Thursday, July 31, 2008

Oh Honey, We're All "Working" Girls.

Lately, I've been referring to myself as a "working" girl. And, referring to guys who look at me, and like what they see, as potential "customers".
No, I'm not a hooker, escort, sex worker, or whatever name you might fancy. And, what I'm talking about has nothing to do with any monetary. But, I'm not only a Single Man...I'm a Single Person living in the damn city. And, recently, I've noticed (as a Single myself) that we (within the Single sub-culture) market or display ourselves, hoping to find that ultimate "customer" (boyfriend/girlfriend) who will like what they see and want to buy what we are selling.
Just think about it. Men, Women, Gay, or Straight, it doesn't matter. We all have been, or still are, Single, and on "display". Most Singles make sure they're extra "fly" before leaving the house. Men might don that special "smell-good" that drives the Men/Women wild. Women do the same thing. But, in a Woman's case, she might add those "fuck me" pumps, a mask of makeup, cute nails, etc.

We go out to bars, clubs, parties, even shopping, as walking spokesmodels showing off the merchandise known as...Ourselves.

For example, while grocery shopping, last week, I picked up a "customer". I was in the frozen foods section, this guy (who's not really my type) liked what he saw, and he decided to approach me. Basically, he liked what I was selling, and wanted to be a potential "customer".

Now, personally, when I'm out-n-about, I like to sell a kind of sex appeal...mainly because I'm somewhat of a tease, somewhat of a flirt, and I like validation from others. But, back to my point, as a Single I'm putting out that special Single "vibe" and displaying my merchandise, hoping that another Hot Single will want to buy what I'm selling. And, there's a Single out there hoping that I might want to buy what he's also selling.

There's a reason why its called being "on the market".

I'm sure you've seen it. Those who finally land that ultimate "customer" might stop caring a tab less about their appearance and giving off a certain vibe. This is because they no longer have to display themselves for potential "customers". They already have what they want, so, why over-advertise?

Also, Singles have to carry the weight of wearing two hats, so to speak. Both as the "working" person and as a potential "customer". We might be out there selling a product, but, we're also looking to buy that similar product of a fellow "working" person. Hell, why do you think Singles Parties were such a huge success not too long ago? And, don't even get me started on the whole Club Scene.

Do you have the "working" girl mentality?

Well, I know I do.


Thursday, July 17, 2008

A Mid-Summer Night's Fuckery.

***Listening To***
"Bathwater" by. No Doubt

This past weekend was certainly a memorable one, to say the least. Its not every Saturday night that I get my heart semi-broken, by the first guy that I've ever had feelings for. This is also the same guy that could have seen myself falling in love with and having a great relationship with, in the future. Here's the kicker; A part of me hasn't threw that little ball of hope out the window yet.

Let me explain...

I met this guy a few weeks ago....Lets call him "Heartbreaker". We talked for a little bit, and then we went out on a really special date...or, so I thought, seeing that it was his birthday and all. Our first date was actually the best I've had so far. We went to dinner at a nice restaurant. We had a fabulously romantic little stroll downtown, complete with lots of PDA (as you know, I LOVE being romantic). All the while, our chemistry was mixing so if we were sort of meant for each other. In fact, Heartbreaker is the total package. He's everything that I look for in a man. He's sweet, honest (I like that he doesn't sugar-coat everything), smart, charismatic, relationship oriented (so I thought) and, it doesn't hurt that he happens to be quite the looker. All of those qualities are the things that make him sexy to me. Hell, over dinner he talked about how he wants to start a family and start having kids when he's in his thirties.

Sidebar: Heartbreaker recently got out of a two-year relationship with someone who he was planning a wedding with...that was until he found out that his supposed future husband was CHEATING on him.

Anyway, we ended up back at his place, where we hung out, talked, drank, played with & walked his doggy (he's such a good father and they are too cute together), made out passionately (don't get me started on how much I loved kissing him & how I've never experienced that kind of passion JUST by kissing before), cuddled, had some foreplay, and fell asleep in each others arms. It all felt so perfect and natural...Even down to his doggy climbing into bed with us while we slept.

Waking up with Heartbreaker felt so...right. I could actually see us dating and, down the line, moving into the long-term relationship zone. Of course, everything isn't all perfect, and I would have to get use to. Like, the fact that in Chicago's small Black Gay community, a lot of people know who he is...either from his two jobs or from him being in the Ballroom scene. He's also what I would call a "Club Queen" (meaning, he clubs a lot). And, he's somewhat of a party boy. These are all things that I'm ok with, seeing that they are just a part of who he is. Another thing I thought was "cute" about us is that he's such a social butterfly...which I'm so not. I thought it would be one those cute little dynamics we could have in a relationship.

Also, after we awoke, we had a little making-out and mutual masturbation "session" (as he later calls it) before we left his place. Which was one of the most passionate thing I've experienced.

A part of me thought (and might still think) that he could possibly be the Willow to my Tara.

So, after our fantabulus date, for the past weeks, I've been trying to arrange a second date...Which hasn't been easy, seeing that our work schedules conflict. Well, this past Saturday, we were finally able to meet up after he got off work. Which was great, seeing that I was looking to get "fucked-up" and have fun that night.

I came off the subway, in Boystown, to be greeted by Heartbreaker, his doggy, and two of his friends...One of which, come to find out later, is ALSO trying to date Heartbreaker. The way he greeted me was a little odd. It wasn't the way one greets someone who they're "dating". It just a cute little friendly hug. After which, he introduced me to his two friends.

