Wednesday, March 26, 2008

The Two That Got Away...More Like The Two I Pushed Away

Lately, I've been thinking about just how internally fucked-up I am. How I have NO friends to pick me up when I'm "down" or to just talk to. And, for a while now, I've also been thinking about the two best friends of mine that I pushed out of my life 2-years ago. It wasn't because they were a negative influence-in fact, they were quite the opposite. Bottom line, I forced them out of my life to protect, not only them, but, myself as well.

Back Story: "Jay" and I meet online during the Summer before my freshmen year. We chatted for a while, started talking on the phone, and instantly became friends. He lives, and goes to school, down south. But, he's from Chicago, still has family here, and visits from time to time. "P" is "Jay's" best friend, who actually still lives in Chicago, but, goes to school in down-state IL. "P" and I got introduced to each other through "Jay" and became instant friends also. And, since we were close in closer proximity, we were able to hangout.

Here's how it went:

-Our friendship progressed, "J" and "P" wanted to become closer then I
allow ANYONE to be to me (which, for normal people, isn't a big deal).

-I started to become attached to them...Which is a HUGE no no, for me.

-"J" got angry at me for not trusting them enough to take-down my "wall".

-I got angry at him for not understanding that I am who I am.

-We stopped talking. I then got angry with "P" for siding with "J", and stopped
talking to his incredibly nice ass also.

And, their it was...My way out of committing to them and opening myself up. Funny thing is, I was also angry at and jealous of "J" because, at the time, he was in a sickeningly happy relationship with his boyfriend. And, at the time, I was in the same man-less place that I'm in now. And, deep down, I'm a selfish bastard who thinks that if I can't be happy, I don't want anyone else to be.

Anyway, I stopped talking to my ex best friends until I quit missing them. Besides, after a certain period of time went by, I figured it was too late to fix things. And, I was sure that we had all moved on with our lives.

I've grown a lot since then. And, I've always wondering how they were doing.

All of that being said, since I can't leave well enough alone, I hit them up on Facebook a couple months ago. "P" added me as a "friend", but wont return my emails. "J", on the other hand, didn't give me anything back.

I guess some things are just meant to stay broken...Friendships, People
(Myself), etc.


Wednesday, March 19, 2008

I'm Making This Week As Productive As I Can...Dammit!

So, this week, I'm on spring break. I need to take advantage of the time I have, to take care of a few things I've been meaning to get done...As well as getting a little rest.

I've already taken care of my taxes, for the first time, on Monday (Yay me!). I want to go on some interviews this week and look at some jobs. And, since I actually want to take time to enjoy this small ass break, I'm taking off from work Thurs and Fri (LOL!).

I hope things go well.


Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Shame On Me...For Not "Trying" At My Full Potential?

So, when people ask me about my grades and how I'm doing in school, EVERYONE, for some reason, is shocked by how average I do (Ugh! That grammer did not sound cute). People are always assuming that, since I'm quite and keep to myself, that I MUST be sooo smart....From their lips to my ears.

Maybe I don't see what everyone else seems to see yet? Not too long ago, I used to be very Hermione-ish. I used to make sure that I was on top of everything before I actually had to be. I would start on papers the first week on class...when they were actually due much later on. I used to lay in bed with my overpriced text books and read/hi-lite the info we might go over in class.

But, all of that being said, at that time, I was a job-less full-time student with nothing else on my radar. I realized that being a student didn't pay the bills or buy me new cloths or help me with a lot of the things that I wanted to do. In other words, I realized that it was time for my grown ass to get a damn J-O-B and start making money, so that I could have financial freedom and stability.

The thing is, now that I'm working and making other plains, my focus is split, and my priorities have shifted...due to my situation of being an ADULT who NEEDS to make a steady income to SURVIVE. I mean, fuck!...I don't have parents who send me cash, or receive financial-aid like everyone else. And, come on, I work all night til 4am 5-days a week! I'm tired a lot!

