving their stats, what they were looking for, and whatever-the-fuck else they wanted to say. You see, this is where things got kind of interesting. I came across the voice recording of a cute-SOUNDING guy, who was bored, and only seeking conversation. I sent him a message, he sent one back, and, voila, we were in our own private "room" within the Chatline.

Sidebar: For the sake of conversation, lets call this guy "Dexter"....As in poindexter....Get IN!

We talked for all of 20 minutes, before exchanging numbers. I thought this guy sounded like such a prettyboy. And, that's exactly what he "gave" me through the phone. In the midst of our lengthily conversation, we agreed to meet-up and hangout the next day. I felt, given how our connection was made, that there was a 50/50 chance that this guy could be the next Hannibal Lecter. I wasn't about to be stupid, so, I chose a nice public area for our meeting. This place was Millenium Park, in downtown Chicago.

Throughout that Saturday, we texted here-and-there just to check-in with each other. Evening came, and it was time to meet. I called him to figure out how long it would be before we should make our way downtown. Since he was fairly close to our destination, I made my way to the train heading to The Loop.

When I finally reached downtown, I stopped at 7-Eleven to pick up some gum. I mean, I can't just meet some cute guy without making sure I'm "minty fresh" first. While downtown, I called Dexter(19) to ask where he was. He was not only in the area, he was on his way to our destination. I followed suit, and was on my way to Millinum Park to meet Dexter the prettyboy.

I got to the Park, called Dexter again, and he informed me of what he was wearing. I looked around, and, alas, I spotted a guy in the outfit that Dexter described. But, the guy in front of me wasn't the "prettyboy" I imagined him to be from the phone. This guy was chubby, wore coke-bottle glasses in semi-stylish frames, was kind of nasal when he talked in person, and was just all-around unattractive to me.

I immediately went into panic mode. What to do, what to do?? I didn't want to be rude, or, an asshole, and hurt this guys feelings. So, I decided to turn a lemon into a lemon martini, and figured that I'd just befriend Dexter. Good idea, right?

Anyway, determined to be strictly platonic, I continued walking around the park, chatting with Dexter, and trying not to notice how he was staring and drooling at me. It was kind of dark out, and, I could help but let my mind wonder to the fact of how romantic this little evening stroll would've been if I were with my "Mr. Right". Dexter was tired of walking around, so we sit on a nearby bench to take in the scenery. Not five seconds later, he was "schooching" closer to me, and putting his hand on my knee. The child was trying it!

Luckily, I noticed a few rabbits running around a bush across from us. I sprang up and made a comment about what I saw. He got up too, and stood close to me. While standing, and inch from my face, Dexter asked if he could KISS me. I froze for a moment, swallowed, took a breath, and uttered " can.". And, with that, the beast known as Dexter proceeded to maul a young Rocafella in the most sloppiest manner. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love being the RIGHT guy, in the RIGHT way. I mean, the boy didn't even know how kiss. And then, he had the balls to get all touchy-feely, and groped my ass.

Post lip-lock, Dexter stood grinning from ear-to-ear. While I stood there feeling somewhat like a "pro". Yes, I half expected him to pull a Ben Franklin out of his wallet, and hand it to me. We walked around for a few more minutes before I came up with an excuse for needing to cut our time short. We exchanged "goodbye's", and I told Dexter that I would call him when I got back to my dorm....But, I didn't.

What did I learn from this experience?

  • Just because he has a cute phone-voice, doesn't always mean he's a
    cute guy.

  • The Chatline is not the "hot" line (stay turned).

  • Venues, like the Chatline, are purely for entertainment purposes.


Tuesday, December 2, 2008

One Year Later...

Its been one whole year since I began my journey into the Blogsphere. And, now I'm comfortable with officially calling myself a Blogger.

I also want to thank all of my fellow Bloggers and recreational readers for reading my blog, and for sticking with me through all this time. I especially want to thank those of you who take the time to leave comments. That means the world to me. I love getting feedback, your opinions, your ideas, thoughts, and criticisms. I value it all, so much, because it lets me know that I'm not as alone, in my thinking, as I thought I was.

I have a few things on the horizon, when it comes to the Blog. One of which is a new series of posts called...Cautionary Tales. I'm in the middle of writing/drafting #1, right now. I expect to have it out either at the end of this week or next Monday.

Thank you all, again, for sticking with me this long!


Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Labels, Labels, Labels!...And The Fuckery They Bring.

So, I've been wondering for the longest, what's the fucking deal Gay men and labels, when it comes to each other? I seem to only run into guys who are stuck on labels, for themselves, as well as other men. Meaning, the whole "Top", "Bottom", "Versitile", "Versitile-Top", and "Versitile-Bottom" label thing that it seems most Gays like to use for, and on, each other.

Personally, I've never been into the lable thing. I don't use any of the previously used labels to describe myself nor do I use them when looking for a boyfriend, date, etc. Even on my Adam4Adam and BGC profiles, I don't have anything listed under my "position". Also, while online looking at various profiles or pages, I don't use a guy's listed "position" to detemine whether or not I'm going to send him a message. In my rational; if I think he's hot, I like the content in his profile, and if his dimensions line-up, I send a message.

Lately, I've been coming across guys who are hung-up on labels. Heartbreaker was(is) hungup on being a "Top". So much so, that he lets it affect his relationship and dating choices. One of his friends even told me that Heartbreaker needs to be with a guy who's a "Strict Bottom". What the fuck is a "Strict" bottom??

And then there's this new shorty I've been talking to. We met online, one Sunday night, while I was in the middle of getting ready to go out. Since he happend to live in my neighborhood, I decided to take a small detour by his place on my way to original my destination. I got to his apartment, and was kind of surprized by how much of a cutie he was. Since he didn't have a face pic online, but, a nice body pic, I expected a "butta-face". But, hey, I was going in that direction for the train anyway, so, why not make a small pit stop?

Anyway, we met, hangout in his place, talked for about thirty minutes, and said our goodbye's. In our time together, nothing remotely sexual happened between us. Which was nice since we were just trying to get to know each other. Besides, he's cute, he's nice, he's smart, but, he's not really my "type" body wise.

A few minutes later, after I left, we ended up having an exchange, which he initiated, via text, as follows;

Dude: "Hey. Can I ask you somethin'?"

Roc: "Yeah, what is it?"

Dude: "Are you a top or a bottom?"

Roc: "LOL!"

Dude: "Top...u must be verz then."

Roc: "yea, I guess. Lol."

Next afternoon, while I'm on the bus, he texts me with some type of fuckery.

Dude: "If you had to choose, to get fucked or do the fucking, for the rest of your life, which would you choose?"

Roc: "LOL! What kinda question is that?"

Dude: "Just answer it."

Roc: "Lmao!"

Dude: "I'm a top, so its obvious what I choose. Just pick one."

Roc: "Why do I have to choose one?"

Dude: "I'll give u some time to think about it..."

Roc: "I don't need time to think. Lol!...why is it such a big deal?"

Sidebar: I didn't even really like this guy "all like that". He's cute, but, not really my type. So, I don't even know why I continued with this text fuckery for as long as I did. I think it was a combination of personal boredom mixed with the fact that I like a little comfrontation from time-to-time.

Dude: "Bcuz I need to know what's goin' on if we get into a relationship..."

Roc: "I guess."

Long story, short, we had a little text argument about how I can't date nor be involved with guys who are hungup on labels. He defended himself. We went back and forth on the issue. And, then we basically agreed to disagree.

Anyway, I hate running into guys who are hungup on labels. Not only for themselves, but, for other gay males. I've noticed that our Lesbian counterparts don't seem to have the problem in their community. And, they seem to have great fufilling relationships, without letting labels control their lives.

When are Gay men going to stop being such Label Whores?


Wednesday, November 19, 2008

The Naughty Boy Tour: Weekend #1

**Listening To**
"Mannequin" by. Britney Spears

Friday night, the Naughty Boy went to the club, got slightly drunk, and
got three numbers. One came from a semi-cute older dude (who I won't be
entertaining) that kept insisting on me taking his number, one came from a
hot little freak with a nice little muscular frame, and the other was
from a sexy military boy.

Saturday night, the Naughty Boy went to...A sex party! But, due to how
incredibly lame it was, I ended up leaving. I mean, who wants to attend
a "party" where their the ONLY good-looking person there? No offense,
but, middle-aged out-of-shape men DON'T turn me on.

More to come...


Tuesday, November 4, 2008


*Listening To*

"Bad Girl" by. Danity Kane
"Sophisticated Lady" by. Mya
"Blindfold Me" by. Kelis
"Dirrty" by. Christina Aguilera

So, my last entry was written while I was an emotional mess (what's new?). I've been thinking and marinating since then. And, I'm not becoming an "escort" or anything of that nature. But, my cloths will be coming off more freely now. I'm still sick and tired of being a "good" guy and getting fucked over because of it. So, I've decided to work on becoming a Naughty Boy instead.

I wonder how long the Naughty Boy Tour of 2008- will last?


Wednesday, October 22, 2008



I'm angry. I've been angry for awhile now. I want to be someone else...someone completely different altogether. I was thinking, at work, about why I'm so unsuccessful in the "relations" department. And, I realized that the one unchanged constant is...ME, Myself, and I. I'm the thing that's wrong.

