Monday, December 31, 2007
Well, I guess this entry might be a little over due, seeing that I have ALWAYS wanted/needed to get this particular "issue" off my chest and out of my mind. And, since a new year is on its way, I want to start letting go of my "baggage"...So to speak. There was a moment in my life, in my childhood, that changed me forever and shaped who I've become today. No matter how deep I try to bury it, its still there...10 years later. It's the main reason why I have my "issues"...The main reason why I can't really get close to ANYONE, or trust ANYONE, or love ANYONE, or even want to be loved by ANYONE. Its why I've never dated ANYONE, and partly why I avoid my family now that I'm an adult.
Until Augest 15th 1997, I grew up with my single mother, in our nice lil' apartment. By the time I was 11, I was already used to being a "latch-key" kid, since we lived in the city and I was madd smart, responsible, and well behaved for my age. We had a nice little family...Me, Mom, Nana, Grandpops and my Aunt. Yeah, I was close to the rest of my familly, but my mom and I were madd tight...Kind of like having a friend and mom all in one person. I was such a "Mama's" boy. I remember the GREAT holidays we had, the food that ONLY she could cook right, and me saying "God is love, and goodnight" almost every night before I went to bed. And, she was always into style...Huh! Guess thats where I get it from, LOL.
Anyway, that all came to an end, on the 15th. The day before Aug 14th, was like any other hot summer day...As i remember. I had just got done with my lil' City Summer Camp gig, and was on chill until school started in September. Mom did laundry that day (I remember because their was fresh laundry on her bed when the cops came the next morning). That night, she made dinner for me, and everything was the "usual" (I think). Later that evening, she went out (I think with friends or something), and while I was laying in my bed, watching the 11 o'clock news, and the phone rang. The caller-ID said "payphone" or something, I picked it up, and it was Mom. My memory's a little fuzzy, but, the convo went like this:
Mom: "M*&$. I'm stopping at the store, you want anything?"
Me: (Forgot what I asked for)
Mom: "Ok. I'm on my way home, ok?"
Little did i know, thats the last time I'd hear my mom's voice or have a conversation with her. After that, I put this yay-high flat steele thingy up against the apartment door (it was our stupid lil' security system...eventhough we had a big-ass steele door with deadbolt locks ), so that I'd hear her come in, and took my little ass to bed.
I woke up hearing that metal thing hit the floor, figured mom was home, and turned back over. But, then I heard a walkee-talkee, and people talking. Someone yelled "HELLO!?!", and I got out of bed, noticed that it was the morning, peeked out my bedroom door, and saw two police officers standing in the living room. They saw me, and one of them said "Hi.". I think they asked me to get dressed and come with them. I got dressed (heart beating out my chest), grabbed my House Key, and went into the living room with the cops. I asked where my mother was, and they didnt tell me anything. I went with them to the leasing office for our apartment buliding, and just waited. I think I played Solitare on the computer or something. I just knew something was wrong...I just figured that mom was in the hospital or something, I'd see her, and we'd be back home in a little bit.
I don't know how, but, the police got my Grandmother's work number, and called her (I think I gave them her home number). And apparently she got a hold of my Grandpa, because, a little later, they came to pick me up. I saw the worried looks on their faces, but, they didn't tell me anything. They took me to my Grandpa's house, and left me there with someone to watch me, so they could go to the Hospital. I sat at Grandpa's house, for what seemed like hours, my head spinning, wondering what the hell could have happened, bored, tired, and scared. But, for some reason, I just assumed that my Mom was alright (deep down, something just felt really "off" in my reality)...But, at the same time, I was afraid of seeing her in a hospital bed. I guess, when your a kid, you assume that the people you love are just...Invincible.
Anyway, my grandparents come back, and they "looks" on their faces (They just had to ID the body of their oldest daughter). Nana was holding back sobs and Grandpa had really wet red eyes. They sat down, and Grandpa told me that my mother was in an accident...and that she died.