Once we got our drinks together, we walked around and just hung out. While we were walking around, someone who knows Heartbreaker made a nice little comment about him "cruising" with his doggy. Which made me comment. Which lead him to say..."I still consider myself to be single." This wasn't a problem for me, since I only considered us to be dating.

Cut to us, 20mins later, walking around together, me making the romantic gester of holding Heartbreakers' hand, one of the "friends" who was with us breaking our connection and getting into Heartbreakers' face, and me wondering WTF. While this little situation is cooling, he explains to me that the "friend" who nearly chewed his face off ALSO likes him and is ALSO trying to date him. (I know...its madd shady, right?). He then informs me that he's ONLY wants to have friends right now.

Fast forward to 4AM-ish, where Heartbreaker and I (drunk off our asses) are standing by one of his friends' car, talking bout "us", our huge attraction to each other, why we like each other, how sexy he thinks I am, me explaining how I'm into him because of what he has "up stairs" instead of what's in his pants, and the issues or technicalities that might stand in our way. His main point was that we are physically, emotionally, and intellectually perfect for each other. But, sexually, there might be a problem. We might end up having to wrestle for the "Top" position, since he can't be, and I might not be able to be, as versatile as one might need the other to be. And, he didn't want to lead me on to believe that he could be on the "receiving" end, as much as I might need him to be.

I hate technical difficulties! And, I might be new to all this man-2-man dating/relationship shit, but I don't care about all that "technical" bullshit. I'm open-minded enough to at least see that there's a possibility that we can compromise and just iron-out this "technical" shit as we go along. Am I being to head-strong?

He also made the argument that, since our energy together is so good (other than the"technicality), we might be great as friends. But, how can I JUST be friends with someone who I can imagine waking up next to and looking into their eyes and finding solace in their lips?

We came to the conclusion that we need to sit down one day, when weer both sober, and figure things out. After this, Heartbreaker walked me to the train, hugged me, I got on, and rode home...Eyes full of water, puffy, and fighting back tears.

It makes sense, that, when I finally find someone who I could actually see myself building something with, something gets in the way.

Is there any cure for the Love-Lorn?


Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Best 4th Of July By Far

During the time of my most recent journal entry, I didn't really feel like being around anyone, talking to anyone, or being very "friendly" at all. Then, someone by the name of Adam B. Irby came to town with his friends and me just what I needed to lift my sprits.
Being from Jersey-2-Cleveland-2-Chicago, it was quite refreshing to have some New Yorkers around. What was even more refreshing was the fact they were such a great group of guys. They were so welcoming and fun and just cool to be around. They really made me feel like one of the "sisters" (LOL)...and the fun I had with them was the most I've had in such a long time. I just wish I would've had the chance to thank them before they left.
I also wish I had a group of friends like that, of my own, here in The Windy City.
By the way, Adam is one of the coolest guys I've ever met. And, I'm not just saying that because he was who inspired my own blog...or, because, in his words, he "birthed" me (LOL). He's the type of person that I could really see myself being all BFF with.

Wednesday, July 2, 2008


For the time being, "friends" are out, and "associates" are in.

A so-called "friend" let me down the other day. Since I've never been to a Gay Pride before, I took my ass all the up to the damn North Side (an area I'm not familiar with) to meet-up with so-called "friend" for some Gay Pride festivities. When I got all the way up there, I called him numerous times for directions to their location, he didn't answer, so I took my ass back on the train, went home, and ordered a pizza.

I got on the train, leaving the North Side, feeling like a total fool. And, hopping on a train full of Gays sporting their smiles and multi-colored beads and significant others and various other Pride goodies didn't help my mood at all. Mid-way through my solom commute back home, the so-called "friend" calls me back and gives me a semi valid excuse as to why he didn't answer when I called earlier. I didn't give a fuck about his excuse. Excuses only make me matter how valid or reasonable they are. All I know is that I want what I want...And, if I can't have it, I don't want ANYTHING at all.

In the middle of this call, I'm outside, and a fucking mini rainstorm starts...and, I'm umbrella-less, wearing shorts with no socks, and short sleeves.

So. I'm already PISSED for many reasons.

1. PISSED because I took my ass all the way to the North Side, only to be screwed-over and let-down

2. PISSED because I feel like such a fucking fool.

3. PISSED because, now, I'm soaking wet.

Then, still on the phone, "friend" hits me with this Zen shit about "taking initiative"...Oh no he didn't just try that flip-the-fucking-script shit? Well. THAT was all I needed for me to POP OFF and let him have it before his phone went out or before he hung up on me or whatever-the-fuck.

Anyway, I hit so-called "friend" up on Tuesday with a txt, asking if he was going to apologize to me. And, he said that he wasn't going to. Which means, that he's OUT...I'm done with him now.

I'm mad because I allowed myself to feel some kinda way about this whole situation...I'm getting too soft.

I have to remember and expect that people will always screw me over or let me down or disappoint me...and, THAT'S why I have to keep them at arms length.

I need to be in CONTROL...either things get done MY way, or whoever's tagging along can just get left behind.

I realized long ago that, in "friendships", I hold people to much higher expectations and standards than I myself expect to be held is what it is. Should I work on that?...whatever!

Diamonds Are Forever.