Baby's First Time in the Gay Pride Parade.

A couple weeks ago, I had the experience of a lifetime. I got the chance to actually participate in the Chicago Gay Pride Parade this year. It came through a gig that I scored with the company who's float I was on. I don't even know where to start.

I was working the float with Mystique Summers, from the second season of LOGO's "RuPaul's Drag Race". I was actually surprised by how funny, smart, and just plain down-to-earth she was. Its always interesting meeting people, from Reality TV, away from the cameras. Anyway, when the parade started, it felt as if my heart was going to fly right out of my chest. But, seeing millions of my fellow Gays, Lesbians, Transgenders, and Bisexuals cheering us on simply took away all my anxiety.

Even though wearing a skin-tight silver body suit is not the most comfortable thing to wear on a sunny near 90° day, I had a greatest time of my life. With everyone cheering, wanting photos, and showing me so much love, I really felt proud to be apart of our colorful Gay 
community. Seeing all of us coming together to create such a powerful positive energy really inspired me. This was our day, and if we really want to, we could rule the world. I felt as if I was actually apart of making History.

I always understood the reason for the Gay Pride festivities, but, that day I finally GOT IT.

I guess that shy little Gay boy, who moved to the Windy City all but five years ago, has come a long way.

;-)

Now Playing:

"Liberty Walk" - Miley Cyrus

"A Piece Of Sky" - Barbra Streisand

"Clap Your Hands" - Sia

Those "Silver Foxes" Just Keep on Comin'.

I was online, the other day, checking my inbox on Adam-4-Adam, when I saw yet another email from a horny older guy in his mid forties. For a while now, I've been thinking about the whole "age" thing when it comes to the Gay community, Gay men in particular. Being the keen social observer that I am, I've noticed a particular pattern where older Gays eroticse the younger generation of Gays. I've witnessed it first-hand, both over the Internet and in social settings. I might not be into older men, but that doesn't stop them from sending me emails via whatever dating site I might be using. In any given week, I receive at least fifteen messages all from men between the ages of 35 to 55.

I got to thinking about my generation of gay men, "Generation Y". Will we share the same fate of "Generation X"? Will we find ourselves still going to "twink" bars and looking for "love", on the Internet, well into our forties and fifties? I would hope not. Seeing that we have the reality of Gay Marriage in our grasps. But, sometimes I just wonder.

;-)   

Mr. Wine vs. Mr. Tequlia...The Age-Old Battle

A few weeks ago, I was chatting with a longtime buddy of mine. To make a long story short, I liked him years ago, he didn't act interested, I grew up and realized exactly the type of guys I really liked, he came back around, told me he had a "thing" for me now, and I basically had to break it to him that he wasn't my "type" anymore. In breaking this news to him, a funny notion started cooking in my mind. And, it made perfect sense. I'm hoping it'll make to you guys and gals too.

Let me be the first to say it...Men are like cocktails. Some guys are smooth and sophisticated, like wine. While others are wild and leave you with a hangover, like tequila or whatever hard liquor you might prefer. After taking a minute to really think about it, I realized that its not
only true, but the philosophical battle between the two, Mr. Wine and Mr. Tequila, has been going on for ages. And, most recently, they've been having a tennis match in my own head.

Like I mentioned before, "wine" guys are smooth and sophisticated. They also tend to older, drama free, tame, mature, and more straightforward about their feelings. Case in point, I actually dated a "wine" guy for almost two months. I also hooked up with one this past Summer, but, that's for another time. Anyway, I met a massage therapist by the name
of "Hands" in August. We met while I was modeling shirtless at the Chicago Pride booth, at Market Days. At first, it was just a passing flirtation while I handed him a flyer. But, little did I know that Hands and I would end up meeting that night, at a downtown club.

While at Shadow Bar, with my guys, Hands and I ran into each other as if fate itself had willed it so. I thought he was cute, he liked how I looked with my shirt off, and two minutes of witty conversation later we were exchanging numbers. We ended up talking and texting ourselves into that following Mondays' mid-afternoon lunch date at a downtown "gourmet" burger spot that I had seen on the Zagat site. The date went really well. As it turned out, Hands was a 32 year-old educated, well-traveled, driven, sweetheart who worked in Chicago's Financial District while pursuing a career as a massage therapist. We hit it off well, even though I was a little put off by our age difference. I mean, lets face it, while he was hitting puberty, I was still in diapers and potty training.

