5-13-2010

For the past few months, or better yet, since around last Fall, I have been pretty much on "auto pilot" so to speak. Well, now that I think about it, its sooo NOT "auto pilot"...I do THAT all the time at school and mostly at my dead-end job. I think the word "lost" best describes what I've been since last fall. Yeah, I'm just...lost.

I don't know who I am, I don't know where I'm going, I don't know what my "purpose" is yet, and I'm still trying to figure out who the "real Me" is. When I was younger, I had all these visions and ideas about who I wanted to be, where I wanted to go, and what my life would be about. But, it seems like reality isn't exactly matching up with my imagination. I mean, it took me THIS long to finally embrace my own personal brand of "weirdness", and realize that what I always mistook for "weird" was just my own personal brand of creativity.

On the other hand, it does feel kind of freeing to have the flexibility to just "blow in the wind" and not become nailed down into being just one thing.

Maybe this is who I'm supposed to be after all...the "Tabula Rasa".

;-)

11-4-2008

*Listening To*

"Bad Girl" by. Danity Kane
"Sophisticated Lady" by. Mya
"Blindfold Me" by. Kelis
"Dirrty" by. Christina Aguilera
.............................................................................

So, my last entry was written while I was an emotional mess (what's new?). I've been thinking and marinating since then. And, I'm not becoming an "escort" or anything of that nature. But, my cloths will be coming off more freely now. I'm still sick and tired of being a "good" guy and getting fucked over because of it. So, I've decided to work on becoming a Naughty Boy instead.

I wonder how long the Naughty Boy Tour of 2008- will last?

;-)

10-21-2008

I'VE HAD IT!

I'm angry. I've been angry for awhile now. I want to be someone else...someone completely different altogether. I was thinking, at work, about why I'm so unsuccessful in the "relations" department. And, I realized that the one unchanged constant is...ME, Myself, and I. I'm the thing that's wrong.

Up until this point, being Me and being the "good" guy has gotten nothing but a broken heart, being "played", and alone. It was Me who wasn't enough for Cool and Heartbreaker . Its Me who doesn't deserve to be happy with anyone. Its Me who's never good enough for anyone. Its Me who isn't good enough to be "loved" by anyone. And, I'm tired of it. I'm tired of being Me. So, I need to be Someone else...opposite of the "good" guy.

I need to become someone who's always wanted, desired, and lusted after. I need to be someone who uses-up men, then spits them out. I need be one-dimensional, a freak, and a 24/7 walking sex object....after all, that's what men want, right? Well, that's going to be the new "Me". And, there's no more "freebies" when it comes to dealing with men...its pay-2-play for now on.

Also, I'm looking into going in the stripping profession.

I'm DONE!

;-)

Doomed: A History Lesson

*Listening To*
"It's All Over but the Crying (Remix)" by. Garbage


I've always know this, deep down, but now I actually have conformation. I'm 22yrs, and I've never dated anyone, never been in a relationship, never had boyfriend, and I've never really "talked" to a guy for more than week. And, I've come to realize that things are going this way for the rest of my life...22, 32, 42, 52, etc.

How did I come to realize this? Well, I've been thinking...which is basically a coin-toss of whether or not something good might come from it. Anyway, I've been thinking, marinating with my thoughts, and thinking of questions for my "research" into my family's past...and my future.

And what does it all come back to? Genetics.

While in thought, I started to trace things and put things together and connect the dots. I wanted to know why I can't seem to even develop healthy relationships much less be involved in one. So, I started with the small family that I do have left. So, there's my Nana (67), my Grandfather (65), my Uncle (47), and my Aunt (41).

As far as I know, Nana's only been in one big relationship...with the father of her children (grandpa)...who she divorced back in the 70s. And, there's been NOBODY else since then. Grandfather has had continuous whatevers with women who use him. Uncle is in his forties, has a career in charity work, and alone. And, Aunt (the fag hag) is also in her forties, man-less, and has never had a successful relationship.

After going through everyone's situation, I started to think: What about my Mother? Granted, she died when she was 35, but she was a lot different from everyone else in our family, and remember her dating or seeing someone when I was a kid. Which leads me to one of the most awkward and weirdest conversations I've ever had to have...I was forced to call Nana and ask her about my mom's (her daughter's) romantic life.