Up until this point, being Me and being the "good" guy has gotten nothing but a broken heart, being "played", and alone. It was Me who wasn't enough for Cool and Heartbreaker . Its Me who doesn't deserve to be happy with anyone. Its Me who's never good enough for anyone. Its Me who isn't good enough to be "loved" by anyone. And, I'm tired of it. I'm tired of being Me. So, I need to be Someone else...opposite of the "good" guy.

I need to become someone who's always wanted, desired, and lusted after. I need to be someone who uses-up men, then spits them out. I need be one-dimensional, a freak, and a 24/7 walking sex object....after all, that's what men want, right? Well, that's going to be the new "Me". And, there's no more "freebies" when it comes to dealing with men...its pay-2-play for now on.

Also, I'm looking into going in the stripping profession.



Monday, October 13, 2008

On The Horizon...

Next month (mid-November) is going to be the One Year Anniversary of my Blog/Journal. Its amazing how fast time can go by.

At work, the other night, thinking randomly when an idea popped into my head. So, November will not only usher in the anniversary of my Blog, at will also be the introduction of a new category.

What is this new category called?...."Cautionary Tales".

What will "Cautionary Tales" consist of?....My hookup horror stories and other bad experiences when it come to dealing with the same sex . Yes, I have a few from the past (pre-celibacy) and a few from present day, so far. I've just been figuring out how and to write them.

Why exactly are these Cautionary Tales?.....Because, from each "tale", I've learned a valuable lesson, and, I'm hoping that others will too.

Are you ready?


Thursday, October 9, 2008

One Good Buddy

So, there's a new person in my life. Lets call him...The Rookie. He's not really a "friend"...more like a buddy...a Cuddle buddy. But, with less cuddling (if any), and more kissing.

Rookie is 20, cute, and basically just started "messing around" with guys...hence, the name "Rookie". We met a few weeks ago at a club (a 21+ club) when his only "gay" friend came and talked me because Rookie was too shy. We exchanged numbers, talked later that night, and decided to hangout for a little bit that next day.

Rookie isn't really "boyfriend" material for me. He's not "out" and he's going through that whole period of trying to figure out his sexuality. But, he's a good, sweet guy, and I don't mind giving him a place where he can feel comfortable. And, to also educate his ass....because the boy knows NOTHING.

Anyway, the first time he came over, we just chilled and talked for a little bit. We made-out before he left, and that was the start of our "cuddle buddy" relationship. The last two times he came over (a total of three so far), have been white hot. We might not have "sex" sex, but, we definitely get things "popping" on the Oral tip (pun lightly intended). Basically, we have a ton of foreplay and affection and 69-ing jacking off...which is great! Its actually very hot. There's this whole "thing" of us feeding off of each other's sexual energy.

Anyway, after the cum stops flying, he cleans up and casually leaves like a criminal fleeing a crime scene...which, for some reason, is alright with me. I mean, he gives me what I need for the time being and leaves. There's no attitude, no strings. He's the perfect man...right? Except when he spills his "baby batter" on my BLACK blanket.

On one hand, I feel some kind of empowerment. Being in control of what happens, teasing all those special "spots", and being able to make someone go absolutely wild with ecstasy is a pretty damn good feeling. On the other hand, I can't help but feel somewhat hooker-esque (which I don't mind & think is kind of hot). I mean, for some reason, he reminds me of a "John" who's all tense at first because he's not sure of how things are supposed to go. But, when things get started, and he's gotten to his comfort zone, the freak comes out.

Either way, this is all very interesting to me. And, I think that everyone should experience this type of dynamic with someone, it some point in their life.


Saturday, September 27, 2008

Doomed: A History Lesson

*Listening To*
"It's All Over but the Crying (Remix)" by. Garbage

I've always know this, deep down, but now I actually have conformation. I'm 22yrs, and I've never dated anyone, never been in a relationship, never had boyfriend, and I've never really "talked" to a guy for more than week. And, I've come to realize that things are going this way for the rest of my life...22, 32, 42, 52, etc.

How did I come to realize this? Well, I've been thinking...which is basically a coin-toss of whether or not something good might come from it. Anyway, I've been thinking, marinating with my thoughts, and thinking of questions for my "research" into my family's past...and my future.

And what does it all come back to? Genetics.

While in thought, I started to trace things and put things together and connect the dots. I wanted to know why I can't seem to even develop healthy relationships much less be involved in one. So, I started with the small family that I do have left. So, there's my Nana (67), my Grandfather (65), my Uncle (47), and my Aunt (41).

As far as I know, Nana's only been in one big relationship...with the father of her children (grandpa)...who she divorced back in the 70s. And, there's been NOBODY else since then. Grandfather has had continuous whatevers with women who use him. Uncle is in his forties, has a career in charity work, and alone. And, Aunt (the fag hag) is also in her forties, man-less, and has never had a successful relationship.

After going through everyone's situation, I started to think: What about my Mother? Granted, she died when she was 35, but she was a lot different from everyone else in our family, and remember her dating or seeing someone when I was a kid. Which leads me to one of the most awkward and weirdest conversations I've ever had to have...I was forced to call Nana and ask her about my mom's (her daughter's) romantic life.

Here's how THAT went:

Ya ya ya...Blah blah blah...

Roc: "So, did my mom ever have any successful relationships?"

Nana: "What? Did you want to know if your mother ever had sexual relations?"

Sidebar: Oh god, kill me now. I did NOT ask you THAT grandma! Granted, I had just gotten off the subway, and there was a considerable amount of background noise on my end...but still, that whole exchange was just something that should never have happened!

Roc: "No! Did my mom ever have any SUCCESSFUL relationships?!"

Nana: "Oh!...SUCCESSFUL relationships."

Roc: " dating or long-term relationships."

Nana: "Well, I don't think she really "dated" anyone. But, she "saw"

Nana: "I guess her relationship with your father was successful...right?"

Roc: "Ummm NO! Not at all!"

Sidebar: Really Nana!? You consider THAT to be a "successful" relationship!? So, I guess my mom's only "real" relationship involved having an accident-kid with a guy who cheated on her and brought needless drama into her life, until she cut ties with him? Seriously!?! This is the kind of fucked up thinking doesn't surprise me at all.

Anyway, during our conversation, I realized that its all GENETIC. One of the main reasons why I left,a few years ago, was because I didn't want to end up like the rest of my family. But, I realize, now, that I'll never be happy with anyone. I'll never be able to have anything close to a "healthy" relationship with a guy, because its not in my DNA. And, even if I ever come close to having something "serious", with someone, I'm pretty sure I'll fuck things up somehow.

I guess Shirley Manson was right...Certain things DO turn ugly, when you think too hard.


Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Just A Few Things...9-10-2008

  • I hate having to make that first physical move, with a makes me feel kind of slutty...or predatoryal, I guess? I just don't want to initiate something, and get shut down...I'd rather have it be the other way around.

  • Cosmo's have a way of making me, ummm, "frisky" I guess? One, and I become the worlds biggest flirt. A few, and I might think I'm Britney in the "Gimme More" video.

  • The fuckery known as Men: I hate men...who expect to get Oral (a blow job) without having to return the damn favor. I mean, you'll let me ride your face (which does NOTHING for me), but you won't suck my damn dick?...I can't be bothered!


Wednesday, September 3, 2008


My Initial Reaction To This: "Oh, no ma'am!"

I was in the store, Saturday, picking up some things. And, what did I come across at the checkout counter?...THIS magazine!

Since when did Politicians, other than the President, become Celebrities?...Seriously!?

And, when did Tabloids decide to create fake drama between those in the political arena?

It must have been a slow news week in Hollywood.


Friday, August 29, 2008


I can't believe there's only four months left to the year. Where did all the time go?

In eight months, I've been out with only three guys, and had two "REAL" dates...which ALL failed to produce anything. I fell in love with, and got my heart broken by, someone who wouldn't even give me the time of day...who's now in a relationship with someone else.

The fall semester started this week, and, even though I'm taking a lighter class load, I'm already tired from all the "first week" running around shit.

I'm so glad that a three-day weekend is coming up.


Thursday, August 14, 2008


I've felt like an emotional wreck for the past few weeks.

The past weekend just left me feeling a lot of things. I spent my past few Satuday nites at home, instead of going out to anything or meet anyone. I just don't have anyone to go anywhere with...but, I shouldn't let that stop me.

I'm no longer in "love" with Heartbreaker, after the past weekend. He can be kind of an asshole at times...but, I still, and will probably always, like him...Well, like the sweet guy he likes to hide from everyone. But, I also realized that there really can't be anything romantic for least not for now. I'm over that whole deal. But, I'm cool with us being buddies or whatever. Its BEEN time for me to move on. And, I need to get back out there and go back to meeting new people and having new experiences.

On my ride home from work tonight, I listened to "Love Ridden" by Fiona Apple.


Friday, August 8, 2008

Is He..."Sponge-Worthy"?

