A couple weeks ago, I had the experience of a lifetime. I got the chance to actually participate in the Chicago Gay Pride Parade this year. It came through a gig that I scored with the company who's float I was on. I don't even know where to start.
I was working the float with Mystique Summers, from the second season of LOGO's "RuPaul's Drag Race". I was actually surprised by how funny, smart, and just plain down-to-earth she was. Its always interesting meeting people, from Reality TV, away from the cameras. Anyway, when the parade started, it felt as if my heart was going to fly right out of my chest. But, seeing millions of my fellow Gays, Lesbians, Transgenders, and Bisexuals cheering us on simply took away all my anxiety.
Even though wearing a skin-tight silver body suit is not the most comfortable thing to wear on a sunny near 90° day, I had a greatest time of my life. With everyone cheering, wanting photos, and showing me so much love, I really felt proud to be apart of our colorful Gay community. Seeing all of us coming together to create such a powerful positive energy really inspired me. This was our day, and if we really want to, we could rule the world. I felt as if I was actually apart of making History.
I always understood the reason for the Gay Pride festivities, but, that day I finally GOT IT.
I guess that shy little Gay boy, who moved to the Windy City all but five years ago, has come a long way.
Just over two years ago, I started venturing into the Gayborhood. Now, years later, I'm so gay that I'm actually going to be in the Chicago Gay Pride Parade. Yes, this weekend, June 27, I will be performing(dancing) on one of the floats in the parade!! I scored a modeling gig with "PrettyBoy Magazine". I'm so excited!
Its feels like its been years since I've posted or written anything! The weird thing is that I've been drafting a lot of posts, but procrastinated when it came to finishing anything. Since my last post, in January, I've been so busy and drained from both school and work. But, I'm back now, have lots to write about. For some reason, I feel like certain classes that I've been taking in college have been stifling me on a creative level...I guess.
I'll be back to posting before this coming weekend.
Its weird how a simple yes or no question can be so complex at the same time. Not only is it complex, its a loaded question at that. I hate loaded questions. Some loaded questions put me that mode called "your damned if you do, your damned if you don't". The guy that in currently dating, on a casual basis, asked me the above question, last night, via a phone conversation.
He asked if I was "ready for love", and after I got on my invisible soapbox and read him the riot act for asking me such a loaded question, I said "I don't know". After that, the conversation shifted, and I once again had to pull out my soapbox to give him my half-feminist half-militant speech on how I feel about relationships in general. Basically, I told him that relationships are institutions of control, I would be damned if I ever allowed another man to have control over me, and that I like having the freedom to do what/who ever I please. I was being honest. Some days, I wish that I were in one of those "loving" relationships. But, other days, I'm glad to have my freedom as a single man in his twenties.
Once upon a time, I did honestly want to fall in "love" with the man of my dreams and have my first and maybe last boyfriend. I lived in the fairy tale delusion that if I found my "Prince Charming", that his "love" would solve all of my problems and clean up the mess known as Me. Well, the Universe bitch slapped into reality. I found him, fell in "love" with him, he broke my heart, and he ended up choosing to be with someone who's less complicated than me. I personally don't feel like going through that experience all over again. I licked my wounds, grew up, and now I'm smart enough to know not to let it happen again. Its kind of like the verse from that Rihanna song, "Rehab", "...And I'll never give myself to another the way I gave it to you...Don't even recognize the ways you hurt me do you?".
Ok, my birthday was yesterday. But, since I had to work, I'm celebrating it this entire weekend (the 30-31st). I really want to take on being 23 with something different. A new outlook of things, a new attitude, and maybe trying a more "grown up" look. It is a year of Change right?
All that being said, and without being too wordy, this is a "Ask the Writer" post that I've been curious about trying for a while. Since I'm turning 23, I figure why not?
Here's how it goes: Readers can ask me as many questions as they like. But, of those questions, I will answer only 23 of the best and most interesting questions, which will be answered in an upcoming post. This post will stay up for 2-3 weeks, just to give people time to either find it or have time to think...there's no rush!
By the way, if you follow my Twitter, roca_fella07, you might already know...I got my nipples pierced the other day! I'm I still a prude?
A long time ago, when I started this Blog/Journal, a few posts in, I wrote a post about being celibate. Well, that's not the case anymore. That's right everyone, as of January 1st of this year, I'm no longer celibate. Was it all just a "phase"?