Here's how THAT went:

Ya ya ya...Blah blah blah...

Roc: "So, did my mom ever have any successful relationships?"

Nana: "What? Did you want to know if your mother ever had sexual relations?"

Sidebar: Oh god, kill me now. I did NOT ask you THAT grandma! Granted, I had just gotten off the subway, and there was a considerable amount of background noise on my end...but still, that whole exchange was just something that should never have happened!

Roc: "No! Did my mom ever have any SUCCESSFUL relationships?!"

Nana: "Oh!...SUCCESSFUL relationships."

Roc: "yeah....like dating or long-term relationships."

Nana: "Well, I don't think she really "dated" anyone. But, she "saw"
people."

Nana: "I guess her relationship with your father was successful...right?"

Roc: "Ummm NO! Not at all!"

Sidebar: Really Nana!? You consider THAT to be a "successful" relationship!? So, I guess my mom's only "real" relationship involved having an accident-kid with a guy who cheated on her and brought needless drama into her life, until she cut ties with him? Seriously!?! This is the kind of fucked up thinking doesn't surprise me at all.

Anyway, during our conversation, I realized that its all GENETIC. One of the main reasons why I left,a few years ago, was because I didn't want to end up like the rest of my family. But, I realize, now, that I'll never be happy with anyone. I'll never be able to have anything close to a "healthy" relationship with a guy, because its not in my DNA. And, even if I ever come close to having something "serious", with someone, I'm pretty sure I'll fuck things up somehow.

I guess Shirley Manson was right...Certain things DO turn ugly, when you think too hard.

;-)

Just A Few Things...9-10-2008

• I hate having to make that first physical move, with a guy...it makes me feel kind of slutty...or predatoryal, I guess? I just don't want to initiate something, and get shut down...I'd rather have it be the other way around.

• Cosmo's have a way of making me, ummm, "frisky" I guess? One, and I become the worlds biggest flirt. A few, and I might think I'm Britney in the "Gimme More" video.

• The fuckery known as Men: I hate men...who expect to get Oral (a blow job) without having to return the damn favor. I mean, you'll let me ride your face (which does NOTHING for me), but you won't suck my damn dick?...I can't be bothered!

;-)

8-29-2008

I can't believe there's only four months left to the year. Where did all the time go?

In eight months, I've been out with only three guys, and had two "REAL" dates...which ALL failed to produce anything. I fell in love with, and got my heart broken by, someone who wouldn't even give me the time of day...who's now in a relationship with someone else.

The fall semester started this week, and, even though I'm taking a lighter class load, I'm already tired from all the "first week" running around shit.

I'm so glad that a three-day weekend is coming up.

;-)

8-13-2008

I've felt like an emotional wreck for the past few weeks.

The past weekend just left me feeling a lot of things. I spent my past few Satuday nites at home, instead of going out to anything or meet anyone. I just don't have anyone to go anywhere with...but, I shouldn't let that stop me.

I'm no longer in "love" with Heartbreaker, after the past weekend. He can be kind of an asshole at times...but, I still, and will probably always, like him...Well, like the sweet guy he likes to hide from everyone. But, I also realized that there really can't be anything romantic for us...at least not for now. I'm over that whole deal. But, I'm cool with us being buddies or whatever. Its BEEN time for me to move on. And, I need to get back out there and go back to meeting new people and having new experiences.

On my ride home from work tonight, I listened to "Love Ridden" by Fiona Apple.

;-)

7-2-2008

For the time being, "friends" are out, and "associates" are in.

A so-called "friend" let me down the other day. Since I've never been to a Gay Pride before, I took my ass all the up to the damn North Side (an area I'm not familiar with) to meet-up with so-called "friend" for some Gay Pride festivities. When I got all the way up there, I called him numerous times for directions to their location, he didn't answer, so I took my ass back on the train, went home, and ordered a pizza.

I got on the train, leaving the North Side, feeling like a total fool. And, hopping on a train full of Gays sporting their smiles and multi-colored beads and significant others and various other Pride goodies didn't help my mood at all. Mid-way through my solom commute back home, the so-called "friend" calls me back and gives me a semi valid excuse as to why he didn't answer when I called earlier. I didn't give a fuck about his excuse. Excuses only make me angrier...no matter how valid or reasonable they are. All I know is that I want what I want...And, if I can't have it, I don't want ANYTHING at all.