Recently, I've trying the whole "hookup" thing, for the first time...Without there being actual "sex" involved. And, yes, I realize that I'm somewhat having rebound issues from the whole Heartbreaker fiasco, seeing that I've never been into "hooking up" with random guys from online (nothing against those who enjoy it).
In season 7 episode 9 of Seinfeld, the character Elaine ran into quite the dilemma. Her main, and favorite, form of birth control was a Sponge product (I'll let you guys use your imaginations to figure out how this product is used). The problem was, the company that made this product was in the midst of discontinuing it. This leads Elaine, who looked all over the city in various Drug Store's with no avail, to buy the last CASE of Sponges from the only store she could find that still carried them. After this, she had to enact a sort of screening process for her sexual partners...To make sure they were "sponge-worthy". Because, lets face it, she had the LAST case of these things, which means that she couldn't just waste them anymore.
For myself, the case of Sponges represents my body, my time, and my sex. I guess, being celibate for going on three years, has taught me to really value my Sexual Self, and to only give my sex to people who are truly deserving of it. After all, not everyone gets to ride the sports car (Jaguar) known as Me. And, being Sponge worthy doesn't only apply to sexual partners. It also applies to potential boyfriends, significant others, etc.
Anyway, the main reason why things didn't go the sex route, in said hookup, is because I realized that the guy wasn't "sponge-worthy" (and, he wasn't Heartbreaker). Hell, he wasn't even really one of my "types". Don't get me wrong, he was actually a really cool and nice guy. But, I just couldn't envision us together...which kills the whole fantasy component of the hookup for me. And, when I asked if he had any Lube, he directed me to damn bottle of LOTION!...I just can't deal with a "grown" man who gives me that kind of fuckery. I mean, I don't even MASTURBATE with lotion.
I also realized, from this encounter, that their might actually need to be a "connection" or "spark" or "vibe" between me and a guy, in order for me to be sexual with a guy, and actually enjoy it. So, there goes the "meaningless sex" card...out of my deck and into the fire.
As for me, for a man to be considered sponge-worthy or boyfriend material, there's actually a small list of qualifications. The main one, being that I need to be able to "see" myself with the guy in question. If I can realistically "see" myself kissing, cuddling, etc, with said guy, then I could very well consider him being sponge-worthy.
Do we all have our own version of Elaine's "sponge-worthy" concept?

Thursday, July 31, 2008

Oh Honey, We're All "Working" Girls.

Lately, I've been referring to myself as a "working" girl. And, referring to guys who look at me, and like what they see, as potential "customers".
No, I'm not a hooker, escort, sex worker, or whatever name you might fancy. And, what I'm talking about has nothing to do with any monetary. But, I'm not only a Single Man...I'm a Single Person living in the damn city. And, recently, I've noticed (as a Single myself) that we (within the Single sub-culture) market or display ourselves, hoping to find that ultimate "customer" (boyfriend/girlfriend) who will like what they see and want to buy what we are selling.
Just think about it. Men, Women, Gay, or Straight, it doesn't matter. We all have been, or still are, Single, and on "display". Most Singles make sure they're extra "fly" before leaving the house. Men might don that special "smell-good" that drives the Men/Women wild. Women do the same thing. But, in a Woman's case, she might add those "fuck me" pumps, a mask of makeup, cute nails, etc.

We go out to bars, clubs, parties, even shopping, as walking spokesmodels showing off the merchandise known as...Ourselves.

For example, while grocery shopping, last week, I picked up a "customer". I was in the frozen foods section, this guy (who's not really my type) liked what he saw, and he decided to approach me. Basically, he liked what I was selling, and wanted to be a potential "customer".

Now, personally, when I'm out-n-about, I like to sell a kind of sex appeal...mainly because I'm somewhat of a tease, somewhat of a flirt, and I like validation from others. But, back to my point, as a Single I'm putting out that special Single "vibe" and displaying my merchandise, hoping that another Hot Single will want to buy what I'm selling. And, there's a Single out there hoping that I might want to buy what he's also selling.

There's a reason why its called being "on the market".

I'm sure you've seen it. Those who finally land that ultimate "customer" might stop caring a tab less about their appearance and giving off a certain vibe. This is because they no longer have to display themselves for potential "customers". They already have what they want, so, why over-advertise?

Also, Singles have to carry the weight of wearing two hats, so to speak. Both as the "working" person and as a potential "customer". We might be out there selling a product, but, we're also looking to buy that similar product of a fellow "working" person. Hell, why do you think Singles Parties were such a huge success not too long ago? And, don't even get me started on the whole Club Scene.

Do you have the "working" girl mentality?

Well, I know I do.


Thursday, July 17, 2008

A Mid-Summer Night's Fuckery.

***Listening To***
"Bathwater" by. No Doubt

This past weekend was certainly a memorable one, to say the least. Its not every Saturday night that I get my heart semi-broken, by the first guy that I've ever had feelings for. This is also the same guy that could have seen myself falling in love with and having a great relationship with, in the future. Here's the kicker; A part of me hasn't threw that little ball of hope out the window yet.

Let me explain...

I met this guy a few weeks ago....Lets call him "Heartbreaker". We talked for a little bit, and then we went out on a really special date...or, so I thought, seeing that it was his birthday and all. Our first date was actually the best I've had so far. We went to dinner at a nice restaurant. We had a fabulously romantic little stroll downtown, complete with lots of PDA (as you know, I LOVE being romantic). All the while, our chemistry was mixing so if we were sort of meant for each other. In fact, Heartbreaker is the total package. He's everything that I look for in a man. He's sweet, honest (I like that he doesn't sugar-coat everything), smart, charismatic, relationship oriented (so I thought) and, it doesn't hurt that he happens to be quite the looker. All of those qualities are the things that make him sexy to me. Hell, over dinner he talked about how he wants to start a family and start having kids when he's in his thirties.

Sidebar: Heartbreaker recently got out of a two-year relationship with someone who he was planning a wedding with...that was until he found out that his supposed future husband was CHEATING on him.

Anyway, we ended up back at his place, where we hung out, talked, drank, played with & walked his doggy (he's such a good father and they are too cute together), made out passionately (don't get me started on how much I loved kissing him & how I've never experienced that kind of passion JUST by kissing before), cuddled, had some foreplay, and fell asleep in each others arms. It all felt so perfect and natural...Even down to his doggy climbing into bed with us while we slept.

Waking up with Heartbreaker felt so...right. I could actually see us dating and, down the line, moving into the long-term relationship zone. Of course, everything isn't all perfect, and I would have to get use to. Like, the fact that in Chicago's small Black Gay community, a lot of people know who he is...either from his two jobs or from him being in the Ballroom scene. He's also what I would call a "Club Queen" (meaning, he clubs a lot). And, he's somewhat of a party boy. These are all things that I'm ok with, seeing that they are just a part of who he is. Another thing I thought was "cute" about us is that he's such a social butterfly...which I'm so not. I thought it would be one those cute little dynamics we could have in a relationship.

Also, after we awoke, we had a little making-out and mutual masturbation "session" (as he later calls it) before we left his place. Which was one of the most passionate thing I've experienced.

A part of me thought (and might still think) that he could possibly be the Willow to my Tara.

So, after our fantabulus date, for the past weeks, I've been trying to arrange a second date...Which hasn't been easy, seeing that our work schedules conflict. Well, this past Saturday, we were finally able to meet up after he got off work. Which was great, seeing that I was looking to get "fucked-up" and have fun that night.

I came off the subway, in Boystown, to be greeted by Heartbreaker, his doggy, and two of his friends...One of which, come to find out later, is ALSO trying to date Heartbreaker. The way he greeted me was a little odd. It wasn't the way one greets someone who they're "dating". It just a cute little friendly hug. After which, he introduced me to his two friends.

Once we got our drinks together, we walked around and just hung out. While we were walking around, someone who knows Heartbreaker made a nice little comment about him "cruising" with his doggy. Which made me comment. Which lead him to say..."I still consider myself to be single." This wasn't a problem for me, since I only considered us to be dating.

Cut to us, 20mins later, walking around together, me making the romantic gester of holding Heartbreakers' hand, one of the "friends" who was with us breaking our connection and getting into Heartbreakers' face, and me wondering WTF. While this little situation is cooling, he explains to me that the "friend" who nearly chewed his face off ALSO likes him and is ALSO trying to date him. (I know...its madd shady, right?). He then informs me that he's ONLY wants to have friends right now.

Fast forward to 4AM-ish, where Heartbreaker and I (drunk off our asses) are standing by one of his friends' car, talking bout "us", our huge attraction to each other, why we like each other, how sexy he thinks I am, me explaining how I'm into him because of what he has "up stairs" instead of what's in his pants, and the issues or technicalities that might stand in our way. His main point was that we are physically, emotionally, and intellectually perfect for each other. But, sexually, there might be a problem. We might end up having to wrestle for the "Top" position, since he can't be, and I might not be able to be, as versatile as one might need the other to be. And, he didn't want to lead me on to believe that he could be on the "receiving" end, as much as I might need him to be.

I hate technical difficulties! And, I might be new to all this man-2-man dating/relationship shit, but I don't care about all that "technical" bullshit. I'm open-minded enough to at least see that there's a possibility that we can compromise and just iron-out this "technical" shit as we go along. Am I being to head-strong?

He also made the argument that, since our energy together is so good (other than the"technicality), we might be great as friends. But, how can I JUST be friends with someone who I can imagine waking up next to and looking into their eyes and finding solace in their lips?

