He Don't Wanna Kiss...He Just Wants to Fuck Fuck Fuck.

This post was originally going to be called; "So, He Won't Kiss You...Yet, He Wants a Blowjob, To Blow Your Back Out, and Possibly Have You Climb His Back." But, I figured that would have been too much of a mouth full.

I was at work the other night, talking with one of my gal pals, when the conversation veered off into sex and men. Mainly, the weird sexual hangups that some men seem to have. Like, for example, how a straight guy might refuse to passionately kiss a girl that he's fucking around with, yet, this same guy will eat her pussy until the cows come home. Isn't it odd how these great discussions seem to start when yours truly is around?

I got to thinking about the alternate Gay version of this conundrum. You know, that Gay guy, usually a "top", who doesn't want to kiss nor blow the other guy he's hooking up with (or on a date with), yet, expects to get served some ass with a blowjob on the side. I've personally seen this situation far too many times. But, two times in particular seem to stand out for me. One, an online hookup and potential date, from last Fall, whose fuckery was just too much to deal with. The other, a date from a month ago.

Guy number one, "Homeboy", I met on Adam4Adam. I loved his photos, which later turned out to be completely fake and stolen from an escort's page. The conversation was cute, he seemed intelligent enough, and he had a good job in real estate. With all of that going for him, I figured I would consider talking to him and see it might lead. And, did I mention those hot photos, which he lifted from the sexy escort's page? I mean, he wasn't unattractive, he just wasn't what I expected. Anyway, it was a cold mid-November Saturday night when Homeboy and I decided to hangout at his temporary home, which also housed his family. I got to his place and noticed the difference in his appearance. But, just like he was intelligent enough, over the phone, he was just cute enough, in person, for me to decide not to ask the million dollar question. Plus, I was
curious about him. Not the "I wanna get to know him" kind of curious, but, the "I wanna study him" kind of curious. I mean, I have a guy here who, one, used fake photos online, two, had the balls to meet with me, and three, did feel compelled to address the obvious elephant in the
room. This was a new kind of fuckery, and I had to investigate it further.

Homeboy and I sat on the couch for awhile, channel surfing, until he invited me into a cluttered and cramped guess bedroom, to finish watching "The Borne Supremacy" on HBO. We laid in bed, cuddling, heavy petting, you know, the usual. But, every time I tried to kiss him
anywhere near the mouth, he would do this sly little move where he would try to steer my head to his crotch. Fed up, I asked him what was up. Homeboy then told me that he doesn't kiss anyone until getting to know them better. So, he didn't want to kiss me, yet, he wanted a blowjob. What the fuck kind of logic is that?!?

Mentally, I threw my hands in the air, said "whatever", and gave him some lack-luster head. I mean, I was bored, it was late, and I didn't feel like making a trek all the way back to my place. After I got bored of blowing Homeboy, he got up and went over to a drawed storage
container by the bed. In which case, he pulls out and throws onto the bed a condom and a small jar of "dollar store" Vaseline. I my head, I'm asking myself: "what kind of fuckery is this guy?". I picked up the jar, looked Homeboy square in the eye, and asked what the hell it was for. He
then informs me that its supposed to be "lube". What the fuck is this, that OZ show? I then sighed, looked back at him, and simply stated: "Nah, its really not." I hate when men are uneducated about the "basics" of man-on-man action.

After I shut Homeboy down, we agreed to take our asses to bed. He bitterly slept on his side and I slept on the other, until the morning came, and I took my ass home to sit in front of the TV with a Mcgriddle. After that morning, Homeboy and I never spoke again.

Guy number two, the "Debater", I met back in July. One Saturday, after a week of "sexting" back and forth, we had an impromptu late-night date. There wasn't much romance between us, but, we had a cute time. He took me to Shadow Bar, where I ended up getting another sexy guys' number. We took a late-night stroll around the Gayborhood, which ended in us going to IHOP for whatever meal it is that occurs at three AM. While waiting for our food, we had the chance to really talk. The Debater had a lot going for him. He was not only sexy, but, he was smart-a recent graduate from Los Angeles, who decided move back home, to Chicago, for law school and to teach the art of Debate to high-schooler's. The more we talked, the more i liked him, and seemingly the more chemistry we had.

