Mr. Wine vs. Mr. Tequlia...The Age-Old Battle

A few weeks ago, I was chatting with a longtime buddy of mine. To make a long story short, I liked him years ago, he didn't act interested, I grew up and realized exactly the type of guys I really liked, he came back around, told me he had a "thing" for me now, and I basically had to break it to him that he wasn't my "type" anymore. In breaking this news to him, a funny notion started cooking in my mind. And, it made perfect sense. I'm hoping it'll make to you guys and gals too.

Let me be the first to say it...Men are like cocktails. Some guys are smooth and sophisticated, like wine. While others are wild and leave you with a hangover, like tequila or whatever hard liquor you might prefer. After taking a minute to really think about it, I realized that its not
only true, but the philosophical battle between the two, Mr. Wine and Mr. Tequila, has been going on for ages. And, most recently, they've been having a tennis match in my own head.

Like I mentioned before, "wine" guys are smooth and sophisticated. They also tend to older, drama free, tame, mature, and more straightforward about their feelings. Case in point, I actually dated a "wine" guy for almost two months. I also hooked up with one this past Summer, but, that's for another time. Anyway, I met a massage therapist by the name
of "Hands" in August. We met while I was modeling shirtless at the Chicago Pride booth, at Market Days. At first, it was just a passing flirtation while I handed him a flyer. But, little did I know that Hands and I would end up meeting that night, at a downtown club.

While at Shadow Bar, with my guys, Hands and I ran into each other as if fate itself had willed it so. I thought he was cute, he liked how I looked with my shirt off, and two minutes of witty conversation later we were exchanging numbers. We ended up talking and texting ourselves into that following Mondays' mid-afternoon lunch date at a downtown "gourmet" burger spot that I had seen on the Zagat site. The date went really well. As it turned out, Hands was a 32 year-old educated, well-traveled, driven, sweetheart who worked in Chicago's Financial District while pursuing a career as a massage therapist. We hit it off well, even though I was a little put off by our age difference. I mean, lets face it, while he was hitting puberty, I was still in diapers and potty training.

During the course of us dating, I noticed that he liked me a lot more than I liked him. Apparently, he felt the "spark", while I, on the other hand, didn't. I liked Hands, but, I just didn't feel "over the moon" about him. After we parted I realized what was really wrong. To anyone else, Hands would be "Mr. Right". But, to me, he was boring. He was too nice, too tame, didn't like going out or partying much, and he was too easy to be with. Basically, Hands was a "Wine" guy. He wasn't wild, crazy, adventurous, fun, and challenging puzzle...like a "Tequila" guy...like H.B., who I've spent a lot of time with last Summer, or like the other guys that I'm attracted to.

Does this all mean that I'm secretly attracted to..."bad boys"?

;-)

Doomed: A History Lesson

*Listening To*
"It's All Over but the Crying (Remix)" by. Garbage


I've always know this, deep down, but now I actually have conformation. I'm 22yrs, and I've never dated anyone, never been in a relationship, never had boyfriend, and I've never really "talked" to a guy for more than week. And, I've come to realize that things are going this way for the rest of my life...22, 32, 42, 52, etc.

How did I come to realize this? Well, I've been thinking...which is basically a coin-toss of whether or not something good might come from it. Anyway, I've been thinking, marinating with my thoughts, and thinking of questions for my "research" into my family's past...and my future.

And what does it all come back to? Genetics.

While in thought, I started to trace things and put things together and connect the dots. I wanted to know why I can't seem to even develop healthy relationships much less be involved in one. So, I started with the small family that I do have left. So, there's my Nana (67), my Grandfather (65), my Uncle (47), and my Aunt (41).

As far as I know, Nana's only been in one big relationship...with the father of her children (grandpa)...who she divorced back in the 70s. And, there's been NOBODY else since then. Grandfather has had continuous whatevers with women who use him. Uncle is in his forties, has a career in charity work, and alone. And, Aunt (the fag hag) is also in her forties, man-less, and has never had a successful relationship.

After going through everyone's situation, I started to think: What about my Mother? Granted, she died when she was 35, but she was a lot different from everyone else in our family, and remember her dating or seeing someone when I was a kid. Which leads me to one of the most awkward and weirdest conversations I've ever had to have...I was forced to call Nana and ask her about my mom's (her daughter's) romantic life.

Here's how THAT went:

Ya ya ya...Blah blah blah...

Roc: "So, did my mom ever have any successful relationships?"

Nana: "What? Did you want to know if your mother ever had sexual relations?"

