Ready Or Not?

"So...Are you ready for love?"

Its weird how a simple yes or no question can be so complex at the same time. Not only is it complex, its a loaded question at that. I hate loaded questions. Some loaded questions put me that mode called "your damned if you do, your damned if you don't". The guy that in currently
dating, on a casual basis, asked me the above question, last night, via a phone conversation.

He asked if I was "ready for love", and after I got on my invisible soapbox and read him the riot act for asking me such a loaded question, I said "I don't know". After that, the conversation shifted, and I once again had to pull out my soapbox to give him my half-feminist half-militant speech on how I feel about relationships in general. Basically, I told him that relationships are institutions of control, I would be damned if I ever allowed another man to have control over me, and that I like having the freedom to do what/who ever I please. I was being honest. Some days, I wish that I were in one of those "loving" relationships. But, other days, I'm glad to have my freedom as a single man in his twenties.

Once upon a time, I did honestly want to fall in "love" with the man of my dreams and have my first and maybe last boyfriend. I lived in the fairy tale delusion that if I found my "Prince Charming", that his "love" would solve all of my problems and clean up the mess known as Me. Well, the Universe bitch slapped into reality. I found him, fell in "love" with him, he broke my heart, and he ended up choosing to be with someone who's less complicated than me. I personally don't feel like going through that experience all over again. I licked my wounds, grew
up, and now I'm smart enough to know not to let it happen again. Its kind of like the verse from that Rihanna song, "Rehab", "...And I'll never give myself to another the way I gave it to you...Don't even recognize the ways you hurt me do you?".

Is anyone ever REALLY ready for "love"?

;-)

Mr. Wine vs. Mr. Tequlia...The Age-Old Battle

A few weeks ago, I was chatting with a longtime buddy of mine. To make a long story short, I liked him years ago, he didn't act interested, I grew up and realized exactly the type of guys I really liked, he came back around, told me he had a "thing" for me now, and I basically had to break it to him that he wasn't my "type" anymore. In breaking this news to him, a funny notion started cooking in my mind. And, it made perfect sense. I'm hoping it'll make to you guys and gals too.

Let me be the first to say it...Men are like cocktails. Some guys are smooth and sophisticated, like wine. While others are wild and leave you with a hangover, like tequila or whatever hard liquor you might prefer. After taking a minute to really think about it, I realized that its not
only true, but the philosophical battle between the two, Mr. Wine and Mr. Tequila, has been going on for ages. And, most recently, they've been having a tennis match in my own head.

Like I mentioned before, "wine" guys are smooth and sophisticated. They also tend to older, drama free, tame, mature, and more straightforward about their feelings. Case in point, I actually dated a "wine" guy for almost two months. I also hooked up with one this past Summer, but, that's for another time. Anyway, I met a massage therapist by the name
of "Hands" in August. We met while I was modeling shirtless at the Chicago Pride booth, at Market Days. At first, it was just a passing flirtation while I handed him a flyer. But, little did I know that Hands and I would end up meeting that night, at a downtown club.

While at Shadow Bar, with my guys, Hands and I ran into each other as if fate itself had willed it so. I thought he was cute, he liked how I looked with my shirt off, and two minutes of witty conversation later we were exchanging numbers. We ended up talking and texting ourselves into that following Mondays' mid-afternoon lunch date at a downtown "gourmet" burger spot that I had seen on the Zagat site. The date went really well. As it turned out, Hands was a 32 year-old educated, well-traveled, driven, sweetheart who worked in Chicago's Financial District while pursuing a career as a massage therapist. We hit it off well, even though I was a little put off by our age difference. I mean, lets face it, while he was hitting puberty, I was still in diapers and potty training.

During the course of us dating, I noticed that he liked me a lot more than I liked him. Apparently, he felt the "spark", while I, on the other hand, didn't. I liked Hands, but, I just didn't feel "over the moon" about him. After we parted I realized what was really wrong. To anyone else, Hands would be "Mr. Right". But, to me, he was boring. He was too nice, too tame, didn't like going out or partying much, and he was too easy to be with. Basically, Hands was a "Wine" guy. He wasn't wild, crazy, adventurous, fun, and challenging puzzle...like a "Tequila" guy...like H.B., who I've spent a lot of time with last Summer, or like the other guys that I'm attracted to.

Does this all mean that I'm secretly attracted to..."bad boys"?

;-)

Caught in the Spin-Cycle of Online Dating...Is There a Way Out?

Back in February, I hit the one year mark...on my BGC (BlackGayChat) account. Yes, its no secret that I have a BGC account, as well as an Adam4Adam account. I mean, its 2009, what single, computer savvy, on-the-go, Gay man doesn't have a profile somewhere on the Internet?