After IHOP, the Debater and I came back to my place to unwind. We watched a little TV, cuddled, and started fooling around. Between all of the rubbing, touching, and groping, I made my way to kiss him on the lips. While playing with his dick, he gives me the line: "I don't usually kiss somebody til I get to know them..." I then asked him how long that usually takes, which he tells me is two dates. Yet, he was alright with us "sixty-nining" together. I was somewhat fine with that, and we continued our activity. But, not ten minutes later, he broke his little kissing rule, and began the "sex debate". He wanted to have sex, mainly, he wanted to fuck me. I then picked up his earlier line, about kissing, and threw it right back at him.

Needless to say, he didn't like hearing his own line coming from someone else's lips. But, he got over it, and we had a hot little "session" before he left. The Debater and I continued talking, on and off, after that night, but, it just never went anywhere.

My question is this; what is the mentality and reasoning behind the guy who's up for fucking, and everything else under the sun, yet, doesn't want to lip-lock?

A Mid-Summer Night's Fuckery.

***Listening To***
"Bathwater" by. No Doubt

This past weekend was certainly a memorable one, to say the least. Its not every Saturday night that I get my heart semi-broken, by the first guy that I've ever had feelings for. This is also the same guy that could have seen myself falling in love with and having a great relationship with, in the future. Here's the kicker; A part of me hasn't threw that little ball of hope out the window yet.

Let me explain...

I met this guy a few weeks ago....Lets call him "Heartbreaker". We talked for a little bit, and then we went out on a really special date...or, so I thought, seeing that it was his birthday and all. Our first date was actually the best I've had so far. We went to dinner at a nice restaurant. We had a fabulously romantic little stroll downtown, complete with lots of PDA (as you know, I LOVE being romantic). All the while, our chemistry was mixing so easily...as if we were sort of meant for each other. In fact, Heartbreaker is the total package. He's everything that I look for in a man. He's sweet, honest (I like that he doesn't sugar-coat everything), smart, charismatic, relationship oriented (so I thought) and, it doesn't hurt that he happens to be quite the looker. All of those qualities are the things that make him sexy to me. Hell, over dinner he talked about how he wants to start a family and start having kids when he's in his thirties.

Sidebar: Heartbreaker recently got out of a two-year relationship with someone who he was planning a wedding with...that was until he found out that his supposed future husband was CHEATING on him.

Anyway, we ended up back at his place, where we hung out, talked, drank, played with & walked his doggy (he's such a good father and they are too cute together), made out passionately (don't get me started on how much I loved kissing him & how I've never experienced that kind of passion JUST by kissing before), cuddled, had some foreplay, and fell asleep in each others arms. It all felt so perfect and natural...Even down to his doggy climbing into bed with us while we slept.

Waking up with Heartbreaker felt so...right. I could actually see us dating and, down the line, moving into the long-term relationship zone. Of course, everything isn't all perfect, and I would have to get use to. Like, the fact that in Chicago's small Black Gay community, a lot of people know who he is...either from his two jobs or from him being in the Ballroom scene. He's also what I would call a "Club Queen" (meaning, he clubs a lot). And, he's somewhat of a party boy. These are all things that I'm ok with, seeing that they are just a part of who he is. Another thing I thought was "cute" about us is that he's such a social butterfly...which I'm so not. I thought it would be one those cute little dynamics we could have in a relationship.

Also, after we awoke, we had a little making-out and mutual masturbation "session" (as he later calls it) before we left his place. Which was one of the most passionate thing I've experienced.

A part of me thought (and might still think) that he could possibly be the Willow to my Tara.

So, after our fantabulus date, for the past weeks, I've been trying to arrange a second date...Which hasn't been easy, seeing that our work schedules conflict. Well, this past Saturday, we were finally able to meet up after he got off work. Which was great, seeing that I was looking to get "fucked-up" and have fun that night.

I came off the subway, in Boystown, to be greeted by Heartbreaker, his doggy, and two of his friends...One of which, come to find out later, is ALSO trying to date Heartbreaker. The way he greeted me was a little odd. It wasn't the way one greets someone who they're "dating". It just a cute little friendly hug. After which, he introduced me to his two friends.