We came to the conclusion that we need to sit down one day, when weer both sober, and figure things out. After this, Heartbreaker walked me to the train, hugged me, I got on, and rode home...Eyes full of water, puffy, and fighting back tears.

It makes sense, that, when I finally find someone who I could actually see myself building something with, something gets in the way.

Is there any cure for the Love-Lorn?


Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Best 4th Of July By Far

During the time of my most recent journal entry, I didn't really feel like being around anyone, talking to anyone, or being very "friendly" at all. Then, someone by the name of Adam B. Irby came to town with his friends and me just what I needed to lift my sprits.
Being from Jersey-2-Cleveland-2-Chicago, it was quite refreshing to have some New Yorkers around. What was even more refreshing was the fact they were such a great group of guys. They were so welcoming and fun and just cool to be around. They really made me feel like one of the "sisters" (LOL)...and the fun I had with them was the most I've had in such a long time. I just wish I would've had the chance to thank them before they left.
I also wish I had a group of friends like that, of my own, here in The Windy City.
By the way, Adam is one of the coolest guys I've ever met. And, I'm not just saying that because he was who inspired my own blog...or, because, in his words, he "birthed" me (LOL). He's the type of person that I could really see myself being all BFF with.

Wednesday, July 2, 2008


For the time being, "friends" are out, and "associates" are in.

A so-called "friend" let me down the other day. Since I've never been to a Gay Pride before, I took my ass all the up to the damn North Side (an area I'm not familiar with) to meet-up with so-called "friend" for some Gay Pride festivities. When I got all the way up there, I called him numerous times for directions to their location, he didn't answer, so I took my ass back on the train, went home, and ordered a pizza.

I got on the train, leaving the North Side, feeling like a total fool. And, hopping on a train full of Gays sporting their smiles and multi-colored beads and significant others and various other Pride goodies didn't help my mood at all. Mid-way through my solom commute back home, the so-called "friend" calls me back and gives me a semi valid excuse as to why he didn't answer when I called earlier. I didn't give a fuck about his excuse. Excuses only make me matter how valid or reasonable they are. All I know is that I want what I want...And, if I can't have it, I don't want ANYTHING at all.

In the middle of this call, I'm outside, and a fucking mini rainstorm starts...and, I'm umbrella-less, wearing shorts with no socks, and short sleeves.

So. I'm already PISSED for many reasons.

1. PISSED because I took my ass all the way to the North Side, only to be screwed-over and let-down

2. PISSED because I feel like such a fucking fool.

3. PISSED because, now, I'm soaking wet.

Then, still on the phone, "friend" hits me with this Zen shit about "taking initiative"...Oh no he didn't just try that flip-the-fucking-script shit? Well. THAT was all I needed for me to POP OFF and let him have it before his phone went out or before he hung up on me or whatever-the-fuck.

Anyway, I hit so-called "friend" up on Tuesday with a txt, asking if he was going to apologize to me. And, he said that he wasn't going to. Which means, that he's OUT...I'm done with him now.

I'm mad because I allowed myself to feel some kinda way about this whole situation...I'm getting too soft.

I have to remember and expect that people will always screw me over or let me down or disappoint me...and, THAT'S why I have to keep them at arms length.

I need to be in CONTROL...either things get done MY way, or whoever's tagging along can just get left behind.

I realized long ago that, in "friendships", I hold people to much higher expectations and standards than I myself expect to be held is what it is. Should I work on that?...whatever!

Diamonds Are Forever.


Tuesday, June 24, 2008


Information can be useful/helpful...It can also bite one in the ass, and have one wishing that he could erase what he's just learned...Not because its bad, but, because its information that should be learned gradually rather than in one large dose.

I guess, to me, information can almost like a drug...Once I've had a taste, I want more...

Will I ever stop digging?......Nah, I'm such a junkie! Pretending to be anything other would be quite the charade.


Monday, June 16, 2008


I'm afraid.

I'm afraid that when I become a police officer I won't do as good a job
as I want to do...that I'll somehow lose faith in myself because I'll
realize that I can't make a difference in people's lives.

I'm afraid that I'll remain a slave to my current job...even AFTER I
have a diploma...just out of pure fear of change.

What if I'm wrong about what I'm supposed to be doing with my life?

What if, when I reach that Fork in the Road, I unknowingly choose the
wrong direction?

I have some thinking to do.


Wednesday, June 4, 2008

Embracing Your Inner Sexpot

*Listening To*
Get Naked ( I Got A Plan) by. Britney Spears

So, I guess I took a page out of Samantha Jones' book, and had an impromptu Afternoon Delight the other day....with a guy I've only known for all of two hours. He's a classmate of mine, he's a hottie, and, he's extremely in the closet.

Anyway, we talked after class, hung out for a little bit, and then...we ended up at my house! This kind of thing NEVER happens to me. In fact, I consider myself to be quite the prude. But, Classmate is oh-so smooth with his personality, and, all-of-a-sudden we were messing around in my bed.

By "messing around", I mean we just made-out, had a little 69 action, and masturbated together. It was...interesting, to say the least.

I wouldn't have anything romantic to do with him, and, don't get me wrong, he's a nice attractive guy, but, he has this whole "on tha low" mentality which I cant be bothered with. I need to be with someone who's NOT afraid to go on a date in public, walk in the park, and all the other things that happy gay couples do together without giving a fuck, because its 2008...dammit!

I can't date a guy who feels the need to say: "This stays between us, right?" I mean, what the fuck? Who the hell are YOU?...Usher? I can't be bothered with such fuckery.

Anyhow, I left this experience feeling a kind of liberation at the fact that I even had the "professionally" or confidence to conduct a sexual liaison without there being feelings attached. I used to feel some kind of way about people who did "hook-up's" or "jump-off's". But, now, my outlook has shifted. There's nothing wrong with two grown consenting adults having a little SAFE "fun" together.

Which leads me to my point. I think its quite healthy for everyone, men and women, to every now and then, release and embrace that inner sex-kitten or sex-pot or slut or whatever you feel comfortable calling it, in a SAFE manner. Even those in relationships can practice this with their partner. I guess, for the couples, it would be the equivalent of pulling out that Freakum Dress or pulling that Freakum Card for their lover.

All of that being said, embracing or exploring this other side of one's self doesn't always have to involve anything sexual. Its different for everyone. For some, it could mean being somewhat of a Flirt or throwing all of one's rules out of the window and getting so-n-so's number. For others, it could mean installing a pole in the bedroom and surprising that special someone with the VIP Room treatment.

To each, his own...


Tuesday, June 3, 2008


I haven't written anything in a while. For the past couple weeks, I've been so busy with moving into this new place and running here-&-there to get this-&-that...and still working at night.

I LOVE this new area! Its metropolitan, multicultural, and, there's Take-Out places and date spots galore!! I'm staying in this borough forever...the next best area would be the Loop or downtown.

Anyway, Shorty, the guy I had that great date with, almost a month ago, isn't on my radar anymore...we weren't meant to work. He's a GREAT guy, but...We hadn't even gone on a second date yet, and he was ALREADY making more apologies, for plains that fell through, then I could count. It is what it is.

Its like the saying goes: "When one door closes, another door opens."


Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Where The Hell Am I?

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***Listening To***
Just Fine by. Mary J. Blige

It feels like, a few months ago, I just went to sleep one night and woke up in some alternate world. Like when Catwoman took her little trip the the Hell Planet...The world is the same, but with subtle differences in MY life. (I'm such a Comic geek!)

I say this because, for some time now, everything has been going extremely smoothly and NORMAL in my life...Suspiciously smooth. Which hasn't been the case in quite a while.

School has been going really well...I don't owe them any money now...I've been able to register for both Summer and Fall classes ALREADY...I'm moving off campus to avoid those outrageous housing fees.

Everything with my first apartment is going great so far...I'm really looking forward to having my own place.

And, as far as I can see, things are going to smooth in the foreseeable future also.

And, as self-sufficient as I am, a part of wants to say that the only thing missing is...a good man.

All of that being said, subconsciously, I'm waiting for that proverbial Other Shoe to drop.

But, I'm not stupid, so I'm going to enjoy the Wins where I can get them...for as long as they last.


Saturday, May 10, 2008


So, today I finally got the KEY to my new apartment...YAY! I don't actually "move in" for a couple weeks, but, this gives the the opportunity to buy things from Whatever Store and take them straight to the new place. Instead of lugging everything to the dorm and then from the dorm to the apartment.

Interesting development:

I found out that a guy I talked to for a hot second, back in March, is actually living in my new building. How do I know this? Because we crossed paths the building's lobby!

Since we only hung out ONCE, I'm assuming he doesn't remember who I am....which is fine and dandy.

Why did we only hang out ONCE? Because of his damn attitude! He's sexy as fuck, but, that damn attitude that he likes to don is NOT cute...He actually has some "Candy Girl" ways about him (thanks for the term, Derrick)....Which I'm not into.

(Would've been nice if he'd waited a few dates BEFORE he showed me his "other" side. LOL!)