Sidebar: Oh god, kill me now. I did NOT ask you THAT grandma! Granted, I had just gotten off the subway, and there was a considerable amount of background noise on my end...but still, that whole exchange was just something that should never have happened!

Roc: "No! Did my mom ever have any SUCCESSFUL relationships?!"

Nana: "Oh!...SUCCESSFUL relationships."

Roc: "yeah....like dating or long-term relationships."

Nana: "Well, I don't think she really "dated" anyone. But, she "saw"
people."

Nana: "I guess her relationship with your father was successful...right?"

Roc: "Ummm NO! Not at all!"

Sidebar: Really Nana!? You consider THAT to be a "successful" relationship!? So, I guess my mom's only "real" relationship involved having an accident-kid with a guy who cheated on her and brought needless drama into her life, until she cut ties with him? Seriously!?! This is the kind of fucked up thinking doesn't surprise me at all.

Anyway, during our conversation, I realized that its all GENETIC. One of the main reasons why I left,a few years ago, was because I didn't want to end up like the rest of my family. But, I realize, now, that I'll never be happy with anyone. I'll never be able to have anything close to a "healthy" relationship with a guy, because its not in my DNA. And, even if I ever come close to having something "serious", with someone, I'm pretty sure I'll fuck things up somehow.

I guess Shirley Manson was right...Certain things DO turn ugly, when you think too hard.

;-)

8-13-2008

I've felt like an emotional wreck for the past few weeks.

The past weekend just left me feeling a lot of things. I spent my past few Satuday nites at home, instead of going out to anything or meet anyone. I just don't have anyone to go anywhere with...but, I shouldn't let that stop me.

I'm no longer in "love" with Heartbreaker, after the past weekend. He can be kind of an asshole at times...but, I still, and will probably always, like him...Well, like the sweet guy he likes to hide from everyone. But, I also realized that there really can't be anything romantic for us...at least not for now. I'm over that whole deal. But, I'm cool with us being buddies or whatever. Its BEEN time for me to move on. And, I need to get back out there and go back to meeting new people and having new experiences.

On my ride home from work tonight, I listened to "Love Ridden" by Fiona Apple.

;-)

7-2-2008

For the time being, "friends" are out, and "associates" are in.

A so-called "friend" let me down the other day. Since I've never been to a Gay Pride before, I took my ass all the up to the damn North Side (an area I'm not familiar with) to meet-up with so-called "friend" for some Gay Pride festivities. When I got all the way up there, I called him numerous times for directions to their location, he didn't answer, so I took my ass back on the train, went home, and ordered a pizza.

I got on the train, leaving the North Side, feeling like a total fool. And, hopping on a train full of Gays sporting their smiles and multi-colored beads and significant others and various other Pride goodies didn't help my mood at all. Mid-way through my solom commute back home, the so-called "friend" calls me back and gives me a semi valid excuse as to why he didn't answer when I called earlier. I didn't give a fuck about his excuse. Excuses only make me angrier...no matter how valid or reasonable they are. All I know is that I want what I want...And, if I can't have it, I don't want ANYTHING at all.

In the middle of this call, I'm outside, and a fucking mini rainstorm starts...and, I'm umbrella-less, wearing shorts with no socks, and short sleeves.

So. I'm already PISSED for many reasons.

1. PISSED because I took my ass all the way to the North Side, only to be screwed-over and let-down

2. PISSED because I feel like such a fucking fool.

3. PISSED because, now, I'm soaking wet.

Then, still on the phone, "friend" hits me with this Zen shit about "taking initiative"...Oh no he didn't just try that flip-the-fucking-script shit? Well. THAT was all I needed for me to POP OFF and let him have it before his phone went out or before he hung up on me or whatever-the-fuck.

Anyway, I hit so-called "friend" up on Tuesday with a txt, asking if he was going to apologize to me. And, he said that he wasn't going to. Which means, that he's OUT...I'm done with him now.

I'm mad because I allowed myself to feel some kinda way about this whole situation...I'm getting too soft.

I have to remember and expect that people will always screw me over or let me down or disappoint me...and, THAT'S why I have to keep them at arms length.

I need to be in CONTROL...either things get done MY way, or whoever's tagging along can just get left behind.

I realized long ago that, in "friendships", I hold people to much higher expectations and standards than I myself expect to be held to...it is what it is. Should I work on that?...whatever!

Diamonds Are Forever.

;-)

6-3-2008

I haven't written anything in a while. For the past couple weeks, I've been so busy with moving into this new place and running here-&-there to get this-&-that...and still working at night.

I LOVE this new area! Its metropolitan, multicultural, and, there's Take-Out places and date spots galore!! I'm staying in this borough forever...the next best area would be the Loop or downtown.