Once we got our drinks together, we walked around and just hung out. While we were walking around, someone who knows Heartbreaker made a nice little comment about him "cruising" with his doggy. Which made me comment. Which lead him to say..."I still consider myself to be single." This wasn't a problem for me, since I only considered us to be dating.

Cut to us, 20mins later, walking around together, me making the romantic gester of holding Heartbreakers' hand, one of the "friends" who was with us breaking our connection and getting into Heartbreakers' face, and me wondering WTF. While this little situation is cooling, he explains to me that the "friend" who nearly chewed his face off ALSO likes him and is ALSO trying to date him. (I know...its madd shady, right?). He then informs me that he's ONLY wants to have friends right now.

Fast forward to 4AM-ish, where Heartbreaker and I (drunk off our asses) are standing by one of his friends' car, talking bout "us", our huge attraction to each other, why we like each other, how sexy he thinks I am, me explaining how I'm into him because of what he has "up stairs" instead of what's in his pants, and the issues or technicalities that might stand in our way. His main point was that we are physically, emotionally, and intellectually perfect for each other. But, sexually, there might be a problem. We might end up having to wrestle for the "Top" position, since he can't be, and I might not be able to be, as versatile as one might need the other to be. And, he didn't want to lead me on to believe that he could be on the "receiving" end, as much as I might need him to be.

I hate technical difficulties! And, I might be new to all this man-2-man dating/relationship shit, but I don't care about all that "technical" bullshit. I'm open-minded enough to at least see that there's a possibility that we can compromise and just iron-out this "technical" shit as we go along. Am I being to head-strong?

He also made the argument that, since our energy together is so good (other than the"technicality), we might be great as friends. But, how can I JUST be friends with someone who I can imagine waking up next to and looking into their eyes and finding solace in their lips?

We came to the conclusion that we need to sit down one day, when weer both sober, and figure things out. After this, Heartbreaker walked me to the train, hugged me, I got on, and rode home...Eyes full of water, puffy, and fighting back tears.

It makes sense, that, when I finally find someone who I could actually see myself building something with, something gets in the way.

Is there any cure for the Love-Lorn?

;-)

These Things Happen ONLY To ME...aka The Universe Is The One Hell Of A Bitch!

***Listening To***
"Paper Bag" By. Fiona Apple

Once again, someone else has something that I want! Its ONLY Monday and I'm ALREADY getting screwed this week!

So, get into this, I met this HOTT guy on the subway, on Friday, on my way home from downtown. We exchanged glances, and I noticed the gear he had with him...Photography gear. I thought it was kinda cool he was into Photography, so I started a conversation with him about his hobby, when we got off at our stop. Oh yeah, before all this, I first noticed that he was a fellow Gay.

Anyhow, we talked for second and exchanged numbers before we got on our separate buses(more like I asked for his number, and he gave it up). As it turns out, he's actually a fashion photographer, and its been his passion for about 3-years, and also he's in college studying his passion . So, lets call him "Nikon".

Nikon and I texted a little on Friday-just small-talk ish, and over the weekend. Since he had shoots all weekend, there wasn't really any chance of talking much less getting to meet up.

That being said, we had THIS nice little text-chat tonight, before I went to work:

Me: "Yo! Wassup?"

Nikon: "Workin Out"

Me: "Awww. How was ur day?"

Nikon: "A lil slow."

Me: "What r u doin this weekend?"

Nikon: "Shooting as always."

Me: "Well, if ur done early enough on saturday and if I dont have 2 work, I was wondering if you wanted 2 go out."

Nikon: "Out? Out where?"

Me: "I dunno...its only monday! LOL! Get something to eat, hangout, etc..."

Nikon: "Like a date?"

Me: "Yes...like a date or whatever."

Nikon: "Lol...Thanks but I'm engaged...I shouldnt be goin on dates."

Side Bar: WHAT THE FUCK!?!?

Me: "Really? 4 how long?"

Nikon: "Not very long..."

Nikon: "I'm kiddin but I am with some 1."