During the course of us dating, I noticed that he liked me a lot more than I liked him. Apparently, he felt the "spark", while I, on the other hand, didn't. I liked Hands, but, I just didn't feel "over the moon" about him. After we parted I realized what was really wrong. To anyone else, Hands would be "Mr. Right". But, to me, he was boring. He was too nice, too tame, didn't like going out or partying much, and he was too easy to be with. Basically, Hands was a "Wine" guy. He wasn't wild, crazy, adventurous, fun, and challenging puzzle...like a "Tequila" guy...like H.B., who I've spent a lot of time with last Summer, or like the other guys that I'm attracted to.

Does this all mean that I'm secretly attracted to..."bad boys"?

;-)

23 Questions...The Birthday Edition

Ok, my birthday was yesterday. But, since I had to work, I'm celebrating it this entire weekend (the 30-31st). I really want to take on being 23 with something different. A new outlook of things, a new attitude, and maybe trying a more "grown up" look. It is a year of Change right?

All that being said, and without being too wordy, this is a "Ask the Writer" post that I've been curious about trying for a while. Since I'm turning 23, I figure why not?

Here's how it goes: Readers can ask me as many questions as they like. But, of those questions, I will answer only 23 of the best and most interesting questions, which will be answered in an upcoming post. This post will stay up for 2-3 weeks, just to give people time to either find it or have time to think...there's no rush!

By the way, if you follow my Twitter, roca_fella07, you might already know...I got my nipples pierced the other day! I'm I still a prude?

Have fun.

;-)

Club Hopping 101

Its amazing what can happen in just a year's time. A year ago, I lost my "clubbing" virginity, and told you guys all about it. And, I remember it, just like it was yesterday.

A few weeks ago, I was looking through the various Club flyer's I had laying on one of my bedside tables, and it dawned on me. I've come such a long long long way from the club "virgin" I once was. That night, I was actually debating on where I wanted to spend my night...based on which place had the least expensive admission, the stronger/bigger/best priced drinks, etc.

I was surprised by how much my knowledge of the Club scene has expanded, in under a year. Now, I know which places, on certain nights, have which "drink specials". I've figured out where I can get more for my money. I figured out which crowds go to what places...meaning, I know where the hot guys and diverse crowds are.

Surprisingly, along the way, I've gotten "competed" drinks, discounted admission, been put on a few "VIP" list, and even gotten free porn. I like going to different places, and getting a "feel" for different environments. But, its great that, the more place I go to, the more choices I have for how I want to spend my free and single nights.

Its weird how things can change in just a year.

;-)

Labels, Labels, Labels!...And The Fuckery They Bring.

So, I've been wondering for the longest, what's the fucking deal Gay men and labels, when it comes to each other? I seem to only run into guys who are stuck on labels, for themselves, as well as other men. Meaning, the whole "Top", "Bottom", "Versitile", "Versitile-Top", and "Versitile-Bottom" label thing that it seems most Gays like to use for, and on, each other.

Personally, I've never been into the lable thing. I don't use any of the previously used labels to describe myself nor do I use them when looking for a boyfriend, date, etc. Even on my Adam4Adam and BGC profiles, I don't have anything listed under my "position". Also, while online looking at various profiles or pages, I don't use a guy's listed "position" to detemine whether or not I'm going to send him a message. In my rational; if I think he's hot, I like the content in his profile, and if his dimensions line-up, I send a message.

Lately, I've been coming across guys who are hung-up on labels. Heartbreaker was(is) hungup on being a "Top". So much so, that he lets it affect his relationship and dating choices. One of his friends even told me that Heartbreaker needs to be with a guy who's a "Strict Bottom". What the fuck is a "Strict" bottom??

And then there's this new shorty I've been talking to. We met online, one Sunday night, while I was in the middle of getting ready to go out. Since he happend to live in my neighborhood, I decided to take a small detour by his place on my way to original my destination. I got to his apartment, and was kind of surprized by how much of a cutie he was. Since he didn't have a face pic online, but, a nice body pic, I expected a "butta-face". But, hey, I was going in that direction for the train anyway, so, why not make a small pit stop?

Anyway, we met, hangout in his place, talked for about thirty minutes, and said our goodbye's. In our time together, nothing remotely sexual happened between us. Which was nice since we were just trying to get to know each other. Besides, he's cute, he's nice, he's smart, but, he's not really my "type" body wise.

A few minutes later, after I left, we ended up having an exchange, which he initiated, via text, as follows;

Dude: "Hey. Can I ask you somethin'?"