In the past, I bashed the online dating "avenue" because I felt that the whole thing was just to robotic and inorganic. I compared online dating and looking through peoples profiles, to being the equivalent of browsing Urban Outfitters.com. But, instead of window shopping for a t-shirt, those on dating sites were just window shopping for a potential mate. I also thought it was somewhat tacky, and didn't think it would be "cute" to tell people, someday, that I met my fantabulous boyfriend on the Internet.

Moreover, I assumed that if someone had to resort to using the Internet, to meet a potential date, that they were basically admitting to not being able to find someone, the "normal" way, in the outside world. But, like with with so many other things, I marinated on it, opened my mind, grew a little, came around to the idea, and finally decided to create a couple new profiles online.

So, for the past year or so, I've been doing the whole "online" thing with the sole purpose of finding someone to date. After all, isn't THAT the service that one is signing up for, when one creates a profile on a Dating website? That's what I assumed at first. Until ten or so messages later, when I realized that about 80% (I'm being nice) of the men on those sites are looking for one thing...SEX.

I can't even keep track of how many guys have sent me messages, for the objective of "hooking up" with me. Or, in other words, to "chill". Yes, the term "chill", in urban Gay vernacular, is the new "lets fuck/play". And, I of all people am not going to stand atop my soapbox and wag my finger at those who are online for sex. I mean, with all the "one nights" and "hookup's" I've had, especially recently, I have no room to talk about anyone else. Even though I've tried it on occasion, that the whole "searching the Internet ONLY for sex" thing isn't really my cup of tea. I've actually been online, for the past year, looking for someone to date and get to know.

Which brings me to the other day. I was on BGC exchanging messages and having a little discussion with a guy who gave me quite the education. Here's how it went down (the short version):

Roc: ...Well, where else am I supposed to look?

User XYZ: if u lookin for love...then u definitely should not look for it on here....im sho u meet kats out and about....or at the club somewhere other then here....cause what they all lookin for on here.... quiet as its kept is sex....they just dont say it in the beginning of the conversation ...but if u tight to them then they'll get in yours drawers eventually....most dont keep it real on here.....they pretend to look for love but once u have sex then the idea of love goes out the door and then they r back on here lookin for love again ...which will be sex....and then they repeat the same thing they did with u.....but bgc is what u make it.....im here to check niggas out and see whos got the rite vibe for me to entertain.....normally if i meet one and we chill and or have sex....they dont call no mo after we chill.....so them i find myself back here lonely and lookin for the next thing.....sorry im just keeping it real man....this is my own experiences with bgc and this so called gay life....so i just flow with whats comfortable for me.....

After I marinated on User XYZ's two cents, I got to thinking about the fuckery known as Gay Internet dating. I mean, what the fuck? Is this what the Gay community is all cracked up to be? Are Gay men just destined to be stuck on "repeat" until the end of time?

More importantly, has "true love" become the Gay community's version of the "Holy Grail"?

;-)

One Good Buddy

So, there's a new person in my life. Lets call him...The Rookie. He's not really a "friend"...more like a buddy...a Cuddle buddy. But, with less cuddling (if any), and more kissing.

Rookie is 20, cute, and basically just started "messing around" with guys...hence, the name "Rookie". We met a few weeks ago at a club (a 21+ club) when his only "gay" friend came and talked me because Rookie was too shy. We exchanged numbers, talked later that night, and decided to hangout for a little bit that next day.

Rookie isn't really "boyfriend" material for me. He's not "out" and he's going through that whole period of trying to figure out his sexuality. But, he's a good, sweet guy, and I don't mind giving him a place where he can feel comfortable. And, to also educate his ass....because the boy knows NOTHING.

Anyway, the first time he came over, we just chilled and talked for a little bit. We made-out before he left, and that was the start of our "cuddle buddy" relationship. The last two times he came over (a total of three so far), have been white hot. We might not have "sex" sex, but, we definitely get things "popping" on the Oral tip (pun lightly intended). Basically, we have a ton of foreplay and affection and 69-ing jacking off...which is great! Its actually very hot. There's this whole "thing" of us feeding off of each other's sexual energy.

Anyway, after the cum stops flying, he cleans up and casually leaves like a criminal fleeing a crime scene...which, for some reason, is alright with me. I mean, he gives me what I need for the time being and leaves. There's no attitude, no expectations...no strings. He's the perfect man...right? Except when he spills his "baby batter" on my BLACK blanket.

On one hand, I feel some kind of empowerment. Being in control of what happens, teasing all those special "spots", and being able to make someone go absolutely wild with ecstasy is a pretty damn good feeling. On the other hand, I can't help but feel somewhat hooker-esque (which I don't mind & think is kind of hot). I mean, for some reason, he reminds me of a "John" who's all tense at first because he's not sure of how things are supposed to go. But, when things get started, and he's gotten to his comfort zone, the freak comes out.

