"Bathwater" by. No Doubt
This past weekend was certainly a memorable one, to say the least. Its not every Saturday night that I get my heart semi-broken, by the first guy that I've ever had feelings for. This is also the same guy that could have seen myself falling in love with and having a great relationship with, in the future. Here's the kicker; A part of me hasn't threw that little ball of hope out the window yet.
Let me explain...
I met this guy a few weeks ago....Lets call him "Heartbreaker". We talked for a little bit, and then we went out on a really special date...or, so I thought, seeing that it was his birthday and all. Our first date was actually the best I've had so far. We went to dinner at a nice restaurant. We had a fabulously romantic little stroll downtown, complete with lots of PDA (as you know, I LOVE being romantic). All the while, our chemistry was mixing so easily...as if we were sort of meant for each other. In fact, Heartbreaker is the total package. He's everything that I look for in a man. He's sweet, honest (I like that he doesn't sugar-coat everything), smart, charismatic, relationship oriented (so I thought) and, it doesn't hurt that he happens to be quite the looker. All of those qualities are the things that make him sexy to me. Hell, over dinner he talked about how he wants to start a family and start having kids when he's in his thirties.
Sidebar: Heartbreaker recently got out of a two-year relationship with someone who he was planning a wedding with...that was until he found out that his supposed future husband was CHEATING on him.
Anyway, we ended up back at his place, where we hung out, talked, drank, played with & walked his doggy (he's such a good father and they are too cute together), made out passionately (don't get me started on how much I loved kissing him & how I've never experienced that kind of passion JUST by kissing before), cuddled, had some foreplay, and fell asleep in each others arms. It all felt so perfect and natural...Even down to his doggy climbing into bed with us while we slept.
Waking up with Heartbreaker felt so...right. I could actually see us dating and, down the line, moving into the long-term relationship zone. Of course, everything isn't all perfect, and I would have to get use to. Like, the fact that in Chicago's small Black Gay community, a lot of people know who he is...either from his two jobs or from him being in the Ballroom scene. He's also what I would call a "Club Queen" (meaning, he clubs a lot). And, he's somewhat of a party boy. These are all things that I'm ok with, seeing that they are just a part of who he is. Another thing I thought was "cute" about us is that he's such a social butterfly...which I'm so not. I thought it would be one those cute little dynamics we could have in a relationship.
Also, after we awoke, we had a little making-out and mutual masturbation "session" (as he later calls it) before we left his place. Which was one of the most passionate thing I've experienced.
A part of me thought (and might still think) that he could possibly be the Willow to my Tara.
So, after our fantabulus date, for the past weeks, I've been trying to arrange a second date...Which hasn't been easy, seeing that our work schedules conflict. Well, this past Saturday, we were finally able to meet up after he got off work. Which was great, seeing that I was looking to get "fucked-up" and have fun that night.
I came off the subway, in Boystown, to be greeted by Heartbreaker, his doggy, and two of his friends...One of which, come to find out later, is ALSO trying to date Heartbreaker. The way he greeted me was a little odd. It wasn't the way one greets someone who they're "dating". It just a cute little friendly hug. After which, he introduced me to his two friends.
Once we got our drinks together, we walked around and just hung out. While we were walking around, someone who knows Heartbreaker made a nice little comment about him "cruising" with his doggy. Which made me comment. Which lead him to say..."I still consider myself to be single." This wasn't a problem for me, since I only considered us to be dating.
Cut to us, 20mins later, walking around together, me making the romantic gester of holding Heartbreakers' hand, one of the "friends" who was with us breaking our connection and getting into Heartbreakers' face, and me wondering WTF. While this little situation is cooling, he explains to me that the "friend" who nearly chewed his face off ALSO likes him and is ALSO trying to date him. (I know...its madd shady, right?). He then informs me that he's ONLY wants to have friends right now.
Fast forward to 4AM-ish, where Heartbreaker and I (drunk off our asses) are standing by one of his friends' car, talking bout "us", our huge attraction to each other, why we like each other, how sexy he thinks I am, me explaining how I'm into him because of what he has "up stairs" instead of what's in his pants, and the issues or technicalities that might stand in our way. His main point was that we are physically, emotionally, and intellectually perfect for each other. But, sexually, there might be a problem. We might end up having to wrestle for the "Top" position, since he can't be, and I might not be able to be, as versatile as one might need the other to be. And, he didn't want to lead me on to believe that he could be on the "receiving" end, as much as I might need him to be.
I hate technical difficulties! And, I might be new to all this man-2-man dating/relationship shit, but I don't care about all that "technical" bullshit. I'm open-minded enough to at least see that there's a possibility that we can compromise and just iron-out this "technical" shit as we go along. Am I being to head-strong?
He also made the argument that, since our energy together is so good (other than the"technicality), we might be great as friends. But, how can I JUST be friends with someone who I can imagine waking up next to and looking into their eyes and finding solace in their lips?