So, here's the rundown on what happened with WCG (Wannabe Candy Girl)...We met online. We talked on the phone and had a nice chemistry. We set up a little date-hangout thing. We were hanging out at his temporary place, and having a nice little time, until...He threw a damn TANTRUM! Well, not really a "tantrum" parse. More like a fucking Bitch-Fit. Why? Because his cable reception was acting up, and he couldn't watch the stupid Making The Band finale and see his precious Danity Kane perform.

Me, being the cool-headed guy that I am, mearly suggested that he could watch it online the next day or catch the 20 repeats on MTV. After that, he THREW ME OUT! What a terrible hostess!

So, on my way home, via txt, he tells me he's "sorry". And, I let him have it...I was pissed! I did a little "future math" and figured that his Bitch-Fit was only a taste of what to expect if I were to ever become involved with this guy. And, I'm too laid-back and cute to be always dealing with someone who has Drama DeJour. So, I left his ass alone, chalked it up as experience, and moved on.

If we cross paths again (which I'm sure we will)? I'll keep it cute and professional.

Anyhow, living situation aside, last weekend I went out on my first REAL date with a really great guy. It was romantic, there was chemistry, there was some PDA, and, it was just a great time.


Thursday, May 1, 2008

Note To The Universe #1

Uh uh!

My name is NOT Captain Save-A-Hoe!...Nor, will it EVER be!

Child, please!...Playing Captain Save-A-Hoe is exactly how innocent people get mixed up in all kinds of negative shit!

If there's a way where I can get paid handsomely for this service, like being a Public Relations Rep for a celebrity, then, maybe.

Otherwise?...Uh uh!

Keep those who are in need of Captain Save-A-Hoe far far far away from me!

Thank You.


Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Between Year 21 & Year 22, I've Come Closer To Becoming My Authentic Self

*Listening To*
"Part Of Me" by. En Vouge
"Mobile" by. Avril Lavigne
"Purple Rain" by. Prince

So, one month from this date...On May 29th...I officially turn 22.

I say "officially" because I consider myself to be older, ever year at New Years, when the clock hits midnight. I don't really do anything different on my Birthday...its just another day. I mean, after my mom died, the day just lost all its "pzazz". Considering she was ALWAYS the one who made such a big deal out of the day.

And, I'm always alone on my birthday...even before I ran away from Cleveland, after high school, and moved to Chicago. And, now, there's absolutely NO ONE around to make anything of it.

There's just no reason to celebrate...So, I just forget about it like its any other day.

Anyhow, I was at work, one night last week, just thinking. And, then it hit me...I'm more outspoken then I used to be! I'm not all shy about opening my damn mouth about a lot of things anymore. I'm not afraid to look people square in the eyes and tell them what I think. I'm becoming more and more "comfortable" and confident with...ME! Does that even make sense?

Don't get me wrong, I'm still the same ole quiet Me...A man of few words. THAT is one of the things that will NEVER change...Its one of the things that make me...ME!

That being said, I'm definitely NOT as passive (let shit slide, lay down and take whatever) as I used to be.

I guess its called...Growing?


Tuesday, April 22, 2008

My Thoughts On...Steve Wilkos

I've been catching his little "show" on and off for a while now. Its basic premise is...Steve spending an hour yelling at guests for various reasons. Maybe they're just plan morally reprehensible, or they've wronged someone else (who come to the show for "help" or

Bitch please! Its all too obvious what this Ego Trip Circus is really about.

Its a personal Ego-Feeder for good ole Stevie. What is an Ego-Feeder? Yes, its a term I've made up. Its ANYTHING that we, as people, purposely do in order to feed our own Ego's. Some are good/innocent, others are bad. Prime examples?...Kids teasing each other for various reasons, adults talking about each other, women making catty comments, and, sometimes, Gay men "reading" each other (LOL).

Anyway, I can just imagine the producers of this show going through whatever process they go through to choose the most morally irreprehensible people for this guy to berate on national television....WITH NO RESOLUTION WHAT-SO-EVER!!

Don't get me wrong, SOMETIMES its really entertaining and funny to watch Mr. Wilkos basically "read" someone for pure filth.

Oh yes sir, I often wish I had my own show, where I could yell "I'm better than you!" at social miscreants, and boost my own Ego...I think everyone would love to just have there own version.

This show is in its first season, and its already tired. I give half of another season.

Side Note: I'm not defending any of the quest from this show. I'm just saying...This spectacle is about as "real" as Jerry Springer.

Funny thing is, if I'm around my TV at 2-whatever, I always found myself thinking/saying "Lets see who Steve is screaming at today." Then I wait or General Hospital to go to commercial and change the channel.


Sunday, April 20, 2008

I Have To Pull Some Magic Outta My Ass To Turn A Sardine Can Into A Palace

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So, I've seen my soon-to-be new apartment, and it...will take some
getting used to. I love the building...the inside has a very old
fashion hotel-ish look, its in a cool area, and its CLEAN.

Ugh!...if only the walk-in closet, with shelves (or a shoe area, LOL), wasn't
bigger then the damn bathroom!

And the only "real" furniture I'll have is whatever bed I end up buying. But, all is not lost...I took a little trip to Target, and came up with some ideas for making my new home into MY home.

Another plus is that their are a ton of take-out places in the area (LOL)!

I'm definitely leaning toward getting this place.


Wednesday, April 9, 2008

A Lost Connection & A New Plain

Playing: "Migrate (featuring T-Pain)" By. Mariah Carey

Ugh! My damn Internet connection was out ALL damn weekend...I came home from work Friday-night-Saturday-morning ready to relax with my snack and watch an episode of "Lost" online, when, to my chagrin, the damn Internet was off in the whole damn building. Meaning that I couldn't post anything all weekend.

Luckily, the weekend wasn't a complete lost.

Just a few things:

I went out Saturday night and had a nice time.

I've started looking for an apartment online, and found a place for $500 a month utilities included in the rent....Hopefully, I won't have to go all "Ty Posington" and a dump into a palace...Granted, I haven't SEEN it yet. But, that being said, I hope to in my new place on my birthday (May 29th).

Since my class is canceled, this coming Friday, I've decided to go on another job interview...At a new bar downtown.

I've decided that, since I want to take the exam for the Police Department later this summer, I'm going to try to a summer course that'll help me with it.


Wednesday, March 26, 2008

The Two That Got Away...More Like The Two I Pushed Away

Lately, I've been thinking about just how internally fucked-up I am. How I have NO friends to pick me up when I'm "down" or to just talk to. And, for a while now, I've also been thinking about the two best friends of mine that I pushed out of my life 2-years ago. It wasn't because they were a negative influence-in fact, they were quite the opposite. Bottom line, I forced them out of my life to protect, not only them, but, myself as well.

Back Story: "Jay" and I meet online during the Summer before my freshmen year. We chatted for a while, started talking on the phone, and instantly became friends. He lives, and goes to school, down south. But, he's from Chicago, still has family here, and visits from time to time. "P" is "Jay's" best friend, who actually still lives in Chicago, but, goes to school in down-state IL. "P" and I got introduced to each other through "Jay" and became instant friends also. And, since we were close in closer proximity, we were able to hangout.

Here's how it went:

-Our friendship progressed, "J" and "P" wanted to become closer then I
allow ANYONE to be to me (which, for normal people, isn't a big deal).

-I started to become attached to them...Which is a HUGE no no, for me.

-"J" got angry at me for not trusting them enough to take-down my "wall".

-I got angry at him for not understanding that I am who I am.

-We stopped talking. I then got angry with "P" for siding with "J", and stopped
talking to his incredibly nice ass also.

And, their it was...My way out of committing to them and opening myself up. Funny thing is, I was also angry at and jealous of "J" because, at the time, he was in a sickeningly happy relationship with his boyfriend. And, at the time, I was in the same man-less place that I'm in now. And, deep down, I'm a selfish bastard who thinks that if I can't be happy, I don't want anyone else to be.

Anyway, I stopped talking to my ex best friends until I quit missing them. Besides, after a certain period of time went by, I figured it was too late to fix things. And, I was sure that we had all moved on with our lives.

I've grown a lot since then. And, I've always wondering how they were doing.

All of that being said, since I can't leave well enough alone, I hit them up on Facebook a couple months ago. "P" added me as a "friend", but wont return my emails. "J", on the other hand, didn't give me anything back.

I guess some things are just meant to stay broken...Friendships, People
(Myself), etc.


Wednesday, March 19, 2008

I'm Making This Week As Productive As I Can...Dammit!

So, this week, I'm on spring break. I need to take advantage of the time I have, to take care of a few things I've been meaning to get done...As well as getting a little rest.

I've already taken care of my taxes, for the first time, on Monday (Yay me!). I want to go on some interviews this week and look at some jobs. And, since I actually want to take time to enjoy this small ass break, I'm taking off from work Thurs and Fri (LOL!).

I hope things go well.


Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Shame On Me...For Not "Trying" At My Full Potential?

So, when people ask me about my grades and how I'm doing in school, EVERYONE, for some reason, is shocked by how average I do (Ugh! That grammer did not sound cute). People are always assuming that, since I'm quite and keep to myself, that I MUST be sooo smart....From their lips to my ears.

Maybe I don't see what everyone else seems to see yet? Not too long ago, I used to be very Hermione-ish. I used to make sure that I was on top of everything before I actually had to be. I would start on papers the first week on class...when they were actually due much later on. I used to lay in bed with my overpriced text books and read/hi-lite the info we might go over in class.