Anyway, somewhere down the road, I stopped applying myself...and, I think that should change before I get into a pattern of doing this with everything else. Yeah, my work sitch is going to stay the same, and hopefully I'll have second job soon. But, maybe I should start going at my full potential? What if my full potential isn't enough for a lot of things that I want to do with my life?

Ugh! Whatever! I'll at least give it a try...I guess it cant hurt.


Monday, March 10, 2008

Something New...A Change IS Coming

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I've had this on my mind for about a week now. But, I didn't really know where I wanted to go with it, or how I wanted it to come off. So, just like the B&J Ice Cream, this new addition is going to have everything but the kitchen sink.

So, here it is...I'm adding a "My Thoughts On..." section to the blog/journal.

This is where I'll just rant about various thing I might feel like ranting about (LOL). Sometimes it'll be about current events, random thoughts, or whatever "grinds my gears".

Some posts will be organized...Some/most will not. Some might be long...Some might be short. Some might even be on video, later on.

Like I said, everything but the kitchen sink.

Now, let me take my ass to bed!...Because it's 3:40am, and I got class in the afternoon! LMAO!!


Tuesday, March 4, 2008

These Things Happen ONLY To ME...aka The Universe Is The One Hell Of A Bitch!

***Listening To***
"Paper Bag" By. Fiona Apple

Once again, someone else has something that I want! Its ONLY Monday and I'm ALREADY getting screwed this week!

So, get into this, I met this HOTT guy on the subway, on Friday, on my way home from downtown. We exchanged glances, and I noticed the gear he had with him...Photography gear. I thought it was kinda cool he was into Photography, so I started a conversation with him about his hobby, when we got off at our stop. Oh yeah, before all this, I first noticed that he was a fellow Gay.

Anyhow, we talked for second and exchanged numbers before we got on our separate buses(more like I asked for his number, and he gave it up). As it turns out, he's actually a fashion photographer, and its been his passion for about 3-years, and also he's in college studying his passion . So, lets call him "Nikon".

Nikon and I texted a little on Friday-just small-talk ish, and over the weekend. Since he had shoots all weekend, there wasn't really any chance of talking much less getting to meet up.

That being said, we had THIS nice little text-chat tonight, before I went to work:

Me: "Yo! Wassup?"

Nikon: "Workin Out"

Me: "Awww. How was ur day?"

Nikon: "A lil slow."

Me: "What r u doin this weekend?"

Nikon: "Shooting as always."

Me: "Well, if ur done early enough on saturday and if I dont have 2 work, I was wondering if you wanted 2 go out."

Nikon: "Out? Out where?"

Me: "I dunno...its only monday! LOL! Get something to eat, hangout, etc..."

Nikon: "Like a date?"

Me: " a date or whatever."

Nikon: "Lol...Thanks but I'm engaged...I shouldnt be goin on dates."

Side Bar: WHAT THE FUCK!?!?

Me: "Really? 4 how long?"

Nikon: "Not very long..."

Nikon: "I'm kiddin but I am with some 1."

And, there you go. Someone with all the qualities that I look for in a man, including the fact that he's gay, happens to be someone else's property. It would much easier if I could say he led me on...But, he didn't. I knew it was only a matter of time before the Universe found a way to screw me once again. But, it is what it is...I'll never have a boyfriend or a healthy relationship...And that's fine. By the time I'm older (40-ish), gays will be getting married all over the place...And, I'll have my career, my cats, and my ice-cream. Assuming that I don't become desperate enough to throw my "standards" out the window and start hopping on everything, with two legs and a dick, that gives me the slightest attention.

It is what it is...

By the way, there should be some kind of "ID" system for the Gays. Like a bracelet or a ring or something, that's color-coded, in order to figure out if someone is either Single or Taken or in an Open Relationship or whatever-the-fuck. Just a damn thought!!!