Roc: "Yeah, what is it?"

Dude: "Are you a top or a bottom?"

Roc: "LOL! Niether...you?"

Dude: "Top...u must be verz then."

Roc: "yea, I guess. Lol."

Next afternoon, while I'm on the bus, he texts me with some type of fuckery.

Dude: "If you had to choose, to get fucked or do the fucking, for the rest of your life, which would you choose?"

Roc: "LOL! What kinda question is that?"

Dude: "Just answer it."

Roc: "Lmao! Niether...you?"

Dude: "I'm a top, so its obvious what I choose. Just pick one."

Roc: "Why do I have to choose one?"

Dude: "I'll give u some time to think about it..."

Roc: "I don't need time to think. Lol!...why is it such a big deal?"

Sidebar: I didn't even really like this guy "all like that". He's cute, but, not really my type. So, I don't even know why I continued with this text fuckery for as long as I did. I think it was a combination of personal boredom mixed with the fact that I like a little comfrontation from time-to-time.

Dude: "Bcuz I need to know what's goin' on if we get into a relationship..."

Roc: "I guess."

Long story, short, we had a little text argument about how I can't date nor be involved with guys who are hungup on labels. He defended himself. We went back and forth on the issue. And, then we basically agreed to disagree.

Anyway, I hate running into guys who are hungup on labels. Not only for themselves, but, for other gay males. I've noticed that our Lesbian counterparts don't seem to have the problem in their community. And, they seem to have great fufilling relationships, without letting labels control their lives.

When are Gay men going to stop being such Label Whores?

;-)

Oh Honey, We're All "Working" Girls.

Lately, I've been referring to myself as a "working" girl. And, referring to guys who look at me, and like what they see, as potential "customers".

No, I'm not a hooker, escort, sex worker, or whatever name you might fancy. And, what I'm talking about has nothing to do with any monetary. But, I'm not only a Single Man...I'm a Single Person living in the damn city. And, recently, I've noticed (as a Single myself) that we (within the Single sub-culture) market or display ourselves, hoping to find that ultimate "customer" (boyfriend/girlfriend) who will like what they see and want to buy what we are selling.

Just think about it. Men, Women, Gay, or Straight, it doesn't matter. We all have been, or still are, Single, and on "display". Most Singles make sure they're extra "fly" before leaving the house. Men might don that special "smell-good" that drives the Men/Women wild. Women do the same thing. But, in a Woman's case, she might add those "fuck me" pumps, a mask of makeup, cute nails, etc.

We go out to bars, clubs, parties, even shopping, as walking spokesmodels showing off the merchandise known as...Ourselves.

For example, while grocery shopping, last week, I picked up a "customer". I was in the frozen foods section, this guy (who's not really my type) liked what he saw, and he decided to approach me. Basically, he liked what I was selling, and wanted to be a potential "customer".

Now, personally, when I'm out-n-about, I like to sell a kind of sex appeal...mainly because I'm somewhat of a tease, somewhat of a flirt, and I like validation from others. But, back to my point, as a Single I'm putting out that special Single "vibe" and displaying my merchandise, hoping that another Hot Single will want to buy what I'm selling. And, there's a Single out there hoping that I might want to buy what he's also selling.

There's a reason why its called being "on the market".

I'm sure you've seen it. Those who finally land that ultimate "customer" might stop caring a tab less about their appearance and giving off a certain vibe. This is because they no longer have to display themselves for potential "customers". They already have what they want, so, why over-advertise?

Also, Singles have to carry the weight of wearing two hats, so to speak. Both as the "working" person and as a potential "customer". We might be out there selling a product, but, we're also looking to buy that similar product of a fellow "working" person. Hell, why do you think Singles Parties were such a huge success not too long ago? And, don't even get me started on the whole Club Scene.

Do you have the "working" girl mentality?

Well, I know I do.

;-)

A Mid-Summer Night's Fuckery.

***Listening To***
"Bathwater" by. No Doubt

This past weekend was certainly a memorable one, to say the least. Its not every Saturday night that I get my heart semi-broken, by the first guy that I've ever had feelings for. This is also the same guy that could have seen myself falling in love with and having a great relationship with, in the future. Here's the kicker; A part of me hasn't threw that little ball of hope out the window yet.

Let me explain...