It felt I had gotten kicked in the stomach and was falling out of a window at the same time. I was confused, scared, broken, and still trying to figure out what was happening. All the while, crying my eyes out, heaving, face hurting, and wishing I could just wake up. The emotion just wouldn't STOP! On the car ride to my grandmother's house (my new home), I couldn't stop crying and heaving in the backseat. Even when we got to her house, and to the "guest" room (my new bedroom), I couldn't stop. Night came, and all I could think about was my mom...And, I got to the point where I just ran out of tears. I don't remember when it was, but my grandma told what happened:
My mom at the corner store, that night, putting bags into the the backseat of her car on the passenger side, when some dude that was high/drunk was speeding away from the police, when he hit a pole and then crashed into my mom's parked car on the driver's side, while she was puting her bags in the backseat...Which slamed the side the car where she was into the store's wall. Dude that was driving died at the "scene". I forgot what happened to the friend that was riding with him. But, my mom was alive when the paramedics got to her, and took her to the ER...But, they couldn't save her!!
The police/court called it a "Feak Accident" and "Vehicular Homicide".
Going back to my old home, to pick up my stuff and pack up my life, brought more tears...And, so did the funeral. Then, my tears turned to anger and strength. Somewhere down the road, after everything wasn't so "fresh", I decided that I couldn't love ANYONE ever again...Because, "love" equals pain and lose. And, if I don't "love" or get "close"to anyone...It can't hurt when they leave or die. Which is why I distanced myself from my remaining family when I was growing up, moved a few states away after high school, and barely speak to them...I care about them. I just don't have it in me to deal with loosing/burying someone else that I'm related to. And, on some level, while growing up, I was waiting for mom to swing by Grandma's house and take me back home...Like, when she'd drop me off to get "babysat". After I realized that fantasy wasn't happening, I decided to just erase her altogether from my memory.
Deep down, A part of me hates my mom and myself. SHE left ME!! SHE was grown, and made a choice to go out that night!...Instead of staying home! Then again, I'm mainly to blame...If I wasn't BORN, she'd still be alive! If I wasn't BORN, she would not have moved into that two-bedroom apartment and been in that area! Why didn't she ABORT my ass!! Sometimes, when things go wrong, I think its because I'm not really not supposed to be around in the first place. A part of me knows that I don't deserve to be "happy"...And, a part of me doesn't want to be. I was "happy", over 10 years ago, then I got kicked in the fucking teeth and had the ground ripped from underneath me!!! God or whatever literally put-the-screws to me!!
I guess I have "Survivor's Guilt" or something.
Sometimes, I wonder "What if?". What if mom was still alive?...Whould I be a totally different person?...Whould I have moved away?...Whould we still be close?
I'm hoping that I can just get over all of this someday, and be normal like everyone else. But, I've spent most of my life being "shattered", and I doubt that Super Glue can even fix it.
Friday, December 28, 2007
Well, tommorow, or later today, I start my first day of Bartending
School...YAY!! Usually, I'd kinda have a problem with having to get
up/out sooo early in the day...Seeing that I get off work at 3am, home
at 4:30-ish, and hit the sheets between 5 & 6am (sometimes depending on
how horny I might be, LOL.). By the way, I'm on the bus right now, on my
Ugh! The class starts at 1pm...So, I'm gonna have to get up at like
10am, just because I want to get there early (its downtown...a 20-30min
train ride...which I never really mind.). But, in my eyes, its worh not
getting as many hours of sleep in the next few weeks. Besides, I'm on
Winter Break (which is when I wanted to go through my training), and I
can rest on the weekends. And, you know what they say: "You don't grind,
you don't shine."
Most importantly, I'm madd excited. I've always been an adventurer at
heart, and a "Jack-of-all-trades". And, I've been dying for an adventure
for the longest, LOL!!...Along with the chance to learn a new skill!
Wish me luck!...
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
So, there's this guy, at my job, that a have a madd crush on (given my
luck, I wouldn't be surprized if he turned out to be an uber friendly,
somewhat flirtatious str8 guy). It all started over the Summer (I think
that's when he started working there), when I first saw his cute ass
(OMG!! My man has the prettyest eyes!). He works the shift before me, in
the warehouse, and we're always passing each other (he's getting off
work, I'm coming in). If I remember right, we started with that whole
eye-contact-always-noticing-each-other "thing" (isn't that some kind of
homo "code", or something?). Then, we escalated to nodding at each other
(recently), and exchanging "whuddup's".
By the way, I don't know his name...Yet!
