"It's All Over but the Crying (Remix)" by. Garbage
I've always know this, deep down, but now I actually have conformation. I'm 22yrs, and I've never dated anyone, never been in a relationship, never had boyfriend, and I've never really "talked" to a guy for more than week. And, I've come to realize that things are going this way for the rest of my life...22, 32, 42, 52, etc.
How did I come to realize this? Well, I've been thinking...which is basically a coin-toss of whether or not something good might come from it. Anyway, I've been thinking, marinating with my thoughts, and thinking of questions for my "research" into my family's past...and my future.
And what does it all come back to? Genetics.
While in thought, I started to trace things and put things together and connect the dots. I wanted to know why I can't seem to even develop healthy relationships much less be involved in one. So, I started with the small family that I do have left. So, there's my Nana (67), my Grandfather (65), my Uncle (47), and my Aunt (41).
As far as I know, Nana's only been in one big relationship...with the father of her children (grandpa)...who she divorced back in the 70s. And, there's been NOBODY else since then. Grandfather has had continuous whatevers with women who use him. Uncle is in his forties, has a career in charity work, and alone. And, Aunt (the fag hag) is also in her forties, man-less, and has never had a successful relationship.
After going through everyone's situation, I started to think: What about my Mother? Granted, she died when she was 35, but she was a lot different from everyone else in our family, and remember her dating or seeing someone when I was a kid. Which leads me to one of the most awkward and weirdest conversations I've ever had to have...I was forced to call Nana and ask her about my mom's (her daughter's) romantic life.
Here's how THAT went:
Ya ya ya...Blah blah blah...
Roc: "So, did my mom ever have any successful relationships?"
Nana: "What? Did you want to know if your mother ever had sexual relations?"
Sidebar: Oh god, kill me now. I did NOT ask you THAT grandma! Granted, I had just gotten off the subway, and there was a considerable amount of background noise on my end...but still, that whole exchange was just something that should never have happened!
Roc: "No! Did my mom ever have any SUCCESSFUL relationships?!"
Nana: "Oh!...SUCCESSFUL relationships."
Roc: "yeah....like dating or long-term relationships."
Nana: "Well, I don't think she really "dated" anyone. But, she "saw"
people."
Nana: "I guess her relationship with your father was successful...right?"
Roc: "Ummm NO! Not at all!"
Sidebar: Really Nana!? You consider THAT to be a "successful" relationship!? So, I guess my mom's only "real" relationship involved having an accident-kid with a guy who cheated on her and brought needless drama into her life, until she cut ties with him? Seriously!?! This is the kind of fucked up thinking doesn't surprise me at all.
Anyway, during our conversation, I realized that its all GENETIC. One of the main reasons why I left,a few years ago, was because I didn't want to end up like the rest of my family. But, I realize, now, that I'll never be happy with anyone. I'll never be able to have anything close to a "healthy" relationship with a guy, because its not in my DNA. And, even if I ever come close to having something "serious", with someone, I'm pretty sure I'll fuck things up somehow.
I guess Shirley Manson was right...Certain things DO turn ugly, when you think too hard.
;-)
11 comments:
Shirley Mason was right but I think you have alot of life to live before you can use the word "never" when it comes to having a relationship.
Outside of genetics, relationships take work and time. You have alot of time, the hard part is the work that it takes to maintain a relationship (and frankly to many people are not willing to do that work).
All is not doom and gloom, not yet. Take a breath and remain open to the possibilities.
Just Because Your family doesn't have a history of long-term working relationships(Mines Doesn't Either!) doesn't mean you have to follow suit, You have the power to be the 1st to make that change. Ive only had one relationship and it's something I regret. I Just Think I'm not ready For The "One" yet and haven't crossed paths with that person yet. I Think dealing with the losers will make me appreciate that special person when that encounter happens. LMAO! :)
And Hell Judging by that picture I'm surprised you are single. Cuz You are DAMN FINE if I do say so myself. LMAO.!
So, I totally understand this. There are some traits that I unfortunately possess that I get from my mother. I don't like the fact that I have them - but I'm not giving them any power. I know that I've got to work hard at being the best person that Darius can be - and that means not only being aware of them and being able to clearly articulate them, but also being able to make a conscious decision not to be that person. It's hard - getting better always it. But the good thing about it is this - the more you do it, the easier it becomes.
Give it a try. There's a good fella out there for you. Don't let you past or what you think you're supposed to become hinder you from all of the great possibilities that wait for you and that have your name on them.
Go get it!
-DTW
Sure you'll have a successful relationship. It's gonna be with me. *Smile*
Ummm seriously, I don't necessarily agree with the premise that your argument hinges upon, "genetics". Granted there are certain things about ones chemical make up that will gravitate certain questionable elements to us, however, to say that because your gma, mother, aunt and uncle were alone you're destined to be alone too. I've been an avid reader of your blog for some time now and one thing that I've noticed is that you are still going thru this whole self awareness thing...trying to understand yourself. I think that's a good thing and something that we ALL go thru at some point in our lives. One thing I've learned about relationships is that they come and go. I don't long for one per say and no I'm not saying that you do. However, when it's supposed to happen, it will and if it's the right person, it will last. Keep ya head up baby boy!
~Damnit!
Ok,but what are you doing to
continue this unfortunate
legacy....manchild
not sure if it is Genetics, but if it is you can beat the odds I am sure...
You will find that special one dude. I never thought about the genetics part lol.
your sidebars are to funny lol
Do you know what I like about the present? (doesn't require you to answer, lol) Power! You are powerless over the past. Put you have power over the present to make a new patterned future. This is a chance for you to set a new trend for the treaders in your foot steps. You can change this. I understand that genetics may play a role but you ultimately have a choice whether to let that effect you!
Try focusing on why your relationships don't last. Try focussing on what you can do that can improve the quality of these relationships. Why don't you keep boys around. You have got to ask yourself these questions and find the answers to get the results you want. Take charge man!
you know? I never really even thought about relationoships like that. that is a very interesting take on relationship. I think whozhe was right though. I mean 22 is not really a good age to determine the success of your relationships in the future but genetics may play a pivotal role.. makes me want to take a look at my family tree.
wow that's a really interesting spin on relationships. i never really thought of it that way at all.. i definitely agree with whozhe in that you shouldn't really judge whether or not you'll have a successful and genuine lovelife based on what it looks like right now, but stay up pimpin..in the meantime, i'm going to be looking at my family tree to find out what is going on relationship wise in my family...
Don't give in to that mentality. I used to think like that too since I come from a similar family situation but I have had at least one successful relationship thus far...but then we broke up...maybe you should scratch the last bit after "far". Just kidding. You'll find someone just be open to the right opportunity to meet him.
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