Friday, December 12, 2008

Cautionary Tales: #1 - The Chatline Is Not A "Hot" Line

September 2005

At this time, I was nineteen years old, and one month into my freshmen year. I was new to Chicago, and didn't really know much about the city yet to know where to go on a boring Friday night. I was in my dorm, and in the midst of my boredom, while laying in bed on my laptop, I pulled out my cell phone, and decided to call the local Homo Chatline. A number which I got off of some website.

When I called, I played around a little bit, listening to the voice recordings of various guys, some "thugs", giving their stats, what they were looking for, and whatever-the-fuck else they wanted to say. You see, this is where things got kind of interesting. I came across the voice recording of a cute-SOUNDING guy, who was bored, and only seeking conversation. I sent him a message, he sent one back, and, voila, we were in our own private "room" within the Chatline.

Sidebar: For the sake of conversation, lets call this guy "Dexter"....As in poindexter....Get IN!

We talked for all of 20 minutes, before exchanging numbers. I thought this guy sounded like such a prettyboy. And, that's exactly what he "gave" me through the phone. In the midst of our lengthily conversation, we agreed to meet-up and hangout the next day. I felt, given how our connection was made, that there was a 50/50 chance that this guy could be the next Hannibal Lecter. I wasn't about to be stupid, so, I chose a nice public area for our meeting. This place was Millenium Park, in downtown Chicago.

Throughout that Saturday, we texted here-and-there just to check-in with each other. Evening came, and it was time to meet. I called him to figure out how long it would be before we should make our way downtown. Since he was fairly close to our destination, I made my way to the train heading to The Loop.

When I finally reached downtown, I stopped at 7-Eleven to pick up some gum. I mean, I can't just meet some cute guy without making sure I'm "minty fresh" first. While downtown, I called Dexter(19) to ask where he was. He was not only in the area, he was on his way to our destination. I followed suit, and was on my way to Millinum Park to meet Dexter the prettyboy.

I got to the Park, called Dexter again, and he informed me of what he was wearing. I looked around, and, alas, I spotted a guy in the outfit that Dexter described. But, the guy in front of me wasn't the "prettyboy" I imagined him to be from the phone. This guy was chubby, wore coke-bottle glasses in semi-stylish frames, was kind of nasal when he talked in person, and was just all-around unattractive to me.

I immediately went into panic mode. What to do, what to do?? I didn't want to be rude, or, an asshole, and hurt this guys feelings. So, I decided to turn a lemon into a lemon martini, and figured that I'd just befriend Dexter. Good idea, right?

Anyway, determined to be strictly platonic, I continued walking around the park, chatting with Dexter, and trying not to notice how he was staring and drooling at me. It was kind of dark out, and, I could help but let my mind wonder to the fact of how romantic this little evening stroll would've been if I were with my "Mr. Right". Dexter was tired of walking around, so we sit on a nearby bench to take in the scenery. Not five seconds later, he was "schooching" closer to me, and putting his hand on my knee. The child was trying it!

Luckily, I noticed a few rabbits running around a bush across from us. I sprang up and made a comment about what I saw. He got up too, and stood close to me. While standing, and inch from my face, Dexter asked if he could KISS me. I froze for a moment, swallowed, took a breath, and uttered " can.". And, with that, the beast known as Dexter proceeded to maul a young Rocafella in the most sloppiest manner. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love being the RIGHT guy, in the RIGHT way. I mean, the boy didn't even know how kiss. And then, he had the balls to get all touchy-feely, and groped my ass.

Post lip-lock, Dexter stood grinning from ear-to-ear. While I stood there feeling somewhat like a "pro". Yes, I half expected him to pull a Ben Franklin out of his wallet, and hand it to me. We walked around for a few more minutes before I came up with an excuse for needing to cut our time short. We exchanged "goodbye's", and I told Dexter that I would call him when I got back to my dorm....But, I didn't.

What did I learn from this experience?

  • Just because he has a cute phone-voice, doesn't always mean he's a
    cute guy.

  • The Chatline is not the "hot" line (stay turned).

  • Venues, like the Chatline, are purely for entertainment purposes.



Joey Bahamas said...

Kiiiiiiiiii!!! You know I've never tried a chat line before. There's something about having a visual that just makes me feel safer...


ShawnQt said...


PRIMO said...


You better than me that nigga would have not touched my lips oh hell no not these works of art.

yeah the cute-phone voice i learned through friends who made the same mistake back in middle school when they starting talking to girls who sounded cute on the phone and when they met said girl was manly, tall and fat.


Lesson learned!

Darius T. Williams said...

I bet this still reigns true today.

bLaQ~n~MiLD said...

Rolling . On . The . Mutha . Fukin . Floor! How could you let him kiss you? YIKES! LoL. You're better then me yo.


Q said...

Ooooh, I have been there. That is the conjure of the century!

j_shanlin said...

hahahaha!!! please call the coroner! im dead! that is sooo true! Now imagine this same story but done on like bgc or a4a or some shit where u can actually see the guy.. a shame

WhozHe said...

Good thing you hadn't planned to meet in a private location.

Anyway, I am so looking forward to reading more Cautionary Tales.