Anyway, somewhere down the road, I started noticing little "changes" in
our interactions as we saw more of each other. He was grinning now, when
we saw each other and exchanged "hey's & whuddup's"...And, so was
I...And, we still do (is that subtle firting?). Then, I noticed how,
sometimes, he'd kind of go out of his way to acknowledge me...For
example, one nite, I was coming into work and was about to walk past
where he was...And he had this big heavy-ass box in his arms (he was
straining with that bitch, LOL), and he turned around with the bigest
britest SMILE on his face and said "Wassup!" (Like he was happy to see
Sometimes, hell, most of the time, when I see him, it "makes" my nights
before I even clock-in (I know, its stupid..Right?)! Seeing how slow
things were moving for us, I decided to try something. One night, when
we walked past each other, I touched his arm when I said
"whuddup!"...And now, we "dap" when we see each other...Along with the
grins and such. Hell, even when we're not near each other, he
waves/acknoledges me...Grin in tact.
But, ugh, if things keep going at this pace, we should be together in
about 10 years (LOL!)!! I trying to figure out how to start a
conversarion with his cute ass, find out his damn name, and exchange
numbers...How-the-hell-else is he going to become my Boyfriend-Boyfriend
instead just being my Work-Boyfriend (Hell, in my head, this dude is
ALREADY my damn Man! LOL!)??
LMAO!! Tonight, on my bus ride to work, I wrote a lil' note that I might
give to him soon...It says:
Hit me up.
Ugh!! Why does being attracted, to men, have to be so fucking hard!?! And, what am I gonna about ole boy!?!? Ugh!!!!! I need to stop developing "crushes"!
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
I was at the subway/bus terminal (at 4am), waiting for my bus with everyone else, listening to my iPod, when I noticed this madd cute nigga glancing at me. Then, he gives me the "wassup" nod. And, I gave it back....Then, we kept glancing at each other. After that, he walked out to where the buses park/wait. I saw my bus, and plained on geting it, but I walked towards "Dennis" instead (hey, I wanted to get his damn number...Okay!).
I walked up to "Dennis", and we exchanged "whuddups", names, and what-not...Then, he gave me some story about how he got locked outta his house and now he was on his way back home cuz somebody was there to let him in now...Yada yada yada. He then asked if I was trying to get into "something". I told him: "Naw, I'm bout 2 go home...I'm madd tired". Then, he wanted to know if he could come to my crib and "kick it"...NOW!!
I laughed, and told him: "Naw!...I dont even know you all-like-that." (it didnt help that he pointed out that my dick was madd hard, while I was being all serious with him) He then want on about how he's a "real good dude" and that I could even pat-him-down to make sure he didnt have anything on him. I said: "Yea, you seem like a good dude." He came back with (while grining and licking his sexy-ass lips): "Yea, you aint seen nothin' yet."
I laughed again, and asked if he had a phone so he could hit me up sometime. He told me it was turned off right now! Anyway, I wrote down my number on an envelope he had in his pocket, and told him to call whenever (Shut up! I was curious!). We then walked to another bus stop, where it wouldn't be sooo many people around (I was ready to hurt dude, if he wanted to pull some greasy-ass-shyt). During our convo, I told him: "Yo! I dont do shyt like that ( random jump-off's)..."You do this all the time, dont you." He said: "Nope! I just saw you, and thought you was cute, and liked you."
He then want on, AGAIN, about how he was a "good dude" and that I could pat-him-down...And, I did...Twice!!!! It felt sooooo fucking good to touch and feel-up-on this cute ass nigga (Hey!! I haven't touched a damn man in YEARS!...Dammit, can you blame me for wanting to have a lil' fun?)!!
Anyway, we talked a little more, and then the second bus was coming...He asked: "So, we cant kick it?" I said: "Not now, call me." He then gave me the "So, its like that?" shyt. I just told him to hit me up, got on my bus, and watched him walk back to get his train...And, I thought "Why can't the "right" one's be that bold...DAMMIT!!"
Bottom Line: "Dennis" is/was...
1. Either slow...Or high? Maybe a combo of both?
3. Cell's turned off.
5. Working on getting his...GED!?!?
6. A smoker.
7. Most likely a user.
Ugh!! You really cant judge a book by its handsome cover!