I met this guy a few weeks ago....Lets call him "Heartbreaker". We talked for a little bit, and then we went out on a really special date...or, so I thought, seeing that it was his birthday and all. Our first date was actually the best I've had so far. We went to dinner at a nice restaurant. We had a fabulously romantic little stroll downtown, complete with lots of PDA (as you know, I LOVE being romantic). All the while, our chemistry was mixing so easily...as if we were sort of meant for each other. In fact, Heartbreaker is the total package. He's everything that I look for in a man. He's sweet, honest (I like that he doesn't sugar-coat everything), smart, charismatic, relationship oriented (so I thought) and, it doesn't hurt that he happens to be quite the looker. All of those qualities are the things that make him sexy to me. Hell, over dinner he talked about how he wants to start a family and start having kids when he's in his thirties.

Sidebar: Heartbreaker recently got out of a two-year relationship with someone who he was planning a wedding with...that was until he found out that his supposed future husband was CHEATING on him.

Anyway, we ended up back at his place, where we hung out, talked, drank, played with & walked his doggy (he's such a good father and they are too cute together), made out passionately (don't get me started on how much I loved kissing him & how I've never experienced that kind of passion JUST by kissing before), cuddled, had some foreplay, and fell asleep in each others arms. It all felt so perfect and natural...Even down to his doggy climbing into bed with us while we slept.

Waking up with Heartbreaker felt so...right. I could actually see us dating and, down the line, moving into the long-term relationship zone. Of course, everything isn't all perfect, and I would have to get use to. Like, the fact that in Chicago's small Black Gay community, a lot of people know who he is...either from his two jobs or from him being in the Ballroom scene. He's also what I would call a "Club Queen" (meaning, he clubs a lot). And, he's somewhat of a party boy. These are all things that I'm ok with, seeing that they are just a part of who he is. Another thing I thought was "cute" about us is that he's such a social butterfly...which I'm so not. I thought it would be one those cute little dynamics we could have in a relationship.

Also, after we awoke, we had a little making-out and mutual masturbation "session" (as he later calls it) before we left his place. Which was one of the most passionate thing I've experienced.

A part of me thought (and might still think) that he could possibly be the Willow to my Tara.

So, after our fantabulus date, for the past weeks, I've been trying to arrange a second date...Which hasn't been easy, seeing that our work schedules conflict. Well, this past Saturday, we were finally able to meet up after he got off work. Which was great, seeing that I was looking to get "fucked-up" and have fun that night.

I came off the subway, in Boystown, to be greeted by Heartbreaker, his doggy, and two of his friends...One of which, come to find out later, is ALSO trying to date Heartbreaker. The way he greeted me was a little odd. It wasn't the way one greets someone who they're "dating". It just a cute little friendly hug. After which, he introduced me to his two friends.

Once we got our drinks together, we walked around and just hung out. While we were walking around, someone who knows Heartbreaker made a nice little comment about him "cruising" with his doggy. Which made me comment. Which lead him to say..."I still consider myself to be single." This wasn't a problem for me, since I only considered us to be dating.

Cut to us, 20mins later, walking around together, me making the romantic gester of holding Heartbreakers' hand, one of the "friends" who was with us breaking our connection and getting into Heartbreakers' face, and me wondering WTF. While this little situation is cooling, he explains to me that the "friend" who nearly chewed his face off ALSO likes him and is ALSO trying to date him. (I know...its madd shady, right?). He then informs me that he's ONLY wants to have friends right now.

Fast forward to 4AM-ish, where Heartbreaker and I (drunk off our asses) are standing by one of his friends' car, talking bout "us", our huge attraction to each other, why we like each other, how sexy he thinks I am, me explaining how I'm into him because of what he has "up stairs" instead of what's in his pants, and the issues or technicalities that might stand in our way. His main point was that we are physically, emotionally, and intellectually perfect for each other. But, sexually, there might be a problem. We might end up having to wrestle for the "Top" position, since he can't be, and I might not be able to be, as versatile as one might need the other to be. And, he didn't want to lead me on to believe that he could be on the "receiving" end, as much as I might need him to be.

I hate technical difficulties! And, I might be new to all this man-2-man dating/relationship shit, but I don't care about all that "technical" bullshit. I'm open-minded enough to at least see that there's a possibility that we can compromise and just iron-out this "technical" shit as we go along. Am I being to head-strong?

He also made the argument that, since our energy together is so good (other than the"technicality), we might be great as friends. But, how can I JUST be friends with someone who I can imagine waking up next to and looking into their eyes and finding solace in their lips?