Anyway, Shorty, the guy I had that great date with, almost a month ago, isn't on my radar anymore...we weren't meant to work. He's a GREAT guy, but...We hadn't even gone on a second date yet, and he was ALREADY making more apologies, for plains that fell through, then I could count. It is what it is.

Its like the saying goes: "When one door closes, another door opens."

;-)

Huh...Interesting.

So, today I finally got the KEY to my new apartment...YAY! I don't actually "move in" for a couple weeks, but, this gives the the opportunity to buy things from Whatever Store and take them straight to the new place. Instead of lugging everything to the dorm and then from the dorm to the apartment.

Interesting development:

I found out that a guy I talked to for a hot second, back in March, is actually living in my new building. How do I know this? Because we crossed paths today...in the building's lobby!

Since we only hung out ONCE, I'm assuming he doesn't remember who I am....which is fine and dandy.

Why did we only hang out ONCE? Because of his damn attitude! He's sexy as fuck, but, that damn attitude that he likes to don is NOT cute...He actually has some "Candy Girl" ways about him (thanks for the term, Derrick)....Which I'm not into.

(Would've been nice if he'd waited a few dates BEFORE he showed me his "other" side. LOL!)

So, here's the rundown on what happened with WCG (Wannabe Candy Girl)...We met online. We talked on the phone and had a nice chemistry. We set up a little date-hangout thing. We were hanging out at his temporary place, and having a nice little time, until...He threw a damn TANTRUM! Well, not really a "tantrum" parse. More like a fucking Bitch-Fit. Why? Because his cable reception was acting up, and he couldn't watch the stupid Making The Band finale and see his precious Danity Kane perform.

Me, being the cool-headed guy that I am, mearly suggested that he could watch it online the next day or catch the 20 repeats on MTV. After that, he THREW ME OUT! What a terrible hostess!

So, on my way home, via txt, he tells me he's "sorry". And, I let him have it...I was pissed! I did a little "future math" and figured that his Bitch-Fit was only a taste of what to expect if I were to ever become involved with this guy. And, I'm too laid-back and cute to be always dealing with someone who has Drama DeJour. So, I left his ass alone, chalked it up as experience, and moved on.

If we cross paths again (which I'm sure we will)? I'll keep it cute and professional.

Anyhow, living situation aside, last weekend I went out on my first REAL date with a really great guy. It was romantic, there was chemistry, there was some PDA, and, it was just a great time.

;-)

These Things Happen ONLY To ME...aka The Universe Is The One Hell Of A Bitch!

***Listening To***
"Paper Bag" By. Fiona Apple

Once again, someone else has something that I want! Its ONLY Monday and I'm ALREADY getting screwed this week!

So, get into this, I met this HOTT guy on the subway, on Friday, on my way home from downtown. We exchanged glances, and I noticed the gear he had with him...Photography gear. I thought it was kinda cool he was into Photography, so I started a conversation with him about his hobby, when we got off at our stop. Oh yeah, before all this, I first noticed that he was a fellow Gay.

Anyhow, we talked for second and exchanged numbers before we got on our separate buses(more like I asked for his number, and he gave it up). As it turns out, he's actually a fashion photographer, and its been his passion for about 3-years, and also he's in college studying his passion . So, lets call him "Nikon".

Nikon and I texted a little on Friday-just small-talk ish, and over the weekend. Since he had shoots all weekend, there wasn't really any chance of talking much less getting to meet up.

That being said, we had THIS nice little text-chat tonight, before I went to work:

Me: "Yo! Wassup?"

Nikon: "Workin Out"

Me: "Awww. How was ur day?"

Nikon: "A lil slow."

Me: "What r u doin this weekend?"

Nikon: "Shooting as always."

Me: "Well, if ur done early enough on saturday and if I dont have 2 work, I was wondering if you wanted 2 go out."

Nikon: "Out? Out where?"

Me: "I dunno...its only monday! LOL! Get something to eat, hangout, etc..."

Nikon: "Like a date?"

Me: "Yes...like a date or whatever."

Nikon: "Lol...Thanks but I'm engaged...I shouldnt be goin on dates."

Side Bar: WHAT THE FUCK!?!?

Me: "Really? 4 how long?"

Nikon: "Not very long..."

Nikon: "I'm kiddin but I am with some 1."