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
It's one of those nights again...I'm on the bus, on my way home from
work, at 3am. Something has been on my mind for a while now. But,
recently, since I've let my imagination wonder more from time-to-time,
its really hit me that I've strayed from what I used to be interested
in, when I was younger.
I guess what brought me to this, is the lil' "story" or "comic" that
I've had swimming around in my head for the longest. I'm ALWAYS thinking
about it, thinking-up storylines, ploting "cameo's" from other fictional
characters, directions, etc. Now, I can't draw my ass out of a damn
paper-bag...But, that's what pencilers & artists & inkers are for, LOL.
And, for some reason, when I was a teen, I kind of thought I might end
up being a writer (/journalist) when I was older.
Now, like eveyone else, I too want through "phases" while growing up
(and still do). But, while most of those were fleeting, I realized that
others were just plain-out interest or hobbies that I had developed
(does that make ANY sense?). For example, I used to take everthing and
anything apart, when I was a kid, just to see how they "worked" or what
they're insides looked like....And, when I didn't have scew drivers
around, I'd just use a butter knife to try and pry whatever it was
apart (LOL! That must've been nice for my family!).
And, when I say "everthing & anything", I mean everything from
electronics (walk-man's, radio's, etc) to Happy Meal toys, LOL. Anyway,
let me hop off this damn tanget.
The thing is, when I got older and grew up and had responsibilities, I
also grew out of most of the thing that used to interest me...Or
unknowingly replaced them with new one's? I think this sort of thing
happens to all us, when we grow...We "shed" things, that maybe brought
us joy, from our pasts, and move on to being grown folks. I've never
really thought aboult it before.
Anyway, I think I'm going to try writing again...Just to see how it
goes. I'm deffinatly not going to be entering any "contests" anytime
soon or submiting anything to Marvel or DC or Darkhorse or any
publishing companies (LMAO). But, I'm gonna give it a go, and see how I
Thursday, December 6, 2007
2. "What You Waiting For" by. Gwen Stefani
Well, its been a while, but I'm back, LOL. This is actually coming from
my Sidekick...I figured out how the whole "email" blog works. I'm on my
way home from work, on the bus, and figured "Hey! Why don't I try this
out?" Anyway, I've just been madd busy with FINALS at school, and work
as usual. Ok! I'm ranting, LOL...on with what I was thinking about.
Today, I realized something. That if you (or I) really want something,
be it success, attention, oppertunities, that "special" someone, etc
etc, you sometimes have to be willing to do WHATEVER it takes to get
it...or, get desperate, and pull a page out of "Wilhelmina Slater's
Guide to Power" (til the old guy you tried to marry, for his
money/publishing empire, dies before you can marry him...and then your
scewed). Yeah, I like "Ugly Betty"...But, I LOVE and LIVE for Vinessa
William's character, Wilhelmina. She's soooo over-the-top and
outrageous, but, most of the time, she has a valid point.
I came to my tiny realization while I was in class, a few days ago. Their might
have been a lil' situation, where our Prof left out of class for a nice
period of time...and, I might have cheated with EVERONE else on our
Usually I'm mentally patting myself on the back, for NOT being like
eveyone else, NOT being a follower while also not being the lead, and
doing my own "thing"...Basically, NOT drinking the rat-poison laced
"Kool-Aid", along with mostly everyone else. Surprisingly, there's more
"straglers" or fellow "renigades" than I thought....What a shock!
Anyway, I felt a tiny-bit guilty at first (it was more like the shock of
the gift I was being given, LOL). But at that very moment, my "inner"
Wilhelmina kicked through the door, and said: "Awww screw it! Ya gotta
do what ya gotta do, to get by!....It is what it is!". So I did what HAD
to be done. And I came to the conclusion that everyone must have this "voice" or "instinct" inside of them...Even the nicest of people. Hell, its SURVIVAL!
I've sort of decided to segway this little realization into a lil' theme I'm thinking about taking-up, for now and the new year coming up. It's about taking chances and opportunities...And, going "balls-to-the-wall", so to speak....Basically, trying NOT to pass up good opportunities, just because I'm afraid of the outcome or being in a new situation.
Friday, November 23, 2007
A Few Things About Me:
- I'm 21.
- In school.
- I've never "dated" or done a "relationship".
- I've been celibate for almost 2yrs.