Why did I give up being celibate after nearly three years? I realized that, being a little older now, that I have a good enough "filtering" system, for figuring out whether or not a guy is "sponge worthy". Plus, I came to the conclusion that, if I want any hope of keeping a guy around, I'm going to have to start having sex. And, the whole "I'm celibate" thing isn't going to work if I want someone to be in a relationship with me.
Things have gotten interesting...To say the least.
Its amazing what can happen in just a year's time. A year ago, I lost my "clubbing" virginity, and told you guys all about it. And, I remember it, just like it was yesterday.
A few weeks ago, I was looking through the various Club flyer's I had laying on one of my bedside tables, and it dawned on me. I've come such a long long long way from the club "virgin" I once was. That night, I was actually debating on where I wanted to spend my night...based on which place had the least expensive admission, the stronger/bigger/best priced drinks, etc.
I was surprised by how much my knowledge of the Club scene has expanded, in under a year. Now, I know which places, on certain nights, have which "drink specials". I've figured out where I can get more for my money. I figured out which crowds go to what places...meaning, I know where the hot guys and diverse crowds are.
Surprisingly, along the way, I've gotten "competed" drinks, discounted admission, been put on a few "VIP" list, and even gotten free porn. I like going to different places, and getting a "feel" for different environments. But, its great that, the more place I go to, the more choices I have for how I want to spend my free and single nights.
It feels like, a few months ago, I just went to sleep one night and woke up in some alternate world. Like when Catwoman took her little trip the the Hell Planet...The world is the same, but with subtle differences in MY life. (I'm such a Comic geek!)
I say this because, for some time now, everything has been going extremely smoothly and NORMAL in my life...Suspiciously smooth. Which hasn't been the case in quite a while.
School has been going really well...I don't owe them any money now...I've been able to register for both Summer and Fall classes ALREADY...I'm moving off campus to avoid those outrageous housing fees.
Everything with my first apartment is going great so far...I'm really looking forward to having my own place.
And, as far as I can see, things are going to smooth in the foreseeable future also.
And, as self-sufficient as I am, a part of wants to say that the only thing missing is...a good man.
All of that being said, subconsciously, I'm waiting for that proverbial Other Shoe to drop.
But, I'm not stupid, so I'm going to enjoy the Wins where I can get them...for as long as they last.
*Listening To* "Part Of Me" by. En Vouge "Mobile" by. Avril Lavigne "Purple Rain" by. Prince
So, one month from this date...On May 29th...I officially turn 22.
I say "officially" because I consider myself to be older, ever year at New Years, when the clock hits midnight. I don't really do anything different on my Birthday...its just another day. I mean, after my mom died, the day just lost all its "pzazz". Considering she was ALWAYS the one who made such a big deal out of the day.
And, I'm always alone on my birthday...even before I ran away from Cleveland, after high school, and moved to Chicago. And, now, there's absolutely NO ONE around to make anything of it.
There's just no reason to celebrate...So, I just forget about it like its any other day.
Anyhow, I was at work, one night last week, just thinking. And, then it hit me...I'm more outspoken then I used to be! I'm not all shy about opening my damn mouth about a lot of things anymore. I'm not afraid to look people square in the eyes and tell them what I think. I'm becoming more and more "comfortable" and confident with...ME! Does that even make sense?
Don't get me wrong, I'm still the same ole quiet Me...A man of few words. THAT is one of the things that will NEVER change...Its one of the things that make me...ME!
That being said, I'm definitely NOT as passive (let shit slide, lay down and take whatever) as I used to be.
Ugh! My damn Internet connection was out ALL damn weekend...I came home from work Friday-night-Saturday-morning ready to relax with my snack and watch an episode of "Lost" online, when, to my chagrin, the damn Internet was off in the whole damn building. Meaning that I couldn't post anything all weekend.
Luckily, the weekend wasn't a complete lost.
Just a few things:
I went out Saturday night and had a nice time.
I've started looking for an apartment online, and found a place for $500 a month utilities included in the rent....Hopefully, I won't have to go all "Ty Posington" and a dump into a palace...Granted, I haven't SEEN it yet. But, that being said, I hope to in my new place on my birthday (May 29th).
Since my class is canceled, this coming Friday, I've decided to go on another job interview...At a new bar downtown.