In the middle of this call, I'm outside, and a fucking mini rainstorm starts...and, I'm umbrella-less, wearing shorts with no socks, and short sleeves.

So. I'm already PISSED for many reasons.

1. PISSED because I took my ass all the way to the North Side, only to be screwed-over and let-down

2. PISSED because I feel like such a fucking fool.

3. PISSED because, now, I'm soaking wet.

Then, still on the phone, "friend" hits me with this Zen shit about "taking initiative"...Oh no he didn't just try that flip-the-fucking-script shit? Well. THAT was all I needed for me to POP OFF and let him have it before his phone went out or before he hung up on me or whatever-the-fuck.

Anyway, I hit so-called "friend" up on Tuesday with a txt, asking if he was going to apologize to me. And, he said that he wasn't going to. Which means, that he's OUT...I'm done with him now.

I'm mad because I allowed myself to feel some kinda way about this whole situation...I'm getting too soft.

I have to remember and expect that people will always screw me over or let me down or disappoint me...and, THAT'S why I have to keep them at arms length.

I need to be in CONTROL...either things get done MY way, or whoever's tagging along can just get left behind.

I realized long ago that, in "friendships", I hold people to much higher expectations and standards than I myself expect to be held to...it is what it is. Should I work on that?...whatever!

Diamonds Are Forever.

;-)

6-24-2008

Information can be useful/helpful...It can also bite one in the ass, and have one wishing that he could erase what he's just learned...Not because its bad, but, because its information that should be learned gradually rather than in one large dose.

I guess, to me, information can almost like a drug...Once I've had a taste, I want more...

Will I ever stop digging?......Nah, I'm such a junkie! Pretending to be anything other would be quite the charade.

;-)

6-15-2008

I'm afraid.

I'm afraid that when I become a police officer I won't do as good a job
as I want to do...that I'll somehow lose faith in myself because I'll
realize that I can't make a difference in people's lives.

I'm afraid that I'll remain a slave to my current job...even AFTER I
have a diploma...just out of pure fear of change.

What if I'm wrong about what I'm supposed to be doing with my life?

What if, when I reach that Fork in the Road, I unknowingly choose the
wrong direction?

I have some thinking to do.

;-)

My Thoughts On...Steve Wilkos

I've been catching his little "show" on and off for a while now. Its basic premise is...Steve spending an hour yelling at guests for various reasons. Maybe they're just plan morally reprehensible, or they've wronged someone else (who come to the show for "help" or
"vindication").

Bitch please! Its all too obvious what this Ego Trip Circus is really about.

Its a personal Ego-Feeder for good ole Stevie. What is an Ego-Feeder? Yes, its a term I've made up. Its ANYTHING that we, as people, purposely do in order to feed our own Ego's. Some are good/innocent, others are bad. Prime examples?...Kids teasing each other for various reasons, adults talking about each other, women making catty comments, and, sometimes, Gay men "reading" each other (LOL).

Anyway, I can just imagine the producers of this show going through whatever process they go through to choose the most morally irreprehensible people for this guy to berate on national television....WITH NO RESOLUTION WHAT-SO-EVER!!

Don't get me wrong, SOMETIMES its really entertaining and funny to watch Mr. Wilkos basically "read" someone for pure filth.

Oh yes sir, I often wish I had my own show, where I could yell "I'm better than you!" at social miscreants, and boost my own Ego...I think everyone would love to just have there own version.

This show is in its first season, and its already tired. I give half of another season.

Side Note: I'm not defending any of the quest from this show. I'm just saying...This spectacle is about as "real" as Jerry Springer.

Funny thing is, if I'm around my TV at 2-whatever, I always found myself thinking/saying "Lets see who Steve is screaming at today." Then I wait or General Hospital to go to commercial and change the channel.

;-)

Shame On Me...For Not "Trying" At My Full Potential?

So, when people ask me about my grades and how I'm doing in school, EVERYONE, for some reason, is shocked by how average I do (Ugh! That grammer did not sound cute). People are always assuming that, since I'm quite and keep to myself, that I MUST be sooo smart....From their lips to my ears.