Either way, this is all very interesting to me. And, I think that everyone should experience this type of dynamic with someone, it some point in their life.

;-)

Doomed: A History Lesson

*Listening To*
"It's All Over but the Crying (Remix)" by. Garbage


I've always know this, deep down, but now I actually have conformation. I'm 22yrs, and I've never dated anyone, never been in a relationship, never had boyfriend, and I've never really "talked" to a guy for more than week. And, I've come to realize that things are going this way for the rest of my life...22, 32, 42, 52, etc.

How did I come to realize this? Well, I've been thinking...which is basically a coin-toss of whether or not something good might come from it. Anyway, I've been thinking, marinating with my thoughts, and thinking of questions for my "research" into my family's past...and my future.

And what does it all come back to? Genetics.

While in thought, I started to trace things and put things together and connect the dots. I wanted to know why I can't seem to even develop healthy relationships much less be involved in one. So, I started with the small family that I do have left. So, there's my Nana (67), my Grandfather (65), my Uncle (47), and my Aunt (41).

As far as I know, Nana's only been in one big relationship...with the father of her children (grandpa)...who she divorced back in the 70s. And, there's been NOBODY else since then. Grandfather has had continuous whatevers with women who use him. Uncle is in his forties, has a career in charity work, and alone. And, Aunt (the fag hag) is also in her forties, man-less, and has never had a successful relationship.

After going through everyone's situation, I started to think: What about my Mother? Granted, she died when she was 35, but she was a lot different from everyone else in our family, and remember her dating or seeing someone when I was a kid. Which leads me to one of the most awkward and weirdest conversations I've ever had to have...I was forced to call Nana and ask her about my mom's (her daughter's) romantic life.

Here's how THAT went:

Ya ya ya...Blah blah blah...

Roc: "So, did my mom ever have any successful relationships?"

Nana: "What? Did you want to know if your mother ever had sexual relations?"

Sidebar: Oh god, kill me now. I did NOT ask you THAT grandma! Granted, I had just gotten off the subway, and there was a considerable amount of background noise on my end...but still, that whole exchange was just something that should never have happened!

Roc: "No! Did my mom ever have any SUCCESSFUL relationships?!"

Nana: "Oh!...SUCCESSFUL relationships."

Roc: "yeah....like dating or long-term relationships."

Nana: "Well, I don't think she really "dated" anyone. But, she "saw"
people."

Nana: "I guess her relationship with your father was successful...right?"

Roc: "Ummm NO! Not at all!"

Sidebar: Really Nana!? You consider THAT to be a "successful" relationship!? So, I guess my mom's only "real" relationship involved having an accident-kid with a guy who cheated on her and brought needless drama into her life, until she cut ties with him? Seriously!?! This is the kind of fucked up thinking doesn't surprise me at all.

Anyway, during our conversation, I realized that its all GENETIC. One of the main reasons why I left,a few years ago, was because I didn't want to end up like the rest of my family. But, I realize, now, that I'll never be happy with anyone. I'll never be able to have anything close to a "healthy" relationship with a guy, because its not in my DNA. And, even if I ever come close to having something "serious", with someone, I'm pretty sure I'll fuck things up somehow.

I guess Shirley Manson was right...Certain things DO turn ugly, when you think too hard.

;-)

A Mid-Summer Night's Fuckery.

***Listening To***
"Bathwater" by. No Doubt

This past weekend was certainly a memorable one, to say the least. Its not every Saturday night that I get my heart semi-broken, by the first guy that I've ever had feelings for. This is also the same guy that could have seen myself falling in love with and having a great relationship with, in the future. Here's the kicker; A part of me hasn't threw that little ball of hope out the window yet.

Let me explain...

I met this guy a few weeks ago....Lets call him "Heartbreaker". We talked for a little bit, and then we went out on a really special date...or, so I thought, seeing that it was his birthday and all. Our first date was actually the best I've had so far. We went to dinner at a nice restaurant. We had a fabulously romantic little stroll downtown, complete with lots of PDA (as you know, I LOVE being romantic). All the while, our chemistry was mixing so easily...as if we were sort of meant for each other. In fact, Heartbreaker is the total package. He's everything that I look for in a man. He's sweet, honest (I like that he doesn't sugar-coat everything), smart, charismatic, relationship oriented (so I thought) and, it doesn't hurt that he happens to be quite the looker. All of those qualities are the things that make him sexy to me. Hell, over dinner he talked about how he wants to start a family and start having kids when he's in his thirties.

Sidebar: Heartbreaker recently got out of a two-year relationship with someone who he was planning a wedding with...that was until he found out that his supposed future husband was CHEATING on him.