I've decided that, since I want to take the exam for the Police Department later this summer, I'm going to try to a summer course that'll help me with it.
So, when people ask me about my grades and how I'm doing in school, EVERYONE, for some reason, is shocked by how average I do (Ugh! That grammer did not sound cute). People are always assuming that, since I'm quite and keep to myself, that I MUST be sooo smart....From their lips to my ears.
Maybe I don't see what everyone else seems to see yet? Not too long ago, I used to be very Hermione-ish. I used to make sure that I was on top of everything before I actually had to be. I would start on papers the first week on class...when they were actually due much later on. I used to lay in bed with my overpriced text books and read/hi-lite the info we might go over in class.
But, all of that being said, at that time, I was a job-less full-time student with nothing else on my radar. I realized that being a student didn't pay the bills or buy me new cloths or help me with a lot of the things that I wanted to do. In other words, I realized that it was time for my grown ass to get a damn J-O-B and start making money, so that I could have financial freedom and stability.
The thing is, now that I'm working and making other plains, my focus is split, and my priorities have shifted...due to my situation of being an ADULT who NEEDS to make a steady income to SURVIVE. I mean, fuck!...I don't have parents who send me cash, or receive financial-aid like everyone else. And, come on, I work all night til 4am 5-days a week! I'm tired a lot!
Anyway, somewhere down the road, I stopped applying myself...and, I think that should change before I get into a pattern of doing this with everything else. Yeah, my work sitch is going to stay the same, and hopefully I'll have second job soon. But, maybe I should start going at my full potential? What if my full potential isn't enough for a lot of things that I want to do with my life?
Ugh! Whatever! I'll at least give it a try...I guess it cant hurt.
As I've said before, I don't really consider myself to be "fun" or interesting. I'm a boring guy, with stupid/boring interests, who has nothing to bring to the table in a relationship, and who's passionate about nothing. Come on, lets face it, NOBODY wants to be in a sex-less relationship with a boring person...Its just a fact. I need to live in the reality that, if I find myself involved with someone (which I doubt will EVER happen.), it'll be over before it starts...Assuming I'm honest and upfront from the beginning.
Anyway, I was thinking...I'm not exactly "living". I'm more like existing. I guess it comes from the way I dealt with my mother's death and growing up fast, when I was younger. I spent my teen years just going to school and coming home and not really doing the whole "social" thing, that most kids my age were doing. Senior year came around, and work was added to the mix. One of the reasons why I left home, after high school, was so that I could be on my own and live my own life, without being bothered with my family. In other words, I wanted to be free to live my own life, on my terms...And, I am.
I guess, what I'm wondering is...Now that I'm an adult, how do I become someone who enjoys life, instead of just existing in it?
Fresh of the heels of Saturday night's disappointment, I decided that I WAS NOT going to stay in bed, all day Sunday, pitying myself and eating (LOL). So, I got off my ass, got showered, dressed, and decided that I was going to run to Blockbuster and have my own movie-nite. By the way, I originally had plains with "You-Know-Who", but, the bastard canceled on me AGAIN!...For the LAST time! I'll get to that some other time.
Anyway, I needed to do some thinking and cool off, so, I decided to take a nice little train ride to a Blockbuster downtown...Instead on the one down the street (LOL). Besides, it was kind of nice outside. When I got downtown, I took a little detour into Forever 21, caught a sale, and left with a new hoodie which was about 55% off (it was $35...and I got it for $13!!! Yay me!!). THAT feat alone was enough to lift my spirit!
I picked up a couple flicks, headed home, and had a nice night...Especially since I didn't have class the next day.
It finally happened today! I graduated from Bartending School, and I'm now a certified Mixologist/Bartender...BAM!! I'm now starting a REAL grown-up career, at 21.
I'm sooo proud of myself for this accomplishment, that now, when I look at my certificate/diploma, I can't help but grin (LOL). Hell, for the first couple hours, after I got it, my lil' ass couldn't stop cheesing'. Sure, the people probably thought I was crazy of something...But, as Tyra Banks says: "So What!" I'm gonna enjoy the "wins" that I earn, dammit (LMAO)!