Maybe I don't see what everyone else seems to see yet? Not too long ago, I used to be very Hermione-ish. I used to make sure that I was on top of everything before I actually had to be. I would start on papers the first week on class...when they were actually due much later on. I used to lay in bed with my overpriced text books and read/hi-lite the info we might go over in class.

But, all of that being said, at that time, I was a job-less full-time student with nothing else on my radar. I realized that being a student didn't pay the bills or buy me new cloths or help me with a lot of the things that I wanted to do. In other words, I realized that it was time for my grown ass to get a damn J-O-B and start making money, so that I could have financial freedom and stability.

The thing is, now that I'm working and making other plains, my focus is split, and my priorities have shifted...due to my situation of being an ADULT who NEEDS to make a steady income to SURVIVE. I mean, fuck!...I don't have parents who send me cash, or receive financial-aid like everyone else. And, come on, I work all night til 4am 5-days a week! I'm tired a lot!

Anyway, somewhere down the road, I stopped applying myself...and, I think that should change before I get into a pattern of doing this with everything else. Yeah, my work sitch is going to stay the same, and hopefully I'll have second job soon. But, maybe I should start going at my full potential? What if my full potential isn't enough for a lot of things that I want to do with my life?

Ugh! Whatever! I'll at least give it a try...I guess it cant hurt.

;-)

Call Damnit!

Well, earlier tonight, It finally happened...I gave Mr. Cool my number,
when I got to work!

I saw him waiting outside for the bus, and didn't really know what to
do. And, since I can't leave shit alone, instead of just normally
playing "cool" and being shy, I said "fuck it", and went over to his
fine ass! (I actually planned to get to work early, for the sole purpose
of catching him, and giving him The Digits...I just didn't expect to see
him so soon, and I wouldn't have been able to face myself if passed up
this chance.)

Anyway, we said our "whuddups", "dapped", and one minute into our cute
little convo...I asked if he had his phone on him (LOL, I know right!)!!
He definitely knew what was up...because, as soon as he whipped out his
flat and slick lil' Sprint Blackberry PDA thingy, he went straight to the
"New Contact" screen (YESSIR!).

I fumbled around with his gadget while put my info in it, had a cute
little moment when I asked him for a lil editing help, and voila!...He
had my number (I wanted to put the "ball" in his court). We had a little
more lite convo, and before I left, to go in the job, I said "Hit me up
later, so I get your number." He nodded, I left, and I walked into work
with the biggest grin on my face. And, yea, I thought about him all
night long (LMAO!).

Ugh!...I just hope he actually his me with a call or text this weekend!
If he doesn't, he doesn't...If he does, he does...It is what it is. I'm
not gonna shamelessly chase after ANYONE...He knows how to reach me now.

Side note: - Cool introduced himself, to me, a couple nights ago...AFTER I INTRODUCED MYSELF FIRST! The next night, after we said our "whuddups" and got a lil' physical and parted ways, I happened to turn around to get a last look at his swagger, and caught him checking me out!

;-)

Constricting My Raging Boa...

I've had it! Enough is enough is enough is enough! I'm making the
switch!

Allow me to direct your attention to something that needs directing
to...Controlling those damned "Boners", "Hard-on's", or whatever-the-fuck
kind of vernacular you like to use for your Erections, that just pop-up
at the MOST awkward and unneeded times. Like, when your at work (ugh!),
in class, on public transportation, at the club, etc...We all have
stories (LMAO). Ugh! And, don't you just hate when your wearing jeans,
and have to try to stand up and walk with that thing (if you point str8
out, that is)? And, don't even get me started on basket-ball/hoop/gym
shorts! Or khakis!

Anyway, I'm putting an end to this "pressing" "protruding" "hard" little
quark. This weekend, I'm doing an overhaul...On my drawz! I have mostly
Boxers, with a couple pairs of Boxer-Briefs in the mix. But, now, I'm
making the switch to ONLY snug-fitting Boxer-Briefs (awww the nutz are
gonna be so comfy & happy, LOL). Just gotta find the right "Big-Box" or
Department store where I can get drawz that are not only cute, yet say:
"manly & suave" (LOL).

;-)