And, there you go. Someone with all the qualities that I look for in a man, including the fact that he's gay, happens to be someone else's property. It would much easier if I could say he led me on...But, he didn't. I knew it was only a matter of time before the Universe found a way to screw me once again. But, it is what it is...I'll never have a boyfriend or a healthy relationship...And that's fine. By the time I'm older (40-ish), gays will be getting married all over the place...And, I'll have my career, my cats, and my ice-cream. Assuming that I don't become desperate enough to throw my "standards" out the window and start hopping on everything, with two legs and a dick, that gives me the slightest attention.

It is what it is...

By the way, there should be some kind of "ID" system for the Gays. Like a bracelet or a ring or something, that's color-coded, in order to figure out if someone is either Single or Taken or in an Open Relationship or whatever-the-fuck. Just a damn thought!!!

;-)

$5 + 2 Drinks = A Bitter Man-less Rocafella

***Listening To***





Well, my ego got a serious blow to it, tonight. Earlier, I went out, to a club, partly to just get out of the house and partly to find a new guy to replace “Cool”. Don't get me wrong, we're still talking, but things are moving way too fucking slow for me! He's lack-luster, boring, doesn't give me the attention/validation that I need, and, bottom line, I need to make sure I have a “spare” before I officially put an end to this Pre-School make-believe shit.

Anyway, I go to the Gay club, for the second time...And its a completely OPPOSITE experience than it was the first time that I went. It was madd boring. Since I don't dance and since I'm not really a “social” person, I just stood around listening to the music, looking at the crowd, and sipping my drinks. All the while, not ONE SINGLE man hit on me!! I mean, DAMN!...I looked damn hott! And still, no dice! I figured that I might have a better time if I had another drink, to loosen up a bit. LOL, yeah I was “buzzed”...yet pissed and lonely. I also noticed that almost EVERYONE was there with they're friends/buddies...Which I DONT have! Hell, there were even a couple (man & woman), who asked me if I were having a good time, when I sat down.

Since I'm not exactly a “fun” kind of person, do I give-off a certain “serious” vibe?

Maybe I just need to face the facts, and realize that the universe is trying to tell me something:

1. For the FIRST TIME, I come out of my shell and actively pursue a guy...And it turns out to be a disaster!

2. I cant someone new...Even at a GAY bar!

3. I was MUCH better off NOT dealing with men and I should go back to the way that things were.

Yeah, if things don't turn around soon, I'm done...AGAIN!

;-)

Roca's First Date...How Cute

***Listening To***



Well, like I had planned in the last post, I went out with "Cool" over
the weekend...And, it wasn't as hard, or weird, as I hyped my first date
EVER to be.

We went out, this past Saturday, to the movies to see "Cloverfield" (which, by the way, is a really good flick...the ending was interesting, yet sucked. LOL.). It was a cute experience. The last time I'd gone to the movies with someone was ages ago, in high school...With some chick I
was BFF with, to see a "Harry Potter" movie (LOL).

Anyway, after the movie we got back on the train, and ended up back at his place. I didn't actually "plain" this part...I just got off, at his stop, with him, because I wanted to at least be a gentleman and walk him home. Either way, he invited me in, introduced me to his 15yo lil' sis (who I just LOVE), and took me to his room. Where we chilled, watched a couple movies, talked, and clowned for a few hours. Then, I left.

The only bad thing, to me, was that he didn't even try to make a damn move, on me, while we were sitting on his BED chilling. I even had to put on my "seducer" hat and say: "You don't have to be afraid to touch me, you know."

Anyway, when we talked, the next night, I asked him straight-up why he didn't try ANYTHING. As it turns out, he was waiting for ME to make the proverbial First Move...While I was waiting for HIM to make the First Move. What kind of Fuckery is THIS?!?! LOL, I guess, next time, I gotta just pounce on his ass like a damn lion on a fucking gazelle.

So, I guess I'm actually "seeing" someone now....interesting.

PS. Don't get it twisted...I'm not stupid enough to think weer in any kind of a relationship right now. And I'm defiantly going to keep my options open. I'm just saying...

;-)

Confession On A Dance Floor...My First Time At A Gay Club

***Listening To***




Well, in lou of my New Years post, I decided ot to waste any time, and set out on my first "adventure" for 2008. Saturday night, I decided to attend a Gay club for the very first time. I already knew where I wanted to go...Spin Night-Club, on the Northside. Saturdays are hip-hop & reggae night. The club closes at 3am, so I hopped on the subway at 11:30, and set off to the North.