When think back on the past few weeks, the lack of sleep, the daily commute, the hard work and practice, and the 16 cups of Dunkin' Donuts Cappuccino I drank through my classes?...It was all worth it! If not for the career move, than for the confidence boost. I feel kinda...Different. And I like it. At least now I'll think a little before I "pus-out" on something that might seem difficult. For example, trying to become a P.I.
I can't wait to start working at somebodies club or bar or lounge.
As it turns out, I'm one of those people who can learn (some) things/skills by actually DOING them. As you know, I'm currently in Bartending School. This is my third and last week, and surprisingly, I'm actually doing quite well. I don't know how, but I can remember various drinks, ingredients, how to mix things, etc. I'm thinking it has a lot to do with the practice bars that we use, to perfect our craft.
I haven't exactly "studied" the drink recipes...And, there's a lot of them (LOL)! Its more like I look at the recipe, go behind the bar, and make it as many times as I need to, to "get" it down. Sometimes, I even end up making my own variations on some of the things we've covered (I'll be sharing those, with you, soon LOL). Once again, I have no idea how, but with most of the drinks etc that the newbies have to learn, I automatically know what goes in them.
Anyway, I graduate on Monday. After Monday, I'll be an official certified Bartender. I'll have an actual "title". I didn't even see this coming. I NEVER expected to become a Bartender or Mixologist before I became a Cop. When I get my certificate, I definitely plain on laminating and framing that bitch ASAP. And, I can already feel the subtile changes that this accomplishment is making in my attitude, confidence, and my lil' "swagger" (LOL).
Another thing can't wrap my head around, is that I'm going to be starting an actual CAREER! Not another JOB or a GIG (even though I might call it that sometimes)...But, an actual Professional CAREER!...Along with the regular job I've had for the past year. I'm I ready? After all, it is one of the things I wanted to work toward in 2008.
As you know, I consider myself to be somewhat of a "Jack of All Trades". Have I really found one of the things that I could actually be GOOD, or in time, GREAT at? I guess only time and experience will tell.
I've had it! Enough is enough is enough is enough! I'm making the switch!
Allow me to direct your attention to something that needs directing to...Controlling those damned "Boners", "Hard-on's", or whatever-the-fuck kind of vernacular you like to use for your Erections, that just pop-up at the MOST awkward and unneeded times. Like, when your at work (ugh!), in class, on public transportation, at the club, etc...We all have stories (LMAO). Ugh! And, don't you just hate when your wearing jeans, and have to try to stand up and walk with that thing (if you point str8 out, that is)? And, don't even get me started on basket-ball/hoop/gym shorts! Or khakis!
Anyway, I'm putting an end to this "pressing" "protruding" "hard" little quark. This weekend, I'm doing an overhaul...On my drawz! I have mostly Boxers, with a couple pairs of Boxer-Briefs in the mix. But, now, I'm making the switch to ONLY snug-fitting Boxer-Briefs (awww the nutz are gonna be so comfy & happy, LOL). Just gotta find the right "Big-Box" or Department store where I can get drawz that are not only cute, yet say: "manly & suave" (LOL).
Well, in lou of my New Years post, I decided ot to waste any time, and set out on my first "adventure" for 2008. Saturday night, I decided to attend a Gay club for the very first time. I already knew where I wanted to go...Spin Night-Club, on the Northside. Saturdays are hip-hop & reggae night. The club closes at 3am, so I hopped on the subway at 11:30, and set off to the North.
Since friday and saturday nights are huge party/club nights, in Chicago, the train was just as full as if it were still daytime. I wasn't the only one looking to get into something that night (LOL). I have to admit, I was a little nervous on my train ride, not knowing what to expect. But, when we arrived at my stop, I knew there was no turning back. From being in that area times before, I knew exactly where I was going. Hell, there was even a cute guy, who i saw on the train, walking in the same direction (LOL).
From outside the club, I could hear the booming sounds coming from the backroom's dance floor. When I walked in, the door guys were so cheery and cool while they checked my ID, took my $5 cover, and stamped my hand. When I got into the main building, I was taken by how "chill" everything looked. The first part of the club is just a lounge with a bar, flat-screen tv's playing various videos, and pool tables. What I loved the most was how diverse the crowd was. Men, women, blacks, whites, latinos, young, and older...All in our "gayety" (LOL)! I walked into the backroom/party area and stood by a wall to soak in the atmosphere. Immediately, I took notice of a really cute carmel guy to my right, who was standing with another guy. As I looked aroung, I saw men dancing and chating with other men, and women dancing and chating with other women...And then I thought "Wow! This is just...GREAT!".