But, all of that being said, at that time, I was a job-less full-time student with nothing else on my radar. I realized that being a student didn't pay the bills or buy me new cloths or help me with a lot of the things that I wanted to do. In other words, I realized that it was time for my grown ass to get a damn J-O-B and start making money, so that I could have financial freedom and stability.

The thing is, now that I'm working and making other plains, my focus is split, and my priorities have shifted...due to my situation of being an ADULT who NEEDS to make a steady income to SURVIVE. I mean, fuck!...I don't have parents who send me cash, or receive financial-aid like everyone else. And, come on, I work all night til 4am 5-days a week! I'm tired a lot!

Anyway, somewhere down the road, I stopped applying myself...and, I think that should change before I get into a pattern of doing this with everything else. Yeah, my work sitch is going to stay the same, and hopefully I'll have second job soon. But, maybe I should start going at my full potential? What if my full potential isn't enough for a lot of things that I want to do with my life?

Ugh! Whatever! I'll at least give it a try...I guess it cant hurt.


Monday, March 10, 2008

Something New...A Change IS Coming

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I've had this on my mind for about a week now. But, I didn't really know where I wanted to go with it, or how I wanted it to come off. So, just like the B&J Ice Cream, this new addition is going to have everything but the kitchen sink.

So, here it is...I'm adding a "My Thoughts On..." section to the blog/journal.

This is where I'll just rant about various thing I might feel like ranting about (LOL). Sometimes it'll be about current events, random thoughts, or whatever "grinds my gears".

Some posts will be organized...Some/most will not. Some might be long...Some might be short. Some might even be on video, later on.

Like I said, everything but the kitchen sink.

Now, let me take my ass to bed!...Because it's 3:40am, and I got class in the afternoon! LMAO!!


Tuesday, March 4, 2008

These Things Happen ONLY To ME...aka The Universe Is The One Hell Of A Bitch!

***Listening To***
"Paper Bag" By. Fiona Apple

Once again, someone else has something that I want! Its ONLY Monday and I'm ALREADY getting screwed this week!

So, get into this, I met this HOTT guy on the subway, on Friday, on my way home from downtown. We exchanged glances, and I noticed the gear he had with him...Photography gear. I thought it was kinda cool he was into Photography, so I started a conversation with him about his hobby, when we got off at our stop. Oh yeah, before all this, I first noticed that he was a fellow Gay.

Anyhow, we talked for second and exchanged numbers before we got on our separate buses(more like I asked for his number, and he gave it up). As it turns out, he's actually a fashion photographer, and its been his passion for about 3-years, and also he's in college studying his passion . So, lets call him "Nikon".

Nikon and I texted a little on Friday-just small-talk ish, and over the weekend. Since he had shoots all weekend, there wasn't really any chance of talking much less getting to meet up.

That being said, we had THIS nice little text-chat tonight, before I went to work:

Me: "Yo! Wassup?"

Nikon: "Workin Out"

Me: "Awww. How was ur day?"

Nikon: "A lil slow."

Me: "What r u doin this weekend?"

Nikon: "Shooting as always."

Me: "Well, if ur done early enough on saturday and if I dont have 2 work, I was wondering if you wanted 2 go out."

Nikon: "Out? Out where?"

Me: "I dunno...its only monday! LOL! Get something to eat, hangout, etc..."

Nikon: "Like a date?"

Me: " a date or whatever."

Nikon: "Lol...Thanks but I'm engaged...I shouldnt be goin on dates."

Side Bar: WHAT THE FUCK!?!?

Me: "Really? 4 how long?"

Nikon: "Not very long..."

Nikon: "I'm kiddin but I am with some 1."

And, there you go. Someone with all the qualities that I look for in a man, including the fact that he's gay, happens to be someone else's property. It would much easier if I could say he led me on...But, he didn't. I knew it was only a matter of time before the Universe found a way to screw me once again. But, it is what it is...I'll never have a boyfriend or a healthy relationship...And that's fine. By the time I'm older (40-ish), gays will be getting married all over the place...And, I'll have my career, my cats, and my ice-cream. Assuming that I don't become desperate enough to throw my "standards" out the window and start hopping on everything, with two legs and a dick, that gives me the slightest attention.

It is what it is...

By the way, there should be some kind of "ID" system for the Gays. Like a bracelet or a ring or something, that's color-coded, in order to figure out if someone is either Single or Taken or in an Open Relationship or whatever-the-fuck. Just a damn thought!!!


Friday, February 29, 2008

Excuses Are For Lazy People...And I've Been Making A Few Of Them Lately.

***Listening To***
"Push It" By. Garbage

"I'm too tired." "I don't have time." "I'm at work all night." "Ugh!...I'll do it later/tomorrow." "The weekend is ONLY two days...I need to rest!"

Yes! These are a few of the excuses that I tell myself when it comes to school work, writing my comic, going to the gym, revising my resume, looking for a bartending gig, and a couple other things.

Here's a cute little example: Three or so weeks ago, I got in from work Friday-night-Saturday-morning (4am friday nite), did my laundry, said I'd put my cloths up later on, and went to bed at 7-8am. A couple weeks later?...I'm picking my socks and underwear out of the blue laundry-bag
I put them in, after they dried. LMAO!!! And, now, that bag is about to be empty! Its a lazy mess!

That being said, for the past week I've been on this "kick" of getting off my ass and getting things done. Hell, yesterday (Thurs) I got off my ass and decided to get back into the habit of working out. This weekend, I'm going to shine-up my resume and start writing SOMETHING for my novel/comic.

By the way, I realized that the whole "I don't have time" shtick is a little bit of bullshit, depending on the situation. If something is really important and a priority, one has to MAKE time for it.


Monday, February 25, 2008

Living vs. Exsiting

As I've said before, I don't really consider myself to be "fun" or interesting. I'm a boring guy, with stupid/boring interests, who has nothing to bring to the table in a relationship, and who's passionate about nothing. Come on, lets face it, NOBODY wants to be in a sex-less relationship with a boring person...Its just a fact. I need to live in the reality that, if I find myself involved with someone (which I doubt will EVER happen.), it'll be over before it starts...Assuming I'm honest and upfront from the beginning.

Anyway, I was thinking...I'm not exactly "living". I'm more like existing. I guess it comes from the way I dealt with my mother's death and growing up fast, when I was younger. I spent my teen years just going to school and coming home and not really doing the whole "social" thing, that most kids my age were doing. Senior year came around, and work was added to the mix. One of the reasons why I left home, after high school, was so that I could be on my own and live my own life, without being bothered with my family. In other words, I wanted to be free to live my own life, on my terms...And, I am.

I guess, what I'm wondering is...Now that I'm an adult, how do I become someone who enjoys life, instead of just existing in it?


Tuesday, February 19, 2008

The Perfect Cocktail: Shopping, Ice Cream, & Some Down-Time

Fresh of the heels of Saturday night's disappointment, I decided that I WAS NOT going to stay in bed, all day Sunday, pitying myself and eating (LOL). So, I got off my ass, got showered, dressed, and decided that I was going to run to Blockbuster and have my own movie-nite. By the way, I originally had plains with "You-Know-Who", but, the bastard canceled on me AGAIN!...For the LAST time! I'll get to that some other time.

Anyway, I needed to do some thinking and cool off, so, I decided to take a nice little train ride to a Blockbuster downtown...Instead on the one down the street (LOL). Besides, it was kind of nice outside. When I got downtown, I took a little detour into Forever 21, caught a sale, and left with a new hoodie which was about 55% off (it was $35...and I got it for $13!!! Yay me!!). THAT feat alone was enough to lift my spirit!

I picked up a couple flicks, headed home, and had a nice night...Especially since I didn't have class the next day.


Sunday, February 17, 2008

$5 + 2 Drinks = A Bitter Man-less Rocafella

***Listening To***

Well, my ego got a serious blow to it, tonight. Earlier, I went out, to a club, partly to just get out of the house and partly to find a new guy to replace “Cool”. Don't get me wrong, we're still talking, but things are moving way too fucking slow for me! He's lack-luster, boring, doesn't give me the attention/validation that I need, and, bottom line, I need to make sure I have a “spare” before I officially put an end to this Pre-School make-believe shit.

Anyway, I go to the Gay club, for the second time...And its a completely OPPOSITE experience than it was the first time that I went. It was madd boring. Since I don't dance and since I'm not really a “social” person, I just stood around listening to the music, looking at the crowd, and sipping my drinks. All the while, not ONE SINGLE man hit on me!! I mean, DAMN!...I looked damn hott! And still, no dice! I figured that I might have a better time if I had another drink, to loosen up a bit. LOL, yeah I was “buzzed”...yet pissed and lonely. I also noticed that almost EVERYONE was there with they're friends/buddies...Which I DONT have! Hell, there were even a couple (man & woman), who asked me if I were having a good time, when I sat down.

Since I'm not exactly a “fun” kind of person, do I give-off a certain “serious” vibe?