Since friday and saturday nights are huge party/club nights, in Chicago, the train was just as full as if it were still daytime. I wasn't the only one looking to get into something that night (LOL). I have to admit, I was a little nervous on my train ride, not knowing what to expect. But, when we arrived at my stop, I knew there was no turning back. From being in that area times before, I knew exactly where I was going. Hell, there was even a cute guy, who i saw on the train, walking in the same direction (LOL).

From outside the club, I could hear the booming sounds coming from the backroom's dance floor. When I walked in, the door guys were so cheery and cool while they checked my ID, took my $5 cover, and stamped my hand. When I got into the main building, I was taken by how "chill" everything looked. The first part of the club is just a lounge with a bar, flat-screen tv's playing various videos, and pool tables. What I loved the most was how diverse the crowd was. Men, women, blacks, whites, latinos, young, and older...All in our "gayety" (LOL)! I walked into the backroom/party area and stood by a wall to soak in the atmosphere. Immediately, I took notice of a really cute carmel guy to my right, who was standing with another guy. As I looked aroung, I saw men dancing and chating with other men, and women dancing and chating with other women...And then I thought "Wow! This is just...GREAT!".

The guy from earlier noticed that I glanced at him a couple times, and started talking to me. I figured out later that his questions were the "usual", in this kind of place..."Where's your boyfriend?", "How come you don't got one?", etc. It turned out that Carmel was actually a "cat-daddy" (LOL). It just just happened to be his...42nd birthday!! I would not have EVER thought 42! 30 maybe! I asked him how he looked so good, and he said: "I don't let nothin' stress me baby!...Not my mama, not my grown daughter...!" Yeah, he was mos def under the "influence" (LOL). All I could do was grin. He then started dancing by me when his song started playing. I also found out that we gays love to get all touchy-feely with each other, in certain atmospheres. When Carmel Cat-daddy saw that he wasn't getting anywhere with me, he went over to hit on another "youngin" (who was my age.).

I decided that if I stayed in the same place for too long, people might start think that me and Carmel Cat-daddy were an item. So, I went to the bar, got my cocktail, and stood in a defferent area to listen to the music, checkout some eye-candy, and watch the videos playing on the walls. I realized that I didn't have to be a "dancer" in order to have a nice time...For I wasn't the only one just choosing to stand around and enjoy the show. Sipping on my drink, I was geting a lil' tipsy (the bartender used 95% vodka and 5% 7-up, LOL). As it turns out, the other "youngin", that Cat-daddy hit on, was dragged there by his two older friends (one of them introduced himself to me, and introduced me to "youngin" and his other buddy...Who were both bored.).

By the way, when Beyonce comes on...WATCH OUT! Because, the room goes crazy! LMAO!!

Anyway, as I was sipping my drink, checking out the various "man-candies" (a new word I invented), and getting checked out, I noticed this cute lil' guy that I saw on the dance floor earlier. Lets call him "Gangsta-Papi", LOL. He came over to me and we clinked our drinks together. We started talking, and he told me how "fucked up" he was...Which I was thinking: "Duh!" I stumbled a little bit, and he made a commint about me being "fucked up" too (LOL). I don't know how, but, we ended up leaving the backroom and went to sit in the lounge (It had to be the vodka in my system mixed his sexy ass cologne...Right?). He asked me where my dude was, I said I didn't have one. He asked why, and I said I ddn't know (LOL). He then lifted my cap, took a look, and said: "You sexy as fuck! How you don't gotta dude!?!". I said: "He didn't come around yet." (This was a double meaning.). He then said: "I think he right here!" (I know its not the BEST line, but, he was drunk...ok!).