The guy from earlier noticed that I glanced at him a couple times, and started talking to me. I figured out later that his questions were the "usual", in this kind of place..."Where's your boyfriend?", "How come you don't got one?", etc. It turned out that Carmel was actually a "cat-daddy" (LOL). It just just happened to be his...42nd birthday!! I would not have EVER thought 42! 30 maybe! I asked him how he looked so good, and he said: "I don't let nothin' stress me baby!...Not my mama, not my grown daughter...!" Yeah, he was mos def under the "influence" (LOL). All I could do was grin. He then started dancing by me when his song started playing. I also found out that we gays love to get all touchy-feely with each other, in certain atmospheres. When Carmel Cat-daddy saw that he wasn't getting anywhere with me, he went over to hit on another "youngin" (who was my age.).
I decided that if I stayed in the same place for too long, people might start think that me and Carmel Cat-daddy were an item. So, I went to the bar, got my cocktail, and stood in a defferent area to listen to the music, checkout some eye-candy, and watch the videos playing on the walls. I realized that I didn't have to be a "dancer" in order to have a nice time...For I wasn't the only one just choosing to stand around and enjoy the show. Sipping on my drink, I was geting a lil' tipsy (the bartender used 95% vodka and 5% 7-up, LOL). As it turns out, the other "youngin", that Cat-daddy hit on, was dragged there by his two older friends (one of them introduced himself to me, and introduced me to "youngin" and his other buddy...Who were both bored.).
By the way, when Beyonce comes on...WATCH OUT! Because, the room goes crazy! LMAO!!
Anyway, as I was sipping my drink, checking out the various "man-candies" (a new word I invented), and getting checked out, I noticed this cute lil' guy that I saw on the dance floor earlier. Lets call him "Gangsta-Papi", LOL. He came over to me and we clinked our drinks together. We started talking, and he told me how "fucked up" he was...Which I was thinking: "Duh!" I stumbled a little bit, and he made a commint about me being "fucked up" too (LOL). I don't know how, but, we ended up leaving the backroom and went to sit in the lounge (It had to be the vodka in my system mixed his sexy ass cologne...Right?). He asked me where my dude was, I said I didn't have one. He asked why, and I said I ddn't know (LOL). He then lifted my cap, took a look, and said: "You sexy as fuck! How you don't gotta dude!?!". I said: "He didn't come around yet." (This was a double meaning.). He then said: "I think he right here!" (I know its not the BEST line, but, he was drunk...ok!).
After our little chat session, we just sat, looking into each others eyes, holding hands, touching, rubbing, licking our lips, and just being...GAY!! And I LOVED it!! I've been "sensual" with another guy before, and I was LOVING it!! Before I knew it, we were leaning into each other, and started kissing! Eventhough he was drunk and kissing kind of "sloopy-ish", he was still madd passionate. I've never experienced anything like that before, and it was great (And Papi's tongue was madd long too, LOL). When we came up for air, I suggested that he write his name/number on a napkin from the bar. But, he couldn't hear. All he could do was stare into my eyes, lick his juicy lips, and grin...Apparently, he was just mesmerized by me and blocked everything else out (LOL). Feeling the magnetic vibe between us, we leaned in again, and made out some more...This time, with Gangsta-Papi showing me much more passion than before! Damn!...He fucking mauled me!...And it felt tooo good! It lasted for a while, and after we came back up for air, he whispered in my ear: "You got me thru da roof shorty...Foreal!"
We played around a little bit more, in the lounge, and got up to go back to the party/backroom (he wanted to go back in). After he gave me a few more lines, they called "last call", and then the "vouging" started. That was...Interesting to say the least (LOL). After the dancing was over, Papi and I went back to the lounge and he gave me his phone so i could call mine from it, to get his number. After that, he went to find the friend he came with, I told him I'd hit him up, and I left.
Walking back to the train, I couldn't help but to have a Cheshire Cat grin planted on my face...Which lasted until I got back home. I haven't felt this good or confident in a WHILE (I was in need of some "validation")! It's the experience and "adventure" that i would never take back...I actually had a nice time there! And I wouldn't mind going back, just to chill in the lounge, have a drink, enjoy the videos on the plasma's, and play some pool.