And, there you go. Someone with all the qualities that I look for in a man, including the fact that he's gay, happens to be someone else's property. It would much easier if I could say he led me on...But, he didn't. I knew it was only a matter of time before the Universe found a way to screw me once again. But, it is what it is...I'll never have a boyfriend or a healthy relationship...And that's fine. By the time I'm older (40-ish), gays will be getting married all over the place...And, I'll have my career, my cats, and my ice-cream. Assuming that I don't become desperate enough to throw my "standards" out the window and start hopping on everything, with two legs and a dick, that gives me the slightest attention.

It is what it is...

By the way, there should be some kind of "ID" system for the Gays. Like a bracelet or a ring or something, that's color-coded, in order to figure out if someone is either Single or Taken or in an Open Relationship or whatever-the-fuck. Just a damn thought!!!

;-)

Excuses Are For Lazy People...And I've Been Making A Few Of Them Lately.

***Listening To***
"Push It" By. Garbage

"I'm too tired." "I don't have time." "I'm at work all night." "Ugh!...I'll do it later/tomorrow." "The weekend is ONLY two days...I need to rest!"

Yes! These are a few of the excuses that I tell myself when it comes to school work, writing my comic, going to the gym, revising my resume, looking for a bartending gig, and a couple other things.

Here's a cute little example: Three or so weeks ago, I got in from work Friday-night-Saturday-morning (4am friday nite), did my laundry, said I'd put my cloths up later on, and went to bed at 7-8am. A couple weeks later?...I'm picking my socks and underwear out of the blue laundry-bag
I put them in, after they dried. LMAO!!! And, now, that bag is about to be empty! Its a lazy mess!

That being said, for the past week I've been on this "kick" of getting off my ass and getting things done. Hell, yesterday (Thurs) I got off my ass and decided to get back into the habit of working out. This weekend, I'm going to shine-up my resume and start writing SOMETHING for my novel/comic.

By the way, I realized that the whole "I don't have time" shtick is a little bit of bullshit, depending on the situation. If something is really important and a priority, one has to MAKE time for it.

;-)

The Jump-Off That Could've Been.

Well, I'm just getting in from work...But, 20mins ago, I almost had a "Jump off"!!

I was at the subway/bus terminal (at 4am), waiting for my bus with everyone else, listening to my iPod, when I noticed this madd cute nigga glancing at me. Then, he gives me the "wassup" nod. And, I gave it back....Then, we kept glancing at each other. After that, he walked out to where the buses park/wait. I saw my bus, and plained on geting it, but I walked towards "Dennis" instead (hey, I wanted to get his damn number...Okay!).

I walked up to "Dennis", and we exchanged "whuddups", names, and what-not...Then, he gave me some story about how he got locked outta his house and now he was on his way back home cuz somebody was there to let him in now...Yada yada yada. He then asked if I was trying to get into "something". I told him: "Naw, I'm bout 2 go home...I'm madd tired". Then, he wanted to know if he could come to my crib and "kick it"...NOW!!

I laughed, and told him: "Naw!...I dont even know you all-like-that." (it didnt help that he pointed out that my dick was madd hard, while I was being all serious with him) He then want on about how he's a "real good dude" and that I could even pat-him-down to make sure he didnt have anything on him. I said: "Yea, you seem like a good dude." He came back with (while grining and licking his sexy-ass lips): "Yea, you aint seen nothin' yet."

I laughed again, and asked if he had a phone so he could hit me up sometime. He told me it was turned off right now! Anyway, I wrote down my number on an envelope he had in his pocket, and told him to call whenever (Shut up! I was curious!). We then walked to another bus stop, where it wouldn't be sooo many people around (I was ready to hurt dude, if he wanted to pull some greasy-ass-shyt). During our convo, I told him: "Yo! I dont do shyt like that ( random jump-off's)..."You do this all the time, dont you." He said: "Nope! I just saw you, and thought you was cute, and liked you."

He then want on, AGAIN, about how he was a "good dude" and that I could pat-him-down...And, I did...Twice!!!! It felt sooooo fucking good to touch and feel-up-on this cute ass nigga (Hey!! I haven't touched a damn man in YEARS!...Dammit, can you blame me for wanting to have a lil' fun?)!!

Anyway, we talked a little more, and then the second bus was coming...He asked: "So, we cant kick it?" I said: "Not now, call me." He then gave me the "So, its like that?" shyt. I just told him to hit me up, got on my bus, and watched him walk back to get his train...And, I thought "Why can't the "right" one's be that bold...DAMMIT!!"

Bottom Line: "Dennis" is/was...
1. Either slow...Or high? Maybe a combo of both?
2. 22.
3. Cell's turned off.
4. Job-less.
5. Working on getting his...GED!?!?
6. A smoker.
7. Most likely a user.

Ugh!! You really cant judge a book by its handsome cover!