We came to the conclusion that we need to sit down one day, when weer both sober, and figure things out. After this, Heartbreaker walked me to the train, hugged me, I got on, and rode home...Eyes full of water, puffy, and fighting back tears.

It makes sense, that, when I finally find someone who I could actually see myself building something with, something gets in the way.

Is there any cure for the Love-Lorn?

;-)

Best 4th Of July By Far

During the time of my most recent journal entry, I didn't really feel like being around anyone, talking to anyone, or being very "friendly" at all. Then, someone by the name of Adam B. Irby came to town with his friends and me just what I needed to lift my sprits.

Being from Jersey-2-Cleveland-2-Chicago, it was quite refreshing to have some New Yorkers around. What was even more refreshing was the fact they were such a great group of guys. They were so welcoming and fun and just cool to be around. They really made me feel like one of the "sisters" (LOL)...and the fun I had with them was the most I've had in such a long time. I just wish I would've had the chance to thank them before they left.

I also wish I had a group of friends like that, of my own, here in The Windy City.

By the way, Adam is one of the coolest guys I've ever met. And, I'm not just saying that because he was who inspired my own blog...or, because, in his words, he "birthed" me (LOL). He's the type of person that I could really see myself being all BFF with.

;-)

7-2-2008

For the time being, "friends" are out, and "associates" are in.

A so-called "friend" let me down the other day. Since I've never been to a Gay Pride before, I took my ass all the up to the damn North Side (an area I'm not familiar with) to meet-up with so-called "friend" for some Gay Pride festivities. When I got all the way up there, I called him numerous times for directions to their location, he didn't answer, so I took my ass back on the train, went home, and ordered a pizza.

I got on the train, leaving the North Side, feeling like a total fool. And, hopping on a train full of Gays sporting their smiles and multi-colored beads and significant others and various other Pride goodies didn't help my mood at all. Mid-way through my solom commute back home, the so-called "friend" calls me back and gives me a semi valid excuse as to why he didn't answer when I called earlier. I didn't give a fuck about his excuse. Excuses only make me angrier...no matter how valid or reasonable they are. All I know is that I want what I want...And, if I can't have it, I don't want ANYTHING at all.

In the middle of this call, I'm outside, and a fucking mini rainstorm starts...and, I'm umbrella-less, wearing shorts with no socks, and short sleeves.

So. I'm already PISSED for many reasons.

1. PISSED because I took my ass all the way to the North Side, only to be screwed-over and let-down

2. PISSED because I feel like such a fucking fool.

3. PISSED because, now, I'm soaking wet.

Then, still on the phone, "friend" hits me with this Zen shit about "taking initiative"...Oh no he didn't just try that flip-the-fucking-script shit? Well. THAT was all I needed for me to POP OFF and let him have it before his phone went out or before he hung up on me or whatever-the-fuck.

Anyway, I hit so-called "friend" up on Tuesday with a txt, asking if he was going to apologize to me. And, he said that he wasn't going to. Which means, that he's OUT...I'm done with him now.

I'm mad because I allowed myself to feel some kinda way about this whole situation...I'm getting too soft.

I have to remember and expect that people will always screw me over or let me down or disappoint me...and, THAT'S why I have to keep them at arms length.

I need to be in CONTROL...either things get done MY way, or whoever's tagging along can just get left behind.

I realized long ago that, in "friendships", I hold people to much higher expectations and standards than I myself expect to be held to...it is what it is. Should I work on that?...whatever!

Diamonds Are Forever.

;-)

Embracing Your Inner Sexpot

*Listening To*
Get Naked ( I Got A Plan) by. Britney Spears

So, I guess I took a page out of Samantha Jones' book, and had an impromptu Afternoon Delight the other day....with a guy I've only known for all of two hours. He's a classmate of mine, he's a hottie, and, he's extremely in the closet.

Anyway, we talked after class, hung out for a little bit, and then...we ended up at my house! This kind of thing NEVER happens to me. In fact, I consider myself to be quite the prude. But, Classmate is oh-so smooth with his personality, and, all-of-a-sudden we were messing around in my bed.

By "messing around", I mean we just made-out, had a little 69 action, and masturbated together. It was...interesting, to say the least.

I wouldn't have anything romantic to do with him, and, don't get me wrong, he's a nice attractive guy, but, he has this whole "on tha low" mentality which I cant be bothered with. I need to be with someone who's NOT afraid to go on a date in public, walk in the park, and all the other things that happy gay couples do together without giving a fuck, because its 2008...dammit!