This must be what its like to be Single...Going out, having a good time, being able to kiss and touch whoever, and not having obligations to any one person. I think like it!
Well, last year, my resolution was to become financially stable...Which I did! I got my current job last January, started saving, learned to spend smartly, and YAY!...I reached my goal. This year, I want to expand what I have, keep saving, and start investing.
This year, I want to start making more changes in my life. I'm already on my way to becoming a bartender (I'm crossing my fingers).
Theres's a few other things I want to work on in 2008:
1.Becoming more adventurous. 2. Stepping outside of my "box". 3. Give men another chance? 4. Being more focused on what I want. 5. Move into my first apartment. 6. Getting past my "issues". 7. NOT hesitating to take advantage of opportunities when they present themselves. 8. Changing my outlook on life? 9. Apply to the police academy & the fire department, during the summer.
Well, I guess this entry might be a little over due, seeing that I have ALWAYS wanted/needed to get this particular "issue" off my chest and out of my mind. And, since a new year is on its way, I want to start letting go of my "baggage"...So to speak. There was a moment in my life, in my childhood, that changed me forever and shaped who I've become today. No matter how deep I try to bury it, its still there...10 years later. It's the main reason why I have my "issues"...The main reason why I can't really get close to ANYONE, or trust ANYONE, or love ANYONE, or even want to be loved by ANYONE. Its why I've never dated ANYONE, and partly why I avoid my family now that I'm an adult.
1997...
Until Augest 15th 1997, I grew up with my single mother, in our nice lil' apartment. By the time I was 11, I was already used to being a "latch-key" kid, since we lived in the city and I was madd smart, responsible, and well behaved for my age. We had a nice little family...Me, Mom, Nana, Grandpops and my Aunt. Yeah, I was close to the rest of my familly, but my mom and I were madd tight...Kind of like having a friend and mom all in one person. I was such a "Mama's" boy. I remember the GREAT holidays we had, the food that ONLY she could cook right, and me saying "God is love, and goodnight" almost every night before I went to bed. And, she was always into style...Huh! Guess thats where I get it from, LOL.
Anyway, that all came to an end, on the 15th. The day before Aug 14th, was like any other hot summer day...As i remember. I had just got done with my lil' City Summer Camp gig, and was on chill until school started in September. Mom did laundry that day (I remember because their was fresh laundry on her bed when the cops came the next morning). That night, she made dinner for me, and everything was the "usual" (I think). Later that evening, she went out (I think with friends or something), and while I was laying in my bed, watching the 11 o'clock news, and the phone rang. The caller-ID said "payphone" or something, I picked it up, and it was Mom. My memory's a little fuzzy, but, the convo went like this:
Me: "Hello"? Mom: "M*&$. I'm stopping at the store, you want anything?" Me: (Forgot what I asked for) Mom: "Ok. I'm on my way home, ok?" Me: "Ok." Mom: "Goodnight." Me: "Goodnight."
Little did i know, thats the last time I'd hear my mom's voice or have a conversation with her. After that, I put this yay-high flat steele thingy up against the apartment door (it was our stupid lil' security system...eventhough we had a big-ass steele door with deadbolt locks ), so that I'd hear her come in, and took my little ass to bed.
I woke up hearing that metal thing hit the floor, figured mom was home, and turned back over. But, then I heard a walkee-talkee, and people talking. Someone yelled "HELLO!?!", and I got out of bed, noticed that it was the morning, peeked out my bedroom door, and saw two police officers standing in the living room. They saw me, and one of them said "Hi.". I think they asked me to get dressed and come with them. I got dressed (heart beating out my chest), grabbed my House Key, and went into the living room with the cops. I asked where my mother was, and they didnt tell me anything. I went with them to the leasing office for our apartment buliding, and just waited. I think I played Solitare on the computer or something. I just knew something was wrong...I just figured that mom was in the hospital or something, I'd see her, and we'd be back home in a little bit.
I don't know how, but, the police got my Grandmother's work number, and called her (I think I gave them her home number). And apparently she got a hold of my Grandpa, because, a little later, they came to pick me up. I saw the worried looks on their faces, but, they didn't tell me anything. They took me to my Grandpa's house, and left me there with someone to watch me, so they could go to the Hospital. I sat at Grandpa's house, for what seemed like hours, my head spinning, wondering what the hell could have happened, bored, tired, and scared. But, for some reason, I just assumed that my Mom was alright (deep down, something just felt really "off" in my reality)...But, at the same time, I was afraid of seeing her in a hospital bed. I guess, when your a kid, you assume that the people you love are just...Invincible.