Anyway, we ended up back at his place, where we hung out, talked, drank, played with & walked his doggy (he's such a good father and they are too cute together), made out passionately (don't get me started on how much I loved kissing him & how I've never experienced that kind of passion JUST by kissing before), cuddled, had some foreplay, and fell asleep in each others arms. It all felt so perfect and natural...Even down to his doggy climbing into bed with us while we slept.

Waking up with Heartbreaker felt so...right. I could actually see us dating and, down the line, moving into the long-term relationship zone. Of course, everything isn't all perfect, and I would have to get use to. Like, the fact that in Chicago's small Black Gay community, a lot of people know who he is...either from his two jobs or from him being in the Ballroom scene. He's also what I would call a "Club Queen" (meaning, he clubs a lot). And, he's somewhat of a party boy. These are all things that I'm ok with, seeing that they are just a part of who he is. Another thing I thought was "cute" about us is that he's such a social butterfly...which I'm so not. I thought it would be one those cute little dynamics we could have in a relationship.

Also, after we awoke, we had a little making-out and mutual masturbation "session" (as he later calls it) before we left his place. Which was one of the most passionate thing I've experienced.

A part of me thought (and might still think) that he could possibly be the Willow to my Tara.

So, after our fantabulus date, for the past weeks, I've been trying to arrange a second date...Which hasn't been easy, seeing that our work schedules conflict. Well, this past Saturday, we were finally able to meet up after he got off work. Which was great, seeing that I was looking to get "fucked-up" and have fun that night.

I came off the subway, in Boystown, to be greeted by Heartbreaker, his doggy, and two of his friends...One of which, come to find out later, is ALSO trying to date Heartbreaker. The way he greeted me was a little odd. It wasn't the way one greets someone who they're "dating". It just a cute little friendly hug. After which, he introduced me to his two friends.

Once we got our drinks together, we walked around and just hung out. While we were walking around, someone who knows Heartbreaker made a nice little comment about him "cruising" with his doggy. Which made me comment. Which lead him to say..."I still consider myself to be single." This wasn't a problem for me, since I only considered us to be dating.

Cut to us, 20mins later, walking around together, me making the romantic gester of holding Heartbreakers' hand, one of the "friends" who was with us breaking our connection and getting into Heartbreakers' face, and me wondering WTF. While this little situation is cooling, he explains to me that the "friend" who nearly chewed his face off ALSO likes him and is ALSO trying to date him. (I know...its madd shady, right?). He then informs me that he's ONLY wants to have friends right now.

Fast forward to 4AM-ish, where Heartbreaker and I (drunk off our asses) are standing by one of his friends' car, talking bout "us", our huge attraction to each other, why we like each other, how sexy he thinks I am, me explaining how I'm into him because of what he has "up stairs" instead of what's in his pants, and the issues or technicalities that might stand in our way. His main point was that we are physically, emotionally, and intellectually perfect for each other. But, sexually, there might be a problem. We might end up having to wrestle for the "Top" position, since he can't be, and I might not be able to be, as versatile as one might need the other to be. And, he didn't want to lead me on to believe that he could be on the "receiving" end, as much as I might need him to be.

I hate technical difficulties! And, I might be new to all this man-2-man dating/relationship shit, but I don't care about all that "technical" bullshit. I'm open-minded enough to at least see that there's a possibility that we can compromise and just iron-out this "technical" shit as we go along. Am I being to head-strong?

He also made the argument that, since our energy together is so good (other than the"technicality), we might be great as friends. But, how can I JUST be friends with someone who I can imagine waking up next to and looking into their eyes and finding solace in their lips?

We came to the conclusion that we need to sit down one day, when weer both sober, and figure things out. After this, Heartbreaker walked me to the train, hugged me, I got on, and rode home...Eyes full of water, puffy, and fighting back tears.

It makes sense, that, when I finally find someone who I could actually see myself building something with, something gets in the way.

Is there any cure for the Love-Lorn?

;-)

Best 4th Of July By Far

During the time of my most recent journal entry, I didn't really feel like being around anyone, talking to anyone, or being very "friendly" at all. Then, someone by the name of Adam B. Irby came to town with his friends and me just what I needed to lift my sprits.

Being from Jersey-2-Cleveland-2-Chicago, it was quite refreshing to have some New Yorkers around. What was even more refreshing was the fact they were such a great group of guys. They were so welcoming and fun and just cool to be around. They really made me feel like one of the "sisters" (LOL)...and the fun I had with them was the most I've had in such a long time. I just wish I would've had the chance to thank them before they left.

I also wish I had a group of friends like that, of my own, here in The Windy City.

By the way, Adam is one of the coolest guys I've ever met. And, I'm not just saying that because he was who inspired my own blog...or, because, in his words, he "birthed" me (LOL). He's the type of person that I could really see myself being all BFF with.

;-)

6-3-2008

I haven't written anything in a while. For the past couple weeks, I've been so busy with moving into this new place and running here-&-there to get this-&-that...and still working at night.