- In the few time's that I've "experiemented" with sex, in the past, I didn't "enjoy" it.
I'm hoping this is not going to be one of those "ramble-a-thons", that go on in my head, whenever think about this "issue" of mine or whenever I'm attracted to a guy, LOL.
I'm gonna pull a Hiro Nakamura, and go back about 11-12 years, to where the "root" of this "issue" of mine started. My memory is madd fuzzy when it comes to my childhood...You know how things just blend together, as we get older and experience more. So, bare with me here.
I was either 9 or 10 when one of my aunts(grandma's lil' sis) come into the picture. I think my grandma & her sister had lost touch with each other, and, at this point, reconnected after Grand took a trip to DC to visit. Anyway, this aunt decided to move to our city, to be closer to her newly rediscovered family. I somewhat remember her. But, from what my mom & fam have told me, she was pretty much a free spirit and artistic...I partly remember that too. Anyway, after she moved to where we were, my mom told me that my new aunt had something called Full-Blown AIDS.
Since I was a shorty at the time, I didnt really "know" exactly what AIDS was, or what it really had to do with my fun new aunt...I remember that she was really skinny and had a deep-dark complexion. I just assumed that that was just how she always was...Ya know?
Now, that I think about it, this is also where my hate/fear of Hospitals began...But, I'll get to that another time.
Anyway, I remember my mom driving her to the doctor a lot. I dont know exactly how long my aunt was with us...A year maybe less. But, all-of-a-sudden, during the winter (I remember their was snow), my aunt got sick and had to go to the Hospital for pneumonia. I thought she had a bad flu, and she'd be outta there when she got better. But, little did I know, that we would have to visit her almost everyday, and see her get worst...Basically watching her die!
I remember going to visit, with my mom, and smelling that HORRIBLE smell that Hospitals have...Ugh! That whole "sterile" smell! And, I think we had to go to the Hospice or AIDS Wing of the Hospital...I dunno! But, it was terrible...Watching someone that you love, who JUST came into your life, slowly slip away...And there's nothing to do to stop it from happening...No matter how many cards, how many flowers, and how prayers...It wasnt enough to make her magically better, like I hoped it would.
I dunno how long it was, that she was in the hospital...Two weeks maybe less? But, I know my mom came to me and told me that Aunte Pat had died. I dont really remember how I handled that, at 9 or 10, but I didnt know what the Hell to think...Someone that a cared deeply for was here, got the flu (I thought), and was supposed to magically get better...And now I'm hearing that she's just...GONE!
I guess we all really do deal things in our own different way. After my aunts death, my mom went to classes, seminars, programs, or whatever to educate herself about HIV/AIDS...She even got a "certificate" or some kinda paper for HIV/AIDS awareness. Me, on the other hand, found-out that AIDS came from having sex...I didnt know what "sex" really was at that time, but, I told myself that "I'm NEVER having sex!"...All I could think about was how sick my aunt got and how she died. When I got a lil' older, I learned about safe-sex and stds...But, I was still scared & stayed a virgin until I got outta High School.
When I was a teenager, I found-out how my aunt contracted AIDS...When she lived in DC, she was attacked and raped. The attacker had AIDS and gave it to her! That was only one of the moments that I started losing faith in society...Yea, I'm a really cynical nigga.
At around 18-19 I realized I was all Homo, LOL....It's stupid now, but, when I was in high school, I just thought I was going through a "phase". Anyway, after all that, my fear got a lil' worst. I'm not at all "religious", but, in the back of my head, I thought that no matter how safe I was, Fate or the Universe or Whatever would "punish" me, for some reason...And I'd end-up in the same situation that my aunt was in: Fine...Sick...Laying in a hospital...Slowly slipping away...Then GONE!
In the few sexual experiences I've allowed myself to have, with dudes, that has ALWAYS been in the back of my mind...Guess thats why I ever "enjoyed" actually having sex. And, now I'm permanately(I think) celibate...Going on 2yrs. Cuz, let's face it...There aint no nigga out their who wants to be in a relationship with someone who's afraid to fuck or make-love or whatever.
A part of me just wants to "get over" myself and through caution to the wind...And really LIVE. But, the other part cant.
I'm Just Screwed!