Anyway, my grandparents come back, and they "looks" on their faces (They just had to ID the body of their oldest daughter). Nana was holding back sobs and Grandpa had really wet red eyes. They sat down, and Grandpa told me that my mother was in an accident...and that she died.
It felt I had gotten kicked in the stomach and was falling out of a window at the same time. I was confused, scared, broken, and still trying to figure out what was happening. All the while, crying my eyes out, heaving, face hurting, and wishing I could just wake up. The emotion just wouldn't STOP! On the car ride to my grandmother's house (my new home), I couldn't stop crying and heaving in the backseat. Even when we got to her house, and to the "guest" room (my new bedroom), I couldn't stop. Night came, and all I could think about was my mom...And, I got to the point where I just ran out of tears. I don't remember when it was, but my grandma told what happened:
My mom at the corner store, that night, putting bags into the the backseat of her car on the passenger side, when some dude that was high/drunk was speeding away from the police, when he hit a pole and then crashed into my mom's parked car on the driver's side, while she was puting her bags in the backseat...Which slamed the side the car where she was into the store's wall. Dude that was driving died at the "scene". I forgot what happened to the friend that was riding with him. But, my mom was alive when the paramedics got to her, and took her to the ER...But, they couldn't save her!!
The police/court called it a "Feak Accident" and "Vehicular Homicide".
Going back to my old home, to pick up my stuff and pack up my life, brought more tears...And, so did the funeral. Then, my tears turned to anger and strength. Somewhere down the road, after everything wasn't so "fresh", I decided that I couldn't love ANYONE ever again...Because, "love" equals pain and lose. And, if I don't "love" or get "close"to anyone...It can't hurt when they leave or die. Which is why I distanced myself from my remaining family when I was growing up, moved a few states away after high school, and barely speak to them...I care about them. I just don't have it in me to deal with loosing/burying someone else that I'm related to. And, on some level, while growing up, I was waiting for mom to swing by Grandma's house and take me back home...Like, when she'd drop me off to get "babysat". After I realized that fantasy wasn't happening, I decided to just erase her altogether from my memory.
Deep down, A part of me hates my mom and myself. SHE left ME!! SHE was grown, and made a choice to go out that night!...Instead of staying home! Then again, I'm mainly to blame...If I wasn't BORN, she'd still be alive! If I wasn't BORN, she would not have moved into that two-bedroom apartment and been in that area! Why didn't she ABORT my ass!! Sometimes, when things go wrong, I think its because I'm not really not supposed to be around in the first place. A part of me knows that I don't deserve to be "happy"...And, a part of me doesn't want to be. I was "happy", over 10 years ago, then I got kicked in the fucking teeth and had the ground ripped from underneath me!!! God or whatever literally put-the-screws to me!!
I guess I have "Survivor's Guilt" or something.
Sometimes, I wonder "What if?". What if mom was still alive?...Whould I be a totally different person?...Whould I have moved away?...Whould we still be close?
I'm hoping that I can just get over all of this someday, and be normal like everyone else. But, I've spent most of my life being "shattered", and I doubt that Super Glue can even fix it.
Well, tommorow, or later today, I start my first day of Bartending School...YAY!! Usually, I'd kinda have a problem with having to get up/out sooo early in the day...Seeing that I get off work at 3am, home at 4:30-ish, and hit the sheets between 5 & 6am (sometimes depending on how horny I might be, LOL.). By the way, I'm on the bus right now, on my Sidekick.
Ugh! The class starts at 1pm...So, I'm gonna have to get up at like 10am, just because I want to get there early (its downtown...a 20-30min train ride...which I never really mind.). But, in my eyes, its worh not getting as many hours of sleep in the next few weeks. Besides, I'm on Winter Break (which is when I wanted to go through my training), and I can rest on the weekends. And, you know what they say: "You don't grind, you don't shine."
Most importantly, I'm madd excited. I've always been an adventurer at heart, and a "Jack-of-all-trades". And, I've been dying for an adventure for the longest, LOL!!...Along with the chance to learn a new skill!