I LOVE this new area! Its metropolitan, multicultural, and, there's Take-Out places and date spots galore!! I'm staying in this borough forever...the next best area would be the Loop or downtown.

Anyway, Shorty, the guy I had that great date with, almost a month ago, isn't on my radar anymore...we weren't meant to work. He's a GREAT guy, but...We hadn't even gone on a second date yet, and he was ALREADY making more apologies, for plains that fell through, then I could count. It is what it is.

Its like the saying goes: "When one door closes, another door opens."

;-)

The Two That Got Away...More Like The Two I Pushed Away

Lately, I've been thinking about just how internally fucked-up I am. How I have NO friends to pick me up when I'm "down" or to just talk to. And, for a while now, I've also been thinking about the two best friends of mine that I pushed out of my life 2-years ago. It wasn't because they were a negative influence-in fact, they were quite the opposite. Bottom line, I forced them out of my life to protect, not only them, but, myself as well.

Back Story: "Jay" and I meet online during the Summer before my freshmen year. We chatted for a while, started talking on the phone, and instantly became friends. He lives, and goes to school, down south. But, he's from Chicago, still has family here, and visits from time to time. "P" is "Jay's" best friend, who actually still lives in Chicago, but, goes to school in down-state IL. "P" and I got introduced to each other through "Jay" and became instant friends also. And, since we were close in closer proximity, we were able to hangout.

Here's how it went:

-Our friendship progressed, "J" and "P" wanted to become closer then I
allow ANYONE to be to me (which, for normal people, isn't a big deal).

-I started to become attached to them...Which is a HUGE no no, for me.

-"J" got angry at me for not trusting them enough to take-down my "wall".

-I got angry at him for not understanding that I am who I am.

-We stopped talking. I then got angry with "P" for siding with "J", and stopped
talking to his incredibly nice ass also.

And, their it was...My way out of committing to them and opening myself up. Funny thing is, I was also angry at and jealous of "J" because, at the time, he was in a sickeningly happy relationship with his boyfriend. And, at the time, I was in the same man-less place that I'm in now. And, deep down, I'm a selfish bastard who thinks that if I can't be happy, I don't want anyone else to be.

Anyway, I stopped talking to my ex best friends until I quit missing them. Besides, after a certain period of time went by, I figured it was too late to fix things. And, I was sure that we had all moved on with our lives.

I've grown a lot since then. And, I've always wondering how they were doing.

All of that being said, since I can't leave well enough alone, I hit them up on Facebook a couple months ago. "P" added me as a "friend", but wont return my emails. "J", on the other hand, didn't give me anything back.

I guess some things are just meant to stay broken...Friendships, People
(Myself), etc.

;-)

Wanting Whats Behind That Yellow Tape...

First off, thank you all sooo much for being pateint with me. I usually type these entries on my Sidekick, on my way home from work, email them to "Blogger", and do a quick edit when I get home. But, for the past week, I've been taking on more responsibilities at work, and have been too dog-tired when I get home to even make my posts or comment on your pages (eventhough I've read them). Luckly, things are back in swing, and I'll be back on here on the regular.

*******
I promise, this won't be long...LOL!

So, I've been thinking...Does something, or someone, become much more
attractive once we've realized that we can't actually "have" it? Or,
better yet, if there's a great challenege to "have" it?

For example, I tend to develop crushes on Streight men. And, YES, already I know its totally pointless and retarded. But, as of late, I've developed a "thing" for a new buddy of mine. He's Streight, I'm quite sure (PLEASE let him be atleast "Bi"!! LOL!). He goes to school with me, he's older, smart, and SEXY-AS-FUCK! And, personality wise, he's the complete opposite of "Cool". I could actually see myself dating his ass

Anyway, I was just wondering...Do I just like him so much because having anything romantic, with him, is so intangible?

;-)

Seriously? This Is One Wave I Might Stop Riding!

***Listening To***



So, I've been thinking/maranating on something. Which, by the way, is NOT always a good thing, in my case. I have the slight tendacy to over-think certain things (LOL).

Anyway, I've been thinking about whatever it is that's going on between myself and "Cool", and wheather or not I can keep going on with him. Let the Theripy Session begin!

Here's what's on my mind:

1. Our lil' first "date" or whatever was nice. Just that...NICE! Or, more like alright! NOT great! NOT magical! NOT romantic!...NICE!! I always assumed that my first date, with a guy, whould be A LOT MORE!!

2. There's no "zsa zsa zsu" between us. Things are just...REGULAR!! He doesn't look at me the way I want him to (with seduction/lust in his eyes). We don't have that "thing" that people are supposed to have when they first start off.