Sunday, November 18, 2007
Well, before I hopped into the shower, I was fresh off of having a VERY heavy phone convo with a friend of mine (lets call him Kev)...In which he told me that he didnt want to be refered to as just one of my buddies. And, I can understand where he's coming from...Seeing that, in the short time that we have known each other, we've become madd close intellectually & emotionally over the phone, since he's a couple states & a few hours away...I know, its a lil wierd!
We met on myspace, (I know!) , almost a year ago. I think I came across a poem in one of his blogs, liked it, and made a comment on it...And it didn't hurt that he was madd cute at the same time, LOL. So, after emailing on myspace back-&-forth, we started chating on yahoo. And, thats actually when I realized that he wasn't just a Hottie on the outside...Ole boi was smart, funny, & had a soul that just madd deep...The kinda guy I always thought I wanted.
After a few months of chatting, he was one of the first people I gave my number to when I got my new baby (my Sidekick3)...The first time we actually talked we just want on for hours...til about 7am (saturday nite-sunday morn.). That sort of became our lil "thing", since we both kept VERY different hours during the week (he worked all day...I'm in school all day & at work all nite til 3am)...And still kinda is. But, after a while, I just grew outta that lil "crush" I had on Kev the more we got to know each other...And then, in my head, he just became a good friend.
Fast Foward to when he starts opening his heart to me, and telling me that he's not exactly "over" the lil crush we had on each other...He knows that we're just friends, but he has one problem: I wont open-up to him like he does with me.
My first thought: "THIS is why I never dated much less got into a "relationship" with a nigga!" "I dont do "domestic" shyt!"
Actually, I dont & cant get close to or love ANYONE anymore...Tried that shyt in the past, and it always ends with LOSS and PAIN. And so, he restarted this whole convo between us a couple hours ago. I told him "Yo, I cant just change who I am." After a few more words, we got back to our "usual convo and said goodnite.
I took my shower, put on my Shea Butter, and now I'm sitting here at 6am listening to Madonna's Erotica Album...With some milk n cookies, LOL.
And it hits me like a truck: This is the lil' "dance" that Kev and I are going to keep doing for our whole friendship/relationship! Eventhough I care deeply for him, I'm going to keep hurting his feelings because I cant let him be for me what I've been for him...A shoulder, someone to trust, and someone who's "there" no matter what...A rock. But, I am who I am...and I pride myself on being stong and independant...Being a Man of Steele. He knows that, and is just gonna have to realize that it is what it is...And, hopefully be happy with what we already have.
When I hear/play the song above (Bad Girl by. Madonna), it makes me think about myself...And how I always end up hurting the one's I care about the most...Family, friends, whoever. Yea...I'm really that screwed.
DAMN!! Its 7am and the sun's up...Lemme take my ass to BED!! LMAO!!
Saturday, November 17, 2007
SideNote: I'm trying this whole "thing" out to see how much I like it...So I'm still goning to be "tweaking" things as I go along. I owe a good chunk of my inspiration to the other blogs that I've started to read (check "My Fav Places" link). I was first gonna try this on Myspace...Then I thought "Ugh...Seriously?!?" So, now I'm on here...Wish me luck!
As most of you already know, I'm RocaFella07 or just plain Roc. I'm also 21, a Scorpio, likes long walks on the beach, sunrises, and puppies...LMFAO!! Naw, I'm mos def not a Scorpio, and if I go walking on a beach here, in Chicago, I'll most likely get a broken bottle stuck in my foot...Seriously!! But, I do love looking over the skyline of the city and walking through Millennium Park (Damn!! that place was BEAUTIFUL over the summer.) http://www.millenniumpark.org/.
So yea, I'm Single in the City...Permanatly, I think. And, since I'm a lil bit of a comic-geek, most of the time I refer to Chi-City as Metropolis...This has a few meanings behind it, one being that Clark Kent came from something small and became Superman after moving to Metropolis, LOL. I know, it's madd stupid...But it's one of my "things", LOL.
Ok, that's enough of the "me me me"...My 1st non-intro blog is coming up later. Right now I'm bout to finish watching the 300th episode of MadTV...LOL!!
Oh, and I just wanna let EVERYONE know that my blog is OPEN...Meaning that any/all comments & questions are more than welcome.
Video Of The Week: