A Few Things About Me:
- I'm 21.
- In school.
- I've never "dated" or done a "relationship".
- I've been celibate for almost 2yrs.
- In the few time's that I've "experiemented" with sex, in the past, I didn't "enjoy" it.
I'm hoping this is not going to be one of those "ramble-a-thons", that go on in my head, whenever think about this "issue" of mine or whenever I'm attracted to a guy, LOL.
I'm gonna pull a Hiro Nakamura, and go back about 11-12 years, to where the "root" of this "issue" of mine started. My memory is madd fuzzy when it comes to my childhood...You know how things just blend together, as we get older and experience more. So, bare with me here.
I was either 9 or 10 when one of my aunts(grandma's lil' sis) come into the picture. I think my grandma & her sister had lost touch with each other, and, at this point, reconnected after Grand took a trip to DC to visit. Anyway, this aunt decided to move to our city, to be closer to her newly rediscovered family. I somewhat remember her. But, from what my mom & fam have told me, she was pretty much a free spirit and artistic...I partly remember that too. Anyway, after she moved to where we were, my mom told me that my new aunt had something called Full-Blown AIDS.
Since I was a shorty at the time, I didnt really "know" exactly what AIDS was, or what it really had to do with my fun new aunt...I remember that she was really skinny and had a deep-dark complexion. I just assumed that that was just how she always was...Ya know?
Now, that I think about it, this is also where my hate/fear of Hospitals began...But, I'll get to that another time.
Anyway, I remember my mom driving her to the doctor a lot. I dont know exactly how long my aunt was with us...A year maybe less. But, all-of-a-sudden, during the winter (I remember their was snow), my aunt got sick and had to go to the Hospital for pneumonia. I thought she had a bad flu, and she'd be outta there when she got better. But, little did I know, that we would have to visit her almost everyday, and see her get worst...Basically watching her die!
I remember going to visit, with my mom, and smelling that HORRIBLE smell that Hospitals have...Ugh! That whole "sterile" smell! And, I think we had to go to the Hospice or AIDS Wing of the Hospital...I dunno! But, it was terrible...Watching someone that you love, who JUST came into your life, slowly slip away...And there's nothing to do to stop it from happening...No matter how many cards, how many flowers, and how prayers...It wasnt enough to make her magically better, like I hoped it would.
I dunno how long it was, that she was in the hospital...Two weeks maybe less? But, I know my mom came to me and told me that Aunte Pat had died. I dont really remember how I handled that, at 9 or 10, but I didnt know what the Hell to think...Someone that a cared deeply for was here, got the flu (I thought), and was supposed to magically get better...And now I'm hearing that she's just...GONE!
I guess we all really do deal things in our own different way. After my aunts death, my mom went to classes, seminars, programs, or whatever to educate herself about HIV/AIDS...She even got a "certificate" or some kinda paper for HIV/AIDS awareness. Me, on the other hand, found-out that AIDS came from having sex...I didnt know what "sex" really was at that time, but, I told myself that "I'm NEVER having sex!"...All I could think about was how sick my aunt got and how she died. When I got a lil' older, I learned about safe-sex and stds...But, I was still scared & stayed a virgin until I got outta High School.
When I was a teenager, I found-out how my aunt contracted AIDS...When she lived in DC, she was attacked and raped. The attacker had AIDS and gave it to her! That was only one of the moments that I started losing faith in society...Yea, I'm a really cynical nigga.
At around 18-19 I realized I was all Homo, LOL....It's stupid now, but, when I was in high school, I just thought I was going through a "phase". Anyway, after all that, my fear got a lil' worst. I'm not at all "religious", but, in the back of my head, I thought that no matter how safe I was, Fate or the Universe or Whatever would "punish" me, for some reason...And I'd end-up in the same situation that my aunt was in: Fine...Sick...Laying in a hospital...Slowly slipping away...Then GONE!
In the few sexual experiences I've allowed myself to have, with dudes, that has ALWAYS been in the back of my mind...Guess thats why I ever "enjoyed" actually having sex. And, now I'm permanately(I think) celibate...Going on 2yrs. Cuz, let's face it...There aint no nigga out their who wants to be in a relationship with someone who's afraid to fuck or make-love or whatever.
A part of me just wants to "get over" myself and through caution to the wind...And really LIVE. But, the other part cant.
I'm Just Screwed!