I can't date a guy who feels the need to say: "This stays between us, right?" I mean, what the fuck? Who the hell are YOU?...Usher? I can't be bothered with such fuckery.

Anyhow, I left this experience feeling a kind of liberation at the fact that I even had the "professionally" or confidence to conduct a sexual liaison without there being feelings attached. I used to feel some kind of way about people who did "hook-up's" or "jump-off's". But, now, my outlook has shifted. There's nothing wrong with two grown consenting adults having a little SAFE "fun" together.

Which leads me to my point. I think its quite healthy for everyone, men and women, to every now and then, release and embrace that inner sex-kitten or sex-pot or slut or whatever you feel comfortable calling it, in a SAFE manner. Even those in relationships can practice this with their partner. I guess, for the couples, it would be the equivalent of pulling out that Freakum Dress or pulling that Freakum Card for their lover.

All of that being said, embracing or exploring this other side of one's self doesn't always have to involve anything sexual. Its different for everyone. For some, it could mean being somewhat of a Flirt or throwing all of one's rules out of the window and getting so-n-so's number. For others, it could mean installing a pole in the bedroom and surprising that special someone with the VIP Room treatment.

To each, his own...

;-)

6-3-2008

I haven't written anything in a while. For the past couple weeks, I've been so busy with moving into this new place and running here-&-there to get this-&-that...and still working at night.

I LOVE this new area! Its metropolitan, multicultural, and, there's Take-Out places and date spots galore!! I'm staying in this borough forever...the next best area would be the Loop or downtown.

Anyway, Shorty, the guy I had that great date with, almost a month ago, isn't on my radar anymore...we weren't meant to work. He's a GREAT guy, but...We hadn't even gone on a second date yet, and he was ALREADY making more apologies, for plains that fell through, then I could count. It is what it is.

Its like the saying goes: "When one door closes, another door opens."

;-)

Where The Hell Am I?

***Listening To***
Just Fine by. Mary J. Blige

It feels like, a few months ago, I just went to sleep one night and woke up in some alternate world. Like when Catwoman took her little trip the the Hell Planet...The world is the same, but with subtle differences in MY life. (I'm such a Comic geek!)

I say this because, for some time now, everything has been going extremely smoothly and NORMAL in my life...Suspiciously smooth. Which hasn't been the case in quite a while.

School has been going really well...I don't owe them any money now...I've been able to register for both Summer and Fall classes ALREADY...I'm moving off campus to avoid those outrageous housing fees.

Everything with my first apartment is going great so far...I'm really looking forward to having my own place.

And, as far as I can see, things are going to smooth in the foreseeable future also.

And, as self-sufficient as I am, a part of wants to say that the only thing missing is...a good man.

All of that being said, subconsciously, I'm waiting for that proverbial Other Shoe to drop.

But, I'm not stupid, so I'm going to enjoy the Wins where I can get them...for as long as they last.

;-)

Huh...Interesting.

So, today I finally got the KEY to my new apartment...YAY! I don't actually "move in" for a couple weeks, but, this gives the the opportunity to buy things from Whatever Store and take them straight to the new place. Instead of lugging everything to the dorm and then from the dorm to the apartment.

Interesting development:

I found out that a guy I talked to for a hot second, back in March, is actually living in my new building. How do I know this? Because we crossed paths today...in the building's lobby!

Since we only hung out ONCE, I'm assuming he doesn't remember who I am....which is fine and dandy.

Why did we only hang out ONCE? Because of his damn attitude! He's sexy as fuck, but, that damn attitude that he likes to don is NOT cute...He actually has some "Candy Girl" ways about him (thanks for the term, Derrick)....Which I'm not into.

(Would've been nice if he'd waited a few dates BEFORE he showed me his "other" side. LOL!)

So, here's the rundown on what happened with WCG (Wannabe Candy Girl)...We met online. We talked on the phone and had a nice chemistry. We set up a little date-hangout thing. We were hanging out at his temporary place, and having a nice little time, until...He threw a damn TANTRUM! Well, not really a "tantrum" parse. More like a fucking Bitch-Fit. Why? Because his cable reception was acting up, and he couldn't watch the stupid Making The Band finale and see his precious Danity Kane perform.

Me, being the cool-headed guy that I am, mearly suggested that he could watch it online the next day or catch the 20 repeats on MTV. After that, he THREW ME OUT! What a terrible hostess!

So, on my way home, via txt, he tells me he's "sorry". And, I let him have it...I was pissed! I did a little "future math" and figured that his Bitch-Fit was only a taste of what to expect if I were to ever become involved with this guy. And, I'm too laid-back and cute to be always dealing with someone who has Drama DeJour. So, I left his ass alone, chalked it up as experience, and moved on.

If we cross paths again (which I'm sure we will)? I'll keep it cute and professional.

Anyhow, living situation aside, last weekend I went out on my first REAL date with a really great guy. It was romantic, there was chemistry, there was some PDA, and, it was just a great time.

;-)

Between Year 21 & Year 22, I've Come Closer To Becoming My Authentic Self

*Listening To*
"Part Of Me" by. En Vouge
"Mobile" by. Avril Lavigne
"Purple Rain" by. Prince

So, one month from this date...On May 29th...I officially turn 22.

I say "officially" because I consider myself to be older, ever year at New Years, when the clock hits midnight. I don't really do anything different on my Birthday...its just another day. I mean, after my mom died, the day just lost all its "pzazz". Considering she was ALWAYS the one who made such a big deal out of the day.

And, I'm always alone on my birthday...even before I ran away from Cleveland, after high school, and moved to Chicago. And, now, there's absolutely NO ONE around to make anything of it.

There's just no reason to celebrate...So, I just forget about it like its any other day.

Anyhow, I was at work, one night last week, just thinking. And, then it hit me...I'm more outspoken then I used to be! I'm not all shy about opening my damn mouth about a lot of things anymore. I'm not afraid to look people square in the eyes and tell them what I think. I'm becoming more and more "comfortable" and confident with...ME! Does that even make sense?

Don't get me wrong, I'm still the same ole quiet Me...A man of few words. THAT is one of the things that will NEVER change...Its one of the things that make me...ME!

That being said, I'm definitely NOT as passive (let shit slide, lay down and take whatever) as I used to be.

I guess its called...Growing?

;-)

A Lost Connection & A New Plain

Playing: "Migrate (featuring T-Pain)" By. Mariah Carey

Ugh! My damn Internet connection was out ALL damn weekend...I came home from work Friday-night-Saturday-morning ready to relax with my snack and watch an episode of "Lost" online, when, to my chagrin, the damn Internet was off in the whole damn building. Meaning that I couldn't post anything all weekend.

Luckily, the weekend wasn't a complete lost.

Just a few things:

I went out Saturday night and had a nice time.

I've started looking for an apartment online, and found a place for $500 a month utilities included in the rent....Hopefully, I won't have to go all "Ty Posington" and a dump into a palace...Granted, I haven't SEEN it yet. But, that being said, I hope to in my new place on my birthday (May 29th).

Since my class is canceled, this coming Friday, I've decided to go on another job interview...At a new bar downtown.

I've decided that, since I want to take the exam for the Police Department later this summer, I'm going to try to a summer course that'll help me with it.

;-)

The Two That Got Away...More Like The Two I Pushed Away

Lately, I've been thinking about just how internally fucked-up I am. How I have NO friends to pick me up when I'm "down" or to just talk to. And, for a while now, I've also been thinking about the two best friends of mine that I pushed out of my life 2-years ago. It wasn't because they were a negative influence-in fact, they were quite the opposite. Bottom line, I forced them out of my life to protect, not only them, but, myself as well.

Back Story: "Jay" and I meet online during the Summer before my freshmen year. We chatted for a while, started talking on the phone, and instantly became friends. He lives, and goes to school, down south. But, he's from Chicago, still has family here, and visits from time to time. "P" is "Jay's" best friend, who actually still lives in Chicago, but, goes to school in down-state IL. "P" and I got introduced to each other through "Jay" and became instant friends also. And, since we were close in closer proximity, we were able to hangout.

Here's how it went:

-Our friendship progressed, "J" and "P" wanted to become closer then I
allow ANYONE to be to me (which, for normal people, isn't a big deal).

-I started to become attached to them...Which is a HUGE no no, for me.

-"J" got angry at me for not trusting them enough to take-down my "wall".

-I got angry at him for not understanding that I am who I am.

-We stopped talking. I then got angry with "P" for siding with "J", and stopped
talking to his incredibly nice ass also.

And, their it was...My way out of committing to them and opening myself up. Funny thing is, I was also angry at and jealous of "J" because, at the time, he was in a sickeningly happy relationship with his boyfriend. And, at the time, I was in the same man-less place that I'm in now. And, deep down, I'm a selfish bastard who thinks that if I can't be happy, I don't want anyone else to be.

Anyway, I stopped talking to my ex best friends until I quit missing them. Besides, after a certain period of time went by, I figured it was too late to fix things. And, I was sure that we had all moved on with our lives.

I've grown a lot since then. And, I've always wondering how they were doing.

All of that being said, since I can't leave well enough alone, I hit them up on Facebook a couple months ago. "P" added me as a "friend", but wont return my emails. "J", on the other hand, didn't give me anything back.

I guess some things are just meant to stay broken...Friendships, People
(Myself), etc.

;-)

Shame On Me...For Not "Trying" At My Full Potential?

So, when people ask me about my grades and how I'm doing in school, EVERYONE, for some reason, is shocked by how average I do (Ugh! That grammer did not sound cute). People are always assuming that, since I'm quite and keep to myself, that I MUST be sooo smart....From their lips to my ears.

Maybe I don't see what everyone else seems to see yet? Not too long ago, I used to be very Hermione-ish. I used to make sure that I was on top of everything before I actually had to be. I would start on papers the first week on class...when they were actually due much later on. I used to lay in bed with my overpriced text books and read/hi-lite the info we might go over in class.

But, all of that being said, at that time, I was a job-less full-time student with nothing else on my radar. I realized that being a student didn't pay the bills or buy me new cloths or help me with a lot of the things that I wanted to do. In other words, I realized that it was time for my grown ass to get a damn J-O-B and start making money, so that I could have financial freedom and stability.

The thing is, now that I'm working and making other plains, my focus is split, and my priorities have shifted...due to my situation of being an ADULT who NEEDS to make a steady income to SURVIVE. I mean, fuck!...I don't have parents who send me cash, or receive financial-aid like everyone else. And, come on, I work all night til 4am 5-days a week! I'm tired a lot!

Anyway, somewhere down the road, I stopped applying myself...and, I think that should change before I get into a pattern of doing this with everything else. Yeah, my work sitch is going to stay the same, and hopefully I'll have second job soon. But, maybe I should start going at my full potential? What if my full potential isn't enough for a lot of things that I want to do with my life?

Ugh! Whatever! I'll at least give it a try...I guess it cant hurt.

;-)

Excuses Are For Lazy People...And I've Been Making A Few Of Them Lately.

***Listening To***
"Push It" By. Garbage

"I'm too tired." "I don't have time." "I'm at work all night." "Ugh!...I'll do it later/tomorrow." "The weekend is ONLY two days...I need to rest!"

Yes! These are a few of the excuses that I tell myself when it comes to school work, writing my comic, going to the gym, revising my resume, looking for a bartending gig, and a couple other things.

Here's a cute little example: Three or so weeks ago, I got in from work Friday-night-Saturday-morning (4am friday nite), did my laundry, said I'd put my cloths up later on, and went to bed at 7-8am. A couple weeks later?...I'm picking my socks and underwear out of the blue laundry-bag
I put them in, after they dried. LMAO!!! And, now, that bag is about to be empty! Its a lazy mess!

That being said, for the past week I've been on this "kick" of getting off my ass and getting things done. Hell, yesterday (Thurs) I got off my ass and decided to get back into the habit of working out. This weekend, I'm going to shine-up my resume and start writing SOMETHING for my novel/comic.

By the way, I realized that the whole "I don't have time" shtick is a little bit of bullshit, depending on the situation. If something is really important and a priority, one has to MAKE time for it.

;-)

Living vs. Exsiting

As I've said before, I don't really consider myself to be "fun" or interesting. I'm a boring guy, with stupid/boring interests, who has nothing to bring to the table in a relationship, and who's passionate about nothing. Come on, lets face it, NOBODY wants to be in a sex-less relationship with a boring person...Its just a fact. I need to live in the reality that, if I find myself involved with someone (which I doubt will EVER happen.), it'll be over before it starts...Assuming I'm honest and upfront from the beginning.

Anyway, I was thinking...I'm not exactly "living". I'm more like existing. I guess it comes from the way I dealt with my mother's death and growing up fast, when I was younger. I spent my teen years just going to school and coming home and not really doing the whole "social" thing, that most kids my age were doing. Senior year came around, and work was added to the mix. One of the reasons why I left home, after high school, was so that I could be on my own and live my own life, without being bothered with my family. In other words, I wanted to be free to live my own life, on my terms...And, I am.

I guess, what I'm wondering is...Now that I'm an adult, how do I become someone who enjoys life, instead of just existing in it?

;-)