Maybe I just need to face the facts, and realize that the universe is trying to tell me something:

1. For the FIRST TIME, I come out of my shell and actively pursue a guy...And it turns out to be a disaster!

2. I cant someone new...Even at a GAY bar!

3. I was MUCH better off NOT dealing with men and I should go back to the way that things were.

Yeah, if things don't turn around soon, I'm done...AGAIN!


Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Wanting Whats Behind That Yellow Tape...

First off, thank you all sooo much for being pateint with me. I usually type these entries on my Sidekick, on my way home from work, email them to "Blogger", and do a quick edit when I get home. But, for the past week, I've been taking on more responsibilities at work, and have been too dog-tired when I get home to even make my posts or comment on your pages (eventhough I've read them). Luckly, things are back in swing, and I'll be back on here on the regular.

I promise, this won't be long...LOL!

So, I've been thinking...Does something, or someone, become much more
attractive once we've realized that we can't actually "have" it? Or,
better yet, if there's a great challenege to "have" it?

For example, I tend to develop crushes on Streight men. And, YES, already I know its totally pointless and retarded. But, as of late, I've developed a "thing" for a new buddy of mine. He's Streight, I'm quite sure (PLEASE let him be atleast "Bi"!! LOL!). He goes to school with me, he's older, smart, and SEXY-AS-FUCK! And, personality wise, he's the complete opposite of "Cool". I could actually see myself dating his ass

Anyway, I was just wondering...Do I just like him so much because having anything romantic, with him, is so intangible?


Tuesday, February 5, 2008

Seriously? This Is One Wave I Might Stop Riding!

***Listening To***

So, I've been thinking/maranating on something. Which, by the way, is NOT always a good thing, in my case. I have the slight tendacy to over-think certain things (LOL).

Anyway, I've been thinking about whatever it is that's going on between myself and "Cool", and wheather or not I can keep going on with him. Let the Theripy Session begin!

Here's what's on my mind:

1. Our lil' first "date" or whatever was nice. Just that...NICE! Or, more like alright! NOT great! NOT magical! NOT romantic!...NICE!! I always assumed that my first date, with a guy, whould be A LOT MORE!!

2. There's no "zsa zsa zsu" between us. Things are just...REGULAR!! He doesn't look at me the way I want him to (with seduction/lust in his eyes). We don't have that "thing" that people are supposed to have when they first start off.

3. Its obvious that things arnet "popping off" organically between us. And, I'll be damned if I develop the pattern of having to ALWAYS force shit, make plans happen, and make ALL the effort in a relationship that's one-sided!...I'm not THAT desperate to keep a man. Especially seeing that I'm used to being alone anyway.

4. "Cool" flaked on me this weekend. I wanted to spend some time together, on Saturday....He flaked on ME (oh HELL no!...I KNOW this child didn't just? Uh Uh!)! What kinda fuckery is he!?!

SideBar: Momz didn't raise her child to be lead around, by the nose, by ANYBODY...Like a damn puppy-dog! THAT'S another pattern I don't want to fall into. If ANYTHING, it gonna be the OTHER-WAY-AROUND (LOL)!

Here's two of my favorite quotes:

1. "There are many Fishes/Men in The Rainbow Sea."

... I just started realizing this about a month ago, when I actually decided
to open my eyes and notice what was going on around me (LOL).

2. "Why do I stress a man, when there's so many bigger things at hand?"
-Amy Winehouse

... THIS is soooo TRUE!! I have much bigger things to do, than to stress over some guy...Seriously!


Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Roca's First Date...How Cute

***Listening To***

Well, like I had planned in the last post, I went out with "Cool" over
the weekend...And, it wasn't as hard, or weird, as I hyped my first date
EVER to be.

We went out, this past Saturday, to the movies to see "Cloverfield" (which, by the way, is a really good flick...the ending was interesting, yet sucked. LOL.). It was a cute experience. The last time I'd gone to the movies with someone was ages ago, in high school...With some chick I
was BFF with, to see a "Harry Potter" movie (LOL).

Anyway, after the movie we got back on the train, and ended up back at his place. I didn't actually "plain" this part...I just got off, at his stop, with him, because I wanted to at least be a gentleman and walk him home. Either way, he invited me in, introduced me to his 15yo lil' sis (who I just LOVE), and took me to his room. Where we chilled, watched a couple movies, talked, and clowned for a few hours. Then, I left.

The only bad thing, to me, was that he didn't even try to make a damn move, on me, while we were sitting on his BED chilling. I even had to put on my "seducer" hat and say: "You don't have to be afraid to touch me, you know."

Anyway, when we talked, the next night, I asked him straight-up why he didn't try ANYTHING. As it turns out, he was waiting for ME to make the proverbial First Move...While I was waiting for HIM to make the First Move. What kind of Fuckery is THIS?!?! LOL, I guess, next time, I gotta just pounce on his ass like a damn lion on a fucking gazelle.

So, I guess I'm actually "seeing" someone now....interesting.

PS. Don't get it twisted...I'm not stupid enough to think weer in any kind of a relationship right now. And I'm defiantly going to keep my options open. I'm just saying...


Wednesday, January 23, 2008

A lil' Update

So, I realize that after this post about the exchange between myself and "Cool", I left you guys kind of hanging.

Here's The Cliff Notes Version:

- "Cool" texted me the morning/noon-ish after (that Saturday).

- We texted back-and-forth, then briefly talked for a minute (we both had different plains that day).

Side Note: Remember how I (and some of you) had doubts as to whether or
not "Cool" was a fellow gay? Well, as it turns out, he's very much "Over The Rainbow" LMAO!

- That Sunday, he called, and we spent about four hours, laying in our
beds, talking and channel surfing (LOL). After that, we got off (the phone...get ya mind out the gutter. LOL).

Side Note: Have you ever had "dead-air" during a conversation, and had to FORCE shit to happen? Ugh! Its like pulling teeth from a damn horse!...Especially since I'm not the most talkative person.

- Later that same night, he called again, we talked for a couple more hours, and ended up watching an episode of "Cheaters" together (and had a BIG ass laugh) before going to bed.

- Ever since then, we mainly txt each other every day.

- We were supposed to go on a lil' date last weekend, but, it was too damn COLD to be trying to go out at night (try -7° and windy outside!).

-Because last weekend escaped us, we're going to play "hookie" from work, on Friday, and go out (I came up with THIS plan).

Hmmmmm I like these little Cliff Note posts...Maybe I'll do it more.


Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Wow! I Became a Bartender Before I Became a Cop

***Listening To***

Get this widget Track details eSnips Social DNA

It finally happened today! I graduated from Bartending School, and I'm
now a certified Mixologist/Bartender...BAM!! I'm now starting a REAL
grown-up career, at 21.

I'm sooo proud of myself for this accomplishment, that now, when I look
at my certificate/diploma, I can't help but grin (LOL). Hell, for the
first couple hours, after I got it, my lil' ass couldn't stop cheesing'.
Sure, the people probably thought I was crazy of something...But, as
Tyra Banks says: "So What!" I'm gonna enjoy the "wins" that I earn,
dammit (LMAO)!

When think back on the past few weeks, the lack of sleep, the daily
commute, the hard work and practice, and the 16 cups of Dunkin' Donuts
Cappuccino I drank through my classes?...It was all worth it! If not for
the career move, than for the confidence boost. I feel
kinda...Different. And I like it. At least now I'll think a little before
I "pus-out" on something that might seem difficult. For example, trying
to become a P.I.

I can't wait to start working at somebodies club or bar or lounge.


Thursday, January 17, 2008

So Apparently I'm One of Those "Active-Visual" Learners

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*** Listening To***

As it turns out, I'm one of those people who can learn (some)
things/skills by actually DOING them. As you know, I'm currently in
Bartending School. This is my third and last week, and surprisingly,
I'm actually doing quite well. I don't know how, but I can remember
various drinks, ingredients, how to mix things, etc. I'm thinking it has
a lot to do with the practice bars that we use, to perfect our craft.

I haven't exactly "studied" the drink recipes...And, there's a lot of
them (LOL)! Its more like I look at the recipe, go behind the bar, and
make it as many times as I need to, to "get" it down. Sometimes, I even
end up making my own variations on some of the things we've covered
(I'll be sharing those, with you, soon LOL). Once again, I have no idea
how, but with most of the drinks etc that the newbies have to learn, I
automatically know what goes in them.

Anyway, I graduate on Monday. After Monday, I'll be an official
certified Bartender. I'll have an actual "title". I didn't even see this
coming. I NEVER expected to become a Bartender or Mixologist before I
became a Cop. When I get my certificate, I definitely plain on laminating
and framing that bitch ASAP. And, I can already feel the subtile changes
that this accomplishment is making in my attitude, confidence, and my lil'
"swagger" (LOL).

Another thing can't wrap my head around, is that I'm going to be
starting an actual CAREER! Not another JOB or a GIG (even though I might
call it that sometimes)...But, an actual Professional CAREER!...Along
with the regular job I've had for the past year. I'm I ready? After all,
it is one of the things I wanted to work toward in 2008.

As you know, I consider myself to be somewhat of a "Jack of All Trades".
Have I really found one of the things that I could actually be GOOD, or
in time, GREAT at? I guess only time and experience will tell.


Saturday, January 12, 2008

Call Damnit!

Well, earlier tonight, It finally happened...I gave Mr. Cool my number,
when I got to work!

I saw him waiting outside for the bus, and didn't really know what to
do. And, since I can't leave shit alone, instead of just normally
playing "cool" and being shy, I said "fuck it", and went over to his
fine ass! (I actually planned to get to work early, for the sole purpose
of catching him, and giving him The Digits...I just didn't expect to see
him so soon, and I wouldn't have been able to face myself if passed up
this chance.)

Anyway, we said our "whuddups", "dapped", and one minute into our cute
little convo...I asked if he had his phone on him (LOL, I know right!)!!
He definitely knew what was up...because, as soon as he whipped out his
flat and slick lil' Sprint Blackberry PDA thingy, he went straight to the
"New Contact" screen (YESSIR!).

I fumbled around with his gadget while put my info in it, had a cute
little moment when I asked him for a lil editing help, and voila!...He
had my number (I wanted to put the "ball" in his court). We had a little
more lite convo, and before I left, to go in the job, I said "Hit me up
later, so I get your number." He nodded, I left, and I walked into work
with the biggest grin on my face. And, yea, I thought about him all
night long (LMAO!).

Ugh!...I just hope he actually his me with a call or text this weekend!
If he doesn't, he doesn't...If he does, he does...It is what it is. I'm
not gonna shamelessly chase after ANYONE...He knows how to reach me now.

Side note: - Cool introduced himself, to me, a couple nights ago...AFTER I INTRODUCED MYSELF FIRST! The next night, after we said our "whuddups" and got a lil' physical and parted ways, I happened to turn around to get a last look at his swagger, and caught him checking me out!


Friday, January 11, 2008

Constricting My Raging Boa...

I've had it! Enough is enough is enough is enough! I'm making the

Allow me to direct your attention to something that needs directing
to...Controlling those damned "Boners", "Hard-on's", or whatever-the-fuck
kind of vernacular you like to use for your Erections, that just pop-up
at the MOST awkward and unneeded times. Like, when your at work (ugh!),
in class, on public transportation, at the club, etc...We all have
stories (LMAO). Ugh! And, don't you just hate when your wearing jeans,
and have to try to stand up and walk with that thing (if you point str8
out, that is)? And, don't even get me started on basket-ball/hoop/gym
shorts! Or khakis!

Anyway, I'm putting an end to this "pressing" "protruding" "hard" little
quark. This weekend, I'm doing an overhaul...On my drawz! I have mostly
Boxers, with a couple pairs of Boxer-Briefs in the mix. But, now, I'm
making the switch to ONLY snug-fitting Boxer-Briefs (awww the nutz are
gonna be so comfy & happy, LOL). Just gotta find the right "Big-Box" or
Department store where I can get drawz that are not only cute, yet say:
"manly & suave" (LOL).


Wednesday, January 9, 2008

Relationships....A Tricky Business

So, lately, I've been thinking about a lot of things. One of them being
relationships, if its possible (for me) to sustain a long-term one, and
how they work.

Even though I've never been in one, I'm guessing that "relationships" are
unions formed by two people (or, in some cases more) who have feelings
for each other, and decide to put their two separate lives
together...THIS is much easier said than done.

They say "Birds of a feather flock together."

I guess what I'm asking is...Can a hawk (or person) who's flown solo for
soooo long, be easily joined with a fellow hawk (or person)?

Odd realization...I can be a little bit of a Flirt! (LOL)


Sunday, January 6, 2008

Confession On A Dance Floor...My First Time At A Gay Club

***Listening To***

Well, in lou of my New Years post, I decided ot to waste any time, and set out on my first "adventure" for 2008. Saturday night, I decided to attend a Gay club for the very first time. I already knew where I wanted to go...Spin Night-Club, on the Northside. Saturdays are hip-hop & reggae night. The club closes at 3am, so I hopped on the subway at 11:30, and set off to the North.

Since friday and saturday nights are huge party/club nights, in Chicago, the train was just as full as if it were still daytime. I wasn't the only one looking to get into something that night (LOL). I have to admit, I was a little nervous on my train ride, not knowing what to expect. But, when we arrived at my stop, I knew there was no turning back. From being in that area times before, I knew exactly where I was going. Hell, there was even a cute guy, who i saw on the train, walking in the same direction (LOL).

From outside the club, I could hear the booming sounds coming from the backroom's dance floor. When I walked in, the door guys were so cheery and cool while they checked my ID, took my $5 cover, and stamped my hand. When I got into the main building, I was taken by how "chill" everything looked. The first part of the club is just a lounge with a bar, flat-screen tv's playing various videos, and pool tables. What I loved the most was how diverse the crowd was. Men, women, blacks, whites, latinos, young, and older...All in our "gayety" (LOL)! I walked into the backroom/party area and stood by a wall to soak in the atmosphere. Immediately, I took notice of a really cute carmel guy to my right, who was standing with another guy. As I looked aroung, I saw men dancing and chating with other men, and women dancing and chating with other women...And then I thought "Wow! This is just...GREAT!".

The guy from earlier noticed that I glanced at him a couple times, and started talking to me. I figured out later that his questions were the "usual", in this kind of place..."Where's your boyfriend?", "How come you don't got one?", etc. It turned out that Carmel was actually a "cat-daddy" (LOL). It just just happened to be his...42nd birthday!! I would not have EVER thought 42! 30 maybe! I asked him how he looked so good, and he said: "I don't let nothin' stress me baby!...Not my mama, not my grown daughter...!" Yeah, he was mos def under the "influence" (LOL). All I could do was grin. He then started dancing by me when his song started playing. I also found out that we gays love to get all touchy-feely with each other, in certain atmospheres. When Carmel Cat-daddy saw that he wasn't getting anywhere with me, he went over to hit on another "youngin" (who was my age.).

I decided that if I stayed in the same place for too long, people might start think that me and Carmel Cat-daddy were an item. So, I went to the bar, got my cocktail, and stood in a defferent area to listen to the music, checkout some eye-candy, and watch the videos playing on the walls. I realized that I didn't have to be a "dancer" in order to have a nice time...For I wasn't the only one just choosing to stand around and enjoy the show. Sipping on my drink, I was geting a lil' tipsy (the bartender used 95% vodka and 5% 7-up, LOL). As it turns out, the other "youngin", that Cat-daddy hit on, was dragged there by his two older friends (one of them introduced himself to me, and introduced me to "youngin" and his other buddy...Who were both bored.).

By the way, when Beyonce comes on...WATCH OUT! Because, the room goes crazy! LMAO!!

Anyway, as I was sipping my drink, checking out the various "man-candies" (a new word I invented), and getting checked out, I noticed this cute lil' guy that I saw on the dance floor earlier. Lets call him "Gangsta-Papi", LOL. He came over to me and we clinked our drinks together. We started talking, and he told me how "fucked up" he was...Which I was thinking: "Duh!" I stumbled a little bit, and he made a commint about me being "fucked up" too (LOL). I don't know how, but, we ended up leaving the backroom and went to sit in the lounge (It had to be the vodka in my system mixed his sexy ass cologne...Right?). He asked me where my dude was, I said I didn't have one. He asked why, and I said I ddn't know (LOL). He then lifted my cap, took a look, and said: "You sexy as fuck! How you don't gotta dude!?!". I said: "He didn't come around yet." (This was a double meaning.). He then said: "I think he right here!" (I know its not the BEST line, but, he was drunk...ok!).

After our little chat session, we just sat, looking into each others eyes, holding hands, touching, rubbing, licking our lips, and just being...GAY!! And I LOVED it!! I've been "sensual" with another guy before, and I was LOVING it!! Before I knew it, we were leaning into each other, and started kissing! Eventhough he was drunk and kissing kind of "sloopy-ish", he was still madd passionate. I've never experienced anything like that before, and it was great (And Papi's tongue was madd long too, LOL). When we came up for air, I suggested that he write his name/number on a napkin from the bar. But, he couldn't hear. All he could do was stare into my eyes, lick his juicy lips, and grin...Apparently, he was just mesmerized by me and blocked everything else out (LOL). Feeling the magnetic vibe between us, we leaned in again, and made out some more...This time, with Gangsta-Papi showing me much more passion than before! Damn!...He fucking mauled me!...And it felt tooo good! It lasted for a while, and after we came back up for air, he whispered in my ear: "You got me thru da roof shorty...Foreal!"

We played around a little bit more, in the lounge, and got up to go back to the party/backroom (he wanted to go back in). After he gave me a few more lines, they called "last call", and then the "vouging" started. That was...Interesting to say the least (LOL). After the dancing was over, Papi and I went back to the lounge and he gave me his phone so i could call mine from it, to get his number. After that, he went to find the friend he came with, I told him I'd hit him up, and I left.

Walking back to the train, I couldn't help but to have a Cheshire Cat grin planted on my face...Which lasted until I got back home. I haven't felt this good or confident in a WHILE (I was in need of some "validation")! It's the experience and "adventure" that i would never take back...I actually had a nice time there! And I wouldn't mind going back, just to chill in the lounge, have a drink, enjoy the videos on the plasma's, and play some pool.

This must be what its like to be Single...Going out, having a good time, being able to kiss and touch whoever, and not having obligations to any one person. I think like it!