*Listening To* "It's All Over but the Crying (Remix)" by. Garbage
I've always know this, deep down, but now I actually have conformation. I'm 22yrs, and I've never dated anyone, never been in a relationship, never had boyfriend, and I've never really "talked" to a guy for more than week. And, I've come to realize that things are going this way for the rest of my life...22, 32, 42, 52, etc.
How did I come to realize this? Well, I've been thinking...which is basically a coin-toss of whether or not something good might come from it. Anyway, I've been thinking, marinating with my thoughts, and thinking of questions for my "research" into my family's past...and my future.
And what does it all come back to? Genetics.
While in thought, I started to trace things and put things together and connect the dots. I wanted to know why I can't seem to even develop healthy relationships much less be involved in one. So, I started with the small family that I do have left. So, there's my Nana (67), my Grandfather (65), my Uncle (47), and my Aunt (41).
As far as I know, Nana's only been in one big relationship...with the father of her children (grandpa)...who she divorced back in the 70s. And, there's been NOBODY else since then. Grandfather has had continuous whatevers with women who use him. Uncle is in his forties, has a career in charity work, and alone. And, Aunt (the fag hag) is also in her forties, man-less, and has never had a successful relationship.
After going through everyone's situation, I started to think: What about my Mother? Granted, she died when she was 35, but she was a lot different from everyone else in our family, and remember her dating or seeing someone when I was a kid. Which leads me to one of the most awkward and weirdest conversations I've ever had to have...I was forced to call Nana and ask her about my mom's (her daughter's) romantic life.
Here's how THAT went:
Ya ya ya...Blah blah blah...
Roc: "So, did my mom ever have any successful relationships?"
Nana: "What? Did you want to know if your mother ever had sexual relations?"
Sidebar: Oh god, kill me now. I did NOT ask you THAT grandma! Granted, I had just gotten off the subway, and there was a considerable amount of background noise on my end...but still, that whole exchange was just something that should never have happened!
Roc: "No! Did my mom ever have any SUCCESSFUL relationships?!"
Nana: "Oh!...SUCCESSFUL relationships."
Roc: "yeah....like dating or long-term relationships."
Nana: "Well, I don't think she really "dated" anyone. But, she "saw" people."
Nana: "I guess her relationship with your father was successful...right?"
Roc: "Ummm NO! Not at all!"
Sidebar: Really Nana!? You consider THAT to be a "successful" relationship!? So, I guess my mom's only "real" relationship involved having an accident-kid with a guy who cheated on her and brought needless drama into her life, until she cut ties with him? Seriously!?! This is the kind of fucked up thinking doesn't surprise me at all.
Anyway, during our conversation, I realized that its all GENETIC. One of the main reasons why I left,a few years ago, was because I didn't want to end up like the rest of my family. But, I realize, now, that I'll never be happy with anyone. I'll never be able to have anything close to a "healthy" relationship with a guy, because its not in my DNA. And, even if I ever come close to having something "serious", with someone, I'm pretty sure I'll fuck things up somehow.
I guess Shirley Manson was right...Certain things DO turn ugly, when you think too hard.
Well, I guess this entry might be a little over due, seeing that I have ALWAYS wanted/needed to get this particular "issue" off my chest and out of my mind. And, since a new year is on its way, I want to start letting go of my "baggage"...So to speak. There was a moment in my life, in my childhood, that changed me forever and shaped who I've become today. No matter how deep I try to bury it, its still there...10 years later. It's the main reason why I have my "issues"...The main reason why I can't really get close to ANYONE, or trust ANYONE, or love ANYONE, or even want to be loved by ANYONE. Its why I've never dated ANYONE, and partly why I avoid my family now that I'm an adult.
1997...
Until Augest 15th 1997, I grew up with my single mother, in our nice lil' apartment. By the time I was 11, I was already used to being a "latch-key" kid, since we lived in the city and I was madd smart, responsible, and well behaved for my age. We had a nice little family...Me, Mom, Nana, Grandpops and my Aunt. Yeah, I was close to the rest of my familly, but my mom and I were madd tight...Kind of like having a friend and mom all in one person. I was such a "Mama's" boy. I remember the GREAT holidays we had, the food that ONLY she could cook right, and me saying "God is love, and goodnight" almost every night before I went to bed. And, she was always into style...Huh! Guess thats where I get it from, LOL.
Anyway, that all came to an end, on the 15th. The day before Aug 14th, was like any other hot summer day...As i remember. I had just got done with my lil' City Summer Camp gig, and was on chill until school started in September. Mom did laundry that day (I remember because their was fresh laundry on her bed when the cops came the next morning). That night, she made dinner for me, and everything was the "usual" (I think). Later that evening, she went out (I think with friends or something), and while I was laying in my bed, watching the 11 o'clock news, and the phone rang. The caller-ID said "payphone" or something, I picked it up, and it was Mom. My memory's a little fuzzy, but, the convo went like this:
Me: "Hello"? Mom: "M*&$. I'm stopping at the store, you want anything?" Me: (Forgot what I asked for) Mom: "Ok. I'm on my way home, ok?" Me: "Ok." Mom: "Goodnight." Me: "Goodnight."
Little did i know, thats the last time I'd hear my mom's voice or have a conversation with her. After that, I put this yay-high flat steele thingy up against the apartment door (it was our stupid lil' security system...eventhough we had a big-ass steele door with deadbolt locks ), so that I'd hear her come in, and took my little ass to bed.
I woke up hearing that metal thing hit the floor, figured mom was home, and turned back over. But, then I heard a walkee-talkee, and people talking. Someone yelled "HELLO!?!", and I got out of bed, noticed that it was the morning, peeked out my bedroom door, and saw two police officers standing in the living room. They saw me, and one of them said "Hi.". I think they asked me to get dressed and come with them. I got dressed (heart beating out my chest), grabbed my House Key, and went into the living room with the cops. I asked where my mother was, and they didnt tell me anything. I went with them to the leasing office for our apartment buliding, and just waited. I think I played Solitare on the computer or something. I just knew something was wrong...I just figured that mom was in the hospital or something, I'd see her, and we'd be back home in a little bit.
I don't know how, but, the police got my Grandmother's work number, and called her (I think I gave them her home number). And apparently she got a hold of my Grandpa, because, a little later, they came to pick me up. I saw the worried looks on their faces, but, they didn't tell me anything. They took me to my Grandpa's house, and left me there with someone to watch me, so they could go to the Hospital. I sat at Grandpa's house, for what seemed like hours, my head spinning, wondering what the hell could have happened, bored, tired, and scared. But, for some reason, I just assumed that my Mom was alright (deep down, something just felt really "off" in my reality)...But, at the same time, I was afraid of seeing her in a hospital bed. I guess, when your a kid, you assume that the people you love are just...Invincible.
Anyway, my grandparents come back, and they "looks" on their faces (They just had to ID the body of their oldest daughter). Nana was holding back sobs and Grandpa had really wet red eyes. They sat down, and Grandpa told me that my mother was in an accident...and that she died.
It felt I had gotten kicked in the stomach and was falling out of a window at the same time. I was confused, scared, broken, and still trying to figure out what was happening. All the while, crying my eyes out, heaving, face hurting, and wishing I could just wake up. The emotion just wouldn't STOP! On the car ride to my grandmother's house (my new home), I couldn't stop crying and heaving in the backseat. Even when we got to her house, and to the "guest" room (my new bedroom), I couldn't stop. Night came, and all I could think about was my mom...And, I got to the point where I just ran out of tears. I don't remember when it was, but my grandma told what happened:
My mom at the corner store, that night, putting bags into the the backseat of her car on the passenger side, when some dude that was high/drunk was speeding away from the police, when he hit a pole and then crashed into my mom's parked car on the driver's side, while she was puting her bags in the backseat...Which slamed the side the car where she was into the store's wall. Dude that was driving died at the "scene". I forgot what happened to the friend that was riding with him. But, my mom was alive when the paramedics got to her, and took her to the ER...But, they couldn't save her!!
The police/court called it a "Feak Accident" and "Vehicular Homicide".
Going back to my old home, to pick up my stuff and pack up my life, brought more tears...And, so did the funeral. Then, my tears turned to anger and strength. Somewhere down the road, after everything wasn't so "fresh", I decided that I couldn't love ANYONE ever again...Because, "love" equals pain and lose. And, if I don't "love" or get "close"to anyone...It can't hurt when they leave or die. Which is why I distanced myself from my remaining family when I was growing up, moved a few states away after high school, and barely speak to them...I care about them. I just don't have it in me to deal with loosing/burying someone else that I'm related to. And, on some level, while growing up, I was waiting for mom to swing by Grandma's house and take me back home...Like, when she'd drop me off to get "babysat". After I realized that fantasy wasn't happening, I decided to just erase her altogether from my memory.
Deep down, A part of me hates my mom and myself. SHE left ME!! SHE was grown, and made a choice to go out that night!...Instead of staying home! Then again, I'm mainly to blame...If I wasn't BORN, she'd still be alive! If I wasn't BORN, she would not have moved into that two-bedroom apartment and been in that area! Why didn't she ABORT my ass!! Sometimes, when things go wrong, I think its because I'm not really not supposed to be around in the first place. A part of me knows that I don't deserve to be "happy"...And, a part of me doesn't want to be. I was "happy", over 10 years ago, then I got kicked in the fucking teeth and had the ground ripped from underneath me!!! God or whatever literally put-the-screws to me!!
I guess I have "Survivor's Guilt" or something.
Sometimes, I wonder "What if?". What if mom was still alive?...Whould I be a totally different person?...Whould I have moved away?...Whould we still be close?
I'm hoping that I can just get over all of this someday, and be normal like everyone else. But, I've spent most of my life being "shattered", and I doubt that Super Glue can even fix it.
