"It's All Over but the Crying (Remix)" by. Garbage
I've always know this, deep down, but now I actually have conformation. I'm 22yrs, and I've never dated anyone, never been in a relationship, never had boyfriend, and I've never really "talked" to a guy for more than week. And, I've come to realize that things are going this way for the rest of my life...22, 32, 42, 52, etc.
How did I come to realize this? Well, I've been thinking...which is basically a coin-toss of whether or not something good might come from it. Anyway, I've been thinking, marinating with my thoughts, and thinking of questions for my "research" into my family's past...and my future.
And what does it all come back to? Genetics.
While in thought, I started to trace things and put things together and connect the dots. I wanted to know why I can't seem to even develop healthy relationships much less be involved in one. So, I started with the small family that I do have left. So, there's my Nana (67), my Grandfather (65), my Uncle (47), and my Aunt (41).
As far as I know, Nana's only been in one big relationship...with the father of her children (grandpa)...who she divorced back in the 70s. And, there's been NOBODY else since then. Grandfather has had continuous whatevers with women who use him. Uncle is in his forties, has a career in charity work, and alone. And, Aunt (the fag hag) is also in her forties, man-less, and has never had a successful relationship.
After going through everyone's situation, I started to think: What about my Mother? Granted, she died when she was 35, but she was a lot different from everyone else in our family, and remember her dating or seeing someone when I was a kid. Which leads me to one of the most awkward and weirdest conversations I've ever had to have...I was forced to call Nana and ask her about my mom's (her daughter's) romantic life.
Here's how THAT went:
Ya ya ya...Blah blah blah...
Roc: "So, did my mom ever have any successful relationships?"
Nana: "What? Did you want to know if your mother ever had sexual relations?"
Sidebar: Oh god, kill me now. I did NOT ask you THAT grandma! Granted, I had just gotten off the subway, and there was a considerable amount of background noise on my end...but still, that whole exchange was just something that should never have happened!
Roc: "No! Did my mom ever have any SUCCESSFUL relationships?!"
Nana: "Oh!...SUCCESSFUL relationships."
Roc: "yeah....like dating or long-term relationships."
Nana: "Well, I don't think she really "dated" anyone. But, she "saw"
Nana: "I guess her relationship with your father was successful...right?"
Roc: "Ummm NO! Not at all!"
Sidebar: Really Nana!? You consider THAT to be a "successful" relationship!? So, I guess my mom's only "real" relationship involved having an accident-kid with a guy who cheated on her and brought needless drama into her life, until she cut ties with him? Seriously!?! This is the kind of fucked up thinking doesn't surprise me at all.
Anyway, during our conversation, I realized that its all GENETIC. One of the main reasons why I left,a few years ago, was because I didn't want to end up like the rest of my family. But, I realize, now, that I'll never be happy with anyone. I'll never be able to have anything close to a "healthy" relationship with a guy, because its not in my DNA. And, even if I ever come close to having something "serious", with someone, I'm pretty sure I'll fuck things up somehow.
I guess Shirley Manson was right...Certain things DO turn ugly, when you think too hard.