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A Few Things About Me:
- I'm 21.
- In school.
- I've never "dated" or done a "relationship".
- I've been celibate for almost 2yrs.
- In the few time's that I've "experiemented" with sex, in the past, I didn't "enjoy" it.
I'm hoping this is not going to be one of those "ramble-a-thons", that go on in my head, whenever think about this "issue" of mine or whenever I'm attracted to a guy, LOL.
I'm gonna pull a Hiro Nakamura, and go back about 11-12 years, to where the "root" of this "issue" of mine started. My memory is madd fuzzy when it comes to my childhood...You know how things just blend together, as we get older and experience more. So, bare with me here.
I was either 9 or 10 when one of my aunts(grandma's lil' sis) come into the picture. I think my grandma & her sister had lost touch with each other, and, at this point, reconnected after Grand took a trip to DC to visit. Anyway, this aunt decided to move to our city, to be closer to her newly rediscovered family. I somewhat remember her. But, from what my mom & fam have told me, she was pretty much a free spirit and artistic...I partly remember that too. Anyway, after she moved to where we were, my mom told me that my new aunt had something called Full-Blown AIDS.
Since I was a shorty at the time, I didnt really "know" exactly what AIDS was, or what it really had to do with my fun new aunt...I remember that she was really skinny and had a deep-dark complexion. I just assumed that that was just how she always was...Ya know?
Now, that I think about it, this is also where my hate/fear of Hospitals began...But, I'll get to that another time.
Anyway, I remember my mom driving her to the doctor a lot. I dont know exactly how long my aunt was with us...A year maybe less. But, all-of-a-sudden, during the winter (I remember their was snow), my aunt got sick and had to go to the Hospital for pneumonia. I thought she had a bad flu, and she'd be outta there when she got better. But, little did I know, that we would have to visit her almost everyday, and see her get worst...Basically watching her die!
I remember going to visit, with my mom, and smelling that HORRIBLE smell that Hospitals have...Ugh! That whole "sterile" smell! And, I think we had to go to the Hospice or AIDS Wing of the Hospital...I dunno! But, it was terrible...Watching someone that you love, who JUST came into your life, slowly slip away...And there's nothing to do to stop it from happening...No matter how many cards, how many flowers, and how prayers...It wasnt enough to make her magically better, like I hoped it would.
I dunno how long it was, that she was in the hospital...Two weeks maybe less? But, I know my mom came to me and told me that Aunte Pat had died. I dont really remember how I handled that, at 9 or 10, but I didnt know what the Hell to think...Someone that a cared deeply for was here, got the flu (I thought), and was supposed to magically get better...And now I'm hearing that she's just...GONE!
I guess we all really do deal things in our own different way. After my aunts death, my mom went to classes, seminars, programs, or whatever to educate herself about HIV/AIDS...She even got a "certificate" or some kinda paper for HIV/AIDS awareness. Me, on the other hand, found-out that AIDS came from having sex...I didnt know what "sex" really was at that time, but, I told myself that "I'm NEVER having sex!"...All I could think about was how sick my aunt got and how she died. When I got a lil' older, I learned about safe-sex and stds...But, I was still scared & stayed a virgin until I got outta High School.
When I was a teenager, I found-out how my aunt contracted AIDS...When she lived in DC, she was attacked and raped. The attacker had AIDS and gave it to her! That was only one of the moments that I started losing faith in society...Yea, I'm a really cynical nigga.
At around 18-19 I realized I was all Homo, LOL....It's stupid now, but, when I was in high school, I just thought I was going through a "phase". Anyway, after all that, my fear got a lil' worst. I'm not at all "religious", but, in the back of my head, I thought that no matter how safe I was, Fate or the Universe or Whatever would "punish" me, for some reason...And I'd end-up in the same situation that my aunt was in: Fine...Sick...Laying in a hospital...Slowly slipping away...Then GONE!
In the few sexual experiences I've allowed myself to have, with dudes, that has ALWAYS been in the back of my mind...Guess thats why I ever "enjoyed" actually having sex. And, now I'm permanately(I think) celibate...Going on 2yrs. Cuz, let's face it...There aint no nigga out their who wants to be in a relationship with someone who's afraid to fuck or make-love or whatever.
A part of me just wants to "get over" myself and through caution to the wind...And really LIVE. But, the other part cant.
I'm Just Screwed!
13 comments:
I suggest a psychologist. You seem to have some deep rooted issues. I myself find it hard to let go so I know it isn't easy. (I think I should see a psychologist too but I think I can handle it myself). lol
DxD
Great post. Looking forward to reading more.
Great post.
Life is what you make it...period
Its ok to be cynicl,keeps you
on your toes...manchild
Please do consider a psychologist to help you work through some of the issues you broach here. Sex, which is actually quite a lot of things, not just a few, can be a beautiful, marvelous experience, and one of the most profound means of intimacy with another person, so please do think about consulting with someone (professional) who can aid you sorting your feelings out.
Damn 2 yrs wow i thought that was impossible
But dude how do you add links to ya blogs like how u got urs i was trying to add yours it worked but when i clicked on it ya page dont come up i gotta right click n open new tab
queer in need of help
o neva mind lolz n luv da blog
Fuck Psychologist; ironically, they're all crazy.
You know what you need? Some really good head. It always brightens up my day!!
Naw but seriously, we ALL have that fear. Getting tested and condom usage can only do so much and somewhere in the back of your head you're always thinking that it could happen to you. It's scary, but HIV/AIDS is not a death sentence and there is a lot of prevention methods out there, so no need to worry.
Join the club! I think we're all a little concerned with HIV these days, and rightfully so. But there's protection for that, so use it and don't let things stand in your way - if you really want it. Not everyone is a horn dog, by the way. There is a wide range of sexual expression, and not particularly enjoying sex with someone else is one of the more common expressions than is commonly admitted. You seem pretty happy. I say don't fret. I enjoy your blog and will be back.
Update!!
Whats going, who did what, where, how!!!
Update the blog lolz
I enjoyed this post...give yourself a break.
I can understand why u are concerned about be cautious and I think that is ok. I think that maybe some education, love, patience and a hard dick or wet azz will fix u real good! LoL. Take ur time until ur ready.
Keep ya head up, Roc. Da right dude will come along and give u everythin dat u need minus the sexual expirience. LOL. Sex is only a small (but still important) part of a relationship. Give it time. It will happen.
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