3. Its obvious that things arnet "popping off" organically between us. And, I'll be damned if I develop the pattern of having to ALWAYS force shit, make plans happen, and make ALL the effort in a relationship that's one-sided!...I'm not THAT desperate to keep a man. Especially seeing that I'm used to being alone anyway.

4. "Cool" flaked on me this weekend. I wanted to spend some time together, on Saturday....He flaked on ME (oh HELL no!...I KNOW this child didn't just? Uh Uh!)! What kinda fuckery is he!?!

SideBar: Momz didn't raise her child to be lead around, by the nose, by ANYBODY...Like a damn puppy-dog! THAT'S another pattern I don't want to fall into. If ANYTHING, it gonna be the OTHER-WAY-AROUND (LOL)!

Here's two of my favorite quotes:

1. "There are many Fishes/Men in The Rainbow Sea."
-Rocafella07

... I just started realizing this about a month ago, when I actually decided
to open my eyes and notice what was going on around me (LOL).

2. "Why do I stress a man, when there's so many bigger things at hand?"
-Amy Winehouse

... THIS is soooo TRUE!! I have much bigger things to do, than to stress over some guy...Seriously!

;-)

A lil' Update

So, I realize that after this post about the exchange between myself and "Cool", I left you guys kind of hanging.

Here's The Cliff Notes Version:

- "Cool" texted me the morning/noon-ish after (that Saturday).

- We texted back-and-forth, then briefly talked for a minute (we both had different plains that day).

Side Note: Remember how I (and some of you) had doubts as to whether or
not "Cool" was a fellow gay? Well, as it turns out, he's very much "Over The Rainbow" LMAO!

- That Sunday, he called, and we spent about four hours, laying in our
beds, talking and channel surfing (LOL). After that, we got off (the phone...get ya mind out the gutter. LOL).

Side Note: Have you ever had "dead-air" during a conversation, and had to FORCE shit to happen? Ugh! Its like pulling teeth from a damn horse!...Especially since I'm not the most talkative person.

- Later that same night, he called again, we talked for a couple more hours, and ended up watching an episode of "Cheaters" together (and had a BIG ass laugh) before going to bed.

- Ever since then, we mainly txt each other every day.

- We were supposed to go on a lil' date last weekend, but, it was too damn COLD to be trying to go out at night (try -7° and windy outside!).

-Because last weekend escaped us, we're going to play "hookie" from work, on Friday, and go out (I came up with THIS plan).

Hmmmmm I like these little Cliff Note posts...Maybe I'll do it more.

;-)

Call Damnit!

Well, earlier tonight, It finally happened...I gave Mr. Cool my number,
when I got to work!

I saw him waiting outside for the bus, and didn't really know what to
do. And, since I can't leave shit alone, instead of just normally
playing "cool" and being shy, I said "fuck it", and went over to his
fine ass! (I actually planned to get to work early, for the sole purpose
of catching him, and giving him The Digits...I just didn't expect to see
him so soon, and I wouldn't have been able to face myself if passed up
this chance.)

Anyway, we said our "whuddups", "dapped", and one minute into our cute
little convo...I asked if he had his phone on him (LOL, I know right!)!!
He definitely knew what was up...because, as soon as he whipped out his
flat and slick lil' Sprint Blackberry PDA thingy, he went straight to the
"New Contact" screen (YESSIR!).

I fumbled around with his gadget while put my info in it, had a cute
little moment when I asked him for a lil editing help, and voila!...He
had my number (I wanted to put the "ball" in his court). We had a little
more lite convo, and before I left, to go in the job, I said "Hit me up
later, so I get your number." He nodded, I left, and I walked into work
with the biggest grin on my face. And, yea, I thought about him all
night long (LMAO!).

Ugh!...I just hope he actually his me with a call or text this weekend!
If he doesn't, he doesn't...If he does, he does...It is what it is. I'm
not gonna shamelessly chase after ANYONE...He knows how to reach me now.

Side note: - Cool introduced himself, to me, a couple nights ago...AFTER I INTRODUCED MYSELF FIRST! The next night, after we said our "whuddups" and got a lil' physical and parted ways, I happened to turn around to get a last look at his swagger, and caught him checking me out!

;-)

Relationships....A Tricky Business

So, lately, I've been thinking about a lot of things. One of them being
relationships, if its possible (for me) to sustain a long-term one, and
how they work.

Even though I've never been in one, I'm guessing that "relationships" are
unions formed by two people (or, in some cases more) who have feelings
for each other, and decide to put their two separate lives
together...THIS is much easier said than done.

They say "Birds of a feather flock together."

I guess what I'm asking is...Can a hawk (or person) who's flown solo for
soooo long, be easily joined with a fellow hawk (or person)?

Odd realization...I can be a little bit of a Flirt! (LOL)

;-)

The Cute Yella Boy That has All My Attention...aka My Work "Boyfriend"

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So, there's this guy, at my job, that a have a madd crush on (given my
luck, I wouldn't be surprized if he turned out to be an uber friendly,
somewhat flirtatious str8 guy). It all started over the Summer (I think
that's when he started working there), when I first saw his cute ass
(OMG!! My man has the prettyest eyes!). He works the shift before me, in
the warehouse, and we're always passing each other (he's getting off
work, I'm coming in). If I remember right, we started with that whole
eye-contact-always-noticing-each-other "thing" (isn't that some kind of
homo "code", or something?). Then, we escalated to nodding at each other
(recently), and exchanging "whuddup's".

By the way, I don't know his name...Yet!

Anyway, somewhere down the road, I started noticing little "changes" in
our interactions as we saw more of each other. He was grinning now, when
we saw each other and exchanged "hey's & whuddup's"...And, so was
I...And, we still do (is that subtle firting?). Then, I noticed how,
sometimes, he'd kind of go out of his way to acknowledge me...For
example, one nite, I was coming into work and was about to walk past
where he was...And he had this big heavy-ass box in his arms (he was
straining with that bitch, LOL), and he turned around with the bigest
britest SMILE on his face and said "Wassup!" (Like he was happy to see
his Man!).

Sometimes, hell, most of the time, when I see him, it "makes" my nights
before I even clock-in (I know, its stupid..Right?)! Seeing how slow
things were moving for us, I decided to try something. One night, when
we walked past each other, I touched his arm when I said
"whuddup!"...And now, we "dap" when we see each other...Along with the
grins and such. Hell, even when we're not near each other, he
waves/acknoledges me...Grin in tact.

But, ugh, if things keep going at this pace, we should be together in
about 10 years (LOL!)!! I trying to figure out how to start a
conversarion with his cute ass, find out his damn name, and exchange
numbers...How-the-hell-else is he going to become my Boyfriend-Boyfriend
instead just being my Work-Boyfriend (Hell, in my head, this dude is
ALREADY my damn Man! LOL!)??

LMAO!! Tonight, on my bus ride to work, I wrote a lil' note that I might
give to him soon...It says:

"Yo!
Hit me up.
(###)###-####
-my name."

Ugh!! Why does being attracted, to men, have to be so fucking hard!?! And, what am I gonna about ole boy!?!? Ugh!!!!! I need to stop developing "crushes"!

;-)

He's Single! He's Sexy!....He's Celibate.

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A Few Things About Me:

1. I'm 21.
2. In school.
3. I've never "dated" or done a "relationship".
4. I've been celibate for almost 2yrs.
5. In the few time's that I've "experiemented" with sex, in the past, I didn't "enjoy" it.

I'm hoping this is not going to be one of those "ramble-a-thons", that go on in my head, whenever think about this "issue" of mine or whenever I'm attracted to a guy, LOL.

I'm gonna pull a Hiro Nakamura, and go back about 11-12 years, to where the "root" of this "issue" of mine started. My memory is madd fuzzy when it comes to my childhood...You know how things just blend together, as we get older and experience more. So, bare with me here.

I was either 9 or 10 when one of my aunts(grandma's lil' sis) come into the picture. I think my grandma & her sister had lost touch with each other, and, at this point, reconnected after Grand took a trip to DC to visit. Anyway, this aunt decided to move to our city, to be closer to her newly rediscovered family. I somewhat remember her. But, from what my mom & fam have told me, she was pretty much a free spirit and artistic...I partly remember that too. Anyway, after she moved to where we were, my mom told me that my new aunt had something called Full-Blown AIDS.

Since I was a shorty at the time, I didnt really "know" exactly what AIDS was, or what it really had to do with my fun new aunt...I remember that she was really skinny and had a deep-dark complexion. I just assumed that that was just how she always was...Ya know?

Now, that I think about it, this is also where my hate/fear of Hospitals began...But, I'll get to that another time.

Anyway, I remember my mom driving her to the doctor a lot. I dont know exactly how long my aunt was with us...A year maybe less. But, all-of-a-sudden, during the winter (I remember their was snow), my aunt got sick and had to go to the Hospital for pneumonia. I thought she had a bad flu, and she'd be outta there when she got better. But, little did I know, that we would have to visit her almost everyday, and see her get worst...Basically watching her die!

I remember going to visit, with my mom, and smelling that HORRIBLE smell that Hospitals have...Ugh! That whole "sterile" smell! And, I think we had to go to the Hospice or AIDS Wing of the Hospital...I dunno! But, it was terrible...Watching someone that you love, who JUST came into your life, slowly slip away...And there's nothing to do to stop it from happening...No matter how many cards, how many flowers, and how prayers...It wasnt enough to make her magically better, like I hoped it would.

I dunno how long it was, that she was in the hospital...Two weeks maybe less? But, I know my mom came to me and told me that Aunte Pat had died. I dont really remember how I handled that, at 9 or 10, but I didnt know what the Hell to think...Someone that a cared deeply for was here, got the flu (I thought), and was supposed to magically get better...And now I'm hearing that she's just...GONE!

I guess we all really do deal things in our own different way. After my aunts death, my mom went to classes, seminars, programs, or whatever to educate herself about HIV/AIDS...She even got a "certificate" or some kinda paper for HIV/AIDS awareness. Me, on the other hand, found-out that AIDS came from having sex...I didnt know what "sex" really was at that time, but, I told myself that "I'm NEVER having sex!"...All I could think about was how sick my aunt got and how she died. When I got a lil' older, I learned about safe-sex and stds...But, I was still scared & stayed a virgin until I got outta High School.

When I was a teenager, I found-out how my aunt contracted AIDS...When she lived in DC, she was attacked and raped. The attacker had AIDS and gave it to her! That was only one of the moments that I started losing faith in society...Yea, I'm a really cynical nigga.

At around 18-19 I realized I was all Homo, LOL....It's stupid now, but, when I was in high school, I just thought I was going through a "phase". Anyway, after all that, my fear got a lil' worst. I'm not at all "religious", but, in the back of my head, I thought that no matter how safe I was, Fate or the Universe or Whatever would "punish" me, for some reason...And I'd end-up in the same situation that my aunt was in: Fine...Sick...Laying in a hospital...Slowly slipping away...Then GONE!

In the few sexual experiences I've allowed myself to have, with dudes, that has ALWAYS been in the back of my mind...Guess thats why I ever "enjoyed" actually having sex. And, now I'm permanately(I think) celibate...Going on 2yrs. Cuz, let's face it...There aint no nigga out their who wants to be in a relationship with someone who's afraid to fuck or make-love or whatever.

A part of me just wants to "get over" myself and through caution to the wind...And really LIVE. But, the other part cant.

I'm Just Screwed!

I Always Hurt the One's I Love Most...Without Even Knowing It!!

Well, before I hopped into the shower, I was fresh off of having a VERY heavy phone convo with a friend of mine (lets call him Kev)...In which he told me that he didnt want to be refered to as just one of my buddies. And, I can understand where he's coming from...Seeing that, in the short time that we have known each other, we've become madd close intellectually & emotionally over the phone, since he's a couple states & a few hours away...I know, its a lil wierd!

We met on myspace, (I know!) , almost a year ago. I think I came across a poem in one of his blogs, liked it, and made a comment on it...And it didn't hurt that he was madd cute at the same time, LOL. So, after emailing on myspace back-&-forth, we started chating on yahoo. And, thats actually when I realized that he wasn't just a Hottie on the outside...Ole boi was smart, funny, & had a soul that just madd deep...The kinda guy I always thought I wanted.

After a few months of chatting, he was one of the first people I gave my number to when I got my new baby (my Sidekick3)...The first time we actually talked we just want on for hours...til about 7am (saturday nite-sunday morn.). That sort of became our lil "thing", since we both kept VERY different hours during the week (he worked all day...I'm in school all day & at work all nite til 3am)...And still kinda is. But, after a while, I just grew outta that lil "crush" I had on Kev the more we got to know each other...And then, in my head, he just became a good friend.

Fast Foward to when he starts opening his heart to me, and telling me that he's not exactly "over" the lil crush we had on each other...He knows that we're just friends, but he has one problem: I wont open-up to him like he does with me.

My first thought: "THIS is why I never dated much less got into a "relationship" with a nigga!" "I dont do "domestic" shyt!"

Actually, I dont & cant get close to or love ANYONE anymore...Tried that shyt in the past, and it always ends with LOSS and PAIN. And so, he restarted this whole convo between us a couple hours ago. I told him "Yo, I cant just change who I am." After a few more words, we got back to our "usual convo and said goodnite.

I took my shower, put on my Shea Butter, and now I'm sitting here at 6am listening to Madonna's Erotica Album...With some milk n cookies, LOL.

And it hits me like a truck: This is the lil' "dance" that Kev and I are going to keep doing for our whole friendship/relationship! Eventhough I care deeply for him, I'm going to keep hurting his feelings because I cant let him be for me what I've been for him...A shoulder, someone to trust, and someone who's "there" no matter what...A rock. But, I am who I am...and I pride myself on being stong and independant...Being a Man of Steele. He knows that, and is just gonna have to realize that it is what it is...And, hopefully be happy with what we already have.

When I hear/play the song above (Bad Girl by. Madonna), it makes me think about myself...And how I always end up hurting the one's I care about the most...Family, friends, whoever. Yea...I'm really that screwed.

DAMN!! Its 7am and the sun's up...Lemme take my ass to BED!! LMAO!!

~1~ ;-)