After our little chat session, we just sat, looking into each others eyes, holding hands, touching, rubbing, licking our lips, and just being...GAY!! And I LOVED it!! I've been "sensual" with another guy before, and I was LOVING it!! Before I knew it, we were leaning into each other, and started kissing! Eventhough he was drunk and kissing kind of "sloopy-ish", he was still madd passionate. I've never experienced anything like that before, and it was great (And Papi's tongue was madd long too, LOL). When we came up for air, I suggested that he write his name/number on a napkin from the bar. But, he couldn't hear. All he could do was stare into my eyes, lick his juicy lips, and grin...Apparently, he was just mesmerized by me and blocked everything else out (LOL). Feeling the magnetic vibe between us, we leaned in again, and made out some more...This time, with Gangsta-Papi showing me much more passion than before! Damn!...He fucking mauled me!...And it felt tooo good! It lasted for a while, and after we came back up for air, he whispered in my ear: "You got me thru da roof shorty...Foreal!"

We played around a little bit more, in the lounge, and got up to go back to the party/backroom (he wanted to go back in). After he gave me a few more lines, they called "last call", and then the "vouging" started. That was...Interesting to say the least (LOL). After the dancing was over, Papi and I went back to the lounge and he gave me his phone so i could call mine from it, to get his number. After that, he went to find the friend he came with, I told him I'd hit him up, and I left.

Walking back to the train, I couldn't help but to have a Cheshire Cat grin planted on my face...Which lasted until I got back home. I haven't felt this good or confident in a WHILE (I was in need of some "validation")! It's the experience and "adventure" that i would never take back...I actually had a nice time there! And I wouldn't mind going back, just to chill in the lounge, have a drink, enjoy the videos on the plasma's, and play some pool.

This must be what its like to be Single...Going out, having a good time, being able to kiss and touch whoever, and not having obligations to any one person. I think like it!

;-)

The Jump-Off That Could've Been.

Well, I'm just getting in from work...But, 20mins ago, I almost had a "Jump off"!!

I was at the subway/bus terminal (at 4am), waiting for my bus with everyone else, listening to my iPod, when I noticed this madd cute nigga glancing at me. Then, he gives me the "wassup" nod. And, I gave it back....Then, we kept glancing at each other. After that, he walked out to where the buses park/wait. I saw my bus, and plained on geting it, but I walked towards "Dennis" instead (hey, I wanted to get his damn number...Okay!).

I walked up to "Dennis", and we exchanged "whuddups", names, and what-not...Then, he gave me some story about how he got locked outta his house and now he was on his way back home cuz somebody was there to let him in now...Yada yada yada. He then asked if I was trying to get into "something". I told him: "Naw, I'm bout 2 go home...I'm madd tired". Then, he wanted to know if he could come to my crib and "kick it"...NOW!!

I laughed, and told him: "Naw!...I dont even know you all-like-that." (it didnt help that he pointed out that my dick was madd hard, while I was being all serious with him) He then want on about how he's a "real good dude" and that I could even pat-him-down to make sure he didnt have anything on him. I said: "Yea, you seem like a good dude." He came back with (while grining and licking his sexy-ass lips): "Yea, you aint seen nothin' yet."

I laughed again, and asked if he had a phone so he could hit me up sometime. He told me it was turned off right now! Anyway, I wrote down my number on an envelope he had in his pocket, and told him to call whenever (Shut up! I was curious!). We then walked to another bus stop, where it wouldn't be sooo many people around (I was ready to hurt dude, if he wanted to pull some greasy-ass-shyt). During our convo, I told him: "Yo! I dont do shyt like that ( random jump-off's)..."You do this all the time, dont you." He said: "Nope! I just saw you, and thought you was cute, and liked you."

He then want on, AGAIN, about how he was a "good dude" and that I could pat-him-down...And, I did...Twice!!!! It felt sooooo fucking good to touch and feel-up-on this cute ass nigga (Hey!! I haven't touched a damn man in YEARS!...Dammit, can you blame me for wanting to have a lil' fun?)!!

Anyway, we talked a little more, and then the second bus was coming...He asked: "So, we cant kick it?" I said: "Not now, call me." He then gave me the "So, its like that?" shyt. I just told him to hit me up, got on my bus, and watched him walk back to get his train...And, I thought "Why can't the "right" one's be that bold...DAMMIT!!"

Bottom Line: "Dennis" is/was...
1. Either slow...Or high? Maybe a combo of both?
2. 22.
3. Cell's turned off.
4. Job-less.
5. Working on getting his...GED!?!?
6. A smoker.
7. Most likely a user.

Ugh!! You really cant judge a book by its handsome cover!