We came to the conclusion that we need to sit down one day, when weer both sober, and figure things out. After this, Heartbreaker walked me to the train, hugged me, I got on, and rode home...Eyes full of water, puffy, and fighting back tears.
It makes sense, that, when I finally find someone who I could actually see myself building something with, something gets in the way.
Is there any cure for the Love-Lorn?
;-)
10 comments:
Hmmm.... Time will tell if this person is right. But I think it was Extra Shady to bring someone who also likes him and is trying to get with him with you guys. That doesn't fly to well with Primo. lol. Good Luck.
Ha...this is classic. The boy is young too, isn't he! I bet he is.
In any event, run and don't look back. Obviously you deserve so much better than what he's trying to give. Look at the signs my friend, look at the signs. Didn't you say he got out of a 2-year relationship. There's unresolved baggage with that. And what about him and ol' boy that likes him - inviting you to hang along has the word "messy" written all over it. Just enjoy the jack off session and call it a wrap w/heartbreaker. Besides, his heart ain't in it...make sure yours isn't.
LOL - I just reread that - I don't mean to sounds bitter, BUT, YOU JUST have to be mad careful these days.
Aaaaaaaaahhhhh those 'Top' things. Such anomalies they are. Over the years I have come to the realization that NO ONE is a 'TOTAL TOP'. There's always some technicality...the main one being love. See love will make you do some shit yo and anyone that loves with limits has not or is not 'lovin'. Personally I say don't divest your heart totally in ol boy. You may think that 'sex' is a mere technicality but TRUST ME, it is so damn important. It's not everything but when the storms come, it only compounds the situation.
I have a friend that just split with his dude of FIVE (5) years. They are both tops and went on during their relationship basicially having threesomes here and there to get past the sexual aspect. My boy like once a year would maybe let dude hit but because there was no connection his dude hated doing that. So the issue leaked into how they spent their leisure time so much so that my boy felt that cuddling was just to please his dude cause he truly hated it. Now they are just done after all that time.
In truth, you want someone to share your all with. Not just settle or 'deal with the technicalities later'. Food for thought, you do tha dishes baby boy...
~Damnit!
Friends don't kiss and have masturbation sessions together! Wha kind of game is this guy playing? I really get this playa vibe radiating from him right now.
You aren't being headstrong, you are willing to make things work. I believe that is admirable for one to want to adjust himself to accommodate that sort of difficulty. However, it should be a effort done on both parts. If you gotta bend so does he!
Now back to this friend thing. You should make it clear that you are desiring more than friendship from him. You don't want him going on with any inclination that his friendship your desire.
Let's face it, in order for two gay men to see relationship possibilities, there HAS to be compatibility in the bedroom.
If one is a top and the other a bottom, it's all good.
The ideal, at least from my point of view, is for both parties to be "versatile".
I'm an older black gay man (50+), Cincinnati native. In my time, if a gay man was a bottom and he "liked" you but found that you were a bottom also he lost "respect" for you (as boyfriend/husband material): you became a "girlfriend". It seems like you younger guys are, more or less, doing the same thing.
In the real world, sexual compatibility HAS to be there between two gay men from the start. Period.
My advice is work on being versatile, if you're not already. That way you can increase your odds of meeting someone you are sexually compatible with.
okay, let me spit this straight no chaser. Boy what?! 1st you two had 1 date and weeks go by before YOU schedule the 2nd and you consider yourself dating? And on that first night you spend the night at his crib ? you finally meet up and he's got the audacity to bring along someone else who's interested in him?
i think you're in love with the thought of being in love and have fast tracked someone into a role they definitely don't qualify for. and not just on the sexual compatibility front either.
he's very well known in the gay community, elusive enough to take weeks to see again, rude enough to bring someone else who likes him to meet you, and then starts playing the "i'm not sure" card?
man drop his dumb ass and keep it moving. if he was really on your level, then you wouldn't be wrangling his ass for a date (with another dude at that!) or putting up with those shenanigans. you deserve better. go get it cuz he's incapable of giving it to you at this point.
i may be wrong about this, but i just would hate to see you waste your time with a player. even one who doesn't think he is. oh and how old is this dude?
I agree with the guy on top of me *no pun intended*
I think that after being single or not have a real commited relationship (I hope Im not making assumptions about you) that when find someone who has qualities a,b,and c. that you fall and you fall hard. Im guilty of that as well.
I call it falling in love with a moment. Or the fairy tale ending. but were young and its gonna hurt like this.
the fact that you are still hopeful mean that one day you will find true love
I agree with YABG baby boy. Fuck ol boy (not literally)!
~Damnit!
Wow alot of strong feedback for a really sweet story. I got caught up in your heartbreak.
But remember, as the great Donna Summer said in her McArthur Park Triology, "there'll be another love for me, someone will bring it." So just hold on.
woof- aint it some shit when all is well except for when it comes to tha fucking? * good times moment* DAMN DAMN DAMN!!!
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